Have you ever turned down a calling?

[carlimac]

We're currently in a state of transition and stress, just barely moved to a new city 1800 miles away from former home. Trying to get our feet on the ground, trying to learn a new city and adjust, living in temporary housing, kids in new schools, trying to plan a home to be built, driving 40-50 miles everyday transporting kids to school and sports activities, husband with brand new job with huge new and unfamiliar responsibilities that include travel and managing a team. We don't get to be together as a family much right now. And that's just a smidgen of what's going on in our lives. We're overwhelmed! So last night my husband got a calling from the bishop with heavy leadership responsibilities and time commitment. My husband, always the Pleaser and the Yes man, accepted it. Apparently he wasn't given the chance to discuss it with me, but says he was asked to accept the calling on the spot. First of all, that seems inappropriate with a calling that will heavily impact our family. Second of all, the bishop has no idea what's going on with my husband's new job or anything else. He never asked how our family is doing, how we're getting along in a new place, if we're settled in or need any help, etc. He does knows my husband is a former bishop and I believe he snatched him for this calling because my husband is capable and available. (This is a ward abounding in active priesthood holders- no shortage of capable men!!)

Would anyone else be a little miffed? My first reaction was that this is not the right time in our lives for this calling. I've heard a hundred times the saying that we're not supposed to serve only when it's convenient. Also "you're never supposed to turn down a calling" and "the Lord will fill in the gaps when we serve Him". I don't want to deny a blessing for our family or those those my husband would lead.

But then there is the whole principle of not running faster than you have strength. I feel like this calling is coming too soon for my husband and our family- at a time when we're barely holding it together as it is. An article in last month's Ensign hits this head on. ("All Things in Wisdom and Order" by John Taggart) It basically states that a wise bishop will take into consideration a family's circumstances before extending a heavy calling. I don't think this was done.

You would have to know my husband to get the full picture. He says yes to everything- knee jerk reaction, then often has to back peddle to get out of it when he realizes he's in too deep. We had planned to be out of town one weekend but said yes to someone asking him to cover his Sunday School lesson. He said yes he'd go on high adventure with the scouts (even though it wasn't his calling or obligation) the very week the moving company was coming. I constantly have to remind him that he just can't do it all and pull him out of these situations.

Anyway, does anyone think there is an appropriate time to say no to a calling?

[MarginOfError]

We're currently in a state of transition and stress, just barely moved to a new city 1800 miles away from former home. Trying to get our feet on the ground, trying to learn a new city and adjust, living in temporary housing, kids in new schools, trying to plan a home to be built, driving 40-50 miles everyday transporting kids to school and sports activities, husband with brand new job with huge new and unfamiliar responsibilities that include travel and managing a team. We don't get to be together as a family much right now. And that's just a smidgen of what's going on in our lives. We're overwhelmed! So last night my husband got a calling from the bishop with heavy leadership responsibilities and time commitment. My husband, always the Pleaser and the Yes man, accepted it. Apparently he wasn't given the chance to discuss it with me, but says he was asked to accept the calling on the spot. First of all, that seems inappropriate with a calling that will heavily impact our family. Second of all, the bishop has no idea what's going on with my husband's new job or anything else. He never asked how our family is doing, how we're getting along in a new place, if we're settled in or need any help, etc. He does knows my husband is a former bishop and I believe he snatched him for this calling because my husband is capable and available. (This is a ward abounding in active priesthood holders- no shortage of capable men!!)

Would anyone else be a little miffed? My first reaction was that this is not the right time in our lives for this calling. I've heard a hundred times the saying that we're not supposed to serve only when it's convenient. Also "you're never supposed to turn down a calling" and "the Lord will fill in the gaps when we serve Him". I don't want to deny a blessing for our family or those those my husband would lead.

But then there is the whole principle of not running faster than you have strength. I feel like this calling is coming too soon for my husband and our family- at a time when we're barely holding it together as it is. An article in last month's Ensign hits this head on. ("All Things in Wisdom and Order" by John Taggart) It basically states that a wise bishop will take into consideration a family's circumstances before extending a heavy calling. I don't think this was done.

