Repentance will end my marriage

[myalternate]

I have been guilty of adultery. I want to repent. But if I tell my bishop and my wife she will leave me and I will lose my children who are very young. I know I can't expect to get much sympathy. I am a good person who just made a bad mistake. I can't see how my kids can benifit from my coming forward right now. So I have a choice.

Never do it again and do all I can to repent except confess my sins at a much later date. And in doing so keep my family intact.

Or confess my sins now and have my wife leave me and take the kids with her.

What is best for the kids? I am not a bad person. I make enough to provide for my family and my children are all very smart and doing well. If I come clean now this will ruin things for them. WIthout repentance I have lost them for eternity. With repentance I lose them for eternity.

I don't believe it is possible to confess my sin to a bishop and have it not turn out bad. What would jesus want to have me do?

[slamjet]

What would jesus want to have me do?

Not run away from the consequences, lean on him in prayer and fasting and trust him that it will all work out in the end. Maybe not how you want it, but what is best for you and your salvation.

[NeuroTypical]

Here's a question: Let's assume your wife jumped into bed with some guy. Would you want to hear it from her as she was repenting and going to the bishop and whatnot, or would you rather she keep it a secret for the duration of your marriage?

[prophetofdoom]

Satan wants you to keep this dirty little secret. It will fester and burden your spirit... and you will continue being miserable. I agree with Slamjet. Pray mightily and fast mightily. This will have to be resolved with Priesthood Authority. I am going to pray for you brother.

[Backroads]

Would it help that I've seen several success stories where adultry and sincere repentance of it did not end the marriage?

[rameumptom]

I work in a prison as a judge. One of the terms I frequently hear is "I am not a bad person." That one term tells so much. Bad compared to whom? Compared to Hitler, I'd have to agree. Compared to President Monson, I'd beg to differ.

That said, the term suggests the person is not truly or fully repentant. Full repentance means you have to confess to God AND those offended (Church and family).To not do so is to live a lie, and in indirect ways you will hurt your kids and wife.

You don't know if she will actually leave you or not. And in reality, the time to think about such things was before you made such a choice.

Adultery is not against the law, but it is stated by Alma as a very grievous sin against God - only murder and denying the Holy Ghost are worse. If the situation were reversed, would you want your wife to spend the next several decades keeping such a lie from you? Yes, the truth hurts, but lies have greater consequences in the long run.

Repent fully, or your family will still suffer in the long run from it. Talk to your bishop and get his counsel on this. Then follow it.

[Guest jengilbrat]

I have an ex-husband and he lied like mad. I think if he would have been honest with me, always, the marriage may have been saved. Relationships need trust and weather she know it or not, she can't trust you right now. The only way to regain trust is to be trustworthy. Talk to the bishop, talk to your wife.

[MorningStar]

Don't justify not confessing. The secrecy will just drive you to do it again and you will spend years trying to kick it on your own, fail, and continue to excuse yourself for not telling the truth. Your wife will find out eventually. Tell the truth and she will be more likely to stick it out with you. Many women say they would leave if it happened to them, but once faced with the situation, they choose to stay.

[myalternate]

I appreciate the comments. This is why I came here is to get advice. I wish I could talk to my bishop but I can't without starting some balls rolling. To address rameumptom's advice and comments. How would you have me classify myself? As a bad person? Obviously I am not fully repentant since I have not confessed to anyone. Obviously what I have done is terrible. I guess any of what may appear on the surface as good attributes come into question if I am living a lie. Am I to give into that belief that I am bad as Satan would have me do? Or do I hold out hope that God still loves me and that I only made a mistake that can be covered by the atonement? I want to believe the later.

So when I say I am not a bad person I mean it only to describe myself in a broad manner. I have been a faithful member of the church all my life. Served a mission. Married in the temple. Full tithe payer. Hard working bread winner. My children are happy and well cared for. My Wife is able to be a stay at home Mom becuase of my hard work. I don't have a criminal record. I don't beat anyone. I go to my kids school programs and sports activities. I read with my kids. I help with household chores. I can fix cars, homes, computers. I read the scriptures. I pray. I keep the word of wisdom. I hold callings and serve faithfully. I MADE A HUGE MISTAKE! According to the church all that was good in me is now in question and means nothing unless I REPENT which means confession. How can I do this? Everything will change.

