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As I'm sure you're aware, there's a distinction between having the thought and entertaining the thought.  Either way, I don't know that simple attraction or thoughts is something you need to "confess" in a punitive sense insofar as you don't seem to have acted on them. However, you may be profited by seeking advice from your bishop or perhaps from someone in the therapeutic community.

Are you aware of Lynn Robbins' article "Agency and Love in Marriage" from the Ensign around 2000-2001?

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I have a simple piece of advice.  Stop it.  This is victim mentality (I can't help it...  if only she'll move...etc.).  Your body is not the master of you.  YOU are the master of you.  Put on the Armor of God and ask for His help if you're having trouble being the Master of your destiny.

Practical tips:  If you find yourself thinking about her in more than a sisterly fashion, immediately start singing The Spirit of God at the top of your lungs.

 

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DO NOT TELL YOUR WIFE.

Got that?

Now that that's clear, my advice would be: Don't worry about it. If you find yourself thinking about your sister-in-law, think about something else. Don't allow yourself to dwell on thoughts of her. Beyond that, just don't worry about it. Do what you're supposed to do, control your thoughts as best you can, and get on with your life. If you deeply, desperately need someone to talk to for unburdening yourself or whatever, talk to your closest friend, or your quorum president, or your bishop. Or go hire a shrink and pay $200 an hour to talk with him, if that's what it takes.

By the way, did I mention DO NOT TELL YOUR WIFE?

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Guest LiterateParakeet

A friend of mine and I were just discussing this topic not to long ago.  We realized that in our years of friendship we have both felt attraction for each others husbands at some point.  We had a great laugh over that.  Sometimes people experience "crushes" after  marriage.  It happens.  As the others said, don't dwell on it.  It sounds like you've done a great job so far, and she's leaving for school soon, so just hold on!  These feelings will surely pass with time.  Pray about it, but then get back to focusing on other things.  You can do this.

Edited by LiterateParakeet
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47 minutes ago, anatess2 said:

Practical tips:  If you find yourself thinking about her in more than a sisterly fashion, immediately start singing The Spirit of God at the top of your lungs.

That way, next time you're at a temple dedication, right after the Hosanna Shout--you'll think of your forbidden crush. ;)

(Not trying to mock the OP; just beware of the possibility of creating negative associations.)

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32 minutes ago, Just_A_Guy said:

That way, next time you're at a temple dedication, right after the Hosanna Shout--you'll think of your forbidden crush. ;)

(Not trying to mock the OP; just beware of the possibility of creating negative associations.)

Hey, if he ends up only thinking about her during temple dedications then.... SUCCESS!  Right?  :)

 

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1 hour ago, LiterateParakeet said:

A friend of mine and I were just discussing this topic not to long ago.  We realized that in our years of friendship we have both felt attraction for each others husbands at some point.  We had a great laugh over that.  Sometimes people experience "crushes" after  marriage.  It happens.  As the others said, don't dwell on it.  It sounds like you've done a great job so far, and she's leaving for school soon, so just hold on!  These feelings will surely pass with time.  Pray about it, but then get back to focusing on other things.  You can do this.

Ok... so in my marriage, attractions are normal.  It's no big deal.  It's just like me telling my husband... oh wow, that actor guy who did Thor... he is so super cute (he looks like my husband when he was younger.  Interestingly, I only find people cute if they look like my husband, hah!).  Same as some guy I see who is cute as a button, I tell him to his face even with my husband next to me, you are cute!  In my marriage, admiring other people for their good qualities is not taboo or don't need to be guilt-ridden or anything of the sort.  And that's because both my husband and I understand that admiring the good qualities of other people is something completely different than our relationship with each other.  We both can admire good qualities of people, including physical attributes, without wanting to have sexual interactions with them.  Rather, admiring the good qualities of people is just another acknowledgment of their worth as children of God.

Edited by anatess2
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I concur with all of the good advice already given.

I would add in to make sure you screen your thoughts and control them if inappropriate.  When I used to have crushes on girls as a teenager, they were triggered by some kind of hope that perhaps I could end up with whatever girl I had a crush on.  I refused to fantasize about marriage to, say, my friends' girlfriends, and as such, I never developed crushes on those girls.  Since getting married, I have also not developed crushes on other girls, perhaps for this same reason.

Perhaps I am simply some kind of freak, but in DoctorLemon's psychology, I have found that crushes were at least partially voluntarily developed on my part - that I do not develop crushes without some kind of underlying hope that I can end up with whoever I have a crush on.  If your psychology is like mine, perhaps screening your thoughts for anything, even slightly inappropriate (e.g., "maybe I could marry this woman if we both became widows") would help?