You would have to know my husband to get the full picture. He says yes to everything- knee jerk reaction, then often has to back peddle to get out of it when he realizes he's in too deep. We had planned to be out of town one weekend but said yes to someone asking him to cover his Sunday School lesson. He said yes he'd go on high adventure with the scouts (even though it wasn't his calling or obligation) the very week the moving company was coming. I constantly have to remind him that he just can't do it all and pull him out of these situations.

Anyway, does anyone think there is an appropriate time to say no to a calling?

I'm sorry to give you just a reference to another thread, but we recently just had a discussion about this in the past couple of days. If you haven't read it, would you mind doing so, or if you have, could you tell us what you are seeking in addition to that thread?

http://www.lds.net/forums/advice-board/34413-refusing-callings.html

[Guest mormonmusic]

I think this carries a different shade than the thread MOE quoted. Her husband seems on side with accepting the calling, but she isn't in wholehearted agreement.

Personally, I think there are definitely times when you should say "No". Or, in your husband's case, say "I'd like to talk it over with my wife right now. Our family has been through some big changes and upheaval lately, and I'd like to know her feelings on the subject before I can commit".

Also, it's respectful for priesthood leaders to involve both spouses in these calls. I also think people need time to react and think about it, and that spouses need to be consulted and considered.

As it says in the new testament [paraphrased]...who doesn't count the cost to determine whether there are sufficient resources to build the house before starting to build it? (the house is an analogy in this case for taking on the responsibilities of fulfilling the calling, but only after considering if one has the commitment to do so).

Also, one thing that can hurt marriages is a Love Buster called "Independent Behavior". That's when one spouse makes a big decision that affects their spouse, without consulting them. For example "Honey, I quit my job and now we're moving to the Congo". Or in this case "they extended a call for me to be [insert demanding calling here] and I said "Yes" so now I won't be home 3 nights a week!!!". These things can hurt the love in marriages if the other spouse doesn't agree to it.

AS I've said before, the callee knows their situation inside and out, and this isn't always the case with the priesthood leaders.

We had one stake presidency member who would say "Don't ever refuse a calling, just tell your priesthood leader yoru situation". The implied message -- don't ever decide for yourself whether you want a calling, let me be the final decision-maker. I've never agreed with this as our service is voluntary. Some might choose to give up their "right" to agency and volunteerism for spiritual reasons, but I don't see it as a hard and fast requirement.

So, is there ever a reason to say "No" -- definitely!!

Edited September 8, 2010 by mormonmusic

[Wingnut]

I think this carries a different shade than the thread MOE quoted. Her husband seems on side with accepting the calling, but she isn't in wholehearted agreement.

Not necessarily. He said yes because that's what he does. He wasn't given a chance to think about it himself, much less consult with his wife.

[carlimac]

Not necessarily. He said yes because that's what he does. He wasn't given a chance to think about it himself, much less consult with his wife.

Correct. I also think he is anxious to make a good impression in this new ward. Or to put it another way, he really wants this to be a good experience and is jumping to please and be accepted. Sigh!! Maybe there is too much baggage that I don't feel like revealing in this thread. Lots of stuff that would shed more light on the situation. It's all mentally exhausting! Anyway, I've always been supportive of my husbands callings- never complained once when he was bishop. But this one has stopped me in my tracks for some reason. So I have to reconcile my temple covenants and desire to be obedient with a strong impression that this calling just isn't right- right now.

[beefche]

I really hope you are discussing this with your husband instead of just venting to us. I understand your husband is a "yes" man, but he needs to put his family first. And your job is to help him do so. If you truly think this calling isn't right for your family, then you need to discuss this with your husband. It is HIS responsibility to let the bishop know the things going on in his life, regardless if the bishop asks or not.

I'm sure it is frustrating with everything going on in your life right now and then you have this to deal with. But, you are the best one to influence your husband to think more concretely and specifically about his duties as husband and father. Good luck.

[carlimac]

Yes, we discussed this last night. He knows precisely how I feel and he did call the bishop back last night to put this whole thing on hold for a few days while we can figure things out.

[sixpacktr]

No, never have. Either you believe that the calling is from the Lord, who knows your situation and the needs of your family and the needs of the ward, or you don't. If you don't believe the calling is from the Lord, then there are other issues at play.

It's very black and white.

