Home Teaching someone who doesn't want it


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Hi everyone,

Does anyone have experience home teaching (or visiting teaching) someone who does not appear to want to be home taught?

This family is active and seems very nice, yet they do not want to let me and my home teaching companion come over!  Not just once or twice, but ever.

I have not had them assigned to me for very long, and I don't know them well, so maybe things will change if I kind of befriend them at church.

Anyone else have this kind of experience?  Any advice?

Edited by DoctorLemon
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Yes.  I have a sister on my visit teaching route who doesn't want to be taught.  She's inactive.  I asked her what her preferred contact method is.  She says she doesn't care as long as I stop coming over.  So, I write her a lovely note with some goodies and hang it on her front door knob every month.

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I would definitely try to befriend them at church DoctorLemon. It may be that they are just uncomfortable with people they do not know well coming into their house. 

The important question to be asked is, "does this family simply not want us to come over to their house or do they not want to be home taught at all?". Maybe they are embarrassed with the tidiness of their home (it could be a million different things). I would encourage you to see if they might be interested in having a meal at your house or your home teaching companion's house. Or simply ask if you could get to know them and talk more just in a random room after church Sunday. I kind of have a feeling they are just apprehensive about you two going into their house.

But look what you are doing now. You care enough to try and seek advice from others because you want to form a relationship with this family and fulfill your priesthood responsibilities! I cannot imagine any nice, active family that I know see your efforts and genuine desire to get to know them and then directly tell you not to come over. There is more to this and I have a feeling it is more to do with going into their house than home teaching in general.

If you find out please let us know. 

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Have I been there? Yes I have! 

Oh boy. Several times.

i confess that I find this a painful topic. In brief, I try things like dropping in, bringing treats. I even enlisted the help of one lady's mother. Sometimes, mom would be at the lady's hope when, I called. Sometimes mom would have invited the lady over to mom's house when I called. This lady eventually told her mother that she never wanted to see me again.

Some people respond well to treats. Some do not. My ward insists that we keep trying.

Good luck!

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Guest MormonGator
23 minutes ago, DoctorLemon said:

Hi everyone,

Does anyone have experience home teaching (or visiting teaching) someone who does not appear to want to be home taught?

This family is active and seems very nice, yet they do not want to let me and my home teaching companion come over!  Not just once or twice, but ever.

I have not had them assigned to me for very long, and I don't know them well, so maybe things will change if I kind of befriend them at church.

Anyone else have this kind of experience?  Any advice?

 Find out what their hobbies and likes are. Even if you have absolutely no interest in the hobby try to learn a bit about it. Go over there and don't force yourself on them. Just talk. Don't talk about religion, don't ask if they need anything-just talk and have a good time. If you aren't having a good time, fake it. I'm not going to open up to a guy who is just there because it's his duty. 

 Try to be their friend first, their home teacher second. 

Edited by MormonGator
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Guest LiterateParakeet
3 minutes ago, MormonGator said:

 Find out what their hobbies and likes are. Even if you have absolutely no interest join the hobby try to learn a bit about it. Go over there and don't force yourself on them. Just talk. Don't talk about religion, don't ask if they need anything-just talk and force yourself to have a good time. Try to be their friend first, their home teacher second. 

I like this. 

Honestly, I could be that family...almost.  Our current home teacher is the Bishop, he has been a friend for years and was our home teacher before he was the Bishop.  But if our home teacher changed....well, I don't know.  My husband would want me to let them come over, but I would be busy a LOT.

Same thing with visiting teachers.  My current visiting teacher is a long time friend.  She knows that if they change her, it's very likely I won't let the new teachers come over.

I have my reasons, and I'm sure the family are speaking of does as well.  MG has great advice.  You need to earn their trust.  

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There's more than one way to ht/vt.  

~ My husband sends a letter every month to one of his people (inactive, divorced...).  

~ Maybe you can let them know that you're great at fixing cars if theirs ever breaks down (or maybe you have handyman skills...).  

~ Maybe you can support them in their callings (I've actually told my vt that's what I'd prefer over a visit cause that would mean more - they still don't do it though :().  So join the choir if you have to or offer to set up/take down after a RS activity.  

