Crisis of Faith - Dear John Letters


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I know this is going to sound super silly, and to be honest I feel silly just writing it. But the more I try and brush it off, the more I keep getting really bothered by it. And that thing that I'm bothered by is the Mormon cultural acceptance of "Dear John" letters among missionaries.

Now I'm a convert, so I sadly never got a chance to serve a mission. But I had a similar experience in that I was suddenly dumped by my girlfriend (a committed Mormon with a flawless testimony) while serving far away in the military only a week before I was coming to see her, so she could be with another guy in her singles ward. I remember how absolutely destroyed I was. It still hurts just to think about it. And I was a member of  YSA ward when I lived in an area that had one, so I did have experience with seeing the fallout of these letters.

I remember one time there was a couple who seemed to be madly in love. Then the Brother went on a mission, during his going away talk announcing that he had proposed to his girlfriend and that as hard as his mission would be, he looked forward to having her to come back to. Two weeks later in sacrament meeting she was getting pretty cozy with another guy in front of everyone. I asked her how her fiancé was doing, and her response indicated that she clearly hadn't told him. Everyone in the ward talked about it as if it was this cute little gossip.

A month later this new couple was engaged. I wrote the Elder a letter a few weeks later asking how he was holding up. It wasn't good. Apparently he was on the verge of being sent home because he was barely able to hold it together. Twice he burst into tears in the middle of a lesson, wasn't getting along with his companion (who encouraged him to just get over it), and he hadn't been able to sleep or eat in awhile.  As everyone was celebrating and congratulating the new couple, all I could think about was this Elder, off dedicating his whole life to Heavenly Father, now on the receiving end of horrible cruelty by not only one of his best friends, but the woman who only weeks earlier pledged to spend eternity with him. Even though I never said anything to the couple, I declined the invitation to their wedding and left the room whenever people were congratulating them, as seeing what they did to a fellow Mormon Brother was just something I couldn't celebrate.

I just don't get why this behavior is not only acceptable, but such a widespread thing among youth?

The more I read about this, the more that I see that this is practically common. Brothers and Sisters often cheating on their signifigant other who is off serving a mission, often with that person's friends or even family (can you imagine spending the rest of your life with your ex as your sister in law, knowing your own brother betrayed you?). Frequently, the missionary doesn't even find out until their former gf/bf is engaged. Why would you even send an engagement announcement? Seems like rubbing salt in the wound.

One of the interview questions for a temple recommend is regarding your honesty in your dealings with your fellow man. What is honest about promising to wait for someone, only to abandon that promise the second something better comes along? How is that Christlike? How is destroying someone else because their happiness stands in the way of ours, only to build our new lives on the ruin of their old one, not the exact opposite of everything Jesus taught us? Not the exact opposite of every virtue we try to cultivate in ourselves and the standard we strive to achieve by being a member?

Now I understand there is a difference between hating the sinner and the sin, but even when someone is sinning we gently and lovingly let them know that what they are doing is wrong. Even having one alcoholic drink is enough to lose your temple recommend over. But cheating on your missionary boyfriend/girlfriend, or seducing your missionary friend's boyfriend girlfriend, is apparently not only completely honest and Christlike behavior, but a cause for celebration among that person's peers and religious leaders?

It honestly just makes me sick and depressed thinking about it, and more than anything else makes me question this church.

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I agree with you there is a problem, and this behavior is not Christ-like.

I don't think the Dear John letters are the problem, though.  I think they are a symptom.

The real problem is getting too serious when you are too young.  This goes double when a mission is on the horizon.  Almost everyone would be much better off waiting until after a mission is over before getting into these types of relationships.  If people would just follow this guideline, we wouldn't have the type of heartache you describe.

(I understand talking about marriage at age 18 works for some people.  But let's face it - it is a mistake for the vast majority.)

Edited by DoctorLemon
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12 minutes ago, DoctorLemon said:

I agree with you there is a problem, and this behavior is not Christ-like.

