Say what you may about Brother Vader, the greatest cinema villain of all time, but there’s no denying he knew how to make a group of people listen to him. So without further ado, here are Darth Vader’s nine (tongue in cheek) tips for giving great sacrament meeting talks.
1. “I want that ship, not excuses“
What, you were asked to give this talk 39 milliseconds ago? And you have that special unique fear of speaking. Well then, by all means take up your time with those complaints. But just remember Darth Vader isn’t interested in your excuses.
2. “You underestimate the power of the dark side”
Yes we know you want to start your talk with a completely unrelated joke. But resists the dark side. Just look what happened to Anakin.
3. “I find your lack of faith disturbing”
Classic Vader. Once you start preparing your talks you have to move forward with faith, or else Vader will be very disappointed.
4. “Compassion, which I would define as unconditional love, is essential to a Jedi’s life”
Sure, Anakin was still a little short, but his advice stands up.
5. “Obi-Wan has taught you well. You have controlled your fear”
What goes, “Ha, ha, ha, haaaa…. AGGGHHHH! Thump?” An Imperial Officer laughing at Darth Vader. Also the person who hears the word ‘um’ for the 973rd time in the last five minutes. Keep it under control.
6. “When I left you I was but the learner. Now I am the master”
Giving a great talk requires great confidence, not High Councilor level confidence, but great confidence.
7. “What is thy bidding, my master?”
If we want a successful talk we should go to the source of all knowledge, which is definitely not a translucent head floating in the air.
8. “It is pointless to concern yourself with your friends now”
Vader knows perfectly well that once you’re on the stand no one can “give you a hand” anymore. It’s time to fly on your own.
9. “I am here to put you back on schedule”
One of the greatest things you can do for your bishop is finishing your talk in the time frame given. And since there’s nothing funny about that advice, let me give you one bonus joke. What do you call a potato that has turned to the Dark side? A: Darth Taiter
