my spouse is losing faith

[Redhead123]

My husband has expressed to me that he thinks the church is untrue. It goes all the way back to Joseph Smith and temple practices mirroring the Free Masons temple practices. He went on a mission, we are both endowed and we are sealed in the temple. We have been married a little over 2 years. I dont know what to do. I have been really bad about going to church. Our whole marriage has been him being the strong one. He always woke me up and pushed me to go to church and pay tithing, etc. I have faith and i know what I believe. I just struggle with actually going to church. I work all week & Sunday is usually my only day off and if i dong have it off I work while my ward meets. He doesn't want to make me question my faith, but when he talks about his doubts it makes me doubt and that feeling is awful. I know this is hurting him as much as its hurting me. He even cried when he told me (he NEVER cries). He was so worried I would leave him because of it, which I wont. I am just so worried for the future. I want our kids to be blessed as babies, i want to have a priesthood holder in my home, i want my children to get blessings when their vert sick, and most of all i want my children to see their dads testimony and how strong it makes him. I need advice....

[a mustard seed]

I am so sorry, sister! That must truly be an awful feeling to contend with and my heart goes out to you for you and your husband's struggles. What I might recommend is reading the scriptures together, particularly the Book of Mormon. That is where they say the true testimony lies, the keystone, because if it is indeed the word of God, then how could any of the other stuff that follows be untrue? How could the Book of Mormon be true but Joseph Smith not be a prophet of God? How could Joseph Smith be a prophet of God but then the ordinances and doctrines he restored to the Earth not be true? etc.

Read the scriptures. Get a study guide or use the student manuals or family home evening guide - they have fun activities and they teach principles using the scriptures - if it is easier. They have these online at lds.org and on the gospel library app. My favorite is the Institute Guide because it tells a bit more about the history, the culture, has maps, explains Jewish culture, etc. Read it together if it makes it easier, even when either of you try to find reasons not to. Just do it. Pray for the Spirit and sit together with small goals if you need. Like one chapter a night. That's what my family does. Maybe start out of order so you're not starting from Nephi(I find I know the story of Nephi very well because I have tried and given up on reading them several times in the past; I'm a bit farther now, but just saying, if it feels too familiar maybe start on a different book like 3 Nephi or Mosiah). Just read them. Ponder them, discuss them, try to find not only the meaning of the time that they were written by those prophets of old but also why this was written for our day. Have fun with them, have a good time! One of the things my siblings and I do is have a running joke. We have a reality tv show idea called "Hardened Hearts" and when we read about different people going against God's wishes or getting too prideful or sinful, we spout off little adverts. "This week on Hardened Hearts, King Noah takes over after his dad as king of the Nephites and turns the land of Lehi-Nephi into a frat house! Will they never learn? Bwah-Bwamp!" They can be fun and still reverent.

Read the accounts and histories of how the restoration came about. Read about Oliver Cowdrey and all the things he did, read about the early leaders and how they struggled, how Oliver came back and was rebaptized. Read about the three and eight witnesses and how none of them denied their witness. Think about what they saw, how all these men together experienced these glorious things, saw and spoke to angels, saw and touched the plates. When you put these two things together and think, "How could they go through all of that and just not give it up? How could they still have faith and still believe? Was this something possibly worth the struggle, worth the fight, worth that mighty faith?"

You will find it again, both of you, that testimony of this glorious work. Most of all, pray, pray, pray. If you can't get to church, then just pray and read all that you can. Fight for it. Remember what touched you in the first place. Remember how your life will be blessed through your dedication and faith. Heavenly Father loves you and He loves your husband. He knows you both and He wants you, He wants to be in your life. But He's not going to come crashing through your wall like Kool-Aid man. Satan was our brother and he knows you both as well. He and the 1/3 know us and look for these weaknesses. He thinks he's got your number, that he knows how to buy you. Strive for those things that you know will build your testimony, don't buy his cheap imatations. If you have questions, search. If you're still unsure about what you learn, pray. If your husband is so sorrowful about this loss of testimony in his life, then it sounds like a broken heart to me and Heavenly Father will answer.

I testify to you that this church and its organization is the will of God on this earth. I know that the plan of salvation leads to a bright and glorious future for me and my family. I know that the Book of Mormon is true, that the book holds answers, that if you go and ask questions and start reading it, the answers will find you. It has happened to me so many times, I've lost count. I know that Joseph Smith was a prophet of God and that he did everything for this church under the direction of the Lord. I know that the church is run today with the Lord at the helm and that our leaders are filled with His love for us. I know that we are His children and that He loves each of us as individuals and He is concerned for you and your husband and is ready and willing to help, if you but ask Him. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

Edited March 27, 2017 by a mustard seed

[Sunday21]

@Redhead123. I am so sorry! This is a difficult. Situation. 