I don't think the Dear John letters are the problem, though.  I think they are a symptom.

The real problem is getting too serious when you are too young.  This goes double when a mission is on the horizon.  Almost everyone would be much better off waiting until after a mission is over before getting into these types of relationships.  If people would just follow this guideline, we wouldn't have the type of heartache you describe.

(I understand talking about marriage at age 18 works for some people.  But let's face it - it is a mistake for the vast majority.)

 You know @DoctorLemon, I know I already said but re-reading your post I really think it was fantastic. 

These letters are a problem-it's hurtful to the men and women who get them. 

If you choose to go on a mission, shouldn't you be single beforehand so you can focus on the mission and not your boyfriend or girlfriend? 
 

Getting married at 18 might have worked-in 1905 when lifespans were much shorter. It's a different world now. 

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8 minutes ago, MormonGator said:

 You know @DoctorLemon, I know I already said but re-reading your post I really think it was fantastic. 

These letters are a problem-it's hurtful to the men and women who get them. 

If you choose to go on a mission, shouldn't you be single beforehand so you can focus on the mission and not your boyfriend or girlfriend? 
 

Getting married at 18 might have worked-in 1905 when lifespans were much shorter. It's a different world now. 

Another consideration - people change a lot between 18 and 22.  I went from being a long haired nu-metal fanboy punk to a respectable adult in those years.  If you get engaged to an 18 year old, that person may be completely different in just a few years.  (This is likely one reason why missions happen during this timeframe - people are very malleable at this age and it is a good time to sway them towards righteousness for the rest of their lives).  I would wait until a person has stabilized as an adult before making a commitment such as an engagement.  

Edited by DoctorLemon
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Maybe you shouldn't be in a relationship before you go on a mission. But if you already are, as far as I'm concerned you've made a commitment to them for the time they are away. And commitments aren't made for the times that they are easy. They are made for the times that they are hard. Otherwise you wouldn't need to make one.

Not being in a serious relationship that young may be an issue, but the bigger issue here is how you handle yourself once you are already there.  Although the case I spoke of involved a Missionary who was 23 and his GF was 24. And I got my version of a Dear John when I was 27 and she 25. 

 

And Folk Prophet, I agree that this is a young people problem. But why is this the only young people problem that we as a Mormon culture seem to look the other way on? Church leadership speaks on the evils of drinking, drugs, pre-martial sex, and pornography. All problems rampant among the world's youth. Why are those spoken out against, but this isn't? Why is breaking the law of chastity or drinking enough to lose your temple recommend, but cheating on your boyfriend to marry another man is cause to receive one?

Edited by Lostboy289
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DoctorLemon is absolutely right on this. 

Our current modern culture, for better or for worse, is generally not ready to commit to eternal marriage at these young ages. 

Yes, it's certainly a low blow to be cuddling up with another young man/woman after your significant other has left on the mission/military/journey to the center of the earth. 

But... is it also wise to be getting engaged before a mission? Is it wise to be getting all romantic and placing these expectations on others?

I have trouble saying Dear Johning is unacceptable. It's a relationship, it ended, and John wasn't physically present. Do we really want to require every young man/woman to wait for a missionary?

Yes, it's best to discourage the serious relationship early on than to get into that kind of mess.

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Yes, we should expect young people to honor their commitments. Just like we expect them to abstain from harmful substances, remain sexually pure, and even take on the huge responsibility of serving a mission. And that is the problem.

Up until very recently, people 18 and up were considered mature adults and held accountable for their actions towards others. They were expected to hold jobs, get married, raise children, follow the law, ect. Why is it suddenly different? And why is this the one area where we relax our standards for what is expected of them?

Edited by Lostboy289
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First of all if getting a Dear John during a person's mission causes a Crisis of Faith then that person's faith is sorely misplaced.

