Somewhat frustrated with the culture of marrying super young.

[CynicalBlueJay]

Hi, all!  I just kind of need to vent a little bit, and possibly get some advice.  I've been home from my mission about two and a half years now, and I'm really starting to get tired of all the pressure to get married.  Don't get me wrong, I do want to be sealed in the temple eventually, but I feel like I don't want that to happen for a few more years.  Currently, I am 23 years old, and will be turning 24 in June.  I find myself not really agreeing with the whole "if you're not married by 25 you are a menace to society".  Honestly, I don't want to get married until I am at least 30 years old.  I just want to graduate and begin pursuing a career because I am passionate about it, not because I have to support a family.  Somewhere in that time, if I happen to meet someone that I really like, and decide I want to marry them(assuming they feel the same), I'll get married.  I really just don't like the culture of dating like crazy and marrying the first person you feel that you could stand being with the rest of your life.  To be honest, there just seems something wrong with that whole way of thinking.  On the other hand, I find it frustrating because I know people will say that "If that is how you feel, do it.", but because everyone else is getting married so young, I feel like by the time I feel like I am ready to pursue a marriage, It'll be completely hopeless for me.  Therefore, I am conflicted in my feelings.  Has anyone ever had a similar experience, or feelings about this whole thing?  Thanks!

[Guest]

2 hours ago, CynicalBlueJay said:

Hi, all!  I just kind of need to vent a little bit, and possibly get some advice.  I've been home from my mission about two and a half years now, and I'm really starting to get tired of all the pressure to get married.  Don't get me wrong, I do want to be sealed in the temple eventually, but I feel like I don't want that to happen for a few more years.  Currently, I am 23 years old, and will be turning 24 in June.  I find myself not really agreeing with the whole "if you're not married by 25 you are a menace to society".  Honestly, I don't want to get married until I am at least 30 years old.  I just want to graduate and begin pursuing a career because I am passionate about it, not because I have to support a family.  Somewhere in that time, if I happen to meet someone that I really like, and decide I want to marry them(assuming they feel the same), I'll get married.  I really just don't like the culture of dating like crazy and marrying the first person you feel that you could stand being with the rest of your life.  To be honest, there just seems something wrong with that whole way of thinking.  On the other hand, I find it frustrating because I know people will say that "If that is how you feel, do it.", but because everyone else is getting married so young, I feel like by the time I feel like I am ready to pursue a marriage, It'll be completely hopeless for me.  Therefore, I am conflicted in my feelings.  Has anyone ever had a similar experience, or feelings about this whole thing?  Thanks!

Whatever you choose, the consequences will be there.

[Just_A_Guy]

Sure; that's understandable.  Post-mission I planned on a career in academia and swore I wouldn't get into a serious dating relationship until after I had my Master's at least.  As it turned out I met Just_A_Girl my first semester back, it turned out to be right, and we married a year and a half later.  

Life is like that.  We all know dumb young couples who seemed more in love with being in love than committed to the real-life obligation of marriage.  That said, I think it's important not to get too dismissive of righteous people whose life course just went differently than the one we chart for ourselves.

If you're worried that all the "good ones" will be taken by the time you're ready to settle down--don't you plan on marrying someone whose approach to marriage age largely mirrors your own?  Therefore, for your individual standards and predilections, aren't the ones who would allow themselves to be prematurely "taken", by definition, not the "good ones"?

The line about "if you like it than you should put a ring on it" has some bearing here, methinks.

Edited February 13, 2017 by Just_A_Guy

[Guest MormonGator]

I totally agree with you, 100%. When I first joined the  church I was stunned about the pressure to marry so early and so, so young. It was foreign to me. Still is. While I'm glad that the church doesn't have a high divorce rate, marrying young does increase your chances to divorce. You also don't really know who you are at 22, so how can you know someone else? The other troubling issue? It's very rare to be the same person at 40 that you were at 22. If two people can't adapt to each other at that age, the marriage might be in trouble. 

None of this is an insult to people who marry young. It's just some observations that I've seen. 

[CynicalBlueJay]

1 minute ago, Just_A_Guy said:

Sure; that's understandable.  Post-mission I planned on a career in academia and swore I wouldn't get into a serious dating relationship until after I had my Master's at least.  As it turned out I met Just_A_Girl my first semester back, it turned out to be right, and we married a year and a half later.  

