Separation


Bini
 Share

Recommended Posts

Due to certain things within my marriage, which I won't go into details, I have decided to ask my husband for a separation. As of now, I don't know what the end result will be, but I believe being separated is the healthiest option for our situation and family.

If divorce indeed becomes a reality, I am so scared of facing things on my own, as I've become dependent on my husband the last 5 years or so. We've been married 9.

I'm just needing some positive vibes.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

OH NO!  Bini, I am so sorry that you're going through this very challenging time.  I'm especiallly worried about you with your 2 little kiddos.

I know you don't really believe in God but I will pray for you that you may find a peaceful resolution to your marriage.  It's the only thing I know to do to hopefully help ease your pain.

You are special to us here and I, for one, am glad you came to us to unload some of that burden in your heart.

Big hugs and lots of love and kisses to you and your little ones.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am so sorry you have to go through this.  I do have some words of encouragement, however, coming from my own personal experience as a child of divorce.

Regarding being dependent on your husband, you may be better off in case of divorce than you think.  When my parents divorced 17 years ago due to my father's problem with serial adultery suddenly coming to light, my mother had been a stay-at-home mother, with no skills, no college degree, no career to speak of, and three teenage sons.  My mother was horrified, depressed, and scared to death!  At first, my mother supported the family through a mix of child-support checks (Texas is a little stingy in this regard, probably moreso than Utah, and does not provide alimony) and a minimum wage job.  We were not able to go to the Melting Pot every week or anything like that, but this combination of income let us keep our house and a decent standard of living.  Over time, my mother started to adjust, and minimum wage jobs slowly turned into better jobs with the local school district, ones that provided a pension for retirement, easier work, and better hours.  (She never did go back to school like we all wanted her to, but she seems to have done OK without taking this step).  This coincided with child support ending as me and my brothers turned 18.  Today, my mother is fully financially independent, owns the same house she once worried so much about losing, and is set to retire in a few years with a good pension and good SS benefits and possibly go on a mission.  Without going into details, she is way better off than my father at this point, in just about every way!  Take home lesson from all this: you may be forced to adjust some things financially, but you will adjust and it will be OK.

As far as emotional dependence goes, give it some time.  My mother was very depressed her first year after the divorce, as in staying in bed all day and crying depressed (and shocked by the sudden revelation of my father's bad behavior).  After about a year, though, she decided she had mourned enough and was done.  Today, it is hilarious to listen to my mother talk, joke about, and laugh about "that unfortunate divorce"!  (If you can joke about something like a divorce, you are truly healed from it).  Basically, it took some time, but my mother is doing just fine.

I am sorry you have to go through separation and possibly divorce.  However, if my mother is any indication, you will survive and adjust, if worst comes to worst, and grow in ways you may not think possible right now.  And you will, sooner or later, get to a much better place.  Take it one day at a time, and believe that in 5 or 10 years, you will be in a different - and likely much better- place.

Edited by DoctorLemon
Link to comment
Share on other sites

It sucks what you are going through; however I would suggest that unless it is adultery or abuse don't even think about divorce. And if it is one of those two-tread very, very carefully. My prayers are with you.

The below are general comments specific to the general topic area of divorce.  

----

I severely disagree with DoctorLemon; the facts simply do not show this.  In fact, the facts and statistics show exactly the opposite. Single mother-hood and divorced motherhood is quite frankly a blight on this land and as a people and a culture it is a great evil that we exalt single-motherhood and divorced motherhood to this mythical martyrdom/heroism.

http://www.children-and-divorce.com/children-divorce-statistics.html

http://www.photius.com/feminocracy/facts_on_fatherless_kids.html

https://singlemotherguide.com/single-mother-statistics/

The idea that "I was raised in a single/divorced household with my mom and look everything turned out great!" needs to be shot down. The statistics bare it out, the Word of God bares it out, modern Prophets and Scriptures bare it out.  The nuclear family is absolutely, no ifs and or buts the best way to raise well adjusted, hard-working, emotionally stable children.  Husband and Wife are absolutely critical in the raising of children.  

Amazingly enough, the most important relationship in the raising of children is the husband and wife relationship. If husband and wife put more time into being father/mother vs. husband/wife, then they will eventually end up losing both, i.e. they will lose their relationship with their spouse and they will screw up the raising of their children. We have an epidemic in this country of the nuclear family getting blown up and we see that children today are less respectful, less resourceful, less independent, have more emotional and mental problems today than at any point in the last 200+ years. 70% of divorces are initiated by women.  

Sorry, but no women can't do it all, just like men can't do it all; it takes both male and female to come together to form a family and then to in their role as husband/wife create children and become father/mothers and to raise the next generation.

Sometimes divorce is necessary-but I guarantee no were near the level of necessity that it is in today's culture. If it is abuse, that's a problem that very well may need some sort of resolution; if it's adultery-then I'd suggest one take a real good honest look at the marriage prior to the actual adultery itself.  Because more likely than not the marriage was on life-support long beforehand and the actual adultery itself is just a symptom of a non-functioning marriage prior to the act. And to admit that a marriage is on life-support prior to adultery requires some deep introspection.  In otherwords, adultery becomes the excuse rather than looking at the root cause of the marital dysfunction.  In a good marriage, neither husband nor wife will do that to the other.