[priesthoodpower]

Sorry (although well intention-ed) implies that things are going bad, satan wants you to think that all is lost and you have no hope, from a spiritual perspective everyone is on their own journey so embrace the different journeys you encounter in this lifetime. My wife left the Church 5 years ago and when members say sorry to me its like throwing salt to the wound and thats when my burdens (shame and guilt) started to be overwhelming, until one day I realized that Jesus did all the suffering for me and I needed to pass all my burdens on to him. When I did that, thats when the Atonement came alive to me and I felt it working in my life.

Forget about the "wrong" in any situation and let Jesus handle that, you just focus on moving forward and doing the best with what you been dealt but most of all be Happy that God gave us trials to make us stronger and when we fall short he gave us a savior. Its still hard for me and I continue to struggle but I find it very encouraging the more I get to know my brother Jesus.

We are here for your support and to cheer you on.

 

Edited March 27, 2017 by priesthoodpower

[my two cents]

So, @priesthoodpower - what would you have preferred to hear instead of sorry*?

* to me, this has always been a way to express compassion and hope that is how it's been interpreted by the receiver

[zil]

@Redhead123, this talk may be of help: https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2016/10/lest-thou-forget?lang=eng

[Redhead123]

Thank you, everyone. I really appreciate everything you have said. No one really knows what is going on. He doesn't want to tell anyone because he is unsure.. But I ended up telling my mom and dad because it was eating me up inside. Through talking with them, I found out my dad went through something very similar after he got off his mission. So that was very comforting. My dad assured me that everything will work out and that I just need to be there for him during this time and that is what I have been doing. So the here and now I feel a lot better, but when I peek into the future, it scares me. He says that he will do ANYTHING I want him to do. If I want him to go to church and give blessings, etc. He will. But I don't want him to do it that way. I want him to want to do those things. I don't want to be the reason he does things. I feel like if I do take that route, he will grow to resent me one day. So I'm not even taking that into consideration. He says he still wants to go to church, pray, etc. But he is unsure. So the fact that he is trying keeps me sane. 

 

[zil]

Doing the right thing, despite being unsure, but with the hope that we will become more sure in time, sounds like faith to me.

[Guest MormonGator]

37 minutes ago, Redhead123 said:

. He says he still wants to go to church, pray, etc. But he is unsure. So the fact that he is trying keeps me sane. 

 

I gotta say this-I can sense the love you have for him coming though your words. It's very sweet and inspiring. I'm praying for you guys, big time. 

[eddified]

Keep in mind that even if he loses faith, he's still your husband. So you can still choose to see the good in him. You can still be happy in your marriage. Recognize that this is your husband's faith crisis, not yours. While you can help him, you shouldn't have to worry about the end result -- just take comfort in knowing that Jesus knows your pains, and take comfort in knowing that your husband isn't leaving you -- you can still have a fulfilling and happy relationship with your husband. The people that I've known who have left the church because they disagreed with its truth claims have largely stayed good people. They still see good in the church and still agree with many of its values ("love they neighbor", "be a good father", "stay loyal to your spouse" etc.) Yes, it will be harder to take the children to church, since often the one who leaves the church decides that they won't attend anymore -- towing the kids to church all by yourself can be a difficult thing, but it could definitely be worse. 

Overall, please try to support your husband, and don't let his religious beliefs (or lack thereof) turn into a wedge that drives you apart. It sounds like he still loves you very much. "Count your blessings, name them one by one..."

Pray for strength, God knows your situation. I have a strong conviction that you can feel relief from this stress if you lay your burden on the Savior. 

[NeuroTypical]

17 hours ago, Redhead123 said:

He was so worried I would leave him because of it, which I wont. I am just so worried for the future. I want our kids to be blessed as babies, i want to have a priesthood holder in my home, i want my children to get blessings when their vert sick, and most of all i want my children to see their dads testimony and how strong it makes him. I need advice....

Oh my.  Well, you have a very important thing to think about.

What if you don't get what you want?  What if you don't have a priesthood holder in your home, and your kids don't get father's blessings and don't see dad's strong testimony because he doesn't have one?

