Stopped going to church


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I stopped going to church about 2 years ago for varying reasons that I won't get into on here, but I also don't wear my garments and was wanting a little advice from some active members who might know what the church's stance is on the subject.

I've been contemplating on leaving the church all together instead of just staying inactive, I've always been taught that if you've gone through the Temple and then you leave the church and don't live the lifestyle, you're doing more harm spiritually than you would if you weren't under the covenant any longer. I've already come to the belief that I'm going to hell, I'm a lost soul that doesn't know what I believe anymore and to be honest it probably does no good for me to be even asking these questions on here if I don't even know if I believe anymore. However, just curious to know for the slight chance that Mormonism is right and I'm wrong, would it be better for my salvation to just leave the church and have my name removed from the records or should I just continue to live my life the way I want? What does the church think about that? If the church is right and I'm wrong, which would be less worse for me eternally speaking? To stay living in sin (sort of speak) or leave the church where I'm not expected to live a temple covenant life style as to not make things worse for staying... I don't even know if anyone reading this has a clue to what I'm talking about, but hopefully someone reading this does and can help answer me without pre-judging me and casting me to hell for even considering such a thing.

Thanks!

C

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Welcome, @Titan-ium17!  (I like your user name. :) )

5 hours ago, Titan-ium17 said:

. I've already come to the belief that I'm going to hell,

I don't believe this for a second.  You shouldn't either.  Getting into hell (by which, I assume we mean outer darkness, perdition, that place where Satan will spend his eternity) is not the simplest thing in the world, and if you were going there, you would not only know it beyond a doubt, you would know upon making the choice that that was exactly the choice you were making.

5 hours ago, Titan-ium17 said:

would it be better for my salvation to just leave the church and have my name removed from the records or should I just continue to live my life the way I want?

Being a disciple of Christ, the only answer I can give you is that it would be better for your salvation if you chose to follow Christ. :)

I really don't know whether there's a difference in which variation of "don't follow Christ" you choose.  Someone wiser than I will have to comment on that part.

PS: The folks here aren't in the pre-judging business (for the most part).  We're more in the "encourage and invite" business. :)

Edited by zil
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I was inactive for years. A missionary tried to insist that I take my name off the church rolls. He kept harassing me. I told him to get lost. Good decision.

a friend of mine has 5 kids. Some active and some inactive. She tells all of them to maintain their relationship with Christ. I would not worry about your standing with the lds church. If it is not the place for right now, fine. How about reading the New Testament ocassionally? Why not have relationship with Christ instead? Pray to Heavely Father if you feel that's something, you can do. Forget about the Mormons. Just ignore them.

I don't know why you are inactive but just in case...was some Mormon a real jerk to you? A leader, maybe? Some Mormons, even some leaders do bad things. That's their problem. Not yours. 

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5 hours ago, Titan-ium17 said:

I stopped going to church about 2 years ago for varying reasons that I won't get into on here, but I also don't wear my garments and was wanting a little advice from some active members who might know what the church's stance is on the subject.

That you should come back to church and Christ of course :).  

5 hours ago, Titan-ium17 said:

I've been contemplating on leaving the church all together instead of just staying inactive, I've always been taught that if you've gone through the Temple and then you leave the church and don't live the lifestyle, you're doing more harm spiritually than you would if you weren't under the covenant any longer.

Uh no.  Totally and 100% formally ditching out on your covenant and trying to disown your relationship with your Heavenly Father is MUCH worse than simply being lame about not calling Him (aka not pray or otherwise communicating). 

5 hours ago, Titan-ium17 said:

I've already come to the belief that I'm going to hell

If you're talking about some eternal lake of fire and torture, that doesn't even exist in LDS theology.  So no, you're 100% not going there. 

5 hours ago, Titan-ium17 said:

I'm a lost soul that doesn't know what I believe anymore and to be honest it probably does no good for me to be even asking these questions on here if I don't even know if I believe anymore.

Dude (or Dudette): it's not possible for you to get in a pit deep enough that the very creator of the world can't rescue you out of.  It's just not possible: His power to save WAY trumps your power to screw up.  All you have to do is reach out and grab His hand- the very hand He's outstretched begging "Please, please, let me help you."