The woman I was unfaithful with has confessed to her bishop. She has done this before with another man so this is the second time she has confessed. She is being disfellowshipped for a year. She has no kids and her husband has had issues of his own so she never worried about losing anyone. I am afraid they won't treat me so kind. Since I am a preisthood holder. Even though I have never done anything like this before. My wife has never done anything wrong so this would rock her world. She has already told me she would leave if I was unfaithful. So I do know what she will do.

I know it sounds trite to say I don't want to hurt anyone when I have already done so. My wife and I have had our problems. But my kids are complete innocent victims. I just don't know what to do.

[myalternate]

Does anyone know how detailed my confession has to be to my wife?

[MorningStar]

Your wife says that, but she probably believes that you would never do that to her. Countless women have said, "If he cheated on me, I would leave!" But then it happens and when actually faced with such a major thing as ending their marriage, they don't actually leave.

It's very likely your wife will find out on her own. If she does, that will be way worse. I guarantee it. You are much better off telling her voluntarily and begging for her forgiveness, then doing everything humanly possible to show you are committed to changing. Lying and hiding it makes it way worse. In fact, she may feel there is a missing piece of a puzzle in your marriage, but she can't put her finger on it. She might not say it, but you might even put an end to some very difficult emotions for her.

[Guest jengilbrat]

I thought the point of going to the bishop was to get the ball rolling.

In my very own opinion, not telling your wife could hurt her and the kids more.

[MorningStar]

Does anyone know how detailed my confession has to be to my wife?

I don't know, but she'll probably ask you about who, where, why, how many times, etc. You can't undo what you did, but you can tell the truth.

[slamjet]

You need to understand that if she named you, you will be investigated, called before the counsel, and the consequences will happen anyhow. I would suggest that you going in and confessing is not only the better part of valor, but necessary for the salvation of your own soul. Unfortunately in this case, you may not be able to save and keep everything you now have. However, that is the consequence of your action, it is inescapable, it will happen, it is only a matter of time.

When I was talking to my Stake President before my disciplinary hearing, I told him I was afraid of not having the Gift of the Holy Ghost. He told me very sharply; "you don't have the Holy Ghost with you. Matter of fact, there are many members of this stake walking around who think they do, but don't have it either." I would also go as far as saying that the Scriptures bear out that you do not have the priesthood power either. Because you haven't begun the repentance process and confessed.

You need to exercise a little faith and do what you need to do and let the Church do what it needs to do. Otherwise you will have this hanging over you, your marriage and family for a long, long time until it's dealt with.

Ultimately however, it is your choice what path you will take.

[Guest jengilbrat]

If you don't fess up, you are not even giving her a chance to forgive you. Yes, she might leave, that that would be from a choice you made, that she had no say in. It's only fair and right to give her the chance to make her own choice. I'm sure the bishop will want to speak with her and give her some advice on that, too.

Unfortunally you can't sweep it under the rug and make it go away. The longer you wait the harder it will be.

[MorningStar]

Another piece of advice:

If you can get someone to watch the kids while you tell her, perhaps even with family overnight, she can cry without worrying about upsetting the kids or neglecting them. Or maybe she'll decide to go stay where they are for the night. This is like telling someone about a death, but she won't be able to tell everyone and she won't be surrounded with support, flowers, meals brought in, etc.

[Guest jengilbrat]

MorningStar is right. When I got really bad news from my ex, or found drugs he'd been using, or emails he sent to women, I could not functions for a day or two, I litterally pushed my kids away, those moments when I knew life would never be the same. Good thinking, MorningStar!

[Guest JustAnotherGirl]

I have been guilty of adultery. I want to repent. But if I tell my bishop and my wife she will leave me and I will lose my children who are very young. I know I can't expect to get much sympathy. I am a good person who just made a bad mistake. I can't see how my kids can benifit from my coming forward right now. So I have a choice.

Never do it again and do all I can to repent except confess my sins at a much later date. And in doing so keep my family intact.