What will you do then?  You have some options.
- Continue to love him and be the wife he needs and deserves.
- Divorce him and find someone who can give you what you want.
- Try to change him so he is what you want and can finally give the kids what you want him to give.

Here's a little known secret - choosing option three will make for a rocky, unhappy, unsatisfying marriage for both of you, and may result in option 2 happening eventually anyway. 

This isn't a time for nervous laughter at the over-the-top options.  This is a time to decide if you can pick option one, and if you can, throw your heart behind it, no matter what comes.  

[Guest MormonGator]

9 minutes ago, NeuroTypical said:

Oh my.  Well, you have a very important thing to think about.

What if you don't get what you want?  What if you don't have a priesthood holder in your home, and your kids don't get father's blessings and don't see dad's strong testimony because he doesn't have one?

What will you do then?  You have some options.
- Continue to love him and be the wife he needs and deserves.
- Divorce him and find someone who can give you what you want.
- Try to change him so he is what you want and can finally give the kids what you want him to give.

Here's a little known secret - choosing option three will make for a rocky, unhappy, unsatisfying marriage for both of you, and may result in option 2 happening eventually anyway. 

This isn't a time for nervous laughter at the over-the-top options.  This is a time to decide if you can pick option one, and if you can, throw your heart behind it, no matter what comes.  

I don't know my friend. Option two should be off the table period unless it's abuse or adultery. Divorce in this case would make a tough situation ten times worse 

 

[NeuroTypical]

I totally agree.  It's just that so many spouses choose option 3, then they end up with option 2 anyway.    That's the point I was trying to highlight.  

[Guest MormonGator]

5 minutes ago, NeuroTypical said:

I totally agree.  It's just that so many spouses choose option 3, then they end up with option 2 anyway.    That's the point I was trying to highlight.  

Very true. Sorry for missing it. 

Edited March 27, 2017 by MormonGator

[eddified]

As for priesthood blessings & ordinations, your home teachers can really step up and fill these roles. If the home teachers don't fulfill their responsibilities, then the bishop and his counselors will usually be more than happy to fill these roles.

[estradling75]

To go a slightly different direction.  Faith is an action word..  aka the scriptures are telling us "I'll show you my faith by my works"

You said you being having problems with getting to church and what not.  While your belief might be strong... perhaps your faith isn't as strong as you might think. 

You want to help your husband which is wonderful, but consider the best help you can do for him might be give yourself a big kick in the pants and start doing the things that you know your "Faith" asks of you.

Consider the idea that if your husband is willing to do anything for you... and you are saying by your actions that you don't want to do church stuff.  So he might at some level be trying to give you want you want.

Just some things to think about.

[Vort]

Your husband's decisions are his own, not yours. His faith crisis is his, not yours. His spiritual state is between him and God, and he himself must work that out.

But...married couples depend on each other. If he has been carrying all the weight of Church activity and attendance, that can wear on a guy. When he starts having questions, which every thoughtful person does, he will look to depend on his testimony (which may be weak or at least lacking), his own understanding (which is certainly deficient), his fellow Saints (who may or may not sense his needs and may or may not have any help for him), and -- perhaps as important as any of those, if not moreso -- his wife.

It sounds to me like when his time of trial came, you weren't there for him. Oh, you were there in body and in emotion, because you love him and wanted to support him. But you weren't there as a spiritual bulwark, because that was an aspect of your life that you simply hadn't developed. You were not "apostate" or "disbelieving"...more like lazy.

My point is not to criticize you. Indeed, we have all been where you are, at some point or other. None of us has been everything that s/he ought to have been. So I am not condemning you. Rather, I'm pointing out the lay of the land. If you had been more spiritually prepared and stronger, might you have helped him through this crisis? Yes, maybe. We don't know for sure. But it wouldn't have hurt.

So what do you do now?

Answer: There's no time like the present.

How important to you is "the Church" and "the gospel", anyway? Look deep inside yourself and answer that question. If, after some real introspection, you answer, "Very important!", then commit to becoming that active, believing, Church-going, calling-fulfilling Mormon that you see in others. The kind that the self-proclaimed LDS intelligentsia make fun of. The kind that ignores the jeers from those standing in the great and spacious building and instead focuses on doing his/her duty and helping others.

That's a process, sister. It won't come overnight. But as the weeks and months become years, it will certainly come. You won't be pretending to be Molly Mormon; you really will be her. Not perfect, still struggling with some things, but you will feel your testimony deepen and your confidence in God become stronger and stronger.

