Gay Son

[ultma_mom3]

Recently my son, 18, told me that he was gay and that he no longer believes that the church is true. I don't know how to respond or what to say or how to deal with this situation. any suggestions or thoughts?

[JudoMinja]

There are a multitude of ways you could respond to this, but ultimately how your son decides to live his life is up to him. You've presumably done your part in teaching him what you could, and now he is an "adult" and has to gain his own testimony. The best thing you can do is continue to love him, even if you disagree with the way he views himself and the world.

For someone to be "gay", they do not necessarily have to pursue a gay relationship. Your son feels attracted to other men, instead of feeling attracted to women. As LDS, we believe that acting on feelings of attraction should only be done in the bonds of marriage between a man and a woman. There is nothing wrong with him feeling the way he does, as long as he does not act on those feelings in a manner unacceptable in the eyes of the Lord. If he continues to feel that the only way he will have a fulfilling intimate relationship is with another man, the only way he would be right in the eyes of the Lord is to not have an intimate relationship at all.

Many people who go through gender-confusion (I use this term to explain a point in time where they may be uncertain what their attractions are and may identify themselves as gay but may not actually be so) lose faith in any religion that denounces gay practices, thinking that the religion denounces THEM. Because many people are genetically disposed to having gay feelings and cannot "control" that attraction, they think the religion must be wrong. Why would a religion denounce you over something yu can't control?

There are, however, support groups out there for people like your son, even within the church. Eighteen is a normal age for him to be struggling with his faith, as he needs to strike out on his own and develop his own testimony. Perhaps he just needs a little tender guidance to "refind" his faith. He may still be "gay", but that is not a problem as long as he is not acting on the feelings. Then again, he may find that the LDS faith just isn't "for him". Only he can determine that, as the decision is up to him.

The best you can do is continue to support and love him, while making it clear what BEHAVIORS you do and do not approve of. You can be happy with your son without being happy with the decisions he makes, and "being gay" is not necessarily a decision. Having a gay partner, on the other hand, is a decision.

[LDSJewess]

Ironically my 42 year old son and I had a conversation on the phone over the weekend about loving our children unconditionally and how he would hope his children now adolescents and teens become happy adults and make good choices. We agreed that if a child of his/grandchild of mine was gay we would love and support them and let them know that we don't place conditions on our love even when we do not understand them or agree with their choices.

The best thing any parent or family member can do is assure their children that they will love them and have their back unconditionally.

It will serve no purpose to distance yourself from your child either.

Your adult son is aware of your religious beliefs and so just live as you believe and live your own life and set your own example for living. Then all you can do is thank God for a healthy child and all the joy he has brought you and will continue to bring to you in his own way.

His being gay will bring many difficult physical, emotional and spiritual challenges into his life, and he will need to struggle for a lifetime perhaps with being different.

Just let him know that you love him. Pray for him. You raised him in love. Trust Heavenly Father will work it all out.

My very best to you and your family.

Edited May 23, 2011 by LDSJewess
spelling errors

[Vort]

Recently my son, 18, told me that he was gay and that he no longer believes that the church is true. I don't know how to respond or what to say or how to deal with this situation. any suggestions or thoughts?

I'm sorry to hear this. Here are my thoughts:

There are two separate but related issues at stake. One is your son's declaration of homosexuality; the other, his renouncing his religion.

At 18, your legally adult son is still impressionable, but he has made a choice. The often-scummy world we live in portrays homosexuality as both acceptable and desirable. Perhaps he has always felt some inclination toward homosexuality, or maybe he experimented with it at a younger age. Whatever the reason, he has chosen to embrace that identity. That is not your choice; there is nothing you can do about it, at least directly.

It seems highly likely that your son's renouncement of his LDS religion is tied to his self-identification as a homosexual. The Church teaches that homosexual actions are wrong. If you wish to engage in such actions, then you either accept that you are consciously and willingly disobeying God's will and doing wrong, or else you claim that you don't believe the Church's teachings. It is logically impossible to believe the Church's teachings about homosexuality and simultaneously believe that homosexual relations are acceptable.

