How do you overcome an addiction like this?

[lost87]

Does anyone know of a way to overcome a sexual addiction? I am struggling and keep falling further from where I ought to be. I'm running out of options and need help. The closest LDS councelor or church counseling services is 400 miles away so that is not really an option to me. I've worked through the church's 12 step program, but I still was not able to overcome this. Any help at all would be appreciated.

[Just_A_Guy]

Even if your problems go beyond pornography, you may want to take a look at this book. The book lists some web-based sex addiction recovery groups, and their urls.

Hopefully you've also been working with your bishop on this. I'd also recommend enlisting the support of a close friend of your own gender with whom you can be totally honest, who will be compassionate and willing to listen, and who will follow up with you.

[Prodigal_Son]

What is your living situation? I see you're 21. Are you married? Single? Living alone? Living at home? Living with roommates?

I also read your comment on your page about wanting to live better than you are (don't we all?). Where do you feel you're at, spiritually speaking, these days?

I'm not familiar with the 12-Step program - does that include talking to your Bishop? Has that happened yet?

Just looking for more info to better help.

[lost87]

Prodigal Son......

I live alone and am single. Spiritually speaking I am really far from where I ought to be. I have felt the spirit once in probably two years, and my testimony is on incredibly shaky ground, i've been questioning even the basics......I think though that the questions are just an excuse to justify what i've been doing, deep down I know the church is true. In my head all the doctrines make sense and I know its right, but I can't at all feel it in my heart anymore. Its like I am dead to the spirit. I haven't ever been through the temple and received my endowments, and i've not been worthy to take the sacrament in 15 months.

I have talked to my bishop, and he is a very sweet and kind man. About a year ago I was put on "informal probation". Last time I talked to him he said that the general rule for what i've done is a disciplinary councel, but he didn't want to do that yet. That was a month ago and I am still in this situation, so I am afraid that if I talk to him again he will feel like that ought to happen. Either way though, I really just want to change, so if it needs to happen, thats ok. I feel like when I talk to him I am wasting his time because i have been trying to change for so long (3 years) and have only done worse things.

So thats where I am.

Just_a_guy...they do go beyond pornography...and I hate it because I am a girl and this isn't supposed to be an issue. I don't really have any close friends that are girls....but I see how that would be helpful. Any guy I have told about the situation eventually ends up using my weakness to his advantage in some way or another.

Thanks to the both of you for your help.

[Misshalfway]

Have you considered therapy? I think the 12 steps is wonderful, but imo, they should be used as one of the tools in ones recovery tool belt.

I think above all, you really have to want to change and that perhaps means challenging those parts of you that resist the change....you know, the appetite voice that wants it above other things. You gotta challenge everything about that voice including its logic, its justifications, its arguments with truth...etc. You gotta know your triggers....your patterns.....etc. Then you gotta change those up.

Don't do this alone. Get a friend or a RS pres or a bishop to be your go to person. Call them when you are tempted.

I would invite you to put the LDS basics back into your life. SA/PA thinking is full of lies and flatterings and a boat load of other crap.....the kind that entrenches you deeper and deeper in the addictive headspace. Flood your mind with spiritual truth. Open every opportunity for God to tell you the truth. The truthfulness of the gospel is perhaps irrelevant right in this moment. But that into your patience bin and exercise faith in your spiritual efforts. God will meet you there and lead you by the hand and open your mind and heart to the light.

You can also get into an online support group. There are a couple that are quite good. Some are even free. You can also get books that give you information and workbooks to help you unwind why you need this "drug" to begin with. They will help you restructure your thinking, and your behaviors.

I particularly like the author Carnes. He has a series of books that I think might help.

Good luck my dear. This is a toughy, but you CAN conquer. Stay away from the evil twins shame and blame. They won't get you anywhere good.

Much love.

[Just_A_Guy]

Just_a_guy...they do go beyond pornography...and I hate it because I am a girl and this isn't supposed to be an issue. I don't really have any close friends that are girls....but I see how that would be helpful. Any guy I have told about the situation eventually ends up using my weakness to his advantage in some way or another.

I know what you mean . . . even if you do have a close friend, it's hard to come up to a friend and say, "hey, can you help me overcome my sex addiction problem"?

