Husband has left the church and cheated on me

[MadamMim]

Kind of at the same time? Three weeks ago he reunited with an ex on Facebook. Texted her. Fell back in "love" with her. Cheated on me. All while I was pregnant with and miscarried our fifth child. 

That sounds really horrible when I type it out. Yikes. 

I think what I want is advice. I believe I know I need to leave him for my sake and my children's sakes. He told me he was leaving the church last Tuesday. That rocked my world because it changes everything. But even after telling me that, he kept pushing me away. I think hoping I would leave him. I was committed to making it work because we ha...d not have...had the BEST relationship. Fairy tale. I mean that. Even he knows that. We had normal married couple fights from stress or shared duties. But we always ended up in bed cuddling and watching the Office and generally communicating very well. 

And then he just lost it. He told me about the cheating just last night. The actual act happened about a week ago. 

He said he is sorry. He feels devastated himself, that he'll do anything I ask of him, blah blah blah. I think if it was infidelity and he still had a testimony and wanted to go through the repentance process, then I would be willing to heal and work on this. And I think if he was leaving the church but loyal and faithful and loving, then we could have worked through that. 

But both? 

I love him desperately. I do. He has always been my everything. We met when we were young. We grew up and changed and experienced together. I don't know what snapped...he has no answers for me. He doesn't know why he did it. He just did. And he lost his faith somewhere in there. Oh, and he still has feelings for her, and right out said he has no confidence in himself that he won't do this to me again. 

What do I do? He left yesterday to be at his grandparents' house. I feel like my husband died. Actually, it would have been easier to grieve that...This? Betrayal. Up-side down, world tilting, breath stealing horror. 

 

[Just_A_Guy]

I am so sorry for what you're going through, and I don't want to sound insensitive.  But as a former family law attorney, I can tell you that in this moment you need two words (well, four words):

Lawyer.  NOW.  (And bishop.)

Maybe this can still be patched up.  But don't bet yours or your children's futures on it.

Edited April 23, 2017 by Just_A_Guy

[Sunday21]

I am so sorry. When bad things happen to me, I turn off my emotions, make a list and go through the list. Appointment with bishop, lawyer (just in case), call your parents, visit the temple. Good luck! 

[Guest]

I am so sorry this happened to you.  Please know the Lord is in control and will help you!  This actually happened to my parents about 20 years ago.  Let me tell you - it did not end well for my cheating father, who wound up eventually losing everything (and I mean EVERYTHING, from his house and his money to eventually his job (his partner was a coworker), his retirement, his health, and contact with children and later grandchildren.  To add insult to injury, his concubine wound up dumping him!).

I would enlist the full support network: the bishop, your parents, you name it.  Only you can make the decisions that are right for your circumstances, but praying, fasting, and consulting the bishop can help point you in the right direction.

I agree with JAG - lawyering up is excellent advice.  At very least your husband can (and, by law, WILL) pay his share in raising your four children. 

I am so sorry, and I wish you the best.

Edited April 23, 2017 by DoctorLemon

[Sunday21]

My father similar story also lost everything including his life but don't you dare feel sorry for him. You have children to raise!

[yjacket]

That's horrible and I'm sorry.  Only God can really answer the questions you are asking . . . .

But I will say that your marriage and his faith was broken way, way before this.  You have been divorced by deed for quite some time before he committed adultery-you probably just we completely unaware or didn't want to be aware of it.  I bet if you look hard enough, you will see what I'm talking about.

If you are to mend this horribly broken marriage you will need to find out and understand when, where, why and how your marriage became a sham.  

I will ask a probing question . . .how many kids do you have? what are their ages? and finally after you had kids what was your most important role?  What was your husband's most important role?  Did you identify yourself as a mother/father first or husband/wife first?

In a marriage it takes two to tango and while he is the one who committed a most horrific sin-something went horribly wrong in the marriage prior to this and for that both individuals have responsibility.

 

Edited April 23, 2017 by yjacket

[Guest]

16 minutes ago, Sunday21 said:

My father similar story also lost everything including his life but don't you dare feel sorry for him. You have children to raise!

Absolutely do NOT feel sorry for him.  His "sorrows" are self inflicted and the result of continuing to make one bad choice after another - adultery, leaving the church, not repenting, encouraging divorce....