5 hours ago, Titan-ium17 said:

However, just curious to know for the slight chance that Mormonism is right and I'm wrong, would it be better for my salvation to just leave the church and have my name removed from the records or should I just continue to live my life the way I want? What does the church think about that? If the church is right and I'm wrong, which would be less worse for me eternally speaking?

Grabbing Christ's hand (whether done now or later) is always better than always slapping it away.

 

@Titan-ium17, there's an AMAZING talk about people struggling to believe and struggling to have the Savior in their lives.  I don't know if you prefer video or text, so I'll give both: 

Or text: https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/04/lord-i-believe?lang=eng.  

Even if you just watch the first 60 seconds of this, please just give it the first 60 seconds.

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7 hours ago, Titan-ium17 said:

However, just curious to know for the slight chance that Mormonism is right and I'm wrong, would it be better for my salvation to just leave the church and have my name removed from the records or should I just continue to live my life the way I want?

I personally think a large part of your uneasiness is uncertainty.  You say you want to live one way, but are afraid the Church could be right.

If I were you, I would confront your doubt head on.  Pray, read scriptures, do what you have to do - find out for yourself if the Church is true or not.  Don't make a half-hearted effort at this - do it sincerely. 

If you find the Church is true, come back!  Your leaders can help you do this.  I will remind you that the scriptures are full of people who were once truly wicked who managed to repent and come back to Christ (Alma the Younger, Paul the apostle, Zeezrom).  If they can repent and come back to Christ, you can too!  If you find the Church is true, and the promise of salvation is real, no price is too much to pay to return  to live with Heavenly Father.  Make whatever sacrifices you need and get your life in order.

I think you will find nothing but uneasiness and stress if you live in perpetual uncertainty, without knowing the Church is true or not, living in a certain way while being worried at the back of your mind that maybe you are sinning away your salvation.  Living a life of uneasiness and stress is living no life at all.  

It is time to seriously ask the big, difficult questions in life, find out what you really believe, and go from there.  Instead of hiding from the question as to whether the Church is true or not, confront it head on and get some answers.

Edited by DoctorLemon
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I have heard some people suggest that excommunication is a "mercy" since it removes a person from the obligation of covenants (s)he is clearly not ready to keep.  I don't know that I believe that, though.  Either way--the covenant has been made, and it isn't being kept; and I don't know that God's expectations of us significantly change just because of a clerical act.

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Guest MormonGator
30 minutes ago, Just_A_Guy said:

I have heard some people suggest that excommunication is a "mercy" since it removes a person from the obligation of covenants (s)he is clearly not ready to keep.  I don't know that I believe that, though.  Either way--the covenant has been made, and it isn't being kept; and I don't know that God's expectations of us significantly change just because of a clerical act.

So when a person gets excommunicated they can't wear their endowment clothes? How does that work, does the church take them away from you? Just curious, nothing more. 

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1 hour ago, MormonGator said:

So when a person gets excommunicated they can't wear their endowment clothes? How does that work, does the church take them away from you? Just curious, nothing more. 

The garment is a tangible part of the covenants of the endowment. When one is excommunicated, s/he is no longer under those covenants. One can and indeed should still live by the standards of the covenants, but  should not represent himrself as being under those covenants. He is not. Thus, he should not wear the garment.

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I know the feelings you are feeling.  I've been there.  I remember the feeling of I'm going to hell anyway so why change.  81 days ago I decided to change, I took some big steps, lots of discomfort, and it is all worth it.  I had some of the same thoughts you are having and the fact that you are even considering all this probably means that you know where the truth lies.  Sometimes it take the right circumstances to all come together in order for it to be the right time for you.  I'm not a regular here...I came here only a couple weeks ago to bounce some ideas around with people who don't know me or my circumstances.  This is a very loving group, that I know.  I love you brother/sister, our Heavenly Father loves you, and If I were you...I'd try to feel that love and see where it takes you!

Edited by workingonit
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  • 2 weeks later...