Other than my family, I'm socially a bit of a loner. When I was at the height of a masturbation/pornography issue, my bishop advised me to talk to my elders' quorum president--a great guy who proved to be of enormous assistance. Maybe you should ask your bishop if he could recommend someone in the ward for you to approach for help--a member of your Relief Society presidency, perhaps?

By the way, I think it's awesome that you took the initiative and approached a priesthood leader about this. I don't want to sound Pollyanna-ish, but I strongly suspect you're in better shape than you think you are.

[Prodigal_Son]

Okay, just thinking out loud here, in response to your post:

I live alone...

Can this be changed? Do you NEED an environment that demands you be more responsible for your actions?

Spiritually speaking I am really far from where I ought to be. I have felt the spirit once in probably two years...

While this isn't meant as an enabling excuse, NONE OF US are where we ought to be. And the fact that you RECOGNIZE that you're not there is a SURE SIGN that the Spirit still has the capacity to prick your heart. Take courage from that fact. Just because you don't get the warm glow doesn't mean you've been abandoned and left on your own. His influence might be limited by your actions, but I promise you that the Spirit still has influence on you. Otherwise we wouldn't be having this conversation.

... my testimony is on incredibly shaky ground, i've been questioning even the basics......I think though that the questions are just an excuse to justify what i've been doing, deep down I know the church is true.

Been there, done that. I was way down deep at nearly the same point in life as you, and I experienced those same doubts. Again, the fact that you can recognize this tool of the Adversary is another indication that you still have access to Light.

...I can't at all feel it in my heart anymore. Its like I am dead to the spirit.

That's tough. Believe me, I know and remember it. But I'm living proof that you can rebound from that. Don't ever think that you're too far gone - because YOU'RE NOT. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. YOU ARE NOT TOO FAR GONE.

I have talked to my bishop, and he is a very sweet and kind man. About a year ago I was put on "informal probation". Last time I talked to him he said that the general rule for what i've done is a disciplinary councel, but he didn't want to do that yet. That was a month ago and I am still in this situation, so I am afraid that if I talk to him again he will feel like that ought to happen.

True repentance requires a willingness to accept whatever punishments come. And believe me - the embarrassment you may or may not feel from the repentance process is an infinitely lighter burden to carry than that bag of rocks slung over your shoulder now. Don't let pride or embarrassment get in the way.

I feel like when I talk to him I am wasting his time because i have been trying to change for so long (3 years) and have only done worse things.

You're not. He's been called to serve you. Let him. You know how many times I've had to ask Heavenly Father to forgive the same things in MY life? I don't think He ever gets tired of hearing me - because so long as I keep coming back to Him in sorrow, He knows I'm TRYING.

I hate it because I am a girl and this isn't supposed to be an issue.

Don't do that to yourself. It most certainly IS an issue for MANY. You're not a freak. You're not weaker than everyone else.

====================================

Crap happens to us all. And the adversary knows how to push your buttons. He knows and remembers you from the preexistence. He has thousands of years of practice at causing God's children to stumble and fall and then get mired in self loathing and doubt.

But don't let Him win. Though it's hard to believe at times, your Father in Heaven loves you with ALL HIS HEART. And there's no amount of poor choices you can make that will EVER change that. He stands ready and waiting. He beckons you to come back to Him - no matter how many times you stumble on your way back. And, once in His arms, He can and WILL make all the pain go away.

Be strong. Be humble. Get on your knees FAST and pray your heart out. Lay it on the line and ask what you need to do. Get in to see your Bishop ASAP and start saying your prayers and reading your scriptures, even if you don't want to.

We're here for you. Your Bishop's here for you. Your Savior already paid the price to rescue you. And you Father in Heaven is patiently waiting for you.

Much love and concern from a fellow sinner. - Prodigal Son

[qedd]

Does anyone know of a way to overcome a sexual addiction? I am struggling and keep falling further from where I ought to be. I'm running out of options and need help. The closest LDS councelor or church counseling services is 400 miles away so that is not really an option to me. I've worked through the church's 12 step program, but I still was not able to overcome this. Any help at all would be appreciated.

Try RecoveryNation.com. It looks like they have some potentially useful material and methods as well as an online support-group bulletin-board.

[rameumptom]

The Church now has an addiction recovery program, including a sex addiction program. Check here for the online manual, and for locations near you where they meet.