[beefche]

I disagree, six. We recently approved a calling for a sister in my stake (I have a stake calling) and when I was told by the 1st counselor in the stake she had been approved and they would issue the call to her, I informed him that she had moved out of state.

The Lord works through men. Sometimes these men receive direct revelation on callings. Sometimes they make the best decisions they can with the information they have and the Lord allows them to work within their calling--learning and growing as we all do.

While I do believe we should accept callings in general, I do believe that sometimes calls are made to individuals that may not be right. It is then up to that individual to let the bishop know the circumstances and allow that bishop to use his gifts to know if he should extend the call or repeal it.

[Guest mormonmusic]

He said yes because that's what he does. He wasn't given a chance to think about it himself, much less consult with his wife.

We create our own chances to think about things by asserting ourselves. I think he made the right decision by calling back the right person in the Bishopric and asking for time so he and his wife could talk about it.

Edited September 8, 2010 by mormonmusic

[carlimac]

We create our own chances to think about things by asserting ourselves. I think he made the right decision by calling back the right person in the Bishopric and asking for time so he and his wife could talk about it.

His patriarchal blessing tells him to accept callings. So he did. It was as simple as that (in his mind). He just forgot to look at the big picture in the heat and pressure of the moment. I reminded him that he always has the option to say, "Let me discuss this with my wife first." And I painted the big picture pretty clearly when he got home. My guess is that he might ultimately accept the call but we need time to adjust some things. It will require even some of our kids to give up activities and personal desires...that trickle down effect that many men don't think exists. I just wish the bishop would have had the sensitivity to ask about our present situation before assuming we'd just take this on without batting an eye. It would also have been nice to let us ease our way into the ward, teach a class or serve on a comittee- get a feel for the ward members and get to know people better before putting my husband in a position of having to call counselors and lead people who don't know him, nor he them. Like I said before, this is huge ward with many able and capable priesthood holders. I just don't see the emergency need of scooping up the newest newcomer for something like this. Maybe out in a struggling branch? Yes. But not here.

[MarginOfError]

If you're new to the ward and haven't gotten to know people yet, how do you know that there are so many strong and capable priesthood holders! (I really am only teasing you)

[carlimac]

If you're new to the ward and haven't gotten to know people yet, how do you know that there are so many strong and capable priesthood holders! (I really am only teasing you)

Sheer numbers! :) I dunno. Maybe all these men are boozin behind the barn on the weekends and my husband is truly the only one righteous enough. But I doubt it.

[MarginOfError]

Sheer numbers! :) I dunno. Maybe all these men are boozin behind the barn on the weekends and my husband is truly the only one righteous enough. But I doubt it.

Your numbers argument doesn't work the way you think. According to the Law of Large Numbers, they would just have a bigger keg behind the barn.

[Moksha]

Anyway, does anyone think there is an appropriate time to say no to a calling?

Of course there are times to say no. The question is, can you provide enough behavior modification to train your husband to say "I have to consult with my wife first", so this problem will not continue arising.

[mnn727]

I have turned down 1 calling in my life and that was as a Primary Teacher.

Now look, I have taught: E.Q., Gospel Principles in Church a couple times, and even a Gospel Principles class in a federal prison, yet the thought of teaching primary was more than I could handle.

Unfortunatly the Lord got back at me and called me as Ward Exec Secretary a few months later.

[Guest mormonmusic]

His patriarchal blessing tells him to accept callings. So he did. It was as simple as that (in his mind). He just forgot to look at the big picture in the heat and pressure of the moment. I reminded him that he always has the option to say, "Let me discuss this with my wife first." And I painted the big picture pretty clearly when he got home. My guess is that he might ultimately accept the call but we need time to adjust some things. It will require even some of our kids to give up activities and personal desires...that trickle down effect that many men don't think exists. I just wish the bishop would have had the sensitivity to ask about our present situation before assuming we'd just take this on without batting an eye. It would also have been nice to let us ease our way into the ward, teach a class or serve on a comittee- get a feel for the ward members and get to know people better before putting my husband in a position of having to call counselors and lead people who don't know him, nor he them. Like I said before, this is huge ward with many able and capable priesthood holders. I just don't see the emergency need of scooping up the newest newcomer for something like this. Maybe out in a struggling branch? Yes. But not here.