This is a tough situation for you, and I'm sorry you find yourself there. I am also sorry for your son. My advice, for whatever it's worth, is to hold tight to your son. Your attitude toward him can tell him that while his choices and actions may be unacceptable, he is loved by you. It's possible that at some future date he will return and try to change his life. In any case, you can love and care about him even while you hold to your own beliefs.

[Elphaba]

I second everything LDSJewess said. I also thought this article, which is an interview of Elders Oaks and Wickman about same-gender attraction, might be of interest to you.

ETA: I've fixed the link. Thanks to estradling75 for the heads up.

Elphaba

Edited May 23, 2011 by Elphaba

[seeking_peace]

It took a lot of courage for him to come to you, knowing that it would be a shock and understanding that he is “going against” what he has been taught his whole life. Recognize that. Thank him for trusting you. Love him. Accept him. Love him. Support him. Love him (have I said, “love him”?).

Pray for guidance. Do what you can to strengthen your testimony and your relationship with the Lord.

I have gay siblings, and about the time that they “came out” (in rather rapid succession), my mother stopped going to church. She felt like she couldn’t accept a church that didn’t accept her children. My father continued going to church for a time, but his activity became a strain on their marriage and he eventually became inactive, as well.

I love all of my siblings and (although one shouldn’t have favorites) my gay brothers are my favorites. They are wonderful, funny, responsible, caring, loving individuals. Being with them makes me happy. One has a partner that I adore and I think that he is the best thing that has happened to my brother.

Your son is the same person that he was before he “came out.” Remember to look at him and see the wonderful son that he is.

You are shocked and disappointed—how can you not be? This is not the life that you imagined for him. It’s not an easy life. He will have challenges that we will never understand. You are unhappy that he has turned away from the church. You are sad that he will not bring your grandchildren to Thanksgiving dinner…But he is still your son, and you still love him.

If he had come to you and told you that he no longer believes the church is true—without the complication of being gay, how would you react? If he had come to you, and told you that he has been sexually active, would you love him less? If he were to come to you at some later time with a fiancé that you really didn’t like, would you still want him to be happy? What if he were to tell you that he was an alcoholic?

There are so many things that pull someone from the church. There are things that our loved ones will do, that we don’t agree with. There are choices that they make that we know will be burdens. But we can’t pray away their agency. We can only continue to love them.

[Gwen]

I'm in a hurry so I didn't read all the responses but my first thought was "Do nothing."

Nothing has changed. He's your son, the same person he was the day before he told you. Talk to him and treat him as you always have, he's invited to family activities etc as always. Don't try to preach or set him up with girls but you don't have to hide the faith he knows you have. If you want to say something about church then say it, it's not a secret, he grew up with it. Above all else he's your son.

[pam]

Your adult son is aware of your religious beliefs and so just live as you believe and live your own life and set your own example for living. Then all you can do is thank God for a healthy child and all the joy he has brought you and will continue to bring to you in his own way.

i applaud what LDSJewess said. I also have a son that announced he is gay. He let me know at Christmas time. Merry Christmas mom!

But I totally agree that you have to go on with your own life and live it the way you know you should. We still talk about gospel related subjects. He still asks me questions. But he also knows I still love and adore him.

Edited May 24, 2011 by pam

[Backroads]

I think all that has been said has been said.

I assume you have done your part as a mother. He's 18. I'm sure you're raised a good and moral person.

Here's something to hold onto: He trusted you enough to tell you.

[Soulsearcher]

I think all that has been said has been said.

I assume you have done your part as a mother. He's 18. I'm sure you're raised a good and moral person.

Here's something to hold onto: He trusted you enough to tell you.

Backroads brings up a very good point. I still haven't told my family and moved away so i didn't really have to. Just be mindful and avoid making him feel like he's made a mistake in telling you, nothings changed, he's the same person and i can tell you from experience the worst part in my experience in telling LDS people close to me is the sudden withdrawal and being treated like a completely different person.

[Guest DeborahC]

I have 3 sons, brought them all up the same, and one is gay.