Now I don't know what culture everyone else has been exposed to during that mission age.   But I know that I was totally informed of the dangers of Dear Johns before  serving a mission.  I heard many stories of Dear Johns and how had different impacts to different people.  I also heard stories about those that waited and how only a few worked out (but yes some did)

This is the culture I was exposed to... and then I was considered an adult and left to make my own choices in how to handle dating, the matter no matter how foolish other might think they are.

As for being committed...  If you want commitment then get married...  Until then people are just dating and can break up for any reason... Including changing their mind about a long distance relationship.  After all we would much rather someone Dear John a hundred missionaries then terminate 1 marriage 

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1 hour ago, Lostboy289 said:

One of the interview questions for a temple recommend is regarding your honesty in your dealings with your fellow man. What is honest about promising to wait for someone, only to abandon that promise the second something better comes along? How is that Christlike? How is destroying someone else because their happiness stands in the way of ours, only to build our new lives on the ruin of their old one, not the exact opposite of everything Jesus taught us? Not the exact opposite of every virtue we try to cultivate in ourselves and the standard we strive to achieve by being a member?

I touched on this on my other post, but I'm sorry, this rubs me the wrong way. 

My brother had a scout camp girlfriend in his teenager years. They went to different schools during the off-season, but fairly dated for several years. He went on his mission, she got engaged to someone else. She cancelled that wedding two weeks before it was to happen and zipped back to my brother when he returned from his mission. They dated a month, broke up, and they're both happily married to other people (we all still keep in touch).

"I will wait for you" is generally a dumb promise to make. Yes, we all have our cute stories of that one couple we know, but I don't think the average couple should be getting engaged over two years of a mission. As has been said already in this thread, you're young, you're still figuring out who you are. 

My brother and his camp girlfriend made no such promise. Their relationship went how it went, and all ended well. It might be for the best they didn't wind up together (and not just because my sister-in-law is an interior decorator who is going to help me with my kitchen.)

I don't think forcing a relationship is "dealing honestly with your fellow men." Even if some young doe-eyed girl makes a promise to wait for her missionary and marry him upon his return and winds up falling for another worthy young man (please feel free to change gender and  extended departure scenario as needed). She found someone else and broke up with a guy. It happens, and I don't think the mission scenario makes it any different or special than any other break-up scenario. Painful, perhaps very painful, but I don't know if it's temple unworthy dishonesty. 

Yes, waiting for a missionary sounds terribly romantic and gushy. But it's not realistic in a non-arranged marriage society. 

I'm married, but I would have hated to have my temple worthiness tied to waiting for a missionary. If I committed myself fully to every promise of marriage just because it was nice at the time, I'd still be waiting on a kid that moved in 3rd grade. 

 

 

Quote

the woman who only weeks earlier pledged to spend eternity with him

She hasn't pledged to spend eternity with him until they are kneeling across the alter and the ceremony is complete. 

Edited by Backroads
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10 minutes ago, Backroads said:

My brother had a scout camp girlfriend in his teenager years. They went to different schools during the off-season, but fairly dated for several years. He went on his mission, she got engaged to someone else. She cancelled that wedding two weeks before it was to happen and zipped back to my brother when he returned from his mission. They dated a month, broke up, and they're both happily married to other people (we all still keep in touch).

"I will wait for you" is generally a dumb promise to make. Yes, we all have our cute stories of that one couple we know, but I don't think the average couple should be getting engaged over two years of a mission. As has been said already in this thread, you're young, you're still figuring out who you are. 

I don't think forcing a relationship is "dealing honestly with your fellow men." Even if some young doe-eyed girl makes a promise to wait for her missionary and marry him upon his return and winds up falling for another worthy young man (please feel free to change gender and  extended departure scenario as needed). She found someone else and broke up with a guy. Painful, perhaps very painful, but I don't know if it's temple unworthy dishonesty. 