If not, perhaps limiting contact with the sister to some extent is a good idea.

I think I agree with @Vort about not telling your wife.  

Edited by DoctorLemon
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9 hours ago, Bananafax said:

I've had a crush on my wife's sister for the last 3 years of our marriage. I haven't acted on it, nor have I told anybody. I am not sure what the correct course of action is in this situation.

My sister-in-law is leaving for grad school in a few months, and I'm hoping she finds somebody to marry there, though it is in a state where Mormon's are much less common. I at least hope that while she's away my crush on her will dissipate and I'll be back to normal. I am worried, however, that I will have to deal with this for the rest of my life. It's already been 3 whole years and I still think about her daily.

I don't plan on divorcing my wife; in fact I love my wife more than anyone else in the world. I don't know how to just "will" myself to stop thinking about my sister-in-law. I have prayed and fasted that this would stop without any real effect. I just can't shake the unwanted infatuation that I feel when I am with my sister-in-law. In my mind, it's similar to having same-sex attraction: I don't control my thoughts, and as long as I don't act on it I'm fine. In the same line of reasoning, maybe that's why prayer and fasting haven't worked for me?

However, is this something that I need to confess to my wife? What about to my bishop? Are there any suggestions for what I should do to stop feeling how I feel?

Don't ever make 'I can't help it' type of excuses.  You choose what you mind dwells on, and you have to make the choice to NOT dwell on things like that.  Where the mind goes the feet will follow.  Likewise minimize contact with her without being rude.  Do not keep her as a social media contact, do not seek out her company in any kind of setting and keep your interactions public, brief and friendly.  Her getting married or moving away won't do you any good if you do not discipline yourself. 

Also, make the choice to dwell on the things you love about your wife, work to improve your relationship with your wife and go out of your way to serve her.  Think of ways to make her feel happy and loved and appreciated. Let her fill your mind and your time.  Also those you serve, you increase your love for.

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7 hours ago, DoctorLemon said:

I concur with all of the good advice already given.

I would add in to make sure you screen your thoughts and control them if inappropriate.  When I used to have crushes on girls as a teenager, they were triggered by some kind of hope that perhaps I could end up with whatever girl I had a crush on.  I refused to fantasize about marriage to, say, my friends' girlfriends, and as such, I never developed crushes on those girls.  Since getting married, I have also not developed crushes on other girls, perhaps for this same reason.

Perhaps I am simply some kind of freak, but in DoctorLemon's psychology, I have found that crushes were at least partially voluntarily developed on my part - that I do not develop crushes without some kind of underlying hope that I can end up with whoever I have a crush on.  If your psychology is like mine, perhaps screening your thoughts for anything, even slightly inappropriate (e.g., "maybe I could marry this woman if we both became widows") would help?

If not, perhaps limiting contact with the sister to some extent is a good idea.

I think I agree with @Vort about not telling your wife.  

I think there is wisdom this.  I think that crushes in some ways ARE voluntary, and you can choose to have a crush or not.  If not, you need to crush the idea in your mind.  Look at ways why your wife is far more beautiful than her sister to you, and why you married your wife in the first place.

Imagine how you would feel if your wife had a crush on someone else, constantly and fervently.  How would you want her to deal with it?

You should be bothered to some degree by that, and if so, ponder how you would want her to be more faithful to you in heart and mind.  Likewise, try to make it so that you are more faithful to her, not just physically and in physical action, but in heart and mind as well.

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We all have an attraction profile and when someone matches that profile we are attracted to them.  But I want you to picture that profile like a stage with actors.  An actor may walk onto the stage that fits your attraction profile, but your job is to kick them off the stage immediately.  One way of doing that is to recognize when someone walks onto that stage and then stop that thought and develop a Mantra.  "I love my wife, I am a priesthood holder, I am a great father, I am happily married.".  This will distract from the thought.  It doesn't matter much what you say, it's very simple, but I promise it works.  If you don't get this under control it will get worse, and you will do things you should not be doing.  Out of sight is not always out of mind. 

Do not tell your wife. 

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@Bananafax,

One problem with modern inter-sex relationships is that we tend to mistake "attraction" for love or intimacy or infatuation or whatever.  I find many people "attractive"-- even some men.  I find many people to be fun to be around.  I find many people to be very comforting, inspiring, uplifting, and a true joy to have in my life.  Does that mean I'm contemplating committing adultery?

Of course not.