I bet OP's husband has NOT lost his testimony, he is leaving the Church because he knows it is excommunication time and he is scared of the consequences of his own actions.  Pathetic.  If he were a REAL man, he would get on his knees and repent and do whatever it takes to make things right again.  Real men own up to their mistakes rather than try to squirm out by claiming they have lost their testimonies and manipulating their wives into doing the dumping.

I am sorry for the emotion but I have seen this pattern before: a priesthood holder commits adultery and rather than owning up to the fact he messed up big, he tries to cover his mistake by convincing himself the Church is not true (and therefore the sin is less).  This is despicable behavior and needs to end.

Edited April 23, 2017 by DoctorLemon

[Sunday21]

@DoctorLemon. Agreed. Same pattern of behaviour also seen in women. 

[yjacket]

2 hours ago, MadamMim said:

I think what I want is advice. I believe I know I need to leave him for my sake and my children's sakes.

I love him desperately. I do. He has always been my everything. We met when we were young. We grew up and changed and experienced together. I don't know what snapped...he has no answers for me. He doesn't know why he did it. He just did. And he lost his faith somewhere in there. Oh, and he still has feelings for her, and right out said he has no confidence in himself that he won't do this to me again. 

No, the best thing for your children's sake is to be raised in a home where father/mother are first husband/wife.  Children have a right to be raised by parents who are more committed to each other than they are to the children. The best thing for your children is to be raised by both a man and a woman who are committed to each other in a relationship called marriage. In an ideal circumstance this would mean by the individuals who created them, in a less ideal circumstance by individuals who love them as if they created them.

Oh he knows, he just doesn't want to either admit it to himself or tell you.  Over time something happened to your marriage and to his faith. . . I actually do not believe that he is being a coward by suddenly proclaiming he is leaving the Church.  My guess is that inside quite a while ago-he had already left the Church and God, but simply went through the motions b/c it's what you do.  It was probably the same thing with the marriage-he did it b/c it is what you do, but somewhere along the way he stopped doing it with feeling and eventually he just "snapped".  The road to Hell is paved one brick at a time. Nobody in a marriage just wakes up and says "Today I'm going to commit adultery!"

He was already dead inside (and the marriage) before the actual adultery and before he decided to leave the Church-it's very possible that the first part in the deadening dealt with pornography. 

I disagree with the others that say don't feel sorry for him.  I say I don't know how you can't not feel remorse, sadness and sorrow. He is someone you were planning to spend eternity with, raise children with, grow old with and now all of that is turned on its' head and may never come to pass.

Personally, I've never really gotten the emotions of revenge or hatred towards those who have given away their birthright. More than anything, I have a profound sense of sadness for the potential that was but may never be realized and for the very, very rough road all the affected parties must now travel. He is solely responsible for his adultery and for that he will have to answer to God; but you are both responsible for a failed marriage and that can be quite a shocker.

What should you do now . . . only God can answer that question.

Edited April 23, 2017 by yjacket

[JohnsonJones]

I am pretty strong against divorce, but the Lord made it clear that adultery WAS good grounds for divorce.

However, here's a clever contraption.

Quote

He said he is sorry. He feels devastated himself, that he'll do anything I ask of him, blah blah blah

He said this, put it to the test.  If he said he'll do anything, say if he MEANS it and REALLY goes through with it, you'll accept him back.  The condition, he HAS TO BECOME A GOOD MEMBER OF THE CHURCH.  That means going through repentance, the whole nine yards.  The added condition is he has to be sincere about it and cannot hold a grudge against you for asking that of him.

I'm betting he's not being sincere when he says he'll do anything.  However, if he is, it means, hopefully he'll come back as a stronger member then ever.

On the otherhand, the bible is pretty clear about Adultery.  You are a very good woman to even consider working it out with her husband (if he had only one or the other issue and even considering working it out, that makes you an exceptional person).  I try to be good, but at times I can be pretty vengeful.  I'd probably be filing for divorce already.  You seem far more forgiving than I, and that's a good thing.

 

[yjacket]

9 minutes ago, JohnsonJones said:

I'm betting he's not being sincere when he says he'll do anything. 

On the otherhand, the bible is pretty clear about Adultery.  

 

Generally speaking the way these things go (with one spouse leaving the church who had previously had a strong testimony), is they will try to drag the other spouse out of the church also. It only makes sense as being unequally yolked (i.e. having a completely different worldviews), is not conducive to a strong marriage. Some members on this board can express the extreme difficulty of being married to a spouse who leaves the church (and even worse becomes antagonistic towards it).