Or confess my sins now and have my wife leave me and take the kids with her.

What is best for the kids? I am not a bad person. I make enough to provide for my family and my children are all very smart and doing well. If I come clean now this will ruin things for them. WIthout repentance I have lost them for eternity. With repentance I lose them for eternity.

I don't believe it is possible to confess my sin to a bishop and have it not turn out bad. What would jesus want to have me do?

I am in a similar situation. I so wish I could take it back. But I cannot. The bell has been rung and it cannot be unrung. .

Seriously, I'm not sure about a lot of things, but I am certain that the scriptures are true. And the scriptures say:

Alma 13:27

And now, my brethren, I wish from the inmost part of my heart, yea, with great anxiety even unto pain, that ye would hearken unto my words, and cast off your sins, and not procrastinate the day of your repentance;

Alma 34:35

For behold, if ye have procrastinated the day of your repentance even until death, behold, ye have become subjected to the spirit of the devil, and he doth seal you his; therefore, the Spirit of the Lord hath withdrawn from you, and hath no place in you, and the devil hath all power over you; and this is the final state of the wicked.

So, please, repent. And I will also. The devil does not want us to repent.

Your marriage is not necessarily over.

Seriously, we are always free to choose. But we're not always free to choose the consequences of our decisions.

[mstherapist]

I have a friend that told and his wife's hatred grew larger than his sin of adultery. He lost everything and she twisted the kids minds and told them how evil her exhusband was and now the kids see there father once a week. I don't see how confessing to the Bishop made is family whole again. It damaged the kids and made a good women go off the deep end with hatred.

I also know a man that never told and waited till later in life and then confessed. He made sure he made up to her 5 times the amount of what he did. He went to counseling, he took her on trips, he told her he loved her everyday. He made her life wonderful.....then he told her 10 years later. She had been shown so much love over the years that she realized how much he cared for.....how fearful he was to lose her and she forgave him.

Then I know someone that didn't tell and he did nothing to really make amends....he later told his wife 10 years after the fact and she cried....why? Because she wanted to leave but needed the reason to do so... He had stold her youth and beauty. It was too late to find another and she hated him for it. They are still togeher but rarely speak.

as you can see there are a million out comes to the same problem. I feel for you. To be spiritual and do the teachings of this religion honestly. Then you confess. But with consequences you may very well have a bad outcome. So I can give no advice because in the end its children that get hurt. If you can keep the family together tell.....if your going to end up divorcing then keep the mouth shut and do what the first guy did and make up for it everyday of your life.... I don't know....maybe that is not the way of god....but the way to get through the world and not hurt your kids.

But let me say something else.....something that I see more than not.....if you cheated then you will be capable of it even easier the second time around. And the second time around when your oldest child finds out you will destroy them more than if you just left willingly while they were young. If she knows then she might be willing to help you.

Either way, get the book 300 Questions LDS Couples Ask for a More Vibrant Marriage. There are a lot of questions in it that you two can go through to figure out how to fix this mess your in and fgure out if you should stay or go.

[Guest JustAnotherGirl]

She has already told me she would leave if I was unfaithful. So I do know what she will do.

I know it sounds trite to say I don't want to hurt anyone when I have already done so. My wife and I have had our problems. But my kids are complete innocent victims. I just don't know what to do.

Hey, Myalternate. Many years ago, I seriously thought I would leave my husband if he ever was into porn (Ya, I know, it's not adultery, but it is pretty bad). Then he was addicted to porn for a time. You know what? I didn't leave him after all. Maybe your wife is stronger than she knows.

[slamjet]

I have a friend that told and his wife's hatred grew larger than his sin of adultery. He lost everything and she twisted the kids minds and told them how evil her exhusband was and now the kids see there father once a week. I don't see how confessing to the Bishop made is family whole again. It damaged the kids and made a good women go off the deep end with hatred.

I also know a man that never told and waited till later in life and then confessed. He made sure he made up to her 5 times the amount of what he did. He went to counseling, he took her on trips, he told her he loved her everyday. He made her life wonderful.....then he told her 10 years later. She had been shown so much love over the years that she realized how much he cared for.....how fearful he was to lose her and she forgave him.

