What would be the right thing to do in this scenario?


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I've been friends with this one guy for almost 4 years now. He and I have been dating off and on for about 2 years, and we're both the same age. Last February, I took him to my school's winter formal, and when I dropped him off at his house, he told me how he felt about me, and I could tell he has a big crush. I didn't know how to respond though I am crushing on him big time, (have been since I've known him just about) but I had his mission in mind so I didn't really take action or tell him that I felt the same way. 

Between that night and now, he has gotten his mission call, and he's going on his mission in June, so about 2 to 3 months from now, and I wanna sit down with him and tell him my feelings and that I feel the same way, but I don't know if 2 to 3 months before his mission would be the right call. I don't wanna make any promises with him about dating in the future or anything, just tell him how I feel cause it's gonna bother me until I tell him.

What would be the right thing to do?

Edited by mt_mck7
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If you are concerned it will affect his decision making process, I would consider not telling him.  If you must tell him, perhaps wait until he has already been serving his mission for a few months, had some great experiences, and then tell him.  I would also recommend doing it in a passive nonchalant way.  Something along the lines of, "Hey, I really like you, I know you feel the same from what you said before, if I am still single when you get back we should go out again :)".  If you know he's dedicated and he's serving no matter what then you can immediately proceed to follow the steps I have previously outlined here:)

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27 minutes ago, mt_mck7 said:

I've been friends with this one guy for almost 4 years now. He and I have been dating off and on for about 2 years, and we're both the same age. Last February, I took him to my school's winter formal, and when I dropped him off at his house, he told me how he felt about me, and I could tell he has a big crush. I didn't know how to respond though I am crushing on him big time, (have been since I've known him just about) but I had his mission in mind so I didn't really take action or tell him that I felt the same way. 

Between that night and now, he has gotten his mission call, and he's going on his mission in June, so about 2 to 3 months from now, and I wanna sit down with him and tell him my feelings and that I feel the same way, but I don't know if 2 to 3 months before his mission would be the right call. I don't wanna make any promises with him about dating in the future or anything, just tell him how I feel cause it's gonna bother me until I tell him.

What would be the right thing to do?

When faced with these kinds of dilemma, I always ask the question...  Why would I do that?  What's my purpose?

So, ask yourself that question - why do you want to tell him you're "crushing" on him?  What's the purpose?

Now, whatever that purpose you come up with, put it right next to his goals at the moment.  His goal is clear - he is serving a mission.  Now, look at your purpose and see if it supports his goal or detracts from his goal.  Then decide what is best for HIM.

That's love - doing things that would bring someone closer to Christ - not farther away - even sacrificing what you want to accomplish it.

 

 

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Well, if he's had a big crush on you, and you want to tell him that you also have a crush on him...why not?  It's up to you.

If you tell him how you feel, you probably also want to tell him you want to see him go on a mission, and that you do not want to do ANYTHING that would prevent him from going on a mission.  From the sounds of how you described it above, that's how you feel in regards to him and his mission call, so I don't see any harm in telling him.  As he has received his mission call, I would stress on emphasizing that even if you have a crush on him, you want to ensure telling him that it is important that he goes on a mission and that you support that idea for him.

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The OP's account may not be enough to go on, but if gut reactions are being sought I wonder if "the moment" has already passed. The fellow poured out how he felt, and OP held back, in honor of his upcoming mission service.  If there was a time to tell him that the feelings of love are mutual it was the same night, in response.  "Yes! Me too!"  That did not happen.  Now he has that mission call, and is likely excited about his service.  Telling him you love him might end up being anti-climatic at this point.  He might smile, be happy, but also confused, and possibly disturbed.  After all, these feelings were not expressed in their natural setting, so why now, on the cusp of this separation?  This may be a bitter pill to swallow, but I would hold back at this point. 

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I wish I had told my girlfriend (now wife) how deep my feelings for her were before I left.  Not telling was part of what lead to her making some unwise decisions and although it turned out OK in the end it easily could have resulted in something really bad for both of us.  How many times in some movie have things gone south for a couple because they are not honest with each other about how they feel?  Better to both have a grip on the reality of the situation than have somebody walking around with a mistaken ides of how things are.  If you feel you have to manipulate him by withholding information to get him to do the right thing what does that say?

So I say tell him, but also make it clear that his willingness to serve a mission is one of the things that makes him attractive to you.  You might even want to say that if he ever uses you as an excuse to bail out or slack off it will make you reconsider your feelings for him if you are worried about that.  A girlfriend can be a great source of strength and support to a missionary if she plays her cards right.

See also the list of things I posted in this tread:

 

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When I was on a mission the missionaries who had girlfriends seemed to have an extra worry on their minds. I probably would not advise telling him your feelings at this point in time because it could become a distraction. If you do tell him then the keyword is "expectation". Let him know that you have a crush on him but you guys are not a couple and his mission is more important and you will date around and probably marry someone else while he is gone.