My marital relationship is so much more than any of those things.  My relationship with my wife is a result of our commitment to be one.  How we got to that point is another matter.  But just because you feel some "attraction" does not mean that there is any kind of relationship there.  You might as well consider a "relationship" a collection of all Charlize Theron movies.  (Oh, yes.  We have a relationship.  She just doesn't know it).  Just kidding.

I can't agree with people saying this isn't a problem.  By the tone of your post, I get the impression that it IS a problem.  You're dwelling on the thought.  To put it into perspective, ask yourself,"How is this any different than how a stalker feels?"

I'm not calling you a stalker.  What I'm saying is that the way you've described things, it is just as unhealthy mentally and emotionally to carry this with you.  Get rid of it and apply Pres. UchTdorf's two word sermon.  STOP IT!

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4 minutes ago, Bananafax said:

I'm alone in this.

No you're not.  Even if someone here hasn't been through it, someone somewhere has, and more importantly, the Lord is with you - if you let him be!  If you can't bring yourself to dismiss and replace the unwanted thoughts sufficiently, enlist His help!

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27 minutes ago, Bananafax said:

4) I'm alone in this. 

5) I'm doing something evil. A lot of the comments made me feel like I was doing something taboo and sinful. I agree.

Interesting...I read the same responses and I didn't get this at all. 

Try to open your mind and heart to ideas that you didn't have before you asked for advice. If you only see that which seems to agree with what you already felt, what have you gained?

 

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1 hour ago, Bananafax said:

Thank you everybody for your help and advice. A few things seem pretty clear to me:

1) Don't tell my wife. Though I never planned on it, I was wondering if I anyone thought if there's any reason I should confide in her. Apparently not.

2) Stick it out until school starts again. This will probably just go away during the 2 years she's out of state. There's not much that can be done in the meantime.

3) Stop thinking it. I'm frankly having a hard time with this one. To me it feels like I'm receiving the stereotypical bad advice that they give to those addicted to pornography or to those with same-sex attraction, and it seems just as taboo in your minds. If there was a mental switch I could easily flip, then I would do it in a heartbeat. I hate it and I hate myself for it, but I feel like there's a deeply entrenched neural pathway in my mind that takes more than "stop it." 

4) I'm alone in this. I thought that somebody would be able to share how they dealt with a similar situation, but that's not the case. And unlike most major problems, there's no support group for this kind of thing.

5) I'm doing something evil. A lot of the comments made me feel like I was doing something taboo and sinful. I agree.

I remember reading about some of the advice given to members to overcome same sex attraction.  Perhaps you could apply to your own situation?

A lot of people think that overcoming SSA is like slaying a dragon - you do one big action, go to the temple, etc. and it is over.  Not so (usually).  Apparently, overcoming SSA is more like taking a small step back from the dragon, then another, then another, then turning around and walking and then someday the dragon is so far away you barely know it is there.

Perhaps the same can be said for your situation.  Take a small step away from the situation - limit your contact, go play Star Wars the Old Republic instead of thinking about this girl - whatever you have to do.  Then, keep taking small steps back.  Every time you stop yourself from thinking about this girl, it is a small victory.  And someday, you will be like "wow, I have not thought about this girl in weeks!"

I don't think you are doing anything evil per se (this appears to be more like temptation), but I think we can all agree that these feelings will only lead to much sorrow.  I do think you have at least an element of control that you can exploit.

Edited by DoctorLemon
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2 hours ago, Bananafax said:

Thank you everybody for your help and advice. A few things seem pretty clear to me:

1) Don't tell my wife. Though I never planned on it, I was wondering if I anyone thought if there's any reason I should confide in her. Apparently not.

2) Stick it out until school starts again. This will probably just go away during the 2 years she's out of state. There's not much that can be done in the meantime.

3) Stop thinking it. I'm frankly having a hard time with this one. To me it feels like I'm receiving the stereotypical bad advice that they give to those addicted to pornography or to those with same-sex attraction, and it seems just as taboo in your minds. If there was a mental switch I could easily flip, then I would do it in a heartbeat. I hate it and I hate myself for it, but I feel like there's a deeply entrenched neural pathway in my mind that takes more than "stop it." 

4) I'm alone in this. I thought that somebody would be able to share how they dealt with a similar situation, but that's not the case. And unlike most major problems, there's no support group for this kind of thing.

5) I'm doing something evil. A lot of the comments made me feel like I was doing something taboo and sinful. I agree.

3) the more you work at it and do it, the easier it will be.  By avoiding dwelling on it you avoid stirring up temptation inside yourself and it will become easier to avoid thinking about it.  Same as if you do dwell on it you will stir it up and make it easier to keep dwelling on it.