~ Maybe promise to keep a visit to 20-30 minutes tops (I had one that stayed for 2+ hours).  

~ Maybe they need to be reassured that you won't bring your wandering kids over (had that happen, too).

~ Maybe you need to tell them you won't ask any nosy/probing questions (been there and don't like it).

chi 7.4.1 - Where possible, home teachers visit members in their homes at least monthly. Home teachers may also find other meaningful ways to watch over and strengthen the families they are assigned. For example, they may render service to the families or contact family members by mail or telephone.

 

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1 minute ago, my two cents said:

Ward beggar.

(helping the members understand that the leaders have spoken and everyone 12 and up needs to be indexing) << this will disappear shortly for anonymity

Aw dang, I think this is my new calling. Is that what I have to do? 

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14 minutes ago, Eowyn said:

Aw dang, I think this is my new calling. Is that what I have to do? 

Well, maybe the members in your area will be more responsive than they are in mine.  I never imagined I'd have to go to the lengths that I have to get even a smidgen of support. It makes me really feel for the Brethren with how many Saints ignore their pleas.

Let me know if you'd like ideas, etc.

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10 hours ago, DoctorLemon said:

Hi everyone,

Does anyone have experience home teaching (or visiting teaching) someone who does not appear to want to be home taught?

This family is active and seems very nice, yet they do not want to let me and my home teaching companion come over!  Not just once or twice, but ever.

I have not had them assigned to me for very long, and I don't know them well, so maybe things will change if I kind of befriend them at church.

Anyone else have this kind of experience?  Any advice?

I used to have more free time and was happy to see my RS sisters and do VT. Now I'm working a full week, and living alone, my 'free' time is spent doing laundry, going to the grocery store, batch cooking my meals for the week, making lunches, cleaning house, etc. None of that is done for me, as it much of it is for the men in the ward who work. I'm lucky to make it in to church.

I told the bishop I can't take it any more. No more VTs coming in and no more me going out to VT. Maybe when I retire, but not now. I had a visiting teacher who was so sweet and would send emails and phone calls; we got along great. And even tho we asked to stay with each other, apparently I have a new VT I haven't heard from yet.

If your family is OK with emails or cards, etc. just do that. Maybe they're happy to say 'hi' at church. You can't make people do what they want to do. 

 

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I can't say that I've had that family/sister on my route, but I have totally been that family/sister on someone else's. I once read in a blog somewhere a description of HT/VTing being a relationship of trust. I give 99% of folks a fair shake at making a first impression, so I'll let someone in once. But if, for whatever reason, I don't believe they want to care about me, I don't make it easy for them to come back.

Almost any time someone says, "is there anything I can do for you?" I make some inane request, most often dropping my trash off at the dumpster on their way out or checking my mailbox because it's slightly above eye level and I've missed a thing or two before. It helps me discern who is sincere about helping me if I need it, versus reading a script. I also flip it and instead of asking "is there anything I can do," I offer to do something specific, like taking out their trash or helping with dishes.

Show interest in their life. If they decline a visit due to a kid's ball game, ask if they'd like some company in the stands. Make an effort to patronize their employer if you can. (I love seeing friends from church in the drive thru, even if we don't say more than general pleasantries.) There's probably a reason you've been assigned; try and find out what it is. Pray for them and with them.

"First observe, then serve," said someone in a General Women's meeting in the last five-ish years. 

"See a need, fill a need," was the oft repeated motto in the movie Robots.

"It's by understanding me that you've helped me," is one of my favorite quotes from Willa Cather's O!Pioneers.

Because I like lists, here's one I got in a VT training years ago, and I've found it a helpful launching point. (Curse the wonky formatting!)

How well do you know the sisters you visit?

Physical                Do they need…

                              .    a ride to church?

                              .    help around the house?

                              .    help budgeting and shopping?

                              .    babysitting help?

                              .    someone to watch their homes while they
are away?

                              .    help with small children in church?

                              .    someone to sit by in church?

Mental                 Do they need…

                              .    help learning English?

                              .    stimulating adult conversation?

                              .    to learn new skills or hobbies?

                              .    the opportunity to participate in a
future RS lesson?

