My wife and I argue incessantly about financial support for children and as a result I am seriously considering divorce. All my children (5) are adults and yet my wife deems it necessary to pay for their cars (even though the child whose car is being paid for has been loaned another car, to be used by his spouse, by my wife) and provide other assistance (paying car insurance, cell phones etc.) that is detrimental to our financial security. That assistance has totaled more than $100 000 in the last 3 years. My wife continues to help the children even though she had promised me on numerous occasions she would not do so. She has used funds put aside for taxes and I have had to scramble like mad to ensure that somehow the funds would be available to meet tax obligations. When I find out that she has been in breach of her commitment to me I get mad and that becomes the subject of the discussion. She claims that she does not speak to me about helping the children financially because I get mad. I have been very generous with the children and if critical I have always given my approval (food money). I feel betrayed when she lies to me. In my mind she worries that I may say no and then to avoid that she helps them and lies about it. I have taken away her capacity to help children unilaterally by removing her from my account and she is furious with me.
She believes that our mistakes as parents means we have a responsibility to help them financially. I do not trust my wife with financial matters and that is impacting her feelings toward me and making her very cold and distant. She is provided $200 000 a yr after taxes to provide for the needs of the family with a total of $48 000 for mortgage payments and $12 000 in debt payments, leaving $140 000 for every day expenses such as car insurance, food, utilities, life insurance, cell phones, etc.
I am of the firm belief that I have every right to refuse to help adult children and to have them find solutions to their financial difficulties and in the process understand what it means to be an adult. I would prefer that we discuss each situation based on its merits and that if either parent says no then the help should not be forthcoming. She is of the opinion that she gets to decide unilaterally as she understands their needs and emotional state better than I do. I have no idea how to resolve this conflict without getting a divorce.