And maybe your husband will join you for the journey, and remember his experiences and his testimonies that are presently obscured. Or maybe he'll see your example and use it as inspiration to find his own path back. Or maybe he'll continue on his current course for a while, or for years. But even if that happens, you will become the person you want to be -- and when your husband starts looking for the way back, he'll have you to guide him.

Edited March 27, 2017 by Vort

[Guest]

I will say that what @Vort just said is a pretty good description of my wife and me.  We usually have very strong testimonies and we are highly active.  But there are always those days/weeks where we are just plain tired and burnt out on everything -- including spiritual things.  We've been highly blessed that we have never had a low at the same time.  

When I've been low, she's been there for me.  And vice-versa.  As a result, our overall pattern has been pretty steady.  That doesn't mean we don't have our struggles.  It just means that the "team" can get through it.

Edited March 27, 2017 by Guest

[priesthoodpower]

6 hours ago, Redhead123 said:

Thank you, everyone. I really appreciate everything you have said. No one really knows what is going on. He doesn't want to tell anyone because he is unsure.. But I ended up telling my mom and dad because it was eating me up inside. Through talking with them, I found out my dad went through something very similar after he got off his mission. So that was very comforting...

 

I have felt these exact same emotions and the first place that I found real true comfort was being around other people who went through the same thing I was going through because they understood. The second and greatest place I found comfort was when I learned how to use the atonement to lean on Jesus. He is the ultimate person that has gone through what we have gone through, no one went lower then Jesus and that is why he understands and can ease every ones burdens.  

 

11 hours ago, my two cents said:

So, @priesthoodpower - what would you have preferred to hear instead of sorry*?

* to me, this has always been a way to express compassion and hope that is how it's been interpreted by the receiver

I really dont know, this has been my own personal experience and im just putting it out there in case anyone can relate. I think when the feelings were fresh and I sat in church all by myself with my kids I kept saying to myself "she abandoned me!". Every time the sacrament hymns played I just wanted to cry and I felt so much sorrow, and then for a member to come and say "sorry" just reemphasized the sorrow. There is one member (a woman in her 60's) who was inactive for 20yrs at one point and when she found out my wife left the church she gave me the biggest smile and said everything is going to be ok, every time I see her she has the biggest smile with hope in her countenance. 

Edited March 28, 2017 by priesthoodpower

[Sunday21]

@priesthoodpower. So glad that you have someone there to emphasize! Hang in there.

[eddified]

3 hours ago, priesthoodpower said:

I have felt these exact same emotions and the first place that I found real true comfort was being around other people who went through the same thing I was going through because they understood. The second and greatest place I found comfort was when I learned how to use the atonement to lean on Jesus. He is the ultimate person that has gone through what we have gone through, no one went lower then Jesus and that is why he understands and can ease every ones burdens.  

 

I really dont know, this has been my own personal experience and im just putting it out there in case anyone can relate. I think when the feelings were fresh and I sat in church all by myself with my kids I kept saying to myself "she abandoned me!". Every time the sacrament hymns played I just wanted to cry and I felt so much sorrow, and then for a member to come and say "sorry" just reemphasized the sorrow. There is one member (a woman in her 60's) who was inactive for 20yrs at one point and when she found out my wife left the church she gave me the biggest smile and said everything is going to be ok, every time I see her she has the biggest smile with hope in her countenance. 

I really liked this comment. I think it really helps to know how people really feel in their trials, esp. the ones I haven't experienced. Thank you so much for being willing to bare your soul like this.

[Guest]

On 3/26/2017 at 7:30 PM, Redhead123 said:

My husband has expressed to me that he thinks the church is untrue. It goes all the way back to Joseph Smith and temple practices mirroring the Free Masons temple practices. He went on a mission, we are both endowed and we are sealed in the temple. We have been married a little over 2 years. I dont know what to do. I have been really bad about going to church. Our whole marriage has been him being the strong one. He always woke me up and pushed me to go to church and pay tithing, etc. I have faith and i know what I believe. I just struggle with actually going to church. I work all week & Sunday is usually my only day off and if i dong have it off I work while my ward meets. He doesn't want to make me question my faith, but when he talks about his doubts it makes me doubt and that feeling is awful. I know this is hurting him as much as its hurting me. He even cried when he told me (he NEVER cries). He was so worried I would leave him because of it, which I wont. I am just so worried for the future. I want our kids to be blessed as babies, i want to have a priesthood holder in my home, i want my children to get blessings when their vert sick, and most of all i want my children to see their dads testimony and how strong it makes him. I need advice....

