Divorce or Endure?

[Guest]

2 minutes ago, Bluebird said:

No absolutely not anyone specific. 

You can see my original post on others people's comments I think. Basically when we went in to get married I was overcome with a feeling that this was really really wrong. It scared me enough that I still worry about it and see the big issues in our marriage as evidence that I'm wrong for him- not what he needs and vice versa.  I worry that I didn't listen, went through with it anyways. I was having some feelings along these lines leading up to it. I don't want to say exactly what happened but he did something to violate my trust in a huge way. He's never done anything like that since.  Anyway, there isn't anyone else that I know of. I just think if this isn't right then hypothetically don't I hold responsibility for anyone else that might have been right? Also my patriarchal blessings said certain things would happen on the temple when I got married and they didn't happen. 

I don't know what you felt in the temple, and I don't think anyone has the right to comment on your promptings.  However, I do think you should carefully ask yourself, are you absolutely positive this was a feeling from the Spirit, and was not just your inner fear talking?  

I can't help but to feel that, if the marriage were hypothetically really, really wrong, the Lord would not have waited until 30 minutes before the ceremony to make His will known, when the thing was all but done.  You, and everyone around you, would have been warned very strongly well in advance.  This experience has not helped you to have a happy marriage or to live righteously.  From your description, it has been destructive and not constructive.  Generally, God is constructive and not destructive.  In the Bible, it says God does not give the spirit of fear.  This experience seems to have served no purpose but to give the spirit of fear in your life for a long, long time.  So, if I were you, I would question very hard if these feelings came from God.  I can't make this determination for you, but I am a little suspect based on what you have described.

By the way, there is no such thing as an irreparable mistake.  (OK, there is murder and denying the Holy Ghost, both of which you have not done.)  

I remember when I was a newlywed, my wife was flying on a business trip across Texas.  The night before she left, I thought I had a prompting from the Spirit that she would die in a plane crash the next day and I should give her a hug while I can.  I went and told her about this very real feeling, and we both got scared and hugged one another and cried.  Well, she got on the plane the next day, and she is still alive and well 12 years later.  Obviously, what I felt came from my fears and not the Spirit, despite the fact that it felt very real to me at the time.

In the end, I have no right to tell you what you did or did not feel.  However, this is something to think about.  

[Bluebird]

Thank you Eowyn. I needed that advice right there and BeccaKirstyn you both said what I needed to hear. I'm going to sign off and be done. I really needed to just be heard and express this. I'm going to pursue counseling for me and move forward with faith that it'll be ok. Thanks everyone- and Jane_Doe I really appreciate your perspective. I think this is something I need to learn more about. Obviously not all my answers will be found online- I'll keep pursuing answers through the Lord but I really do thank all of your thoughtful answers. 

[Guest]

It will be okay. It really will!  Trust the Lord. All the best to you.

[yjacket]

I have to say Eowyn and others have given some really awesome advice. I also agree a lot with DrLemon.

I can also say, that God moves in mysterious ways and if we are righteous and truly seeking Him, it is awesome to see how He will take a mistake we made and make it into something beautiful-and this IMO is the true power of the Atonement.  The Scriptures are replete with instances of men of God who made mistakes-disobeyed promptings from God, repented of their mistakes and then God used it to make something beautiful. The one that comes to mind is David and Bethsheba. Jesus the Christ, the Messiah, the Holy One came from that lineage. Satan tried to thwart the plans of God, but he couldn't and he can't.

I don't know if what you felt that day come from God or from Satan or from yourself-but what I do know is that regardless from whence it came, God can make your current situation with your husband beautiful.

[NeedleinA]

9 hours ago, Eowyn said:

There are a lot of quotes from the prophets saying that soul mates or the one "right" person is not something that exists, and that any two righteous people who want to can have a loving and happy marriage.

^^^^This.

Since having a soul mate doesn't exist, please realize you have not screwed up some plan where you were supposed to be with the other guy.

10 hours ago, Bluebird said:

if I knew God was ok with our marriage that I could maybe work harder, look at the eternal perspective more often.