Then I know someone that didn't tell and he did nothing to really make amends....he later told his wife 10 years after the fact and she cried....why? Because she wanted to leave but needed the reason to do so... He had stold her youth and beauty. It was too late to find another and she hated him for it. They are still togeher but rarely speak.

as you can see there are a million out comes to the same problem. I feel for you. To be spiritual and do the teachings of this religion honestly. Then you confess. But with consequences you may very well have a bad outcome. So I can give no advice because in the end its children that get hurt. If you can keep the family together tell.....if your going to end up divorcing then keep the mouth shut and do what the first guy did and make up for it everyday of your life.... I don't know....maybe that is not the way of god....but the way to get through the world and not hurt your kids.

But let me say something else.....something that I see more than not.....if you cheated then you will be capable of it even easier the second time around. And the second time around when your oldest child finds out you will destroy them more than if you just left willingly while they were young. If she knows then she might be willing to help you.

Either way, get the book 300 Questions LDS Couples Ask for a More Vibrant Marriage. There are a lot of questions in it that you two can go through to figure out how to fix this mess your in and fgure out if you should stay or go.

Oh... my... word! Not a single word of hope here! It sounds like "if you confess to the Bishop, your life is screwed, BUT if you only need to read 'this' book and it will fix it all." There's something really, really wrong with this post.

[Guest jengilbrat]

I totally agree with slamjet! Right now this mistake is holding you back from progressing. Ignoring it for years will not make it better. Who knows your wife might forgive you now, but leave if she finds out you have been hiding it from her. Hiding the truth is one way of bearing false witness. Also you are furthering you sins if you continue to take the sacrament as if nothing was wrong. I hate to see people go through these things, however these are the steps we need to take to be freed from our sins.

Tell your bishop and wife. Let your wife decide if she wants to stay or not. You might be surprised. You might not be surprised. But you will be on the road to forgiveness and ultimately, you will need that n order to progress.

[slamjet]

You know, I've been guilty of a lot of things and I can personally attest that to confess and start the repentance process is difficult, and the aftermath is not easy at all. However, even though I've had a lot of consequences heaped on me for all the bad stuff, I can look back and see the hand of God involved in every step since I confessed. I can now say that I feel more free than I ever have; physically, emotionally and spiritually. The blessing is that all that suffering and bad decision making was turned into knowing more and a huge amount of wisdom. It's difficult, if downright impossible at times to see into the future because the here and now is so strong and all encompassing. But stay close to the Church and the Lord and you will end up being amazed at the tender mercies that will be literally, poured out for you.

[classylady]

If I personally was the wife, I would want to know. If I found out years after the fact, I would feel like I'd been living a lie. There's going to be anger, hurt, feelings of betrayal, etc. no matter when you confess. Do you want the children to be angry with you as adults, for they will be upset with you. Children seem to be more resilient than we give them credit for, and I believe over time they will learn to forgive you.

My husband left his first wife after she had several affairs. She did not want the divorce, and wanted to live with an open marriage. That wasn't acceptable to my husband and he felt that wasn't the best atmosphere for their two young children to live with. She wanted to party at that time in her life, which isn't conducive to raising children, and my husband got custody of their children. That was over 25 years ago. My step-children love their mother, and they've forgiven her. They've had time over the years to come to grips with what happened. And I believe it's a lot easier on younger children than teenagers to have such a traumatic event like divorce happen. Even if your wife forgives you and doesn't leave, she is going to have issues to deal with. No matter what happens it's going to be hard on her, because let's face it--you betrayed her.

What you did is wrong. You need to confess and rid yourself of this sin. How can you live with yourself with a clear conscience knowing what you did? You would be miserable knowing you are hiding this sin from your wife, and knowing you aren't clean before the Lord. You will feel so much better after confession, because it's the right thing to do--even if the consequences are hard.

[pam]

Either way, get the book 300 Questions LDS Couples Ask for a More Vibrant Marriage. There are a lot of questions in it that you two can go through to figure out how to fix this mess your in and fgure out if you should stay or go.

This is the 3rd thread now this book has been promoted. It's starting to come off as spam.

Edited March 3, 2011 by pam