Welcome to the forum!  I am so sorry you are going through this. 

It sounds a little like your husband is going through some "shaken faith syndrome".  I can't advise you other than to pray for your husband, counsel with your bishop, and lead by example, but I can tell you my own story.

A decade ago while I was still in college (and after my mission), I went though a bout of shaken faith syndrome.  I was strongly, strongly tempted to leave the Church and become a fundamentalist Baptist.  My wife was going through the same thing at the same time, only she was drawn towards atheism.  Imagine what would have happened if we had both left the Church - a fundamentalist Baptist married to an atheist!  

Anyhow, for about a year I questioned, and questioned, and questioned.  I was really, really worried about not going to heaven over my beliefs.  I prayed and prayed and prayed and asked Jesus to come into my heart and to forgive me for my sins and to save my soul, and acknowledged I was powerless to do these things by myself and, while I was unsure at that point whether the Nicene Creed was good doctrine or not, I believed in Jesus 100%.  

After several months of going through shaken faith syndrome, a book fell into my hands called "Will the Real Heretics Please Stand Up" by David Bercot.  I strongly believe, in retrospect, that the Spirit led me to this book.  It directly addressed many of my concerns, put my mind at ease, and started me out of my bout with shaken faith syndrome.  What is more, I spent hours on jefflindsay.com, reading all sorts of apologetics material and carefully pondering the gospel and what I felt about it.  I closely and prayerfully read the New Testament several times.  I also had some very honest discussions with my mother, a former Protestant herself, about what I was feeling.  One thing she said specifically stood out - that my attraction to fundamentalist Protestantism was based off of fear, not a feeling that fundamentalist Protestant ideas necessarily felt more correct, and I should have faith that Heavenly Father is a god of love, not a god of wrath.

Well, I came to the end of my faith crisis, as did my wife.  Looking back all those years ago, I think my faith crisis was necessary - it was a point where, for the first time, I truly made my Mormon beliefs my own.  I was no longer just "following the program" - instead, I took a close, critical look at my beliefs, and tested them one by one, and decided to accept them one by one after giving careful thought.  My testimony is far stronger now than it ever was before.  I am grateful for everyone who prayed for me during that time and just let me talk when needed.

So yes, faith crises happen to many, many people, and while some do leave the Church, many come out of it stronger than ever.  Be prayerful, have faith, and lead by example.  It is going to be OK!

Edited March 28, 2017 by DoctorLemon

[person0]

On 03/26/2017 at 8:30 PM, Redhead123 said:

My husband has expressed to me that he thinks the church is untrue. It goes all the way back to Joseph Smith and temple practices mirroring the Free Masons temple practices. He went on a mission, we are both endowed and we are sealed in the temple. We have been married a little over 2 years. I dont know what to do. I have been really bad about going to church. Our whole marriage has been him being the strong one. He always woke me up and pushed me to go to church and pay tithing, etc. I have faith and i know what I believe. I just struggle with actually going to church. I work all week & Sunday is usually my only day off and if i dong have it off I work while my ward meets. He doesn't want to make me question my faith, but when he talks about his doubts it makes me doubt and that feeling is awful. I know this is hurting him as much as its hurting me. He even cried when he told me (he NEVER cries). He was so worried I would leave him because of it, which I wont. I am just so worried for the future. I want our kids to be blessed as babies, i want to have a priesthood holder in my home, i want my children to get blessings when their vert sick, and most of all i want my children to see their dads testimony and how strong it makes him. I need advice....

I would say I probably have a similar 'crisis of faith' every couple of years or so.  Most recently it was due to a study about the most accurate way to pay tithing which led to research and historical knowledge I was not aware of previously.  Every persons situation is different so I pray the best for your spouse as he deals with this trial and for you as well.  I don't know the extent of his concerns but if it is related to free masonry and the endowment it could be helpful to encourage him to contemplate on the following, 'why does it matter?'.  Most of the time if this is done I usually come to a conclusion such as, 'If this came from that and XYZ . . . The church can't be true because of abc.'   From there I usually try to find a workable reason as to how that wouldn't affect the truthfulness of the gospel or of JS.  In regards to Mason's, if you assume God intended for us to adopt similar practices, would it not be logical to assume he would allow us to have as much responsibility as possible in the process?  (i.e. Brother of Jared and the 16 shiny stones :-)