Thanks for all the reply's, I sincerely appreciate it and everything you all have said. I don't want to get into the details of why I left the church, but I will say that after 40 years of going I've never gotten any straight answers about anything other than "you just need to pray about it" and other hundreds of other generic answers I've received over the years. There has been some instances where I've had some terrible experiences with not just members of the church, but from Bishops that really made me question things. I'll give in and tell you one of the worst experiences... found out my step-daughter was molested by her bio-dad when she was 14 & 15 years old who also went to the same Stake as us and we always thought something was going on and had gone to the our bishop and his bishop several times over the course of several years about it expressing our concern and we were always told by both bishops not to worry about it and that nothing was happening. Come to find out, my step-daughter finally came forward and told us that her dad had in fact been molesting her and she couldn't live with it anymore and wanted it to stop. We called the Police and they arrested him the same day, he admitted to everything and during the investigation, found out he had gone to his bishop a couple of years before and confessed to molesting his daughter, the same bishop we went to when we suspected something was going on. This bishop never told us what was happening, he kept it a secret between himself and my step-daughters dad and never told anyone, never called the police to turn him in or anything. The police investigated the bishop and found out he did in fact get a confession from the dad, but because he was a religious minister, he was under no obligation to say anything to anyone. In the end, he was ordered to stay away from our kids and was released from his calling by the church. My daughter's bio-dad was sentenced to 10 years in prison where he sits today. If a Bishop can't even protect a child, how can he be called to oversee a congregation of hundreds where little children are present? We still never got any answers from anyone at the church over this and ended up moving away as a result. This along with many many other things, I finally had enough and left the church. In the end, my marriage went south because I was questioning the church and my ex kept going... she keeps going as far as I know, but I'll tell you the entire time I was active, regardless of how hard I worked to keep my calling as one of the Sunday Elders Quorum instructors and numerous other callings I've had including a Boy Scout leader, Young Men's Presidency and so forth, I was always told I needed to do more and it was exhausting. There's everything in a nut shell....

Even though I did nothing wrong, was a full tithe payer, held a temple recommend, went to church every Sunday, paid my taxes, supported a family and never went out with friends and spent all of my time with family and kids, I still felt like I wasn't doing enough or was good enough. I was always being told I needed to pray more, put in more time into my callings and whenever I questioned anything, I was told I needed to pray about it for guidance... Since leaving the church, nothing in my life has changed other than me not going to church anymore, no longer wearing the garments, I actually feel like I am good enough and the stress of being an active church member is gone. I go to another church that isn't LDS, although I don't believe in everything they teach, the friendship from those members and their graciousness is more than anything I've ever felt in the LDS church and if that's what's going to send me to hell, then so be it. I was sick of being told I wasn't doing enough, I was sick of the disgusting way some of the members thought, especially when trying to hide a horrible crime against a child and then being told I just needed to pray about things whenever I didn't understand something or had a question about something... I was born and raised in the LDS church, some of my family still go and are active, I love the church, but honestly I can't stand some of the members and I don't' want to have anything to do with them anymore.

I believe the church is true still to this day, even though I don't agree with some of the things the church does about certain things and even though I still don't understand certain gospel principles. I even served a full time mission, loved every minute of it and I'm glad I went even after everything I've been through to now. However, it was hard being an active church member. It was hard feeling like I still wasn't good enough even though I was doing everything I could as hard as I knew how. It was hard listening to the different bishops telling me I needed to pray more when I questioned certain things instead of taking the time to help me understand them. Being an active member shouldn't be so damn hard, it shouldn't have to be so frustrating. Why do a lot of its members make you feel like such an outcast when you aren't fitting part of their mold? I have tattoos, I went to church with them and the crap I got from a LOT of members for having them was horrible. My kids had colored hair, wore tank tops and shorts, one of the times my daughter was sent home because she wore a tank top to an activity, she never wanted to go back after that. It's disgusting how gossipy members are, how judgmental they are. There's more gossip and back stabbing in that church than there is at my office where I work and it's shameful. Doesn't matter what ward I went to in 2 different states I lived in over the years, every single one of them were the same.

I know not every member is like that, but a good majority of them are and it was tiring and exhausting to deal with after years of it. I'm now doing what I want and what makes me happy, I can't go back to that anymore.

Edited by Titan-ium17
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Hi Titanium.