..nah, jk about the marriage part. lol

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The vast majority of those who do actually end up marrying their high school sweetheart after their mission were of a type that the relationship was very firmly established.

Kimball said to missionaries:

Quote

If you have a sweetheart that is dedicated to waiting for you, then lock her inside your heart.  If you don't, then lock up your heart for these two years.

If he hasn't even said how he feels about you, and you have the level of uncertainty that you do, then just don't sweat it for now.  You could very well find a wonderful RM that you absolutely fall head over heels for and who fulfills you spiritually as well as emotionally.  Then I'd drop the other guy like a bad transmission.

@mt_mck7,

You're a young attractive woman with a bright future ahead of you.  Why are you desperate for just one guy at your age?  You've got a lot going for you.  Play the field and determine what it is that you really want in a man.  Once you're clear on what you want, then you can go out and seriously start to look for him.  But for now, you do what's right for you, not for anyone else.

Edited by Guest
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23 hours ago, mt_mck7 said:

I've been friends with this one guy for almost 4 years now. He and I have been dating off and on for about 2 years, and we're both the same age. Last February, I took him to my school's winter formal, and when I dropped him off at his house, he told me how he felt about me, and I could tell he has a big crush. I didn't know how to respond though I am crushing on him big time, (have been since I've known him just about) but I had his mission in mind so I didn't really take action or tell him that I felt the same way. 

Between that night and now, he has gotten his mission call, and he's going on his mission in June, so about 2 to 3 months from now, and I wanna sit down with him and tell him my feelings and that I feel the same way, but I don't know if 2 to 3 months before his mission would be the right call. I don't wanna make any promises with him about dating in the future or anything, just tell him how I feel cause it's gonna bother me until I tell him.

What would be the right thing to do?

You have to do what you decide is right in this situation!  You have received some good advice.  You also seem to be quite thoughtful and have very good judgment, as you are deeply considering the consequences of telling him versus not telling him.  

I will tell you this - back when I was 19 and getting ready to go on a mission, I was not quite "emotionally stable" when I received my call.  I was scared to death, stressed out, and very uncertain about taking this huge step and this huge commitment.  Such emotional turmoil followed me through my time in the MTC (where I was extremely homesick) and did not abate until I actually had been out in the field for a month or so.  I don't know that I personally could have handled it at that point if a beautiful girl had told me she had fallen in love with me!  I think it would have been exceedingly painful for me personally to learn this, and then have to go out on a mission and keep my mind on the work when I would want to be home with this girl so badly.  I am not sure this is the case with everyone, but I don't think I could have handled a girlfriend while on my mission.  That said, I do know several people who did have girlfriends on their missions and it worked out well enough for them, but I don't think I would have been able to do it.  I could foresee similar emotional strains to someone whose boyfriend was serving a mission and who had virtually put their life on hold, waiting for him to get back.

Fortunately (I guess), when I was a teenager, the girls completely ignored me.  When I got my mission call, despite what I was warned from just about everyone, the girls still ignored me.  And, when I got home from my mission, the girls still ignored me.  (But eventually I did somehow eventually manage to get a first kiss, then get married.  I am still trying to figure out how I managed to talk my wife into that one.)

Edited by DoctorLemon
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1 minute ago, zil said:

Were you not aware of the hypnotism thread?  It was a cross-thread joke, nothing more.

I was joking!  As is the case with many of my jokes, it didn't come across very well. :) 

My mom always said the most important thing women look for in men is someone to make them laugh.  Perhaps that was my problem when I was younger...

Edited by DoctorLemon
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Just now, Vort said:

If there's anything worse than failing to pick up on a joke, it might be failing to pick up on someone not failing to pick up on a joke.

story of my life!

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I'm going to go against the majority here and side with LDM. Tell your friend that you were touched when he told you he liked you, and that you were too taken off-guard and embarrassed to tell him that you have liked him for a long time.

But after telling him that, I think it would be wise to tell him that you're very glad he's serving a mission, that's where he belongs, you support him in that, and you don't want to be any sort of distraction from that. So you're happy to see him until he leaves, but you think you both would be better off to keep things as "just friends" until after his mission is done. At that point, you'd love to date him seriously and explore other possibilities.

P.S. Even on the internet, my name is not Dear Abby or Ask Amy or any of those other awful Bad-Advice Columnists. But that doesn't mean my advice isn't bad...

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1 hour ago, DoctorLemon said:

I will tell you this - back when I was 19 and getting ready to go on a mission, I was not quite "emotionally stable" when I received my call.  I was scared to death, stressed out, and very uncertain about taking this huge step and this huge commitment.  Such emotional turmoil followed me through my time in the MTC (where I was extremely homesick) and did not abate until I actually had been out in the field for a month or so.  I don't know that I personally could have handled it at that point if a beautiful girl had told me she had fallen in love with me!  I think it would have been exceedingly painful for me personally to learn this, and then have to go out on a mission and keep my mind on the work when I would want to be home with this girl so badly.  I am not sure this is the case with everyone, but I don't think I could have handled a girlfriend while on my mission.  That said, I do know several people who did have girlfriends on their missions and it worked out well enough for them, but I don't think I would have been able to do it.  I could foresee similar emotional strains to someone whose boyfriend was serving a mission and who had virtually put their life on hold, waiting for him to get back.