With my son, I had no idea.. he is not effeminate.

But.. he most certainly is gay.

He told me when he was 16.

I supported him to the best of my ability because I love him.

Do I think this is "normal?"

Not at all.

However, I personally do NOT believe this is a choice.

Nobody in their right mind would choose such a difficult lifestyle.

I also refuse to condemn him to living the rest of his life alone.

I have a friend with a 2 young sons. One is 7 and one is 3.

The seven year old is obviously gay.

He loves dressing in princess clothes and playing with dolls.

He sneaks into his mother's make-up while his younger brother is playing with trucks.

Nobody taught him this.

There is no television in the home.

The parents are good parents.

There is nothing to influence this child in this direction.

It is NOT the choice of a 7 year old, and anyone who says that.. well, they're just wrong.

I believe that science will prove beyond a doubt that this is genetic, and possibly caused by damage to the DNA by hormones fed to our cattle and chickens or other environmental pollution. I believe I was exposed to something while pregnant that caused this, or perhaps it was a result of the nuclear testing done in the 50's when I was a girl, damaging the DNA of the eggs that were then in my child womb.

When this is proven, the Church will have a difficult decision to make.

Banning a gay person from a relationship is no better than banning a thalidomide person from a relationship, in my opinion. WE did it to them.. so WE should take responsibility for OUR actions.

In the meantime, I know in my heart of hearts there is no way my son would have chosen this for himself. He's a wonderful, kind, loving, intelligent, person who does a lot of good in the world.

That said, I accept him as a beloved member of my family.

I also accept and love his partner as a member of our family, just as I've accepted my daughters in law. The rest of our family has also dealt with it. Strangers with problems about it can eat my hat!

I met a deaf boy in the last Ward I was in that excitedly told me how he had been "healed" from his gayness by God. I wanted to shake him and say, "There's nothing wrong with you!" To me, it was sad... you don't "cure" gayness.

Anyway.. that's my soapbox proclamation.

I love my son and support him.

God and he will work it out when the time comes.

The rest of the world needs to stop casting stones until their OWN lives are free from "sin."

[Guest]

I have 3 sons, brought them all up the same, and one is gay.

With my son, I had no idea.. he is not effeminate.

But.. he most certainly is gay.

He told me when he was 16.

I supported him to the best of my ability because I love him.

Do I think this is "normal?"

Not at all.

However, I personally do NOT believe this is a choice.

Nobody in their right mind would choose such a difficult lifestyle.

I also refuse to condemn him to living the rest of his life alone.

I have a friend with a 2 young sons. One is 7 and one is 3.

The seven year old is obviously gay.

He loves dressing in princess clothes and playing with dolls.

He sneaks into his mother's make-up while his younger brother is playing with trucks.

Nobody taught him this.

There is no television in the home.

The parents are good parents.

There is nothing to influence this child in this direction.

It is NOT the choice of a 7 year old, and anyone who says that.. well, they're just wrong.

I believe that science will prove beyond a doubt that this is genetic, and possibly caused by damage to the DNA by hormones fed to our cattle and chickens or other environmental pollution. I believe I was exposed to something while pregnant that caused this, or perhaps it was a result of the nuclear testing done in the 50's when I was a girl, damaging the DNA of the eggs that were then in my child womb.

When this is proven, the Church will have a difficult decision to make.

Banning a gay person from a relationship is no better than banning a thalidomide person from a relationship, in my opinion. WE did it to them.. so WE should take responsibility for OUR actions.

In the meantime, I know in my heart of hearts there is no way my son would have chosen this for himself. He's a wonderful, kind, loving, intelligent, person who does a lot of good in the world.

That said, I accept him as a beloved member of my family.

I also accept and love his partner as a member of our family, just as I've accepted my daughters in law. The rest of our family has also dealt with it. Strangers with problems about it can eat my hat!

I met a deaf boy in the last Ward I was in that excitedly told me how he had been "healed" from his gayness by God. I wanted to shake him and say, "There's nothing wrong with you!" To me, it was sad... you don't "cure" gayness.