4) You are not alone, Christ knows exactly what you are dealing with.  If you need to, you can go to your Bishop for encouragement, even ask for a blessing on it.

5) It is not evil or a sin to feel temptation, and that is all it is.  As long as you don't act on it you have nothing to feel guilty over. 

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On 5/18/2017 at 0:53 PM, Bananafax said:

I've had a crush on my wife's sister for the last 3 years of our marriage. I haven't acted on it, nor have I told anybody. I am not sure what the correct course of action is in this situation.

My sister-in-law is leaving for grad school in a few months, and I'm hoping she finds somebody to marry there, though it is in a state where Mormon's are much less common. I at least hope that while she's away my crush on her will dissipate and I'll be back to normal. I am worried, however, that I will have to deal with this for the rest of my life. It's already been 3 whole years and I still think about her daily.

I don't plan on divorcing my wife; in fact I love my wife more than anyone else in the world. I don't know how to just "will" myself to stop thinking about my sister-in-law. I have prayed and fasted that this would stop without any real effect. I just can't shake the unwanted infatuation that I feel when I am with my sister-in-law. In my mind, it's similar to having same-sex attraction: I don't control my thoughts, and as long as I don't act on it I'm fine. In the same line of reasoning, maybe that's why prayer and fasting haven't worked for me?

However, is this something that I need to confess to my wife? What about to my bishop? Are there any suggestions for what I should do to stop feeling how I feel?

Here is a word of hope for you too - you say you have felt this attraction for about 3 years.  I remember back in high school having some intense infatuations which lasted about that long.  However, do you think you will still be infatuated with this girl in 3 more years?  Unlike what you see on TV, I don't think many infatuations that don't lead to relationships last that long - I think they eventually become less intense and fizzle out, and it may happen for you soon.

So don't encourage these feelings, and don't do anything stupid, and you may not actually have to deal with this for that much longer.

Edited by DoctorLemon
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2 hours ago, Bananafax said:

3) I feel like there's a deeply entrenched neural pathway in my mind that takes more than "stop it." 

4) I'm alone in this. I thought that somebody would be able to share how they dealt with a similar situation, but that's not the case. And unlike most major problems, there's no support group for this kind of thing.

Ok, I'll share with you an experience of mine that is pretty close to what you're describing.

I had a girlfriend as I was going to college.  She had a special way of hugging me with special tenderness that let me know how much she cared about me.  She was one I was seriously considering for marraige.  But logistics kept us apart.  We eventually drifted apart.  We both got married to other people.

Years later, we happened to move to the same city.  She was on the far west side and I on the far east side.  It was a good hour or two drive apart.  I thought it would be a great opportunity to catch up and get back into each others' lives.  I was thinking I could have a new friend to go do guy stuff with.  So my wife and I invited them both over for dinner and an evening together.  We let the children play together as we talked about stuff and basically, all four of us got to know each other better.

Then it was time to say goodbye...

...

I reached to give her a hug goodbye.  She hugged me the way she used to hug me.  I was in no way thinking anything inappropriate with her.  But when she hugged me, all the old feelings came back in an instant... I had to let go in a way that balanced speed with casualness.  It was very important to NEVER invite them over again and NEVER have them in our lives.  It was FAR too dangerous.  That is how I dealt with it.  I had been trained because of that decision I made.  No equivocation.  I decided she wasn't going to be a part of my life.  End of story.  No buts.  No what ifs.  Just plain NO.

That experience TRAINED me to avoid those feelings in the future.  I found myself attracted to a couple of other women in my life.  But I felt more panic than arousal. It was because of that early decision that these additional decisions became easier.

You may think you're situation is different since it is your SIL.  Therefore, she's going to be in your life.  But you can do what you can to minimize contact, especially if you're only going to see her during holidays and such.

It's not that we don't have sympathy for you.  It is that I'm trying to warn you that if you stay on the side of making excuses and keep putting out the "But..." then you're going to find yourself in a bad place.  DON'T go there.  I have nothing but sympathy for you.  I also know just how dangerous it is to make excuses in your position. Stop believing that there are any excuses.  Once you justify that there are excuses, how easy is it to justify an excuse to go a step further and a step further?

The bottom line meaning of what I'm saying is: Stay as far away from the edge of the cliff as possible.

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I concur with the advice given DO NOT TELL YOUR WIFE

In response to you thinking that you are doing something wrong, I would say no you are not doing anything wrong, never act on your attraction and never mention it to anyone.  Be pleasant when family gets together for holidays and other occasions. Sounds like you are young you'll grow out of it.