                              .    you to let the leaders know of their
special skills and abilities?

Social                   Do they need…

                              .    a friend to share activities with?

                              .    regular weekly visits?

                              .    to be called about ward activities?

                              .    a place to go on holidays?

Emotional           Do they need…

                              .    phone calls and notes of encouragement?

                              .    to know they are loved by someone?

                              .    someone to build up their
self-confidence?

                              .    help coping with small children?

                              .    to know that they are important and
useful?

                              .    to know that they are accepted for what
they are now?

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For the longest time we had no HT coming over, calling, writing. Didn't even know who was assigned to us. This was so heartbreaking for me, who had had the same HT/VT married couple for 30 years running!!

For the last two years our HT has been our Branch President. For some cockamamie reason the mini-powers-to-be at our branch decided that if you were active [meaning that you showed up on Sunday, stayed for all three meetings, and half-way performed your callings or could pass the breathing test] then you really didn't need a HT or VT.

Okay, this is me - Iggy - the Loud One. I blew a casket! Loudly, and in the presence of our Stake Presidency of every thing. Yep, during our Branch Conference. Well it was after Sacrament and before Gospel Doctrine when the Stake Presidents over everything were touring the Library, and as Librarian I asked who gave the OKAY to no HT, no VT if you were active in church??? Never in my life have I ever seen so many adults do the *Deer In The Head Light* look. They all looked at each other, Stake RS President said: What???

I repeated my statement. They all said ~ in unison almost ~ First I've heard of this. Then they turned to Branch President, who by the way had just been released, and said in unison, definitely: Care to clarify this? Who gave the okay on THAT?

There are still single aka widowed/divorced sisters who have no HT's assigned to them. The men that have companions are not paired Seasoned Member with Newby Member either.

After two years of never hearing from my assigned VT [single] - I asked my Supervisor if she reported that she visited with me? Yep, she did. So I asked how she visited me? Email, letter, face to face? She said face to face. So, armed with this information I went to the RS President and requested a different VT. I wanted one/pair that would come to my home at least every other month and then email me the other months. That for the last two years, I have not been contacted at all. I didn't tell her that I knew who my VT was, and that I also knew she had been lying through her teeth about visiting me.

Took her two months to assign new VTeachers. I love them dearly! They visit every other month, and send emails the other times. They visit together. The emails come from each of them. SO-- now I make sure that I call, email, FB or go see my VTee's every month. I have four. One won't give me her phone or email, but has given me her snail mail. One will only let me visit her at work. One has no way to contact her except via her daughters FB page. The other has a physical address, but I have yet to catch her at home. I leave a card with a spiritual message, invite to church on Sunday, offer to pick her up if needed, invites to RS Evening Meetings, etc. I don't leave food as she lives next to wooded area. Heck, here in this town one just does NOT leave food hanging on doorknobs or sitting on the porch. Too many stray dogs & cats. Too many river rats, raccoons, black bears, crows, blue jays, etc.

If you have been assigned to inactive members, still do your HT/VT but keep the spiritual messages to a minimum. Keep the friendship to a maximum.

 

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@IggyWe were shown a video from the RS presidency about 5 years ago in which they stated the priority as new members/inactive sisters (maybe investigators) and if any resources left over active sisters. No one was happy! Including me! 

This rule would mean that active sisters would rarely be visited in my ward because we have a ratio of 5:1 inactive:active. I suspect that at least 1/2 of the so called inactive have moved or want no contact,

Edited by Sunday21
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Sorry @Iggy but @Sunday21 is right.  From the chi 7.4.2: When assigning home teachers, leaders give highest priority to new members, less-active members who may be the most receptive, and others who have the greatest need for home teachers, such as single parents, widows, and widowers. I'm also not a fan of this and think there's got to be a way for those doing the work to not be the ones who are ignored (probably could word this better but you know what I mean). 

Edited by my two cents
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Yep, had several families like that over the years.  My first rule with ANY home teaching family is to become their friend.  If I can make friends, it usually breaks down any "visit walls."  For those that does not work out, I just talk to them at church, ask how things are going, engage in some friendly chit chat.  My EQ leaders will consider that a visit where the family is resistant to my attempts to contact or visit. 

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