to force, or not to force....


Stormin_Mormon
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Hi Everyone.

OK, a little background:

I was baptised in 1997. I went inactive soon after, because I met a woman, and broke the law of chastity etc etc. I flirted with the church for years on and off.

I have basically been inactive since a few months after my baptism, and recently returned to full activity in January of this year, and pretty much haven't missed a beat since, apart from a few struggles, but that's the nature of the beast.

So I got married 11 years ago. I have two kids, 10 and almost 8.

Here is my problem:

Much to my own shame, I have virtually taught my kids nothing about the Gospel, nor anything related to it. I have often thought about it, but figured it would be hypocritical of me to be preaching one thing, whilst sitting back with a beer and a smoke....so I elected not to discuss unless I was specifically asked.

Now, I really want my kids to be involved in the Gospel, because it once again has lightened my life...

My wife is not a member, and tends to be a little contentious when the subject is raised. She bothers me greatly!

Anyway, I was sitting in Sacrament this morning, and it dawned on my to force the kids to come church each week.... My reckoning is that at least that way they might have a foundation, and maybe, hopefully.....they might WANT to come along once they see how much fun and good for them it can be.

At the moment, the kids find all sorts of excuses o reject my invitations....they follow the lead of their mother, who is not overly supportive. She supports ME going to church (as in doesn't jump up and down about me going) but doesn't encourage the kids to go.

What should I do? I want my kids to be safe in the next life....and this one.....

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They are your kids, and they are still accountable to you at that age so it's perfectly okay to "force" them to go with you. However, I personally would try and find ways to make them want to go, forcing someone to do anything they don't want to do rarely has good results. Try getting them to go to a church activity, if the activity is something they'd enjoy doing.

And be careful about trying to get them to do something your wife doesn't want them to do, the church can be a very contentious issue and can end in a very messy way. Introduce it slowly, but don't push it.

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Back in the day, you could have "made" the whole family go, because the husband was the head of the household. Alas, those days are largely gone--especially in a mixed faith household. If both parents are in unity, then of course the kids get forced to go. But, such is not the case. If mommy says they don't have to go, then it would seem very contentious of you to force them to.

If your spouse is non-religious, or uncommitted to any church in particular, perhaps you can convince her to agree that the kids must go, on the grounds that "A little religion is good for kids." Also, it gives her a few ours of "mommy time."

Otherwise, you are probably left to gentle persuasion. If your kids enjoy being with you, perhaps always taking them to a restaurant they like, following the services? Such rituals and traditions are very powerful for children, even if they don't fully realize it. My dad used to take me to breakfast on Saturday mornings, and those times are among my fondest childhood memories.

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My Father tried to "force me to attend church" when he got on a religious kick when I was around 10. It was so effective I have no idea what faith it was, where it was or who was there. After a time he got tired of forcing us kids to go and went back to drinking instead. It took 17 more years and a knock at our door before I found the LDS church and joined. Our children attend willingly and yes because they have been going for years I would insist they continue but the older they become the more the responsibility for their activity shifts from us parents and onto them. But at the age of yours their hearts nor minds will be open to even the first feeling of the spirit if they are forced to go.

My suggestion is work with the Primary organization and get them out too Primary activities and Faith in God programs. Around 1/4 of the children in FIG in our Ward are non members. Use Ward Activities to introduce your family to the church. Talk to the Ward Mission Leader, Relief Society or Primary leadership about ways to have members fellowship your family. See if you can find a family to "invite" yours over to supper some night etc.

Also be an example. Don't worry about how you should have done things or how you should have been. The past is behind you look forward not back. What can you do now, what example can you set. If you want to introduce your children to a kind loving heavenly father and a family oriented loving church is forcing them to attend showing them these things or something else?

Let them see you pray to God, see if your wife will allow family home evening even if you avoid the spiritual side of FHE at first. Let them see you go home teaching, to service projects, invite (with your wife's permission) Missionaries to supper after telling them not to preach the gospel. I promise the spirit will touch them if you throw yourself into God. "seek ye first the kingdom of god and all things shall be added onto you" (not exact quote pg 435 BOM verse 20something.)