Anyway.. that's my soapbox proclamation.

I love my son and support him.

God and he will work it out when the time comes.

The rest of the world needs to stop casting stones until their OWN lives are free from "sin."

Having the pre-disposition for gay behavior is not a choice, correct. And no, it's not the hormones in chickens either. There were people with gay desires before they started injecting hormones to chickens, I can guarantee you that. The Church acknowledges that, by the way. The Church does acknowledge (if I can find it, I'd link it, but I can't right now) that you can have a pre-disposition for gay tendencies. What you do with those feelings/desires is the choice.

Engaging in sexual relations with one of the same sex is definitely a choice. Just like engaging in sex outside of marriage is a choice. And just like engaging in sex with your next-door neighbor instead of your sister is a choice... etc. etc. etc.

THAT choice is the one that could lead you to sin.

If your happiness requires sex, then yes you will have a big problem to overcome being gay, because according to the Law of Chastity, sex should only be engaged in within the bounds of marriage. And marriage is reserved for the opposite gender.

But, if your happiness doesn't require it, it's much easier.

And, you might say - but sex is required for happiness! Nope. It's not. My next-door neighbor is paraplegic. Trust me - he is just as happy living without sex as I am with it. And I'm not even counting all the Catholic priests I grew up with who chose a celibate life... and they're not even gay.

In any case, gay people are just as much children of God as anybody else... we love them too.

Edited May 24, 2011 by anatess

[Guest DeborahC]

I don't recall mentioning sex.

But since you did, I'm curious...

Have you asked your paraplegic neighbor if he is "happy living without sex?" That would be a pretty personal question to ask someone?

And what are your thoughts regarding sexually ambigous people.. those who are born with BOTH sets of genitalia or organs?

And by the way, I grew up in a very Catholic Portuguese family and a large percentage of the Catholic priests I grew up with WERE gay.. and were NOT celibate, despite the Church's insistence. In fact, the current priest in my home parish just lost his "partner" priest (literally) to AIDS, something commonly known amongst the congregation. So we had different experiences.

Edited May 24, 2011 by DeborahC

[BrioCyrain]

I happen to have a friend who has this kind of issue, but to be honest, he's a really awesome guy. Though I find it unacceptable in my own light, that doesn't mean the instant he told me he became "a stupid person". After a week or so I just shrugged it off and we have had awesome chats about pretty much everything, and quite surprised that we agree on alot of things. Though I am unsure of his eternal path in life, like our church said. It's in our best interest to still be friends and family, and leave those details to god himself.

[Avrham]

Recently my son, 18, told me that he was gay and that he no longer believes that the church is true. I don't know how to respond or what to say or how to deal with this situation. any suggestions or thoughts?

you must be a AWESOME mum if your son can tell you he is gay he must really love you alot , honestly if my son came and told me he was gay my old brain would say "disown him" then my new brain would show "compassion" for myself I would accept his view on life even if we are on opposite sides of the fence thats when true love prevails I suppose:)

cheers

[Avrham]

I have a friend with a 2 young sons. One is 7 and one is 3.

The seven year old is obviously gay.

He loves dressing in princess clothes and playing with dolls.

He sneaks into his mother's make-up while his younger brother is playing with trucks.

Nobody taught him this.

There is no television in the home.

The parents are good parents.

There is nothing to influence this child in this direction.

It is NOT the choice of a 7 year old, and anyone who says that.. well, they're just wrong.

."

what happens if the 7year old grows up to be a loving father and the 3year old chooses being Gay , I never really thought playing with toys or dress-ups contributed too one's sexual choice(being Gay) or tendancies later in life, my uncle(who is a christian) used too "toughen" up his boys by making sure that they only played with tonka trucks army toys and toy guns guess what one cousin became homeseuxual and the other Bi Sexual I guess he bought the wrong colour Tonka trucks and army toys:)

[Guest]

I don't recall mentioning sex.

You didn't. I did.

You mentioned choice, specifically having no choice. I'm saying that having gay desires is not where the choice lies. And that the Church recognizes that. The choice lies in engaging in sex with somebody of the same gender. And that's why I mentioned sex.