Life is like that.  We all know dumb young couples who seemed more in love with being in love than committed to the real-life obligation of marriage.  That said, I think it's important not to get too dismissive of righteous people whose life course just went differently than the one we chart for ourselves.

If you're worried that all the "good ones" will be taken by the time you're ready to settle down--don't you plan on marrying someone whose approach to marriage age largely mirrors your own?  Therefore, for your individual standards and predilections, aren't the ones who would allow themselves to be "taken", by definition, not the "good ones"?

The line about "if you like it than you should put a ring on it" has some bearing here, methinks.

Thank you for the great response!  I appreciate it!

Don't get me wrong, I definitely don't think down on people who do get married early.  I guess my frustrations lie mostly in the fact that I feel as if I will have backlash if I decide to tell my family and friends that I don't want to get married until I'm at least thirty.  Especially because my parents ask about my dating life constantly.

[CynicalBlueJay]

9 minutes ago, MormonGator said:

I totally agree with you, 100%. When I first joined the  church I was stunned about the pressure to marry so early and so, so young. It was foreign to me. Still is. While I'm glad that the church doesn't have a high divorce rate, marrying young does increase your chances to divorce. You also don't really know who you are at 22, so how can you know someone else? The other troubling issue? It's very rare to be the same person at 40 that you were at 22. If two people can't adapt to each other at that age, the marriage might be in trouble. 

None of this is an insult to people who marry young. It's just some observations that I've seen. 

Thank you for this reply!  I'm glad to see that I am not the only one that thinks this.  I should have added in my original post that I don't mean any disrespect to anyone who does marry so young.  I just feel like the pressure on me is so much, even though I definitely feel as if I won't be ready until I'm at least thirty.

I also want to get married because I genuinely want to spend eternity with someone, rather than getting married just so I GET to spend eternity with someone.  I don't know.  Does that make any sense?

[Guest]

14 minutes ago, CynicalBlueJay said:

Don't get me wrong, I definitely don't think down on people who do get married early.  I guess my frustrations lie mostly in the fact that I feel as if I will have backlash if I decide to tell my family and friends that I don't want to get married until I'm at least thirty.  Especially because my parents ask about my dating life constantly.

Do you see much of a difference between you wanting your parents to ask vs. them wanting you to be more interested?

[Guest MormonGator]

5 minutes ago, CynicalBlueJay said:

Thank you for this reply!  I'm glad to see that I am not the only one that thinks this.  I should have added in my original post that I don't mean any disrespect to anyone who does marry so young.  I just feel like the pressure on me is so much, even though I definitely feel as if I won't be ready until I'm at least thirty.

I also want to get married because I genuinely want to spend eternity with someone, rather than getting married just so I GET to spend eternity with someone.  I don't know.  Does that make any sense?

Perfect sense. I didn't mean disrespect to anyone who marries young either. The nature of the internet though is to sometimes take offense or misread things. 

Whatever your thoughts are about marriage for eternity after you die, this life can be very long and sometimes very tough. If you get married too early you might be stuck with someone you clash with, and than can be a horrible way to live your life. Put your interests first before you get married. Take your time, don't worry about what anyone else says or thinks. In other words, this isn't 1850 where you had to get married by 20 because you died at 45. (Yes, it's hyperbole but my point stands)

 You are on the right track my friend. 

[CynicalBlueJay]

2 minutes ago, Carborendum said:

Do you see much of a difference between you wanting your parents to ask vs. them wanting you to be more interested?

I definitely do see a difference.  My parents, my mom especially, have a bad habit of being a little bit too controlling.  No shade on them, of course, they just want to see me be happy, and I understand that.  When she/they ask, it most definitely has a tone of urgency and "hurry up and get married already".  It does get a bit annoying from time to time, seeing as I am going on 24 years old.

[CynicalBlueJay]

10 minutes ago, MormonGator said:

Perfect sense. I didn't mean disrespect to anyone who marries young either. The nature of the internet though is to sometimes take offense or misread things. 

