Lame Jokes, the Sequel

[askandanswer]

On 2/14/2017 at 5:27 AM, Vort said:

 

 

[askandanswer]

What entered the world, after Adam's wife partook of the forbidden fruit?

Eve, ill

[Sunday21]

On 2017-01-09 at 0:04 PM, Vort said:

 

Edited March 6, 2017 by Sunday21

[askandanswer]

Dogs can't operate an MRI machine - but catscan

[Jamie123]

How did Isiah get his name?

One of his EYES was 'IGHER than the other!

How do you make a small room seem bigger?

Use thinner wallpaper.

How do you catch a rabbit?

Hide in the grass and make a noise like a carrot!

Edited April 30, 2017 by Jamie123

[Vort]

Limerick template:

There once was an <X> from <place B>
Who <satisfied predicate P>.
The <X> did <thing A>
<In a specified way>
<Resulting in circumstance C>.

[Guest]

There once was a Mormon named White
Whose car could go faster than light.
He started one May
In a Relative way
And did April's home teaching that night.

Edited May 1, 2017 by Guest

[askandanswer]

1 hour ago, Carborendum said:

There once was a Mormon named White
Whose car could go faster than light.
He started one May
In a Relative way
And did April's home teaching that night.

Seems to fit the template quite nicely!

[Vort]

What did the octogenarian pirate say?

"Ay, matey!"

[Jamie123]

While we're on the subject of Limericks:

 

There was an old man from Nantucket.

Who kept all his cash in a bucket.

His daughter named Nan

Ran away with a man

And as for the bucket, Nantucket!

 

Pa followed them all to Pawtucket.

(The man and the girl and the bucket.)

He said to the man:

"You're welcome to Nan!"

But as for the bucket, Pawtucket!

[Guest]

Roy Rogers once got a new pair of boots that he absolutely loved.  They were the finest pair of shoes he'd ever had and he pointed them out whenever he could without sounding too proud.

One day he didn't see them on the porch where he always left them.  As he looked all around he found them but they'd been mangled by some claws or teeth that were inhuman.  As he asked around town he found that there was a wildcat that was eating livestock and destroying property.  So he went-a-hunting for that wildcat.  He found it and shot it.

He thought it would make a nice trophy for his mantle.  So he took it to a taxidermist who asked him:

"Pardon me, Roy.  Is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?"

Edited May 3, 2017 by Guest

[Guest]

On 5/1/2017 at 2:30 PM, Vort said:

What did the octogenarian pirate say?

"Ay, matey!"

Here's a true story:

I was playing a game of Battleship with my brother.  We called out the usual coordinates A7, B5, D10, etc.  Not too far into the game I called out I-1.

Bro: What?

Me: I-1

Bro: How?

Me: What do you mean, "how"? I-1.

Bro: How?

Me: Huh?  I-1 hit or miss?

Bro: But...  Oh!

Me: What?

[Jamie123]

2 hours ago, Carborendum said:

Here's a true story:

I was playing a game of Battleship with my brother.  We called out the usual coordinates A7, B5, D10, etc.  Not too far into the game I called out I-1.

Bro: What?

Me: I-1

Bro: How?

Me: What do you mean, "how"? I-1.

Bro: How?

Me: Huh?  I-1 hit or miss?

Bro: But...  Oh!

Me: What?

Reminds me of an early Will Hay movie (which I forget the name of): Hay (in this movie) plays a self-styled mathematics professor who runs a very inferior distance-learning school. Opening scene goes something like this:

Will Hay (dictating to his secretary): If it takes ten men and six boys seven days to build a wall ten feet tall and 200 feet long, how long does it take 8 men and four boys to build a wall six feet tall and 100 feet long?

Secretary: So what's the answer?

Will Hay: Well work it out!

Secretary (contemptuously): You don't know, do you?

Will Hay: OK I'll work it out! (gets pen and paper) - if we call x the number of men..."

Secretary: ...and y the boys...

Will Hay: And why the boys? What do you mean? Because they're in the question, that's why the boys! (returns to the paper) If we call x the number of men and y the boys... (penny drops) ...and..er..yes, y the boys...

(Will Hay, though he always played a bumbling idiot in his movies, was actually a very clever guy. He was a Fellow of the Royal Astronomical Society.)

Edited May 3, 2017 by Jamie123

[Jamie123]

28 minutes ago, Armin said:

Don't know what you mean exactly. But "... it takes ten men and six boys seven days to build a wall ten feet tall and 200 feet long" might be interesting for evaluating the costs of the wall between Mexico and the US. POTUS 45 will certainly make you a member of his staff.

I couldn't find that exact clip, but here's another (with a similar Hayesque misunderstanding):

(Warning - it's not quite 100% politically correct!)

Edited May 3, 2017 by Jamie123

[NeuroTypical]

We know Dad jokes, yes?  Similar to puns, except there has to be offspring suffering pain or embarrassment.  Nickelodeon did a thing on them a few years ago. Examples:

Quote

Daughter: Why is music coming out of the printer?
Dad: It must be jamming again.

Dad: you ever notice when geese fly in a V there's always one side longer than the other?
Son: yeah, why is that?
Dad: because there's more geese on that side. 

 

Well, my daughters have banned me from the practice.  Except for a month or so ago, when they were in the mood to have feelings, and I told them I had the worlds's saddest dad joke.  It's too momentous to just keep it to the family, so here you go.  

This is not a joke that makes sense when you read it.  It works only you read it out loud, and not quickly.  Like it's a general conference talk.  Go find your family, tell them you have the saddest dad joke in the world to tell them, and then read it out loud. 

