Is "stranger danger" a myth

[prisonchaplain]

Many here have access to listing of sex offenders in your neighborhoods. Visiting such a sight may bring "shock and awe." Whether you know or not, chances are we no longer let our kids run around the neighborhood unattended. We are much more reticent about sleepovers for our daughters, if there will be men in the house that night. Bottom-line: we're scared.

Yet, "stranger danger" seems to be largely a myth. Abuse/molestation tends to happen in the family home, or in that of a relative. Additionally, sex offender re-offense is far less than most believe. In a way this makes sense. If the original offense was against a family member or relative, then there will not likely be opportunities for repeating the act.

So, are we too careful? Also, do we tend to dismiss repentence and reform for offenders?

See: Busting myths about sex offenders - Coeur d'Alene Press: My Turn

[EarlJibbs]

Many here have access to listing of sex offenders in your neighborhoods. Visiting such a sight may bring "shock and awe." Whether you know or not, chances are we no longer let our kids run around the neighborhood unattended. We are much more reticent about sleepovers for our daughters, if there will be men in the house that night. Bottom-line: we're scared.

Yet, "stranger danger" seems to be largely a myth. Abuse/molestation tends to happen in the family home, or in that of a relative. Additionally, sex offender re-offense is far less than most believe. In a way this makes sense. If the original offense was against a family member or relative, then there will not likely be opportunities for repeating the act.

So, are we too careful? Also, do we tend to dismiss repentence and reform for offenders?

See: Busting myths about sex offenders - Coeur d'Alene Press: My Turn

I had a sex offender in my neighborhood, he was about 39 years old had a very nice family with a beautiful little girl. The man had served years in prison for that and drug abuse. My little girl was best friends with their daughter and my wife very good friends with the wife. I didnt know about his previous jail time, and I got along very well with him and we hung out often with their family. I heard at church about it, and found that that many people wouldnt allow their children to even walk in the hallway alone when he was around.

Instead of doing the same, I talked to him about it. Actually he appraoched me and said something like "Well Earl, you may already have heard, and if not I am going to tell you now anyway just to be fair. I lose a lot of friends when I tell them this, but I think you should know. Just know that I will not judge you or be angry if you decide not to be with our family or me after this.... When I 20 years old...." and he went into what happened. After his story, I told him that didnt change anything between us or his family and we continued to be friends. He told me that regardelss of still being friends that he would not offer, nor accept to be around my children alone (although his crime did not deal with a child). He was at the time seeking to be re-baptised and was making strides in the gospel and still is.

We often judge people harshly, and we often do so with protection of our family and loved ones in mind. Is it wrong to steer clear of those that have violated the law? Absolutely not. But it also is not up to us to judge a persons heart currently for past sins that may very well be forgiven. I felt ashamed (and I judged wrongly) of some of those that lived so called "Christianity" and completely shunned someone without knowing all of the facts. Although I cannot say I would not do the same if I didnt know exactly what happened, it still sadenned my heart.

So my opinion to your question is that we (myself included) do often dismiss those that have repented of sins that we ourselves have had no experience with. We do not understand how someone could commit crimes or sins that we are not tempted with. Although they also have right to the Atonement. I think there is a difference between being careful and judging. I think everyone should be careful, without judging.

Edited September 4, 2012 by EarlJibbs

[Bini]

I will do my utmost best to treat others as I wish to be treated. That said, I can be civil towards offenders and predators but will I leave my daughter in their hands? NO.

[skippy740]

I am not a woman... but I want to take a chance at their perspective for a second.

Knowing who your neighbors are can help with their peace of mind - particularly working single moms with children.

Women are more scared for their safety on a practically daily basis than men are.

Knowing your surroundings and your neighbors is one step towards feeling more secure and aware.

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

I'm really glad you brought this up because I think it is important. Not that we are too careful, but that we don't worry about the right things.

In The Gift of Fear by Gavin deBecker, he talks about this. He says (paraphrasing) that we drive without seatbelts, smoke etc, and yet we cancel our vacation because we are afraid of airline terrorists.

I think NO sleepovers is a good rule. Because it falls into the catagory of the molestor being someone you know. I can't get into details here, but something like this did happen to a friend of mine.

I don't have the book, Gift of Fear, handy, but I remember he talked about child kidnapping or molestation by strangers is really rare. As you said in your post, most molestation and also kidnapping is usually done by someone we know.

The good news is Gavin deBecker says we all have a instinct (we might call it the Holy Ghost) that can help us protect our children if we will just learn to listen to it. Too often we ignore those instincts/promptings and that is when bad things happen. He discusses this specifically in Protecting the Gift. (yes, I am a huge fan of Mr. deBecker, why do you ask? LOL!)

Finally...if the unthinkable happens to your child...please, therapy, therapy, therapy. Some people think children forget. They don't. I KNOW. I'm one of those children.

_________________________________

Leslie's Illusions - my blog about healing from child abuse

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

Women are more scared for their safety on a practically daily basis than men are.

Yep, tis true. And for good reason...

Did you know a woman is killed by an ex-boyfriend or ex-husband every 2-3 hours?