If your husband is righteous, shows you and your children love, works hard to provide for you all, then please rest assured, Heavenly Father is more than "ok" with your marriage.
You are now free to let yourself go and "work harder" on your marriage.

Edited March 24, 2017 by NeedleinA

[NeedleinA]

dup

Edited March 24, 2017 by NeedleinA

[my two cents]

Although the op has 'signed off' - for others that read this thread down the road ---

Re: making a mistake by not listening to/following the prompting in the temple - God knows all things from the beginning and knew how this would go so stop doubting yourself and make the most of your marriage - what it can and should be.  All the best!

[beefche]

10 hours ago, Eowyn said:

No such thing.

 

I really, truly believe that Heavenly Father and Jesus are so much more merciful and understanding than we give them credit for. Even if we ignore a prompting or warning, that doesn't mean that it's too late for things to work out. Ever. I also really, truly believe is that Heavenly Father cares about the covenants we HAVE made, and what we ARE doing, not our mistakes of the past. If you think you need to repent for ignoring a prompting, do that. Then stop torturing yourself with unknowns, and pour that energy into serving and loving the good man you chose. Choose your love, then love your choice. That's what President Monson said, and I believe the second part is the very most important. Love him, serve him, pray for his heart to be changed, put his happiness above anyone else's opinion, give him your absolute loyalty. Don't stand for people talking your sweetheart down in your presence. Be his and make him yours. Love is action, not a magical occurrence. 

It's not magic, it's work. I think a lot of what we're taught in YW or wherever about our wedding day does a huge disservice to us by making us expect some mystical experience. What it is, is taking someone you trust and love enough by the hand and making promises, and then keeping them. And THEN, enjoying the blessings of keeping them. I kind of feel like you're doing what Pres. Uchtdorf talked about once and holding an umbrella up, keeping yourself from blessings pouring down on you from heaven. Go to the temple often and do some proxy sealings, and gosh, all of the ordinances; not just to remind yourself of the promises you made, but of the amazing blessings promised to you, including all the strength and ability you need to get though hard things.

Let go of your expectations, and ask Heavenly Father what His are. Ask what He wants for you, and for his son who you married and who He loves. Ask for your heart to be softened and changed toward your sweet companion. 

It's hard work, sister. I'm passionate about marriage and covenants and loyalty, but when the going gets tough I still sometimes get thoughts creeping in, wondering if I've made the right choices. The great thing is, that I'm the one in charge of my thoughts, and they only have as much power as I give them. When I start to focus on any little good thing I can find, and any way I can make his life easier, there's not so much room for the negative thoughts, and our relationship flourishes. 

THIS. A THOUSAND AND ONE TIMES THIS.

Marriage is hard. And I think all of us have doubts about our choice. At all points in a relationship. I had my doubts while dating, while engaged, on the way to the temple, and many, MANY times since the temple ceremony. But, as Eowyn said, God doesn't expect you to give up your marriage for doubts creeping in. He expects you to work at your relationship. And sometimes, you are the only one working (at least from your perspective). But, you don't give up. 

Choose today to change your thoughts about your husband. Make a conscious effort to think something positive about him every day. And increase that to 2 things/day, then 3 things/day, etc. Pray that your heart will change, that you will see him as the son of God he is. Read everything you can from past General Authorities about marriage (including the fantastic talk from Elder Oaks on divorce--that saved me from leaving my husband) and pray to begin to think of this marriage as one you want to stay in.

Good luck. Marriage is hard, it's work, but it's also very fulfilling. But sometimes, we have to work hard to see that fulfillment.

[anatess2]

And now is the perfect time for MolyAnn's words of wisdom.  When you're feeling down on the slumps, simply ask yourself... But do you have toilet paper?

 

 

[Vort]

Join the movement!

[Backroads]

On 3/23/2017 at 11:21 AM, Maureen said:

@Bluebird, has your husband been diagnosed with Aspergers? If not, might be a good place to start.

M.