Whatever your thoughts are about marriage for eternity after you die, this life can be very long and sometimes very tough. If you get married too early you might be stuck with someone you clash with, and than can be a horrible way to live your life. Put your interests first before you get married. Take your time, don't worry about what anyone else says or thinks. In other words, this isn't 1850 where you had to get married by 20 because you died at 45. (Yes, it's hyperbole but my point stands)

 You are on the right track my friend. 

I agree.  My whole thing is that I only have one life to pursue my interests.  I want to pursue a career, first and foremost, because I am passionate about something.  This, plus the other factors that I have mentioned already, have brought me to the conclusion that I would like to just live my life to the gospel principles while pursuing my interests solely because I am passionate about them, and if I meet someone along the way that I genuinely want to spend eternity with, then great.

Edit: What I don't want to do is have it be like a checklist that I need to finish, and the next box that needs to be checked off is marriage.

Edited February 13, 2017 by CynicalBlueJay
one other thought

[Guest]

3 minutes ago, CynicalBlueJay said:

I definitely do see a difference.  My parents, my mom especially, have a bad habit of being a little bit too controlling.  No shade on them, of course, they just want to see me be happy, and I understand that.  When she/they ask, it most definitely has a tone of urgency and "hurry up and get married already".  It does get a bit annoying from time to time, seeing as I am going on 24 years old.

That's reasonable.

I'm not necessarily agreeing with your parents.  I have no idea what their motivations are.  I don't know what rationale they're using to determine their position.

There are reasons that church leaders try to counsel you to get married younger than older.  If you're unfamiliar with what those reasons are, then I'd recommend you at least read them before making a final decision on when is the appropriate age for you.  There is no silver bullet.  All sorts of arguments could be made either way.

In the end it is your decision.  But you may not be considering all the consequences of either decision.

[estradling75]

It is natural for people that love you and/or know you to want you to take the next major life step and encourage it in their own flawed ways.  It is also pretty normal if you are for what ever reason unwilling or unable to take that step to see that well meaning encouragement as pressure.

Three major ones that bring this about most commonly are... Going on Missions,  Getting Married, and Having Kids.  Just look through this forum you will find multiple threads on the subjects.  All three are backed by scriptural commands (Go ye therefore and teach all nations and be Fruitful and Multiply)  and all three have people tying themselves up in knots trying to find reason why they are special and don't need to.  You also have people desperately want to but for what ever reason can not.

Now sometime things take time... this is fine and can be very understandable.  However it is my experience that people do not find what they do not seek for.

It seems to be that you are in the mindset of "I am not going to seek for a wife until I am 30"  if so that is a very worldly position to take.  We capable of a lot more then we might expect... if we have Faith in the Lord and what he has planned.  How would you feel if you rejected the woman the Lord had planned for you because she appeared in your life at 22 and you rejected her because of your own fears and worldly desires?

Right now the correct mindset for you to be in... is preparing to get married... The marriage might not happen until your 30s but the mindset is important so that you are open to the Lord's plan even if you don't feel quite ready.

For example... I came home from my mission at 21... I knew marriage was the next step.  I figured it would take a while to find a woman crazy enough to consider me.  So I started doing everything else I felt was needed to be a good husband and father.  (Education, work experience, self improvement etc).

While I thought it would take awhile... the Lord had other plans.  I was married by age 22 (yes I was "to young" by the standards of this thread).  I am now married for 20 years and a have four kids.  Every marriage has hardships mine was/is no exception, but I know she was/is the right person to endure them with... and I would really be hating myself if I threw that all away because I did not think I was ready. (which is how I felt at the time and still feel from time to time now).

So remember you only have one life to do the will of God (which is the whole reason we are here) so don't let selfish personal interest override the main point of your existence here.

 

 

[CynicalBlueJay]

1 minute ago, Carborendum said:

That's reasonable.

I'm not necessarily agreeing with your parents.  I have no idea what their motivations are.  I don't know what rationale they're using to determine their position.

There are reasons that church leaders try to counsel you to get married younger than older.  If you're unfamiliar with what those reasons are, then I'd recommend you at least read them before making a final decision on when is the appropriate age for you.  There is no silver bullet.  All sorts of arguments could be made either way.

In the end it is your decision.  But you may not be considering all the consequences of either decision.