Dumb promise to make or not it is a promise. Regardless of how rashly it was made, you should still be expected to honor a commitment once it is made. And in a church that expects near perfection of its members (YSA or otherwise) in other aspects of their life and in other commitments (especially when those commitments are hard and have to be "forced"), I don't know why expecting a grown adult to keep this one is "unrealistic".

Painful, very painful is indeed the right words to describe this. And causing that much pain in another human being so you can get something you desire is the very definition of being un-Christlike.

She hasn't pledged to spend eternity with him until they are kneeling across the alter and the ceremony is complete. 

She did pledge to wait for him on his mission though. You don't need to be married to someone to make a commitment to them.

If I were to say, promise to help you move, that is a commitment. And if I just suddenly didn't show up because something better came along in the mean time, I would be a pretty big jerk. Cheating on someone who you are engaged to is exponentially worse.

 

Quote

First of all if getting a Dear John during a person's mission causes a Crisis of Faith then that person's faith is sorely misplaced.

The crisis of faith was actually my own, seeing such rampant cruel behavior among members being excused.

Edited by Lostboy289
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Lostboy, I understand what you are saying. I was thinking of some cultural issues that drive me nuta as well. I was going to share them on solidarity,  but realized that would likely make you feel worse.  So instead of doing that...I'll just share how I come to terms with it.

I have to go back to basics. So do I believe in God and Christ? Yes. Okay then do I believe the Book of Mormon is true? Yes. Then Joseph Smith? Yes. And so forth

 At some point I decide the church is true, but the culture is full of flaws. I pray for strength to focus on truth. I hope you will find a way to do the same. Hang in there.  

 

Edited by LiterateParakeet
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3 minutes ago, Lostboy289 said:

The crisis of faith was actually my own, seeing such rampant cruel behavior among members being excused.

Then your faith is sorely misplaced...  Christ needs to be the focus...  Not the actions of flawed foolish mortals...

And if a large part of people say and think that waiting for a missionary is a poor choice and unlikely to work...  Then when we are proven right we are not going to go off in a fit of righteous indignation (which is want you appear to want).  The best we are going to do is "I told you so, maybe next time you will listen"

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Or maybe I just want someone to explain to me why a culture that sets standards for ourselves at near Christlike perfection, is so willing to let a major moral failing be not only excused, but embraced as part of the culture and even indirectly celebrated in the temple?

Edited by Lostboy289
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13 minutes ago, Lostboy289 said:

She did pledge to wait for him on his mission though. You don't need to be married to someone to make a commitment to them.

No. You said she pledged to spend eternity with him.

 

13 minutes ago, Lostboy289 said:

Dumb promise to make or not it is a promise. Regardless of how rashly it was made, you should still be expected to honor a commitment once it is made. And in a church that expects near perfection of its members (YSA or otherwise) in other aspects of their life and in other commitments (especially when those commitments are hard and have to be "forced"), I don't know why expecting a grown adult to keep this one is "unrealistic".

Are you seriously saying that no one can change their mind about an engagement? Are you seriously saying this? 

 

13 minutes ago, Lostboy289 said:

The crisis of faith was actually my own, seeing such rampant cruel behavior among members being excused.

I truly do think the Church culture should discourage serious talks of marriage prior to missions. 

But... what are people supposed to do after that? Forbid every person I know to change their minds concerning relationships?

Edited by Backroads
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3 minutes ago, Backroads said:

Are you seriously saying that no one can change their mind about an engagement? Are you seriously saying this? 

For the record, @Backroads changed her mind about our engagement. In public no less. Worst Utah Jazz game I've ever been too 

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4 minutes ago, Lostboy289 said:

Or maybe I just want someone to explain to me why a culture that sets standards for ourselves at near Christlike perfection, is so willing to let a major moral failing be not only excused, but embraced as part of the culture and even indirectly celebrated in the temple?

You mean... when two worthy persons fall in love and are sealed in the temple even if one or both had a missionary once upon a time?