I can tell you that not everyone feels this way. I was emotionally stable. I was scared, but not because of the time and spiritual commitments--I was only scared about talking to people and being rejected. But I was firmly committed to serving a mission honorably (and I did). I had a girlfriend which was going to wait. And she wrote me letters and sent gifts halfway around the world. It was great. Over time the letters started coming less and less frequently. Then, about 6 months before I got home, I noticed that she hadn't sent a letter in a long time so I sent a letter asking in a cheery way if she needed to send me a "dear John" letter. (Nickname for a letter in which the girlfriend tells the missionary that she is breaking it off, usually because she found someone else.) I was correct, she did. :) She sent me one. It made me a little sad, it may not have even ruined my day -- I don't recall that well. (We just drifted apart over time, it wasn't very painful at all to be honest.)

So yes it depends on the missionary. It may or may not be a good idea to tell him. If the person is like I was, it would be fine to tell him.

( @DoctorLemon this isn't to discount or minimize your experiences, I have my own problems as well. :) I'm just pointing out that it really depends on the missionary.)

Edited by eddified
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  • 2 weeks later...
On 4/12/2017 at 3:00 AM, person0 said:

If you are concerned it will affect his decision making process, I would consider not telling him.  If you must tell him, perhaps wait until he has already been serving his mission for a few months, had some great experiences, and then tell him.  I would also recommend doing it in a passive nonchalant way.  Something along the lines of, "Hey, I really like you, I know you feel the same from what you said before, if I am still single when you get back we should go out again :)".  If you know he's dedicated and he's serving no matter what then you can immediately proceed to follow the steps I have previously outlined here:)

 

This is a good advice, I remember my mom saying "If he's the one he'll be the one no matter what".

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On ‎4‎/‎12‎/‎2017 at 5:03 PM, Latter-Day Marriage said:

In most cases that's a reflection on the missionary more than the girlfriend.

The "that" in this case is missionaries with girl/boyfriends on their mind.  So, yes, it is a reflection on the missionary. A negative one? Is it "wrong" to think about people we care about when there is separation? Is it sin? Is it a character flaw? Or...is it normal, healthy, and even a sign of one having a particularly responsive heart? Thus, the OP's question--is it wise to let my boy/girlfriend know that s/he may be the one?  Should the LORD tarry, this question will likely continue to be wrestled with 50 years hence.

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2 hours ago, prisonchaplain said:

The "that" in this case is missionaries with girl/boyfriends on their mind.  So, yes, it is a reflection on the missionary. A negative one? Is it "wrong" to think about people we care about when there is separation? Is it sin? Is it a character flaw? Or...is it normal, healthy, and even a sign of one having a particularly responsive heart? Thus, the OP's question--is it wise to let my boy/girlfriend know that s/he may be the one?  Should the LORD tarry, this question will likely continue to be wrestled with 50 years hence.

If he is letting the fact that he has a girlfriend hamper his missionary service I would call it a lack of discipline on his part.  My girlfriend (future wife) was just one more reason to be the best I could be.  My mind was on the work, not her, other than when reading a letter from her in the evening after getting back for the day, or replying to a letter on p-day.

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I am sure that many missionaries leave girl/boyfriends behind. They know their intended is praying, and feel the wind of the Spirit in their sails.  I did a quick search at LDS.org, and found a BYU speech, in which the speaker suggested that 19-year olds leaving their girlfriends was a great sacrifice. Yet, he compared to an account of a 14-year old boy having to send a beloved pet away, for the animal's own good, and declared losing the animal was the greater sacrifice.  I can see that such would be true in two specific romantic situations. On the one hand, if the relationship is short, and the level of interest has been more on the exploratory end, than the missionary may figure, "If Heavenly Father intends it to be it will be, otherwise not."  On the other hand, if the couple have been dating since 16, and both have a deep and open commitment to each other--believing they will most likely marry, then there is a certainty that could give strength.

Back to the OP.  They are in the middle.  It's not a brand new relationship, but true feelings have not quite been revealed yet.  Should this person express her love on the cusp of the new missionary beginning his journey?  And, do we really want to blame his lack of discipline, if his mind wanders towards her during his evening studies, or even during an encounter with potential converts?  It is in these middle-ground relationships that my humble opinion would be to let the missionary depart unhindered, and let Heavenly Father either sustain the relationship or bring revelations and circumstances about that will reveal it was never meant to be more than a youthful relationship enroute to finding the permanent one upon which a family will be built.

Edited by prisonchaplain
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