Sounds like you want to get excommunicated.  I don't think that's the right way for you.  Excommunication is a release of your BAPTISMAL covenants.  Do you still believe in your BAPTISMAL covenants?  That God lives, Jesus Christ is his only begotten son who atoned for our sins, that the Book of Mormon is true and Joseph Smith and Thomas S. Monson is the prophet? 

If yes, then you don't need excommunication.  You just need to live a Christian life the best way you can.

On all your bad experiences... there's nothing in scripture that says... all LDS people are perfect.  Or - when you get baptized, or when you become bishop, - you become perfect.  So, of course, bad things still happen even inside the LDS Church.

But, your faith should not be placed on these bad people.  Your faith should be placed in Jesus Christ who atoned for all our sins including these bad people.  Jesus Christ is why we go to Church.  We promise things, we pay tithes, we strive to be good because of Jesus Christ.

So, what I am going to tell you is... Forgive them.  Let Jesus Christ worry about them.  Love God with all your heart, love others as you love yourself, do good things, repent for your sins, pray, worship, observe the sabbath, go to the temple... not because you feel you have to do these things to get some reward... rather, do these things because you love Jesus Christ.  We are not perfect.  We will NEVER be perfect in this life.  All we can do is get better and better and closer and closer to Jesus Christ so that even if you're as good as Mother Theresa or President Monson, you would still need to get better and better and closer and closer to Christ.  There's no such thing as - I've attained goodness, I can stop now.  Not in this life.  There's only, I need to be better - because I love Jesus Christ.  Be happy that you love Christ.  Hope and pray that others will love Christ as well.  Pray for bad LDS people to repent.

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@Titan-ium17, my heart goes out to you and your family having to go through this.  I'm a victim of child abuse too.  I'm going to be blunt in my disjointed reply here.  

Child abuse---

That bishop MEGA screwed up.  How thing's were supposed to have gone down (but obviously he did not): bio-dad says he abuses girl, or girl says she's getting abused, or somehow bishop comes to suspect something.  The Church has a specific hotline for church leaders to call here.  He should have called the hotline, and the professional trained social workers on the other end would have advised him.  The advice would have almost certainlty been marching orders to call CPS and get an criminal investigation going to protect the girl.  Lying to your face about is was BEYOND wrong.  

I don't blame you for feeling extremely hurt here at all- in fact, I would be concerned if you felt any other way.  My heart goes out to you for this tragedy.  

 

 

"I'm not good enough"--

As to other "I'm not good enough" syndrome... frankly if you're honestly giving Christ your all, then that is beyond "good enough".  I personally feel that culturally a LOT of LDS people don't realize that, don't teach that, and it gets overlooked.  Such is not the way of the Lord.   I feel like there was recently a General Conference talk saying that, but I can't recall the specifics off the top of my head.  Culturally a lot of LDS people (myself sometimes included) also need to be better at saying "no" when things are getting stretched too then.  God does not require us to run faster than we are able to.  If someone asked you to do something you cannot do, then be honest and say you cannot do it.  (Again, this isn't just you, but plenty of other people, myself included).

 

LDS people sometimes being sinners and annoying and screwing up and all that junk--

Yeah, that happens.  It sucks at points and is criminal at others (like your daughter's experience).  So do people everywhere else.

 

 

"if that's what's going to send me to hell, then so be it."

Again, LDS don't believe in a burn-for-eternity-Hell, so nope you're not going there.

 

 

"Why do a lot of its members make you feel like such an outcast when you aren't fitting part of their mold?"

Why?  Cause they are sinning.  Should they?  No.  You are part of the great choir of this Church, tattoos and all.  Please, listen to this conference talk it totally hits what you're saying here.  

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2017/04/songs-sung-and-unsung?lang=eng

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@Titan-ium17,

First, get some help with a counselor.  You're showing signs of clinical depression.  By some of your description, it seems that it is a recent thing and not chronic.  That may be a good thing.  But you still need to get some help.

For being born in the Church I find it disturbing that you think you're going to hell.  That makes no sense from what you've just said.

As far as resigning or going inactive, there are statements from a theoretical position.  But in a practical sense there really is no difference.  The question is whether you want to be contacted by members of the Church or not.  If you want to maintain the connection, then stay in.  If you don't want people to contact you ever again, you'll need to resign.