Make sense?

But since you did, I'm curious...

Have you asked your paraplegic neighbor if he is "happy living without sex?" That would be a pretty personal question to ask someone?

No, I didn't. And the question would be irrelevant. Because, the example given is of a person who does not engage in sexual activities but yet, is living a full life as happy as you and me.

And what are your thoughts regarding sexually ambigous people.. those who are born with BOTH sets of genitalia or organs?

Same as my thoughts on a regular boy and a regular girl... If I was a doctor or a biologist, I might take very high clinical interest in them, but since I have no interest in that field, then they're just like anybody else in this planet - unique individuals with their own lives to live.

I've heard Lady Gaga is like that... is she really?

And by the way, I grew up in a very Catholic Portuguese family and a large percentage of the Catholic priests I grew up with WERE gay.. and were NOT celibate, despite the Church's insistence. In fact, the current priest in my home parish just lost his "partner" priest (literally) to AIDS, something commonly known amongst the congregation. So we had different experiences.

I am sorry. You seem to have grown up in a struggling Catholic diocese. I assure you, this is not the norm in the Catholic Church. Yes, there are gay priests. As a matter of fact, if you are gay in the Catholic Church and has no intention of finding an opposite gender you can marry, then being a priest/nun is the best calling for you. Because the Sacrament of Matrimony and the Sacrament of Holy Orders are 2 separate and distinct paths - you may be endowed with one or the other, but not both, so if you don't think you can marry, then serving the Lord on a full-time mission is a great choice for you.

But, my point was not about gay priests. My example is about a good number of people who do not have gay desires who find happiness in celibacy - choosing to be priests/nuns - as an example that sex is not a requirement for happiness.

[beefche]

No, I didn't. And the question would be irrelevant. Because, the example given is of a person who does not engage in sexual activities but yet, is living a full life as happy as you and me.

I think Deborah's point is how do you actually know he is happy? Because he smiles? We don't know if someone is happy about their personal life unless they discuss it with us.

[Guest]

what happens if the 7year old grows up to be a loving father and the 3year old chooses being Gay , I never really thought playing with toys or dress-ups contributed too one's sexual choice(being Gay) or tendancies later in life, my uncle(who is a christian) used too "toughen" up his boys by making sure that they only played with tonka trucks army toys and toy guns guess what one cousin became homeseuxual and the other Bi Sexual I guess he bought the wrong colour Tonka trucks and army toys:)

In the Philippines, they have Miss Gay <name of town here> during Fiesta season. Yes, it's a beauty pageant, just like Miss America or something, except they're males. The Philippines is predominantly Catholic - about 80%. Catholics believe the same way as LDS on homosexuality. Anyway, some of these gay pageant contestants have wives and kids, some of them are single living celibate lives, and then some of them have gay partners.

[Jennarator]

Just talked to my sister last night. Her daughter told her she is gay. My husband nd I had that conversation a few days ago.

My thoughts are that yes, people are born with those tendancies. And like others have posted how they act or don't act upon them are a choice. Perhaps that could be their biggest challenge in this life.

Options include:

Giving in to those tempations.

Staying celibate.

Overcoming the temptation and becoming heterosexual. (This can be a life long stuggle and very difficult.)

I would think (and I could very well be wrong.) that the Lord would be ok with either of the last two choices.

Now, In my house I would love the child reguardless. They would be welcome in my home. I would have a very hard time seeing past this, I'm sure, but I thik in time I would see past it. If this child had a partner, I would insist they stay someplace else overnight (hotel?) when visiting. But welcome over to the house anyother time.

Edited May 24, 2011 by Jennarator

[Guest]

I think Deborah's point is how do you actually know he is happy? Because he smiles? We don't know if someone is happy about their personal life unless they discuss it with us.