Addiction Recovery Program

[lost87]

I have already tried that option....the closest meeting place is 400 miles away, and i've gone through the manual and did everything but im still stuck here.

[Guest Alana]

First off, don't worry about a disciplinary counsel. They aren't something to be afraid of, but can be a great tool to get you moving forward. I'm also a girl and in the recent past found myself in shoes very similar to your own. You mentioned that you have met with your bishop. My first question is, are you doing the basics, every day? Do you pray, read the scriptures, fast? Doing these things regularly when you don't feel the spirit can be a hard habit to develop, but for myself was key in getting on the right path. It was 6 years exactly that I wasn't able to take the sacrament, and during that time, when ever I wasn't doing the basics, I was slipping more backwards than forwards. The same applies today, even though I've fully repented of those sins (took a while.)

Also, since this is continuing for a while, and isn't getting any better, perhaps a therapist would be a good idea. Talk to your bishop about this, if there isn't anyone close, there might be a non-lds therapist that could also be helpful.

[martybess]

I really think you can get the help you need!!!!! Do not let the advisory convince you otherwise!!!! He will try constantly to drag you down mentally! Make you feel like giving up.

Do not give up!!!!! Coming here shows you are looking for help from others. This is the key. If youre bishop hasn't been able to be there for you look for someone else. Do you dare tell your EQ pres? or even the Stake president? Keep looking do not beat up on yourself. Make it the biggest thing in your life. Put in the time and effort everyday! Are in a position to move? If not why? The pioneers would of walked on bloody stumps to get to this valley. Can you make this kind of sacrifice? Give up all you have to overcome? If it's pornography cancel your internet and change your job if you have it at work. If you don't think your to this point then maybe it's not as bad as you think and maybe you don't have to do these things but really if you need to why not? AT 21 you are in a good position to just drop all and completely change your life surroundings. I'm probably assuming things I don't not know and if so I'm sorry. Remember HF loves you. He has given us trials that we can overcome if not he would not of placed us in here unable to overcome. Dont give up, it might take years but hopefully not. If it does than it does. So what you will still overcome at one point. Can you talk to you father? Is he an active priesthood holder? Whats your relationship with him? How about your mother? Or a brother?

[rameumptom]

You may want to check with group counseling in your area. while the Church offers such counseling in the addiction recovery program, there are many other churches and social organizations that offer AA/NA type sexual addiction courses, as well.

[annewandering]

Is it possible a big part of the problem is that you feel so alone? You arent but it has to feel that way.

It is my understanding that you can get a program started where you are. If you even have a branch there are no doubt people going through the same problems. Talk to the bishop and see if he can find out how to get a support group ie: like an AA meeting going where you are now.

Do you have close female friends? Its so easy to not have anymore. If not then maybe stepping out there and looking for friends will help give you a personal net of safety.

Find ways to overcome loneliness. This might sound scary but doing service to others who are lonely might be good for you. Like in nursing homes? Widows? Look around you. I bet you can see them easy enough.

Good luck. I know its a very hard thing to deal with. You can do it though. I know you can and so does God.

[Guest tomk]

Does anyone know of a way to overcome a sexual addiction? I am struggling and keep falling further from where I ought to be. I'm running out of options and need help. The closest LDS councelor or church counseling services is 400 miles away so that is not really an option to me. I've worked through the church's 12 step program, but I still was not able to overcome this. Any help at all would be appreciated.

I am sorry you are struggling. I have struggled with masturbation and pornography since I was 14. Over 25 years.

Here are some links to books and resources that can help:

Amazon.com: He Did Deliver Me from Bondage: Colleen C. Harrison: Books

Amazon.com: Clean Hands, Pure Heart: Overcoming Addiction to Pornography Through the Redeeming Power of Jesus Christ: Philip A. Harrison: Books

and a website:

Heart t' Heart :: Index

I hope some of this helps.

Tom

[lost87]

After talking to my bishop, every time there are so many ups and downs, at first the ups (the hpoe in the atonement etc. ) outweigh the downs (the fear and hopelessness) but after a while the downs start to happen more frequently than the ups. Its like everything starts caving in and no amount of prayer or scripture study can overcome the feeling of being back at rock bottom. That is when I start to fall back into sin....it becomes too overwhelming and it feels like the good is so far off. I get stressed out and lose the energy to keep fighting.....how do I keep that from happening?