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1 minute ago, Lostboy289 said:

Or maybe I just want someone to explain to me why a culture that sets standards for ourselves at near Christlike perfection, is so willing to let a major moral failing be not only excused, but embraced as part of the culture and even indirectly celebrated in the temple?

You have been told this...  Commitment is marriage... not dating.

If you make a foolish commitment while dating... once you realize you have made a foolish commitment  we expect you to get yourself out.  Not sacrifice your eternal marriage, your eternal happiness and that of your spouse, and of your children.  Just so you can say "I kept a commitment I should have never made."

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1 hour ago, Lostboy289 said:

I just don't get why this behavior is not only acceptable, but such a widespread thing among youth?

The behavior is acceptable because an engagement is a promise of intent, not a covenant. Marriage is a covenant. If a wife divorces her husband because he's deployed and she's tired of not having him home, that's immoral and unacceptable. But an engagement is not a marriage, and people are allowed to break their engagement at any time and for whatever reason they find compelling. It may be immature, it may be inconvenient, it may be inconsiderate. But it is not immoral.

As far as it being widespread, I haven't noticed it to be so. I did know a couple of elders in my mission who got Dear Johned, but in both cases they quickly got past it. In the end, they were happier, because they could devote themselves to the work without distraction.

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No. You said she pledged to spend eternity with him.

She also promised to wait for him during his mission. That was actually what led to their engagement. I apologize if I didn't state that.

 

Quote

Are you seriously saying that no one can change their mind about an engagement? Are you seriously saying this?

I'm saying that it is morally wrong to mess around behind your SO's back and only then end the engagement because you realize that you like someone else better and have them locked down.

 

Quote

But... what are people supposed to do after that? Forbid every person I know to change their minds concerning relationships

I expect people to honor promises that they made regardless of who it is or how rashly it may have been made. If you realize the feelings are gone, the time for that discussion should come after the missionary returns, after that commitment you made has been honored.

It may be immature, it may be inconvenient, it may be inconsiderate. But it is not immoral.

I thought any cruelty to any human being for any selfish reason is immoral?

Edited by Lostboy289
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9 minutes ago, Lostboy289 said:

If you realize the feelings are gone, the time for that discussion should come after the missionary returns, after that commitment you made has been honored.

I am in agreement with the rest of the post except for this part. I still don't think that's fair to either parties to have to wait so long. 

What real good does it do to have a missionary being engaged/pre-engaged (which is pretty much what waiting for a missionary is) for two years? 

Edited by Backroads
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I'm sorry, but I just can't say that complete callousness towards another human's feelings is ok simply because I haven't made a binding covenant with them. That because we aren't married, anything is "fair game". Cruelty towards another person simply because they stand in the way of our happiness is not ok regardless of who they are.  Especially when leaders of the church state (I'm paraphrasing) "Any temple worthy man and woman can create a celestial marriage". If I can't honor my 2 year promises to someone, how am I expected to honor my eternal covenants to a person when a marriage gets difficult? Seems like it should be my problem to work through and get over, and eventually find my own happiness in the situation I created for myself.

 

Also I think I should say that I am a convert, and growing up in a non-Mormon society, engagements are definitely treated a lot more heavily. Out there, once you've chosen to marry someone you have already decided to be committed to them and barring some brand new piece of information about them (Cheating, drug use, revelation of a major life secret) you are pretty much expected to press ahead with it.

Edited by Lostboy289
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5 minutes ago, Lostboy289 said:

If I can't honor my 2 year promises to someone, how am I expected to honor my eternal covenants to a person when a marriage gets difficult?

 

Exactly... Should not the Missionary that got Dear John'd really be happy that he learned about this aspect of her personality before he made eternal covenants with her?

And yet you seem to be demanding that we shame these people into keeping a commitment that they have shown they are not ready for. 

We can only hope that when they do make a covenant that they have matured a bit more, or at the very least found someone that they are willing to work with to become so.

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