That's fair.  I am familiar with the reasons why church leaders teach that, I just feel I need more time.

[Vort]

My wife foolishly married at 20. I was wise and waited until 25.

[Guest MormonGator]

6 minutes ago, Vort said:

My wife foolishly married at 20. I was wise and waited until 25.

I greatly admire your wife. Anyone who can be in your presence for more than five minutes deserves a medal. 

(just playing!) 

Edited February 13, 2017 by MormonGator

[CynicalBlueJay]

28 minutes ago, estradling75 said:

It is natural for people that love you and/or know you to want you to take the next major life step and encourage it in their own flawed ways.  It is also pretty normal if you are for what ever reason unwilling or unable to take that step to see that well meaning encouragement as pressure.

Three major ones that bring this about most commonly are... Going on Missions,  Getting Married, and Having Kids.  Just look through this forum you will find multiple threads on the subjects.  All three are backed by scriptural commands (Go ye therefore and teach all nations and be Fruitful and Multiply)  and all three have people tying themselves up in knots trying to find reason why they are special and don't need to.  You also have people desperately want to but for what ever reason can not.

Now sometime things take time... this is fine and can be very understandable.  However it is my experience that people do not find what they do not seek for.

It seems to be that you are in the mindset of "I am not going to seek for a wife until I am 30"  if so that is a very worldly position to take.  We capable of a lot more then we might expect... if we have Faith in the Lord and what he has planned.  How would you feel if you rejected the woman the Lord had planned for you because she appeared in your life at 22 and you rejected her because of your own fears and worldly desires?

Right now the correct mindset for you to be in... is preparing to get married... The marriage might not happen until your 30s but the mindset is important so that you are open to the Lord's plan even if you don't feel quite ready.

For example... I came home from my mission at 21... I knew marriage was the next step.  I figured it would take a while to find a woman crazy enough to consider me.  So I started doing everything else I felt was needed to be a good husband and father.  (Education, work experience, self improvement etc).

While I thought it would take awhile... the Lord had other plans.  I was married by age 22 (yes I was "to young" by the standards of this thread).  I am now married for 20 years and a have four kids.  Every marriage has hardships mine was/is no exception, but I know she was/is the right person to endure them with... and I would really be hating myself if I threw that all away because I did not think I was ready. (which is how I felt at the time and still feel from time to time now).

So remember you only have one life to do the will of God (which is the whole reason we are here) so don't let selfish personal interest override the main point of your existence here.

 

 

I definitely understand where you're coming from.  I wouldn't say that my attitude is to not look for someone to marry until I'm thirty.  I would say that it is more an attitude of not wanting to actively search for someone to marry, until I feel I am ready to get married.  I wouldn't say that I'm not open to getting married in that time, I just don't want to go crazy dating trying my utmost to marry the first person that I can stand being around.

Edited February 13, 2017 by CynicalBlueJay
rephrase

[estradling75]

1 minute ago, CynicalBlueJay said:

I definitely understand where you're coming from.  I wouldn't say that my attitude is to not look for someone to marry until I'm thirty.  I would say that it is more an attitude of not wanting to actively search for someone to marry, until I feel I am ready to get married.  I wouldn't say that I'm not open to getting married in that time, I just don't want to go crazy dating, having getting married be my first priority.

And thus we see you twisting yourselves up in knots.. trying to say... I am going to do it my way but I am still ok.

Marriage is the next major step in your life.  Its the next major step of your eternal progression. (and if you consider that to be "check box" you have serious issues with the teachings of the church) If you are unwilling to make it a priority, then what is your priority?  and why?

I am not saying you ask the very next girl you see to marry you.  Because that is foolish, but you do need to be out there getting to know girls.

[anatess2]

44 minutes ago, CynicalBlueJay said:

I definitely do see a difference.  My parents, my mom especially, have a bad habit of being a little bit too controlling.  No shade on them, of course, they just want to see me be happy, and I understand that.  When she/they ask, it most definitely has a tone of urgency and "hurry up and get married already".  It does get a bit annoying from time to time, seeing as I am going on 24 years old.