He is my next-door neighbor. We're pretty good friends. He works as a motivational counselor at the University. He has helped me and my husband a few times with our problems. He's one of those people who sees the good in every situation - okay, here's a simple example. This one has stuck out in my mind all these years (we've been friends for over 12 years) - We had a football party at my house. I forgot the ice. I was stressing out because I can't get my husband to leave the football game to get ice... I was still cooking! My neighbor came up to me and said, "Don't worry about the ice. Finish preparing the food and then, if you still have energy, then we'll get the ice. Otherwise, we're fine without ice. We're enjoying the game too much, I'm sure nobody would go home and say, what a sucky party - there's no ice!". Anyway, I ended up just not worrying about the ice and everybody had fun even with just fridge-cooled soda... Ever since then, I have been more relaxed at my parties (I host a bunch of them - I love parties!)... I don't worry about every single thing to be perfectly planned anymore.

By the way - I have another friend who is like this - actually, he's not really a friend, he was my boss. I love these people. They're my constant inspiration.

Does he have problems? Of course. He got divorced - you won't believe the reason - he is a giant Beatles fan. His wife knew this, has been in his house, never had any problems with the Beatlemania... then they got married and she wanted John Lennon's face taken out of the wall over the bed. My neighbor said, No. His wife said, either John Lennon goes or I go. He said, I'm not going to make that choice. You can make that choice. She left. He was depressed for a long time but he doesn't regret standing up for John Lennon! I did try to tell him a wife is more important than John Lennon - he had a different way of looking at it, something about "she was wrong for making me choose...". Yeah, I was a little frustrated with that. No, I was a LOT frustrated with that... but, he's my friend. I'm there for him regardless if I thought he made a big mistake...

Anyway, the point of all this is - he is just like me - living life to the fullest - joy, sadness, mistakes, achievements, love, anger, the full spectrum.

Okay, yeah, enough of a thread hijack.

Edited May 24, 2011 by anatess

[bcguy]

I read this some time in the past and thought that was interesting. We were all one sex at one time, at the first stages "perhaps first to second week" and then hormones were introduces to turn the female fetus into a male fetus. Now, I cannot say for certain when in this stage or latter stages, but medical science has proved that the gay man and woman have with medical science "pet scan mri and so on" shown that there brains are wired backwards. What I am saying is, a gay mans brain is wired like a woman. And a gay woman's brain is wired like a mans. This may clearly not explain all cases of sexual orientation but, this is the case I suspect in most of the cases. Nothing can be done about it. It is genetically who they are.

You will find something interesting with gay men, they get along MUCH better with woman then strait men.

[Guest]

I read this some time in the past and thought that was interesting. We were all one sex at one time, at the first stages "perhaps first to second week" and then hormones were introduces to turn the female fetus into a male fetus. Now, I cannot say for certain when in this stage or latter stages, but medical science has proved that the gay man and woman have with medical science "pet scan mri and so on" shown that there brains are wired backwards. What I am saying is, a gay mans brain is wired like a woman. And a gay woman's brain is wired like a mans. This may clearly not explain all cases of sexual orientation but, this is the case I suspect in most of the cases. Nothing can be done about it. It is genetically who they are.

You will find something interesting with gay men, they get along MUCH better with woman then strait men.

Oh no... I don't think this is correct. Or maybe you're explaining it really wierd. But, a male fetus is determined by the XY chromosome pair of the semen - if the X chromosome gets passed you get a female baby, if the Y chromosome gets passed, then you get a male baby. The female egg, has, of course both XX chromosome pair - so yes, the gender is determined by the semen, not the egg. We are not one sex at one time - unless you are talking about when you're just an unfertilized egg. Once the semen fertilizes the egg, your physical genitalia is pretty much set.

But you're right - the predisposition for certain desires is a product of genetics and the environment. I don't know why I love seafood. I just do. I've loved seafood as long as I can remember... that kind of stuff.

[estradling75]

Oh no... I don't think this is correct.

It is correct... just incomplete.. The fetus has the XY and starts developing as female, then the XY kicks in with the hormones to do their job... Thus there are quiet a few places it can get messed up

[pam]

I think we need to get this back onto the subject that the OP is about. It's going off on a tangent that we've discussed numerous times before.