I would also suggest that the principles of the Gospel are the foundations of a happy, healthy marriage. The Atonement of Jesus Christ is crucial. Learning how to ask forgiveness, give forgiveness, have faith in the marriage, become united as one.  The Bible teaches us so many very wise principles upon which marriage is founded. 

I would suggest listening to the following:

http://podcast.rosemond.com/?name=2017-02-25_jr_021817.mp3

I would also suggest that children are entitled (one of the few times I will use the word entitled with children) to be raised in household consisting of both husband and wife-father and mother. I understand there are times when a child will be raised in a single parent home for a time (death/divorce), but even if that happens the child is entitled to be raised in a nuclear family-I think for a child to be raised for a significant period of time (i.e. 5+ years) without both husband/wife, mother/father is an absolute travesty and does more harm to society than we can possibly imagine. 

----

  

Edited by yjacket
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Dear Bini,

i am sooo sorry. I did the divorce thing...it was tough. Very hard but the toughest part is making the decision and after that point things get way easier. My sister and I are both divorced. Both of us found that life was so much better after divorce than before. One of the reasons, I think, that divorced people suddenly renovate themselves after divorce is that they have the energy and freedom to do so. I don't know what your situation is and I totally respect that you want to keep it private so my experiences may not be yours but, both my sister and I found life so much easier when we were no longer tied to disturbed spouses. It is exhausting living with a crazy person! Also, living with a fruit loop is very hard on you physically. I went through about 4, 13 week support groups for abused spouses. I only did 2 full 13 week programs and part of two others because of scheduling problems. I learned a lot of amazing things but one thing was that you need to get out of an abusive relationship before you get too old. Abusive relationships are very damaging physically and you start to develop a lot of health problems. Once you get too old, few people are able to leave.

Anyway, congrats. It gets better from here. In a year, you will be amazed at the difference in yourself! Treat yourself! 

Hugs!

 

Edited by Sunday21
Link to comment
Share on other sites

8 hours ago, Just_A_Guy said:

Good vibes sent ...

Bigger and better vibes sent faster, with a lovely ribbon and bow. I'm very sorry to hear about this. All I can suggest is that you get lots and lots of advice from trusted and experienced friends, then take a long time to look deeply into yourself, and to think and feel long and hard about what you want, now, in 5 years, in 10 years, in 20 years, and longer.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 3/6/2017 at 9:26 AM, Bini said:

Due to certain things within my marriage, which I won't go into details, I have decided to ask my husband for a separation. As of now, I don't know what the end result will be, but I believe being separated is the healthiest option for our situation and family.

If divorce indeed becomes a reality, I am so scared of facing things on my own, as I've become dependent on my husband the last 5 years or so. We've been married 9.

I'm just needing some positive vibes.

Bini,

Sometimes, separation can be a doorway into a beautiful marriage if done the right way. The fear of facing things on your own is natural, separation from spouse is not a natural thing, hence the confusion and pain that goes alone with it. At this moment, don't rush to a decision, lots of people will tell you don't just stand there, do something, when in truth, the best option is to stand there and do nothing. 

There is hope, water it and it will grow. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks for the thoughts and positive vibes. I'm emotionally in limbo right now. There's so much to figure out, and yet, time ticks away. We have agreed to attend counseling and get some insight from a middle person. Not to get too detail, the situation is not abuse, but neglect that has caused a lot of hurt and resentment. We also agree that the best outcome -- whatever that is -- is for us to be a functional dad and functional mum for our kids. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 3 weeks later...
On 3/10/2017 at 4:08 PM, Bini said:

We also agree that the best outcome -- whatever that is -- is for us to be a functional dad and functional mum for our kids. 

I wish you all the best, but this statement does cause concern. The best outcome is for you and your husband to fix the problems and become husband and wife. The best outcome for your children is that they see that mom and dad have a more important relationship than being mom and dad; the relationship of husband and wife.

I guarantee if you go in focusing on whatever is best for the kids-you will lose your marriage (if not now in the future). A child-centered family/marriage is doomed to fail.

You obviously loved your husband before this happened or you wouldn't have gotten married and he loved you; you both entered into a commitment to each other.  Which came first-the marriage or the kids? Obviously the marriage, so set the marriage as priority #1 and then the best outcome of being functional parents will fall into place.

If the marriage fails, being a functional dad and mom will become sub-optimal.

I would also encourage you and your husband to read, ponder, study and pray about The Family Proclamation.https://www.lds.org/topics/family-proclamation?lang=eng&old=true

I know it is not en vogue these days with the 3rd wave of feminism, but the way that God has set up the family is 100% absolutely the best way. Don't ask me why, it's just something that I have observed. The scriptures provide plenty of guidance on how husbands should treat wives and wives should treat husbands. I can promise you, the more your family abides by, believes in, strives to be like the family model outlined in The Family Proclamation, and in the scriptures, the more peace, happiness, love you will feel in your home. The less it is like that, then the more likely you will feel neglect, strife, envy, anger, malice, etc.  God's way truly is the best way.

Best of luck to you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 months later...

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...
 Share