My 2 cents:

Don't worry about it.  Don't even bother setting a "target" - I'm gonna start thinking about it at age 30.  No need.  Marriage is a ONCE IN A LIFETIME DEAL.  It doesn't matter if you're 13 or 30, if you're not ready, you're not ready.  There's no need to rush it because... gasp, I'm becoming a... uhm, I'm drawing a blank on the male word for spinster.

Anyway, you can't change what your mom does.  You can only change how you react to it.  So what if she pressures you every minute about getting married.  It won't make you ready any faster or any slower.  It is what it is.  I say, play with it!  "Yes mom, my eternal companion is right around the corner, don't worry.  She'll have 12 of your grandbabies".  There's no reason to be annoyed.

One thing I would just want you to know though... finding your eternal companion is like a woman being pregnant.  You can say, you're gonna do it this way, you're gonna do it when you've got this, you're gonna have all this money and all this education and all this life experience before you get on it... and then surprise!  All your best laid plans are up the creek without a paddle.  Life's biggest journeys are like that - it just doesn't always fall into your plans.  So, the plan is not as important as being prepared at any time in all places - and that means, living your life worthy of a wife even if she doesn't come along until you're 45... because, she just might surprise you and show up tomorrow.

 

 

Edited February 13, 2017 by anatess2

[CynicalBlueJay]

4 minutes ago, estradling75 said:

And thus we see you twisting yourselves up in knots.. trying to say... I am going to do it my way but I am still ok.

Marriage is the next major step in your life.  Its the next major step of your eternal progression. (and if you consider that to be "check box" you have serious issues with the teachings of the church) If you are unwilling to make it a priority, then what is your priority?  and why?

I am not saying you ask the very next girl you see to marry you.  Because that is foolish, but you do need to be out there getting to know girls.

I apologize.  I realized after writing that, that it was not a very good way of phrasing it.  Eternal marriage with someone I genuinely want to spend eternity with is most definitely my first priority.  What I meant to say in writing that(granted it was a horrible way of putting it), was that I don't want to get married for the sole purpose that it is the next step in my eternal progression.  When I get married, I want to be getting married because I've found someone that I have personally decided I want to spend eternity with.  I don't want to just get married to the first person that I can stand being around enough to say, "Ok, that's good enough.  Now I can check that off of my to do list." 

[estradling75]

2 minutes ago, CynicalBlueJay said:

I apologize.  I realized after writing that, that it was not a very good way of phrasing it.  Eternal marriage with someone I genuinely want to spend eternity with is most definitely my first priority.  What I meant to say in writing that(granted it was a horrible way of putting it), was that I don't want to get married for the sole purpose that it is the next step in my eternal progression.  When I get married, I want to be getting married because I've found someone that I have personally decided I want to spend eternity with.  I don't want to just get married to the first person that I can stand being around enough to say, "Ok, that's good enough.  Now I can check that off of my to do list." 

That is perfectly acceptable...

The question then becomes... what are you doing to find such a girl?

If you are looking... then it takes as long as it takes... and everyone else can go hang.  You can also do other things like school and what not, concurrently while looking.

If you are not looking... then you need to give yourself a kick in the pants and get going.

[my two cents]

4 hours ago, CynicalBlueJay said:

Hi, all!  I just kind of need to vent a little bit, and possibly get some advice.  I've been home from my mission about two and a half years now, and I'm really starting to get tired of all the pressure to get married.  Don't get me wrong, I do want to be sealed in the temple eventually, but I feel like I don't want that to happen for a few more years.  Currently, I am 23 years old, and will be turning 24 in June.  I find myself not really agreeing with the whole "if you're not married by 25 you are a menace to society".  Honestly, I don't want to get married until I am at least 30 years old.  I just want to graduate and begin pursuing a career because I am passionate about it, not because I have to support a family.  Somewhere in that time, if I happen to meet someone that I really like, and decide I want to marry them(assuming they feel the same), I'll get married.  I really just don't like the culture of dating like crazy and marrying the first person you feel that you could stand being with the rest of your life.  To be honest, there just seems something wrong with that whole way of thinking.  On the other hand, I find it frustrating because I know people will say that "If that is how you feel, do it.", but because everyone else is getting married so young, I feel like by the time I feel like I am ready to pursue a marriage, It'll be completely hopeless for me.  Therefore, I am conflicted in my feelings.  Has anyone ever had a similar experience, or feelings about this whole thing?  Thanks!