In many cases, it is the unbelieving spouse who ends up asking for a divorce-especially if the believing spouse is very believing-or they commit adultery or other such buffoonery in order to force the issue.

I completely agree in this case, divorce is certainly warranted and unfortunately may be necessary. 

Edited April 23, 2017 by yjacket

[eddified]

Hmm.. he says he'll do anything for you but he can't promise not to cheat on you again ? Sounds contradictory.

Even if you ask him to repent, it sounds like he has a good chance of NOT repenting. I'm not sure I'd stick around with an unrepentant adulterer. 

[Vort]

2 hours ago, yjacket said:

how many kids do you have?

Four. She just miscarried their fifth.

[eddified]

Have him get tested for STD's. 

[Guest]

Dollars to doughnuts he's been cheating for some time. Lawyer up and get out.

 

Im so sorry. I've watched my brother go through this. It's hard, but you can do it. You are going to be okay.

[yjacket]

7 hours ago, Vort said:

Four. She just miscarried their fifth.

yeap. . . thank you saw that after I typed!

[Backroads]

10 hours ago, yjacket said:

Generally speaking the way these things go (with one spouse leaving the church who had previously had a strong testimony), is they will try to drag the other spouse out of the church also. 

In many cases, it is the unbelieving spouse who ends up asking for a divorce

I suppose I could offer a somewhat cheerful case. I had a buddy I grew up with, always in the church. One day in adulthood he announced he was leaving the Church, he and his wife. So, yeah, they left the church, though the neighborhood rumor mill suggested it was largely the wife's idea and he was going along with it to preserve the marriage. Same rumor mill continued to say the marriage was still rocky despite a husband LEAVING THE CHURCH to please his wife. A couple of years' later, she divorced him and pretty much threw full custody of the children on him (for those anti-church folk who haunt these boards, I'm sorry, but in my personal experience I have yet to know anyone who was left the church and not abandoned their family in the same breath). So... he returned to church and has since remarried in the temple. 

It's difficult being married to someone of a different faith and seemingly even more difficult if the spouse doesn't even like your faith. 

Not saying, OP, you can't make this work if he repents of his adultery, but it will be difficult for you. And this is your decision to be made with prayer and discussion with your husband and bishop. I don't think many would judge you harshly either outcome.

[NeuroTypical]

16 hours ago, MadamMim said:

He said ... that he'll do anything I ask of him,

Yep - people have given you good advice, especially putting him to the test.  He can go confess to the bishop, he can pay for your lawyer.

[Guest]

On 4/22/2017 at 7:29 PM, MadamMim said:

He said he is sorry. He feels devastated himself, that he'll do anything I ask of him, blah blah blah.

I taught a person on my mission in a similar circumstance -- except, he was not a member.  His wife was.  She left him because, quite frankly, he was a loser.  He asked us to teach him the discussions.  We baptized him.  He started regular attendance.  He even received his first calling.

After some period of months he realized that she was not coming back.  He dropped the Church and never looked back.

I know the scriptures say forgive him.  But I just don't know about this.  Adultery is a major thing.  It's about the biggest thing that damages a marriage.  I believe it is supposed to destroy the marriage.  But that's just me.

[eddified]

8 hours ago, Carborendum said:

I know the scriptures say forgive him.  But I just don't know about this.  Adultery is a major thing.  It's about the biggest thing that damages a marriage.  I believe it is supposed to destroy the marriage.  But that's just me.

You can forgive without remaining in the marriage. Forgiveness (or not) is a separate event than divorcing (or not). Related, but still distinct things. I believe that depending on the situation, you may or may not be best served by divorcing an adulterous spouse... yet you will ALWAYS be best served by forgiving (vs harboring resentment). 

[Strongerie]

So sad to hear what happened to your marriage. I'm pretty sure you feel bad right now and hurt too. At this moment it would help to pray and ask for clarity. I know you want to save your marriage but if you come to think of it, if it's only you who like to do it then you'll likely fail in the end. It takes two to tango especially in a relationship. I think it's best that you focus on yourself and your kids and let him realize things on his own. If he truly loves you he will come back if not then he just lost a loving wife. Maybe right now he needs space and time, give him that.