(yes, I got that factoid from Gavin de Becker, Gift of Fear, also.) :)

[Guest]

I love the Gavin de Becker book. We also do no sleepovers.

I recently saw something about teaching kids about "sneaky people" instead of strangers, since offenders are often people they know. I like that idea.

[Bini]

I wanted to add this thought.

Children rely on their parents to protect them. If I know that a certain individual battles with a behaviour that could potentially destroy my child's life, I'm going to place my child's welfare above "possibly hurting someone's feelings", and take precautions. I can teach my child to be friendly and treat others as they wish to be treated, perhaps even greeting this person at church when we see them but my child will not be playing at the offender's house without me or my husband present.

[Backroads]

I sincerely believe Stranger Danger is a myth and a dangerous one at that. While I'm not saying to stop using your good judgment and common sense, I find that much of Stranger Danger education discourages community ties, leaves people unable to communicate with strangers, and thus unable to get help when you actually need it. Think of all those missing children who reportedly hide from their rescuers because they're "strangers".

Specifically on sex offenders, they really don't bother me. A good chunk of those people are on that list for rather minor reasons. I also figure that many of them are one-time offenders. Also, why are they back on the street if the authoroities don't have reason to believe they won't be hiding behind bushes 24/7 looking to nab people?

[Backroads]

I wanted to add this thought.

Children rely on their parents to protect them. If I know that a certain individual battles with a behaviour that could potentially destroy my child's life, I'm going to place my child's welfare above "possibly hurting someone's feelings", and take precautions. I can teach my child to be friendly and treat others as they wish to be treated, perhaps even greeting this person at church when we see them but my child will not be playing at the offender's house without me or my husband present.

And I find this to be perfectly reasonable and great parenting.

But we also live in a world where many people, in order to protect their children, stereotype another group. Men seem to get the worst of it. I recall a recent story somewhere where a father was questioned by a cop for walking down the street with his daughter.

[prisonchaplain]

I think NO sleepovers is a good rule. Because it falls into the catagory of the molestor being someone you know. I can't get into details here, but something like this did happen to a friend of mine. ... Finally...if the unthinkable happens to your child...please, therapy, therapy, therapy. Some people think children forget. They don't. I KNOW. I'm one of those children.

_________________________________

Leslie's Illusions - my blog about healing from child abuse

I cannot fault you for the no-sleepover rule. If I had your experience (and boys do), I would likely feel the same. On the other hand, I hate that this crime, because it does raise such ugly fears and thoughts in us, prevents us from much of the healthy socializing that makes life joyful.

[prisonchaplain]

I recall a recent story somewhere where a father was questioned by a cop for walking down the street with his daughter.

I remember the day I was dressed as a "Father," (see my avatar), and was getting out of my car at the local middle school. It was election day, and I was there to vote. Nevertheless, one of the assistant principals approached me and said, "Sir, what is your business here?" The look was almost that of a law enforcement official. When I said, "Uh...I'm here to vote," he curtly directed me to the library...now giving me the "But I'm watching you!" glare.

[Anddenex]

Many here have access to listing of sex offenders in your neighborhoods. Visiting such a sight may bring "shock and awe." Whether you know or not, chances are we no longer let our kids run around the neighborhood unattended. We are much more reticent about sleepovers for our daughters, if there will be men in the house that night. Bottom-line: we're scared.

Yet, "stranger danger" seems to be largely a myth. Abuse/molestation tends to happen in the family home, or in that of a relative. Additionally, sex offender re-offense is far less than most believe. In a way this makes sense. If the original offense was against a family member or relative, then there will not likely be opportunities for repeating the act.

So, are we too careful? Also, do we tend to dismiss repentence and reform for offenders?

See: Busting myths about sex offenders - Coeur d'Alene Press: My Turn

I would suggest reading a book called, I believe it is called, "Protecting the Gift". This is written by a man who was molested when he was younger, but he himself, did not continue the cycle of abuse.

He talks about one time when he was on the a plane and he noticed a young lady being hit on by a man. His spidey sense tingled and when they departed from the plane he waited for a prime opportunity to speak with the young lady. He told the young lady that this man was a predator and that he was grooming her. He told her, if you don't believe me just tell the man "No", you will not be needing a ride and watch carefully his anger.

She told the man "No" and he immediately got irrate and started to belittle her.

Although, molestation does happen within families, relatives, we shouldn't allow ourselves the security among strangers either.

[Backroads]

But is it at all healthy to assume everyone is a predator?

[Bini]

But is it at all healthy to assume everyone is a predator?

No. Common sense and moderation in all things.

BUT if we're going to draw a line, one side being guarded and the other side being unguarded, I'm going to place my chips on the guarded side because it's not worth risking my child's welfare. To reiterate, I choose common sense and moderation, that meaning being assertive to the surroundings and taking precautions when a known threat is present.

[Jenamarie]

But is it at all healthy to assume everyone is a predator?

Have you read any of DeBeker's books? He really goes into depth about what are legitimate warning signs, and what is likely paranoia. There were other "warning signs" about the situation Anddex described that lead him to believe the guy was a threat.