Re: pressure - you see what you look for.  You can choose to see it as interest instead. (And just be honest with your mom and ask her to chill.  Let her know that it really has the opposite effect and turns you off.)

Re: 30 - just realize that your friendships are going to change as their roles in life do.

My husband still works because he enjoys it - it's not about 'supporting a family'.  Again, you choose how to look at it.

I also didn't want to be one of those that married young.  I had plans...that went out the window because Mr. Right came along.  It was for the best though. Had I waited, I wouldn't be nearly as grateful for my current circumstances if I hadn't gone through the rough years while my husband was in school.  Contrast this with my sil who married my brother after he had everything in place.  Just something to keep in mind.

 

Edited February 13, 2017 by my two cents

[CynicalBlueJay]

8 minutes ago, estradling75 said:

That is perfectly acceptable...

The question then becomes... what are you doing to find such a girl?

If you are looking... then it takes as long as it takes... and everyone else can go hang.  You can also do other things like school and what not, concurrently while looking.

If you are not looking... then you need to give yourself a kick in the pants and get going.

Definitely a valid point.

[Vort]

1 hour ago, MormonGator said:

I greatly admire your wife. Anyone who can be in your presence for more than five minutes deserves a medal.

My motto: Marry 'em young and raise 'em yourself. That way you know the job is done right.

[Jsmith85]

8 minutes ago, Vort said:

My motto: Marry 'em young and raise 'em yourself. That way you know the job is done right.

well that works if you are male - females however are not supposed to be retraining men - it's not very submissive of us.

[Jane_Doe]

 I understand the some people's/places obsession over can be make-you-pull-your-hair-out frustrating.  I attended BYU-I back when the Keira Knightly "Pride and Prejudice" came out.  I stood in my parking lot one night and saw >10 different apartments playing this movie.  "Mr. Darcy!  Mr. Darcy!" drove me crazy!  People's obsession wasn't limited to the movie, but the entire concept of dating like it's the end of the world.  

I'm very anti-rushing a flower to bloom.  But on the same note, a flower should not suppressed to not bloom when it time.  I see that in a lot of other places to-- people shutting out the idea of finding love because "I'm just not ready yet" (psst-- no one is ready ever).  If the future Ms. BlueJay walked up to you yesterday, and today, would you tell her to go away until 365*6 tomorrow's because you don't have that certain job yet?  Or would you welcome her, get to know her, and when love blossomed say "I do"?   And then have her celebrate  with you when you did get the job?

Now the future Ms.BlueJay isn't going to wearing a sign saying that's who she is (cause she doesn't even know it).  She's not going to kick down your door and force you to marry her.  The only way you're going to find her is if YOU walk out that front door and keep your eyes open, maybe go on some dates.  Again- I'm not saying rush the flower to bloom, but to be open to the idea of love and keep your eyes open by walking out of your comfort zone and getting to know people.

For anyone who does wait until they're 30 to marry, there are a couple of things to that happen.  You're not going to carry your bride across the threshold of your house, sit her on the couch, and hang out with her only it fits into your schedule (that's a dog, not a bride).  No, she's got her own house, her own life.  YOU're going to pack up all your junk, sell your house, leave your old life (whether literally or figuratively).  She's going to do the same.    Like a pair of undergrads you're both going to have to figure out where the dishes go, how to do laundry together, how to keep the house, scheduling, boundaries, etc.  And it'll be the biggest communication struggle of your life.  You're not going to be ready and neither is she.  (Note: all this is true regardless of any age).

The other thing to consider is do you want kids?  Let's hypothetically say you get married at 30, want two kids, and want her to have the safest delivery possible.  And hypothetically you get all that.  That means you get married at 30, pregnant at 31, baby born 32, 33 year of sleepless nights, pregnant again at 34, baby born 35.  Yes, a women can have a baby after age 35, but the risks to the baby and her are MUCH higher then.  

 Again- I'm not saying rush the flower to bloom, but to be open to the idea of love and keep your eyes open by walking out of your comfort zone and getting to know people.  Also be aware that we don't live in Neverland.