[Misshalfway]

After talking to my bishop, every time there are so many ups and downs, at first the ups (the hpoe in the atonement etc. ) outweigh the downs (the fear and hopelessness) but after a while the downs start to happen more frequently than the ups. Its like everything starts caving in and no amount of prayer or scripture study can overcome the feeling of being back at rock bottom. That is when I start to fall back into sin....it becomes too overwhelming and it feels like the good is so far off. I get stressed out and lose the energy to keep fighting.....how do I keep that from happening?

I think you need better ways of dealing with the darkness, fear, and hopelessness.

[rameumptom]

I suggest you do what I did many years ago when I was going through a depressive situation. Focus everything on joy and happiness. Fill your life with things that remind you of Christ's love. Change your music and television viewing to reflect this. Place reminders throughout your home - paintings, photos, personal notes on the mirrors, each stating how much God loves and believes in you.

Begin reading the scriptures and the "best books" on the subject. What are some books I'd recommend? There are literally hundreds of books that can teach you the basic concepts of joy and happiness. They all say similar things, with different focus, so one may help more than another. Your public library will have several books on the topic. Start reading them. Read at least 10 books on the subject, so it gets planted strongly in your brain.

You see, the problem is that most of us desire to change, but don't know how to make the changes lasting. These books specify how to replace old habits with new ones, and show techniques that work well to help us get through the rough spots.

I would definitely include "The Power of Positive Thinking" by Norman Vincent Peale. Tony Robbins' books are great. But there are many others that can make a big change in your life. Knowledge is power, and most of us try overcoming things without first obtaining the knowledge and skills needed to succeed. So, become an expert and you will succeed.

[Hemidakota]

Lost, what ever leads you to commit the sin, you need to remove it. Then, you need to progress to remove the thought when it comes, replace it with a righteous song of joy [President Boyd K. Packer uses]. Last, you need to have static daily rituals to keep yourself busy. Press upon the Lord in daily prayer or every thought for aid.

[Misshalfway]

I think it might also help to be a really good self observer. Be outside yourself when you are in these depressive and desperate moments....moments when the temptation has its most power. Be really aware of your triggers and address each one of them with some kind of protective solution.

Listen to yourself and your needs. Your brain and your chemistry wants the fix. And why wouldn't it? It is fast and easy and it works. Well, it lies to us and makes us think it works. But maybe look at what you really need. Tell yourself that this "I need sex" message isn't what you really need. And then look for a way to get what you really need. Do you need friendship or comfort or something to keep you busy. Then you can relearn how to meet your emotional needs and apply the principles (spiritual and practical) to your routines. You can apply prayer to every micro second of this process as you move yourself to higher emotional, physical and spiritual ground.

I don't find much solace in just looking at pictures of Christ or singing a hymn. They feel like bandaids to me and I have heard from many that they don't really work. I think it is this emotional work that really makes the difference in the long run. And you may need to have some really hard days to get to a place where you relearn how to deal with pain and discomfort. Be kind and sweet to yourself when this happens. Sit with the anxiety. You are ok even though you don't feel like you are. It will get better with each step you take. Progress will most likely be slow. Relearn how to be ok with slow progress too.

[Hemidakota]

Trigger is a good choice of word....thanks.

[FunkyTown]

Hey Lost,

It sounds like the issue goes a bit deeper than just the sexual issue. I hear self-esteem issues, almost crippling depression, feelings of alienation and loneliness.

Have you considered that the sexual sins might be just the surface of something deeper? I have some other guesses, but I hesitate to say them on a forum. Counselling might be in order.

Just remember: You don't need to hate yourself. No matter what you've done, there is always a way out and there is always a way forward.

You're amazing. :)

Prodigal Son......

I live alone and am single. Spiritually speaking I am really far from where I ought to be. I have felt the spirit once in probably two years, and my testimony is on incredibly shaky ground, i've been questioning even the basics......I think though that the questions are just an excuse to justify what i've been doing, deep down I know the church is true. In my head all the doctrines make sense and I know its right, but I can't at all feel it in my heart anymore. Its like I am dead to the spirit. I haven't ever been through the temple and received my endowments, and i've not been worthy to take the sacrament in 15 months.