Your family may never come unto the gospel but they will feel the change in you if you do all you can for yourself. While as a parent you have the duty to God to teach them the gospel which is going to teach them it better. With no understanding of the gospel force them to attend church and hope some of the spirit of kindness and love makes it through their wall of resentment and anger. Or be the best example you can, invite them to fun activities, never showing upset if they don't go, being a kind caring husband and father. And remain true to the covenants you've made from this point on forgetting the mistakes of the past that you have learned and grown beyond.

Simply ask what would Jesus do? and you'll know what to do.

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I personally would recommend (assuming that you haven't or aren't doing this now) spending every waking moment spending quality time with your kids, collectively and individually. If one likes fishing, then go fishing a lot, etc. The closer and tighter the bonds that you now begin to forge with them and take an "active" interest in them and their lives, the more apt and likely they will be to reciprocate and go to church. Every time you spend quality time with them is an opportunity for teaching moments. It won't happen overnight, but eventually they may develop an interest and even a desire to experience what you have and not take an entire lifetime to find that desire to go to church. Just my two cents.

Edited by skalenfehl
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i know this isn't exactly kosher but try this:

hey, I'm leaving for church tomorrow at ____. would you like to go with me and get breakfast?

do not make them do the whole three hours.

Also, I found offering a Dairy Queen blizzard after church to be a good incentive until it becomes habit. Then you go down to cherry-dipped ice cream cones....then plain twist cones..then plain vanilla cones...then pretty soon your children will look at you like you're in league with the Sith if you ask if they want to go to Dairy Queen on a Sunday :P

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I would think that getting on the same page with your wife would be very important. Negotiate some kind of parameters for a religious education for the kids.

I don't like the "forcing" parental method, especially at this stage in the game. If you and your wife had set the precedent, then something like that might work. But you must deal with your circumstances where they are today. Small changes or invitations, I think, can be your best friend.

I like Skaf's post about spending quality time. Then you can start asking them questions about their thoughts and feelings about God or about other gospel subjects. You can teach and lead in gentle ways. Sometimes those ways are more powerful than standing behind them using the sting of the whip and the bite of the dog.

You could also have religious discussions at family dinner, or make FHE a priority. Do you kids wanna do scouts and activity days? That might also be a place to introduce them to gospel ideas as they are woven into activities.

Making sure your wife was supportive of this would be key. If she had a voice in the discussion without pressure or shame or contention, that would be good too. Sometimes progression is slow. Slow is ok. Talk to a big oak tree. Slowness doesn't seem to be a problem for those giants of the earth. ;)

Also, don't under estimate the power of example. Do you hting and take your boy. Read scriptures. Share you life's spiritual experiences. Ask them about theirs. Pray together as a couple and a family. If that won't work, let them catch you praying and then teach them why you are doing it. "Well, kids. The truck broke and I don't know how to fix it. So, I asked God for help. And now I have an idea...."

By small and simple things, great things come to pass.

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The basic psychology of a human being is that we naturally are unhappy when forced to do anything we do not wish to do. The difficult part is determining what it is your kids want to do, because even though they might not seem like they do, they may very well want to go to church with you.

Here's a few things to avoid: Don't nag. Nagging gets annoying and tends to repel, not attract. Don't play the guilt card too often. It can be useful, but no one likes to feel guilty, and again, it can repel them away from the church.

What to do: Pray. Pray a TON. You are not the one who touches their hearts, that's the spirit's job. Technically speaking, it would require surgery for you to reach that far, but the spirit reaches where no man can. Once you've got God on your side, you can show them by example how much joy the gospel brings into your life, and how much it has changed you for the better. They will begin to wonder what it's all about. Remove any pictures or paintings in your house that might offend the spirit, but do it gradually, replacing them with things that are conducive to the spirit. And PRAY. You never know what kind of a seed you plant until one day, your kid calls you up and asks for the help he knows only you have access to.

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