How do I come back to God?

[Ijustwanttocomehome]

I want to first say that I read all the posted rules I could find, but if I violate any rules policies with my post please let me know so I can revise it, I also apologize if my post seems to ramble at all, I'll do my best but it can be tricky when asking for advice on things hard to share and express.

I've struggled with a pornography addiction for as long as I remember, as much as I can pinpoint it down I believe it started somewhere between eleven and thirteen.  I went on a mission without any testimony to speak of, but gained one doing the Lords work.  However in the latter half of my mission I struggled with that same addiction a few times and wasn't sent home from my mission, but came home without a temple recommend.  From that time I decided that if I couldn't overcome that addiction while on my mission, when I felt I was as sincerely focused on the Lord and his work that if I couldn't overcome it then, then I simply had no hope.  I spent the next four or so years not hating the church and Gods teachings, but doing my best to not feel the overwhelming guilt and despair my own sins cause me.  During that time I made a lot of poor choices that wouldn't be appropriate to list here, but for context and understanding I'll say that same-sex relations were among them.  After those four years I met my now wife and we dated for awhile, moved in together and then got married.  For the last three years I've had a happy marriage and I love my wife very much, however she has virtually no knowledge of the Lord or his gospel, which enables me to go through life without any support or pressure to return to Him.  I've never doubted Heavenly Fathers existence, His Sons existence or the power and validity of His gospel.  I've simply chosen to "hide" from it due to my own weaknesses, even though I've turned from Him I still see His blessings in my life.  I've had things line up in my career and financial life that simply weren't coincidence and I simply refuse to chalk them up to luck when I know they must have come from Him.  However that is a bit of a tangent I apologize.  Simply put my life is going ok, BUT I miss feeling "whole", I miss feeling the Holy Spirit's guidance, I miss feeling the Lords love.  I miss serving my God.  My wife and I recently had our first child, a wonderful baby girl who is 7 months old now, and I can't accept the idea of not showing her who God is and how much he loves her.  It's not just about me anymore and my weaknesses, I feel like if I can't help her develop a relationship with her Heavenly Father than I will have kept her from the greatest joy she'll ever know, that I once tasted.  But its been seven years sense my mission now, and I don't know how to go back.  I keep waiting for some dramatic event or something to happen to create this overwhelming drive in me to repent and come back to my Father.  But times goes by and no event comes, I don't think it ever will and that's probably just Satan pulling a quick one on me.  I know coming back starts with talking to a Bishop and confessing/discussing my sins, but I can't seem to muster a desire to take that massive step, and I am scared due to some of the more severe transgressions in my past that Excommunication will be necessary, I'm scared that following God and living His gospel will be a path my wife won't understand and might not follow, I'm scared that I'll have to change from a very lucrative career that forces me to work Sundays half the year, I guess I'm just scared.  I am asking for advice as well as I am just posting this to just take a step, any step at all in the right direction.  My plan is to begin reading the Book of Mormon again and try to keep my heart open, although I haven't felt the Holy Spirit in longer than I remember.

Edited May 28, 2017 by Ijustwanttocomehome

[Just_A_Guy]

Welcome back, brother.

[classylady]

The first step in returning is having the desire to do so. You have that!  And I believe it is the Spirit that is prompting you to come back. My advice is to continue to listen to that Spirit. Satan will try to deter you. Please don't listen to that other voice. 

You have a testimony. Apply what you know. You know that our Savior has atoned for our sins. Grasp on that. He knew you would come to this earth and make mistakes. We all do. That is why there is repentance and foregivess. Allow the atonement to work in your behalf. Hold onto that knowledge. 

Make an appointment and talk to your Bishop. It will be such a relief.  Get this off your chest. He can help you to find the best way to overcome your addiction. Don't worry about being excommunicated. If that is what is needed to become whole and clean again, in my estimation it would be worth it.

As for your wife, she may surprise you. Talk to her. Tell her how you feel. She may be very supportive of your desire to come back.  Your desire for being more spiritual may awaken a desire in her as well. It may not, but you can never tell. Good luck.  The Lord will bless you in your righteous desires. 

[zil]

Welcome, @Ijustwanttocomehome!  I hope you'll stick around and let us become your support network, cuz we want you to come home too.

5 minutes ago, classylady said:

Make an appointment and talk to your Bishop. It will be such a relief.

That.  It may be terrifying right up until the moment you confess, but after that, it will be a huge relief, a big weight off your shoulders.  You're already on the right track, you've already reached out for help, you've already formulated a plan, recognized a need you want to fill, just keep building on that momentum!

God and Jesus Christ love you.  They want you to come home.  Your brothers and sisters need you.