His book is called "The Gift of Fear" because he proposes that, rather than letting our fears rule us, that we view them as a gift, and learn to listen to those warning bells that go off in our minds, and use those instincts as a *tool* to gauge how we respond to situations where we feel threatened or where things just feel "iffy".

[Backroads]

I never have read the books, but I've heard about them and sound wonderful. Anddenex just made it sound like we should fear strangers in general (sorry if I misinterpreted that).

[Wingnut]

I don't know that "stranger danger" is a myth necessarily, but I think it has taken too much focus off of better things that need education (I can't figure out how to word that properly...sorry for the poor sentence structure). Kids should be wary of strangers, but shouldn't be taught that all strangers are monsters who are out to get them. Instead, kids should be taught about secrets, touching, and personal safety, and yes -- trusting their gut, as Gavin de Becker teaches.

[Guest]

I believe in the art of Drizzt... prepare and control the environment and let your children roam free.

My kids do sleep-overs. Of course my children are taught ways to protect themselves and we have emergency protocols. They have an iPhone not because we spoil our children but because it can call 911 and can be tracked via GPS. We get to know the type of people we send our children to - usually they're family and if I can't trust my family then this world can just end because it's not worth living in. But usually, everybody wants to sleep over at my house because we got the cool pets...

Stranger Danger - okay. No problem with it. But, I don't teach my kids to avoid strangers. I teach my kids to be constantly aware - strangers and non-strangers alike.

And that's really one of the main advantage of Martial Arts training - children learn at a very young age not to panic even when it starts to hurt. When your brain is still working at high efficiency in the midst of danger, you have a lot better chance of finding a way out.

As far as judging others, I have the same answer... we don't judge but we remain aware. At all times.

[annewandering]

I see no valid reason for a child to be talking or being near a stranger alone or with friends. Why in the world would we accept that as ok?

About one out of every five women are raped or so they say. My feeling is that about 1 out of 2 females have been raped/molested in their lives. I have no idea what the male stats are but I suspect they are not nearly as low as we might think.

Ok if that is true then who is doing it? Is one person out of a thousand doing all the rapes/molesting? Or are there a lot more predators than we like to think.

It makes no sense to decide to not be 'rude' to people by hurting their feelings by protecting our kids around them. Around anyone.

It might not be pc but kids come first. Parents being careful arent going to hurt my feelings Why should it hurt any caring persons?

And no you dont have to terrify kids by teaching them to be safe and careful.

[Sharky]

So, are we too careful? Also, do we tend to dismiss repentence and reform for offenders?

In my area we have what the state has labled "Sexually Violent Offenders".

Sounds mighty scarey!

What does tha lable really mean? It simply means that the individual is at a high risk of commiting another crime, ANY crime, not necessarily a sexual offense.

Offenders get this lab;e based on their prior history.

Case in point:

A young man is convicted of a sexual offense. A rather "minor" offense in comparison to things such a rape, but all the same a felony.

After his release from prison he has a hard tme finding a job as required by his parole. Housing is at best difficult. He commits a misdemenor theft, is "violated" and placed back in prison. Some time later he is again released & again commits another theft. This continues until his origina;l sentance expires & the parole board no longer holds any jurisdiction.

Now, becuase he has a sexual offense & numerous crimes committed afterwards, he is given a lable to identify him as someone who is at high risk of commiting another crime ..... "Sexually Violent Offender".

With a lable like that, it makes it pretty hard to forgive this person or to give him another chance or to assume he has repented.

[Vort]

Women are more scared for their safety on a practically daily basis than men are.

But isn't this mostly just another manifestation of our cultural paranoia? I mean, seriously, are 21st-century American men in general really that scary?

[Guest]

It is scary to go out alone, especially at night. Not that all men are scary, but it is a fact that there are some bad ones out there. I don't think some men realize sometimes how vulnerable we can feel. Unfortunately, some of the wrong ones know that and take advantage of it.

[Anddenex]

My wife had an interesting experience this past year, one of those experiences which results in "you never know, but better safe than sorry."

She was feeding ducks with our children, when a car pulled up near our children. The moment the car pulled up my wife felt a distinct impression to place herself in front of our children and this car. This individual was on the phone with someone else, and when my wife made eye contact, she let him know, through eye contact, she had memorized his license plate and could recognize his face. She mentioned, he got really mad and then took off in his car.

Five minutes later, another car pulled up, and a distinct impression enticed her to put herself in between our children and this car. The moment she did this, the car peeled away.

Would anything have happened, we both don't know, however, when a distinct impression tells you to do something, you do it. Better to be safe than sorry, and this stands not only for strangers, but people you know quite well.

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

I never have read the books, but I've heard about them and sound wonderful. Anddenex just made it sound like we should fear strangers in general (sorry if I misinterpreted that).

Sometimes it is hard to explain things in a short post. :) Mr. deBecker gives examples of techniques "bad guys" use, like "forced teaming" and others, then he told the airline story to demonstrate how he knew the guy on the plane was bad news because he used "forced teaming" and other such techniques.

It is a very empowering book. I am ubber paranoid because of my history (I have PTSD) and his book was very helpful to calm and rassure me a bit.