 

The world's saddest dad joke

There once was a family consisting of a dad, and his daughter.  Mom had died in child birth, it had always just been the two of them.  And they loved each other, and stood by each other, they were a team against the world, holding on to each other for dear life, bound together by their love, and the shared grief of the absence of the mom.  And for as long as the daughter could remember, dad always sang the same song to her:

I love you so much, oh can't you see?  You're the only girl for me!

When she was little, he sang it daily.  As she learned to walk, he sang it.  As they ran and played, he sang it.  And the girl knew dad loved her.  Right before she took her first shy and hesitant steps into school, he sang it to her and she felt bold.  When they had to move, and she found herself in a strange place having a hard time making good friends, the dad took her out for ice cream and they counseled together, and he sang the song to her. 

I love you so much, oh can't you see?  You're the only girl for me!

Then, as things go, the girl got older and more mature.  In her teens, she wanted her privacy and her space.  They continued to love each other, but the relationship changed as she grew more mature, more capable, older.  And the dad still sang the song, but he sang it quieter, to himself, as he'd watch her go with friends, start dating, be home less and less.  

Then she got her driver's license and got a summer job lined up.  She was going to graduate high school in a week.  She was almost never home.  The dad missed her.  The daughter was full of life and beauty and excitement to go out into the world.  But still, he would sing quietly to himself.

I love you so much, oh can't you see?  You're the only girl for me!

One night when she was 19, they had a bad fight. Hot words, exchanged in anger.  Over one of those things that seems so important at the time, and so dumb later, like whether the curfew should be 10, or 10:30, that sort of thing.  She stormed out, saying she was going to a friend's house, and slammed the door.  She drove off angrily.  The dad was angry too, but as he cooled off, he remembered the song, and how much he loved his daughter, and how she really was a good person.  He knew when she came home, he would have to apologize for some of the things he said.  

Later that night, he got the phone call.

It was the police.  There had been an accident.  He needed to come to the hospital.  She's ok, they said, just get here quickly.  Drive carefully, they said.

As he drove to the hospital, he was flooded by memories.  Their life together, how she would soon be out on her own, and of course, the song weaved through it all, the anthem of their lives. 

I love you so much, oh can't you see?  You're the only girl for me!

He parked and ran through the emergency doors.  The lady at the desk asked if he was the dad of the girl they brought in.  He felt the dread and fear rise in him.

They took him past the waiting area, into one of the empty ER areas - the stretcher wasn't there.  She was in surgery, they said.  He needed to wait here.  They brought him paperwork to fill out, asked about her medical history, drug allergies, a million questions.  And he answered through waves of anxiety.  An hour later, the ER doctor came and told him the news.  She was alive, but in critical condition.  And she'd need another surgery soon to relieve swelling in her brain.  He told the dad to follow him.

They went through hallways and into the ICU. He saw her there, covered in bandages, with tubes and wires all over.  He rushed to her side, and saw that her eyes were open, tears streaking down her angel face. 

She saw him, tried to sit up, tried to move.  He said no, stay still, I'm here.  It'll be ok.  He prayed he was telling the truth.  She lay back, and in a hoarse whisper, weak and full of pain, she said "Daddy, I'm dying!"

The dad gripped the cold metal railing so hard his knuckles turned white.  The song running through his head, memories of her running after butterflies in the back yard as a child.  

The dad opened his mouth and spoke.

"Hi, dying...   I'm dad."

------------------------------

When I finished telling this joke, one daughter screamed and locked herself in her room.  The other daughter turned bright red and looked like she was about to either cry or hit me.  They won't talk to me about it.  But I believe it holds the record as the world's saddest dad joke.

Edited May 3, 2017 by NeuroTypical

[eddified]

On 12/7/2016 at 1:46 PM, Carborendum said:

So, Ghandi walked barefoot or in sandals.  He got weaker due to his fasting.  And had bad breath due to the Indian cuisine.

He became known as :

The Super-calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.

(Yeah I know this is old.) I'm sorry if my comment has already been said, but the punch-line sounds better (more like the Marry Poppins fake-word) if said this way:

The Super-calloused fragile mystic vexed with halitosis.

[eddified]

What were the suicide bombing instructor's last words?

 

.

 

.

 

.

 

"Now I'm only going to show you this once!"

[Vort]

7 hours ago, Carborendum said:

Here's a true story:

I was playing a game of Battleship with my brother.  We called out the usual coordinates A7, B5, D10, etc.  Not too far into the game I called out I-1.

Bro: What?

Me: I-1

Bro: How?

Me: What do you mean, "how"? I-1.

Bro: How?

Me: Huh?  I-1 hit or miss?

Bro: But...  Oh!

Me: What?

"B-4"

"Before what?"

Happened a hundred times.

[Vort]

If you see and animal and you can't tell if it's a skunk or a cat, here's a good saying to help: "Black and white, stinks all right. Tabby colored, likes a fella."

[Vort]

Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

[Vort]

Nothing tears a family apart faster than a pack of wild dogs.

[Guest]

22 hours ago, eddified said:

(Yeah I know this is old.) I'm sorry if my comment has already been said, but the punch-line sounds better (more like the Marry Poppins fake-word) if said this way:

The Super-calloused fragile mystic vexed with halitosis.

For heaven's sake!  It's been over 20 years since I read that joke.  Whatever the exact words.

EDIT: I guess I got older without realizing it.  It's been over 30 years.  Sheesh!

Edited May 4, 2017 by Guest

[Guest]

58 minutes ago, Vort said:

Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

Actually, I believe it was a rolled up newspaper.

Edited May 4, 2017 by Guest

[zil]

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.  After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

[zil]

A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician go hunting.  The biologist shoots at a deer and misses five feet to the right.  The chemist takes a shot and misses five feet to the left.  The statistician yells, "We got him!"

Edited May 4, 2017 by zil