[Ijustwanttocomehome]

I sincerely appreciate the support and suggestions.  When I sit down with my Bishop (who I have no idea who it is, but I'm sure there is some kind of program or app to find out by my address), how does one even begin?  Do I treat my sins like a checklist and just throw them all out there or do I just tell him about my life?  Might sound like a silly question, but if I can picture the conversation in my head and feel a little more organized it will help me make that appointment.  I am also not sure, are there hard lines that if crossed require excommunication, or is it as guided by the spirit?  Although I don't know that it really matters in the end, if my transgressions are grave enough that its needed, then so be it to get back into Heavenly Fathers light.

[Sunday21]

Very pleased to have you here! You are very welcome! Quite a few posters have had this problem. I am sure that you will find support here.

[classylady]

To find the Ward/Bishop, go to LDS.org.  Once there go to Quick Links and find "Find a Meetinghouse or Ward. Once there type in your home address and click search.  Then click on the link for the Ward. The address will come up along with the Bishop's name and phone number. 

Make an appointment. You can tell him you're in the Ward but have been inactive for a number of years. Basically, you can tell him just what you've told us here.  The Bishop will let you know how detailed you need to be.

[Sunday21]

Dear @Ijustwanttocomehome, I came back after decades away. Just attend church eventually, the bishop will ask to see you.

In my case, everyone was super friendly especially the bishop. No one, including the bishop, could have cared less what I did when I was away. When I was preparing for my endowments, no one cared either! No one (except for a few nonleader people with personal problems) was the slightest bit concerned what I got up to when inactive. No problem whatsoever! Honestly coming back is a breeze! 

Edited June 23, 2017 by Sunday21

[seashmore]

Welcome! Your road back will be rocky, but the destination is worth it. 

Someone who I am close to went through similar struggles (pornography and law of chastity violations). While he was excommunicated for awhile, it turned out to be a blessing, as it motivated him to recommit himself to living up to the covenants he had made before. 

You may feel more comfortable confessing to your bishop once you know him, or it may be easier to confess to a stranger. If the former, follow the previous advice and just show up for a few weeks and get to know folks. If strangers are easier, follow the advice to set up an appointment and tell him what you've told us. 

You mentioned concern about having to change careers because you work a lot of Sundays. If the Lord needs you to, He'll let you know and provide a way. But He may not require that. The 2nd counselor in our Branch Presidency works in a factory that requires he be gone every other Sunday. Don't let that fear be what stops you from progressing on the path back to Christ.

[eddified]

The church has an addiction recovery program for pornography issues (and other addictions as well). The church even has service missionaries to help run the program. https://addictionrecovery.lds.org/?lang=eng

I encourage you to speak with the bishop and do what you can to attend. If you are too remote to meet in person, I think there are phone-in options. 

God bless. 

[Sunday21]

@Ijustwanttocomehome

I remember being scared to come back because some semiactive nutjobs told me all kinds of weird stories. Nonsense! Coming back is so simple. Just walk in the door. Really it is that easy.

[Guest]

@Ijustwanttocomehome,

Welcome to the forum.  Thank you for sharing your background.  We'll certainly be praying for you.

You expressed some concern about taking a "massive step" by confessing everything to the bishop.  That may seem like a big step to you.  It really isn't as bad as you may think.  But if you feel the need to break it down further try the following:

1) Begin reading the Book of Mormon on your own.  Combine it with prayer.
2) Start attending church regularly.
3) The ward clerk (if he's there that week) will probably come up to you and ask you for your name, birthdate, and last known ward or possibly the ward you grew up in.  (Ask me how I know that the ward clerk will do this) 
4) As the bishop wants to get to know you, he'll probably set up an appointment.  Don't get nervous.  Go a head and set it up.  This will be a good time to let him know that you've been inactive for a long time and want to take baby steps.
5) If you feel moved by the Spirit to confess some things, great.  If not, just let him know that you've still got some things to work out that drove you away from the Church in the first place.  Let him know that you're just not ready to talk about it all just yet.  But you're here at church because you know that church is a hospital for sinners.  And you need that hospital.
6) As time goes by, you'll feel more comfortable with the ward and with the bishop. At some point, you'll feel comfortable confessing your sins to him.

You don't have to jump to perfection tomorrow.  None of us can anyway.  Just go in the right direction and you'll eventually get there by enduring to the end.  Remember: each time you fall, you can get back up.

[Jojo Bags]

You are not the Lone Ranger in this.   It took me 47 years before I finally beat my porn addiction.   Im completely free f this spiritual sickness and am sickened by the very thought of the filth.  It all starts with desire.   "...Even if ye can no more than desire to believe...."