You also asked which is better for your salvation?  Neither.  Both will be bad.

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What's the saying, "Comfort the afflicted, and afflict the comfortable?" 

We're not meant to be complacent or comfortable. We're meant to stretch and grow. 

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First of all, I feel awful about what happened to your stepdaughter. I feel worse about how the bishop handled that. He is accountable to God for that.

"If it weren't for the Gospel, I'd have left the Church a dozen times over." I woke up an entire Sunday School with that comment once. What I mean by it is that the doctrine of Christ, the core of our teachings, the hub of the wheel, is what keeps me around. I fall through cracks all the time, have received empty promises as my only help, and have been indirectly told I'm not worth it. Chieko Okazaki said, "Did you know that if you were the only person in the world who needed his Atonement, he would still have died for you--just for you?" I cling to that.

I've read through your posts, and noticed one thing missing. And, honestly, I probably noticed it because I need to be better about it myself. What of your scripture study? You mention filling all sorts of callings, and implied you followed the counsel to pray about matters, but have you tried the Bible? Start with Paul's story and his letters. Read about Christ's ministry. Take it slow and pay attention. 

D&C 82:3, "...he who sins against the greater light shall receive the greater condemnation." It sounds to me like you're asking if you can dim the light you've been given (by officially cutting ties with the church) in the hopes that you'll be held less accountable come Judgement Day. Personally, I don't think it works like that. So, you may as well leave your name on the records and just tell callers you'll come back if/when you're good and ready. If a home or visiting teacher, etc. gets too persistent, I know someone who got her address blacklisted by a proselytizing group because she invited them in, fed them cookies, and talked with them for six hours. 

 

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Guest LiterateParakeet
7 hours ago, seashmore said:

First of all, I feel awful about what happened to your stepdaughter. I feel worse about how the bishop handled that. He is accountable to God for that.

"If it weren't for the Gospel, I'd have left the Church a dozen times over."

This sums up my feelings as well.  

@Titan-ium17 I'm so sorry for the way things happened with your step-daughter.  If I were you, I would really struggle with that too.  As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, I am particularly incensed!  That Bishop should have reported it, and he is accountable for that, and the additional suffering your step-daughter endured because of it.  

As seashmore said, "If it weren't for the Gospel, I'd have left the Church a dozen times over."  I, too, have been hurt by church members, including Bishops.  It sucks.  I'm not going to down play it.  I seriously considered becoming inactive myself.  Only one thing stopped me.  I love the Lord and He wants me to be there.  He died for me, so I do this for Him.

I understand how you feel, but I do hope you will reconsider for Him. 

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1 hour ago, LiterateParakeet said:

This sums up my feelings as well.  

@Titan-ium17 I'm so sorry for the way things happened with your step-daughter.  If I were you, I would really struggle with that too.  As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, I am particularly incensed!  That Bishop should have reported it, and he is accountable for that, and the additional suffering your step-daughter endured because of it.  

As seashmore said, "If it weren't for the Gospel, I'd have left the Church a dozen times over."  I, too, have been hurt by church members, including Bishops.  It sucks.  I'm not going to down play it.  I seriously considered becoming inactive myself.  Only one thing stopped me.  I love the Lord and He wants me to be there.  He died for me, so I do this for Him.

I understand how you feel, but I do hope you will reconsider for Him. 

Wow.... you just said how I feel way better than I ever could.

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Guest Godless
18 hours ago, Titan-ium17 said:

I believe the church is true still to this day

This alone is reason enough to keep you name on the church records. Live your life how you want, but if you honestly believe the above statement is true, then leave the door open for you to return. If later on down the road you rethink your stance on the truthfulness of the gospel, then that may be the right time to remove your name, but don't do it while you still believe the church to be true.

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16 minutes ago, The Folk Prophet said:

Source?

I keep hearing this, but I believe it is members making stuff up. I do not believe it.

I don't know the answer, and would be interested in hearing it, but isn't it logic?  Baptism is the covenant by which we become members of the church.  Excommunication makes us no longer members of the church - thus severing that covenant.  (Of course, by definition, it would also sever any and all other covenants you have made.)

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