 

I was thinking this upon reading the rest of the thread, despite the OP having  been deleted.

My dad is the most awkward man to grace the planet. Love my father dearly, but he's awkward. My social butterfly mom thought for years she had simply fallen in love with a total nerd, but then when helping a friend research Asperger's, she began to rethink my dad's behavior.

In his late 40s, the man was diagnosed with high functioning autism.

[Backroads]

Bluebird, what impressions do you have now when you pray? Do you still have a legitimate "get out" feeling that can't be explained away? Or, when you pray about this marriage, are you feeling there are possibilities?

[Bluebird]

I came back to reread some things and I was glad to see the new posts. I "signed off " because this is really uncomfortable for me-I have never discussed this with anyone and reading the supportive messages has been great. I was super hesitant to post this . I just really needed somebody to talk to the other night and I really have no one.  I expected some insensitive comments  but I just want to be clear that yes I do count my blessings.  I've given you all one little detail of my marriage and my feelings. And maybe I should just get up everyday and offer up some thanks for my toilet paper- or just for a man in my life - and sometimes I do. But while this may seem frivolous to all of you it isn't to me. Not to mention the guilt and confusion I've had in my heart.  I have been alone for 15 years raising 5 kids.  I don't know how many of you are married but for those that are I'm sure you could name several times when you've needed encouragement, support or needed to talk through something with your spouse- or just a moment to bond and feel close. I've never had one of those conversations or experiences. I'm not going into more details about our relationship. Obviously I'm not fantastic at explaining myself either and I'll take responsibility for that. I'd just ask that if anyone wants to spend their time reading through all of this and want to send me another "count your blessings " post that I have, I do and lucky for you, you can't empathize with me. If you have nothing productive and kind to say  - or feel this issue isn't as big of a problem as someone else's- maybe move on to a post where you can feel you've done some good in the world today. I'm well aware that I'm more blessed than a lot of other people. Doesn't mean my heart doesn't hurt sometimes too - I didn't realize this was a competition.

Backroads- thanks for your question.  When I fast and pray about other things answers seem to come. When I pray about this it's like my prayers can't leave my room.  I really try to pray to see him as Heavenly Father sees him and to love him and that helps  but as far as clarity on our overall situation I haven't gotten any answers.  Though I do feel that so much of what's been said here has been things I needed to hear.  But no peace. 

 

[my two cents]

@Bluebird - I sincerely apologize that my comments seemed offensive or insensitive.  Neither was the intention.  I really do hope you've gotten some feedback here that makes you glad you stopped by and opened up.

[Maureen]

@Bluebird, if you and your husband make the step to see if he does have Aspergers that may open doors where you meet other couples in your situation. A community of empathy and support.

M.

[estradling75]

Since Bluebird is still around I thought I would ad my two bits.

You felt the prompting of the spirit and you failed to heed it.  You are in large company of having made that particular sin, even including regarding whom to marry.  Hopefully you now see from that wisdom and experience that no matter how hard it might seem to be.. following the Lord is always the easier path...  burn that into you brain and follow it always and you just might learn the lesson the Lord was trying to teach you.

Now for your future...  Remember the Lord is all knowing... that includes knowing that you were not going to listen to him.  You and your marriage is not beyond his ability to make right. You just need to apply the lessons you have learned about trusting the Lord.

You have gotten some good advice here, but the best advice will be trusting the Lord, counseling with the Lord, and committing to following him no matter how hard it might appear, and no matter who you might inconvenience along the way.

[Guest]

As long as the spouse is a member of the Church and not wicked or abusive (the Church-accepted reasons for divorce), does "choosing wrong" even exist?  I'm not so sure... 

Edited March 25, 2017 by DoctorLemon

[Guest]

Spencer W. Kimball, Oneness in Marriage, 1977:

"Soul Mates" are fiction and an illusion; and while every young man and young woman will seek with all dilligence and prayerfulness to find a mate with whom life can be most compatible and beautiful, yet it is certain that almost any good man and any good woman can have happiness and a successful marriage if both are willing to pay the price."