My patriarchal blessing says the same thing -- to accept callings from the Lord. However, the meaning isn't as literal to me as you might think. If you look back at my life, I've accepted a ton of callings. Not EVERY calling, but I've accepted callings plural. Also, the stipulation that it's from the Lord. There have been times when I felt it wasn't an inspired call because of my personal circumstances and lack of feeling of support when I prayed about taking the calling.

[Over43]

I have asked for the Bishopric the think about the calling before annswering. I spend 40+ hours a week working with kids. They asked me to serve in primary sometime ago, I told them fine, but explained to them that the three hours at church on Sunday was one of the few times during the week I was actually with adults, and asked them to take that into cconsideration. A day or two later they called and asked me to be th Gospel Doctrine teacher. LOL, I guess I literally asked for taht one.

[LDSVALLEY]

In our Ward an auxiliary leader will submit a form to fill a calling after praying about that person. The Bishopric will then pray about it. If they get a yes then the calling is extended......Sounds simple.....but!

There are times the Bishop will not even pray about the person they just refuse it. Times when multiple Leaders submit requests for the same person after praying, times when members are not extended a calling opportunity for long periods of time, some people stay in callings for years and years. IN my case the longest I ever kept a calling was my last one 3 years. My average length of service is 1 year.

These things tell me that there are usually a number of people the Lord will accept for a calling. However as with all things we are to do the groundwork before taking it to the Lord. Often Leaders rush the process and simply pray about a person that comes to mind and asks if they are good for the calling. Usually the Lord is going to work with what you give him. If a Leader doesn't go through the steps of finding who would best fit the calling, unless it is someone familiar to take some time and find out the life situation and if the Bishop does not do the same thing then it is possible to not make the best choice.

I have never refused a calling but have made it clear if a particular calling was extended I would refuse it. Last year I had a big calling and the Bishop hinted around about me taking on a second one so I bluntly told him 1 person 1 calling since we have enough members active to cover them.

The last time we submitted a name for a second councilor the Bishop told the EQ President point blank that he would not get that person but had to take this one. So I guess I am no longer in 'training'.

The long and short of it is :callings do come from the Lord. It is okay to refuse a calling. It is okay to ask for time to pray about accepting a alling.

Itis okay to request a meeting with a Bishop to explain concerns or issues. It is okay to ask for time to speak to a spouse.

If it is going to effect the entire family then you should all pray to the Lord together and ask him for direction. Rarely is it a good time to accept a calling. Although some times are worse then others. But don't decide a spiritual matter with Earthly thinking. Deal with spiritual matters with spiritual thinking.

Edited September 11, 2010 by LDSVALLEY

[jayanna]

Carlimac, do you think that maybe you and your hubby moved to that area b/c the Lord wanted him there for that service? Or maybe the Lord prompted your bishop to ask him, just to give him this very lesson!

When my hubby recieved the M. priesthood, the counselor position in EQ had not been filled for over a year. The week he received the priesthood, he was called. Then EQ pres a year later, then ward mission leader 1 year later, and now bishopric 1 year later.

I was kinda excited at first, then like, okay...whoa, stop there. Now I think that there is a very good reason I'm so independent. I'm just really glad that he isn't called away to a foreign country, like some priesthood holders had to go on missions when the church was just getting started. I try to remember that he doesn't really belong to me, and try to be grateful for what time I do get with him. Especially since he has 2 jobs and is enrolled in school full time.

We've made things as simple as possible at home...we live across the street from the school, I work 10-2 mon-fri, so I can take them to all their activities, if they have any, and our oldest child does quite a bit of the yard work I can't do since I have heart problems.

Prayer really is the most important thing to do when getting a new calling, so that you KNOW it is from the Lord. Temple attendance and fasting with the whole family is nice too. When you pray you should also pray for the bishop, and yourselves to know the right things to do.

I'm sure everything will work out great :)

[jcob]

Don't miss out on the blessings that come with every calling

[anim82r]

The Savior once advised, Let your yea yea and nay nay. Your husband must learn how to say no if he doesn't want to do what is requested of him. Or not necessarily that he doesn't want the thing that is requested of him rather, that when he doesn't have the time, the means, or the strength to do it.