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Note that not telling your wife is not intended as deception. Rather, this is YOUR hill to climb, YOUR weakness to overcome, YOUR dragon to slay. Not hers.

Let's just say it openly and have it done: Women are kind of weird. If a man tells his wife he's attracted to her sister, nothing good can come of it, unless for some weird reason the wife needs to know that little fact. Otherwise, it's just a tremendous burden to her -- one that never, ever goes away. It weighs on her mind. It oppresses her. It turns her own sisterly love against her sister. It poisons her relationship with her sister, and more importantly, with her husband.

Think of how you'd feel if your sister told you she was attracted to your brother. Now multiply that discontent by ten, or a hundred, or a thousand, and that's how your wife would feel if you told her you had feelings for her sister. Just don't do it. You may think you're unburdening yourself, but you really are not. In the long run, you're adding major strife to your life. And you are burdening your wife with something she'll never get rid of.

That's why I say don't tell your wife. If anyone disagrees, I'd be interested to hear their reasoning. So far, it looks like all or at least most agree with me. I do think that's the wisest course of action to follow.

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14 minutes ago, Vort said:

Note that not telling your wife is not intended as deception. Rather, this is YOUR hill to climb, YOUR weakness to overcome, YOUR dragon to slay. Not hers.

Let's just say it openly and have it done: Women are kind of weird. If a man tells his wife he's attracted to her sister, nothing good can come of it, unless for some weird reason the wife needs to know that little fact. Otherwise, it's just a tremendous burden to her -- one that never, ever goes away. It weighs on her mind. It oppresses her. It turns her own sisterly love against her sister. It poisons her relationship with her sister, and more importantly, with her husband.

Think of how you'd feel if your sister told you she was attracted to your brother. Now multiply that discontent by ten, or a hundred, or a thousand, and that's how your wife would feel if you told her you had feelings for her sister. Just don't do it. You may think you're unburdening yourself, but you really are not. In the long run, you're adding major strife to your life. And you are burdening your wife with something she'll never get rid of.

That's why I say don't tell your wife. If anyone disagrees, I'd be interested to hear their reasoning. So far, it looks like all or at least most agree with me. I do think that's the wisest course of action to follow.

I mostly agree with you Vort, but I'll add one caveat.  And I'm only saying this because this is what would happen in my marriage if this problem ever comes up (which it never will because... we've gone past the immaturity of "crushes").

Anyway, there is only ONE reason you would tell your spouse that I can think of  - if you need your spouse's help to overcome the problem.  Of course, this will only work if your spouse is secure in the marriage such that she sees these things as a weakness that needs to be overcome (outward-looking) instead of an attack against her (inward-looking).  I've met many old married people who still haven't quite matured from the inward-looking marriage to the outward-looking marriage.  Of course, I would say it is a rare marriage where a spouse is completely outward-looking.  My mother herself, the most outward-looking wife I know, in the last years of my dad's life, still ragged on him for some past transgression.  Hah!  But then, we're all human.

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23 hours ago, Bananafax said:

3) Stop thinking it. I'm frankly having a hard time with this one. To me it feels like I'm receiving the stereotypical bad advice that they give to those addicted to pornography or to those with same-sex attraction, and it seems just as taboo in your minds. If there was a mental switch I could easily flip, then I would do it in a heartbeat. I hate it and I hate myself for it, but I feel like there's a deeply entrenched neural pathway in my mind that takes more than "stop it." 

 

I deal with both of your examples. And it is absolutely possible to "Stop It".  It takes effort, it takes courage, and it takes consistency.  You can do this, when the thought comes, use a Mantra to change that thought and remind yourself what you have to lose if you take the wrong road. 

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It's like a muscle. The more you "stop it", the easier it becomes. Your "stop it" muscle will get stronger over time. Just keep fighting the fight. We're here on earth to endure to the end. So endure it. It will be worth it.

When I see an attractive female, I think about how she probably has serious issues. And how she isn't my type. And how my wife and I have so much more than just attraction between us. I probably shouldn't focus on the negative issues of the attractive female, but that's what I do and it seems to help me. (I don't think of the negative things in a judging manner, it's more of a "I'm so lucky my wife isn't like that" manner.)

Be grateful for what you do have. I just keep reminding myself how blessed I am to have a good marriage, and then any temptations regarding attractive females seems to melt away.

For what it's worth, I suggest not even being friends with past girlfriends on Facebook. My one serious relationship pre-marriage (the one that "dear John'ed me" on my mission), she friended me on facebook years ago but I did *not* friend her back. (Just showing that I practice what I preach).

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