I have talked to my bishop, and he is a very sweet and kind man. About a year ago I was put on "informal probation". Last time I talked to him he said that the general rule for what i've done is a disciplinary councel, but he didn't want to do that yet. That was a month ago and I am still in this situation, so I am afraid that if I talk to him again he will feel like that ought to happen. Either way though, I really just want to change, so if it needs to happen, thats ok. I feel like when I talk to him I am wasting his time because i have been trying to change for so long (3 years) and have only done worse things.

So thats where I am.

Just_a_guy...they do go beyond pornography...and I hate it because I am a girl and this isn't supposed to be an issue. I don't really have any close friends that are girls....but I see how that would be helpful. Any guy I have told about the situation eventually ends up using my weakness to his advantage in some way or another.

Thanks to the both of you for your help.

[rameumptom]

In his book, Awakening the Giant Within, Anthony Robbins gives some good advice. First, our lives are what we make it by what we focus on. If we continually allow misery to enter our thoughts, we'll be miserable. We must choose to focus on concepts that bring hope and joy to us. How? By asking ourselves the right questions.

Miserable people ask the wrong questions: Why me? Why are they so mean to me? Why can I never overcome this weakness? Why can I never succeed?

We need to change the questions we use to positive power questions: Hows and whats.

How can I turn this around? What changes do I need to make to succeed? What do I need to learn to have the right options in my life?

Ever see someone crying, who in a moment can be made to smile or laugh? Why? It is because the focus is taken off the miserable thought, if only for a moment. We can rework our personal questions (or questions we ask others who are down) to lift ourselves up:

What are some of my favorite memories? What things bring me pure joy? How did I feel when I held my newborn in my hands?

In his book, What Happy People Know, Dan Baker PhD, wrote about the death of his son. It tore him apart and he just could not be consoled. At least not until he refocused. He began thinking about the wonderful moments with his son, and was filled with love, joy and warmth for the time they had together. It was a healing feeling for him, and he often reflects back on those wonderful moments to regain that hope and joy.

We see the same thing in Robin Williams' Peter Pan, in the film, "Hook." He cannot fly or regain his Peter Pan powers until he replaces his current thinking with new ways to think. It takes a happy thought of his son for him to fly. But we go through most of the film watching him struggle until he finally catches on. Nothing works, until he changes inside.

If we are miserable, it is because we choose to be miserable. We have taught ourselves misery, and it becomes implanted as a neural habit in our brains. It affects us physiologically to where many of us need to use medication and therapy to learn to manage the misery. Sadly, the answer for most will not be in meds, but in teaching our brains to think in positive questions.

[martybess]

Rameumptom awesome post!!!!!! Soooooo true for all of us, everyday of our lives!!! I wish we could of seen or could remember how the Savior acted and thought in everyday life. Everything in the scriptures is serious. (For a reason).... but still we could learn so much from the master!

-Marty

[MissKitty]

You are worth so much, so much more that you realise. You deserve so much more too. I have been in a similiar dark situation so , you meet a person and you want to feel loved important special cherished only it doesn't happen. Your left feeling dirty, empty, and of less worth than before the enounter happened. So what next? On to the next person, it'll be better next time won't it? You hope and then the same feeling. It's like an endless circle and the only one that can brake this circle is you but not YOU a lone you need the strength that comes from the love of our Father in heaven.

Heavenly Father wants to give you the strength to over come this addiction as you are such a precious daughter of His if only you could see. He wants good things for you, he wants you to have a partner who will love and cherish you not these strangers who abuse you and take from you and leave you with nothing.

It makes Heavenly Father so sad for you, some thing so beautiful he created not aware of how very precious and beautiful you are.

The way to over come this addiction is to have a greater understanding of who you are (a daughter of God) and to not be afraid. You deserve His love as much as any of us do. You don't deserve to be used by strangers. You need to open your heart to the Lord and ask for strength. You must believe you are worth it, you must believe you are a precious daughter of God (these things are hard to accept especially when your self esteem is already so low) pray often and openly, strive to feel the love of Heavenly father and Jesus Christ. The love of our father and Jesus christ is so much more powerful and meaningful then any of these people you have encountered.

Other good things would be to develop yourself, find hobbies and things you feel a sense of achievment in, develop your inner most feelings of self worth.

If you want to talk to me at any time please send me an IM and I'll come back to you.

Thank you for being brave enough to ask for help and remember when you realise you've got a problem your half way to finding the solution :)