With regards to extending a call. I was once a Bishop and a Branch President myself. In the Priesthood Training Video leaders are instructed to first interview the person to whom the call is being extended but not extending the call yet. If the person in that interview is found worthy and able to perform for a calling the next move will be for the bishop or branch president to invite the spouse of the person. Then the Bishop or Branch President will tell them what the interview was all about. Then the calling will be announced to both the person interviewed and the spouse. Then the two of them had to agree or disagree after the calling has been announced. They may even discuss in that room about the calling and their circumstances with the Bishop or Branch President and decide whether or not to accept it. I think it will be perfectly fine with your Bishop if you tell him about this procedure just in case he doesn't know that that's how he's supposed to extend a calling. Same is true with youth and single adults who are still dependents when a calling is being extended to them. After an interview with them their parents or legal guardians must be invited in the office before the calling is given, then that's the time the calling is announced to both the person interviewed and their parents.

About accepting a calling. Elder Thomas S. Monson said, " Never aspire for a Church Position. When you are called never say no. When the going gets tough never resign." If you think your husband is worthy for a calling, then there is no reason for him to say no. I promise you that things will work out in favor of your welfare if he accepts the calling extended to him. I don't think that the scripture pertaining to running more than your have strength did not mean not accepting a calling when we are laid with heavy temporal loads. I know blessings will come in ways we don't expect and in ways we don't even know to be there but is already there. Believe me sister, the only thing that should stop anyone from accepting a calling is their unworhtiness.

[Truegrits]

I had rather a person say "No" to a calling, than to accept it, then not fulfill it. I cannot remember how many times I have experienced a person basically becoming inactive, after accepting a calling they did not want. We have a person in a calling now, that will come to Sacrament, then disappear, rather than be in her calling. The rest of the Presidency does her calling, picks up the slack...week after week, month after month. Maybe there is a lesson in there somewhere, but I fail to see the point of acceptance, then not actually doing it. When you say "I accept" does that not mean you will do it? Are the brownie points given for saying "Yes", no matter what?

[Melissa569]

Life is not "one size fits all". You cannot apply the same rules to every single person. There will always be people who are not able to live up to certain demands, exactly as they are laid out.

For example, if it were a commandment to jog for 30 minutes a day, I wouldn't punish someone with no legs, for not being able to do it. Some kind of alternative would have to be offered for them.

In that sense, I think its perfectly ok to turn down a calling, if it really dos not suit your capabilities.

I've had to turn down a calling before. It was church-related, but it was to care for special needs children. I am really NOT the motherly type at all. I'm 29 years old, and I've never even thought of being a mother. I find it extremely difficult to pay attention to children, because I really have no idea how to communicate with them. I was raised by an ex Green Beret, and the only female in my house-- so everything was always about being tomboy-ish. I was also "the baby" in my family. Nobody was younger than me. I didn't look after or take care of anyone else. I was always the one that looked up to everyone, the one that everybody took care of or doted upon. So I really don't know how to reverse that role.

It takes a very special kind of person to work with children-- someone who is patient, with little or no temper, someone who can get down on a child's level mentally and who really enjoys being around children. I can honestly say that I am none of those things, and never have been... I may never be either. If I ever have my own children, I think I would be more like a drill sergeant, lol. I would be commanding and orderly, I would expect them to fall in line.

And it takes an EXTRA special person to work with special needs children. I firmly believed that I was soooooooooo NOT the right person for the job. And I said all that to my bishop too. He just kind of starred at me with his jaw dropped, and was speachless. He didn't know what to make of that, lol. But I had to be honest...

Now, if I get a calling to teach all the women in church "wilderness survival skills" or self defense--- well that would be right up my alley! :) Don't get me wrong, I do have a "womanly" side. As in I sometimes wear a little makeup, I dress feminine (although with pants), I'm a darn good cook, I keep a clean home, I can sew and do crafts, I love romantic movies or books, etc. Its just my feminine side doesn't include "nurtuting". At least not much.

Edited September 15, 2010 by Melissa569

[pam]

Callings are not always about what your capabilities are. Callings are sometimes to help us strengthen our weaknesses.

Perhaps the calling to work with the children would have taught you the patience you were lacking.