Can't stop thinking about a sister in my ward.

[Pricemormonguy]

There is a sister in my ward that I can't stop having sexual thoughts about. Let me just say that we have never done anything. Sometimes we do flirt with each other and it started innocently enough. Sometimes she fills in leading the music in Sacrament meeting. I usually lead for opening exercises of priesthood meeting and she walked by and saw me leading one time and teased me for messing up. It started to be a game, if she was leading I would make a face or something to try and get her to mess up. She will peek in the door at the back of the room where only I can see her and make silly faces at me. It's became our little game but the problem is now I look forward to those few moments more then I should. I catch myself fantasizing about her. Me and my wife have been married for almost 20 years and things are fairly boring. I know that's no excuse but I don't know what to do. 

[zil]

To quote President Uchtdorf, Stop it.  If things are "fairly boring" with your wife, make them interesting - seriously, just do it.  Stop interacting with the woman at church.  No more games.  No more teasing.  Civility and politeness when public interaction is required, avoidance otherwise.  When you start having thoughts about this other woman, replace them with something better.  It is seriously that simple.  (Simple is not the same as easy.)

[person0]

At first I was going to tell you to just marry her and then enjoy a sexual relationship with her, because that would be better than eventually falling into sin. . . but then you wrote almost at the very end that you are already married.    Sexual thoughts happen from time to time, try to ignore them and move on.  You are fantasizing about your thoughts which is not going to help you, ever!  It is also telling that you waited until the end to state that you were married.  You need to stop playing these little 'games' immediately.  Try to find ways to serve your wife, that will strengthen your love for her.  Also, feel free to explain to your wife that you are being plagued with sexual thoughts about other women and are working to rid them from your mind (you don't have to tell her the specific person/people).  Between service and open, honest communication, you could take your relationship to a whole new level.  For all you know, serving her could turn her on by her feeling more loved and close to you; open communication would lead to trust and closeness leading to more turn on.  Hmm. . .  wife turned on = happy happy fun times!  You won't know unless you try!  

[The Folk Prophet]

You should have an affair and then murder someone to cover it up. That worked out well for King David after all.

[Guest MormonGator]

There is nothing wrong with teasing and making jokes-after all, I do it all the time, but there are boundaries and rules. When I'm joking around about polygamy or multiple wives, my real life wife is right there, knows what is going on, and is making jokes too. All parties involved know about what is going on and are "stable" enough to joke around without it escalating.  The genders need to be able to interact together-that's how it works in the real world. 

I think you need to chill on this or get your wife involved some way so you can still joke around without it being awkward.  

Edited June 21, 2017 by MormonGator

[Guest]

1 hour ago, MormonGator said:

There is nothing wrong with teasing and making jokes-after all, I do it all the time, but there are boundaries and rules. When I'm joking around about polygamy or multiple wives, my real life wife is right there, knows what is going on, and is making jokes too. All parties involved know about what is going on and are "stable" enough to joke around without it escalating.  The genders need to be able to interact together-that's how it works in the real world. 

I think you need to chill on this or get your wife involved some way so you can still joke around without it being awkward.  

Gator, from what the OP said, this is not the same tenor.

@Pricemormonguy,

While some teasing and fun are just that, I believe you yourself have stated some things that indicate that your case is at an inappropriate level.

9 hours ago, Pricemormonguy said:

I can't stop having sexual thoughts about (her)

I look forward to those few moments more then I should.

I catch myself fantasizing about her.

Me and my wife have been married for almost 20 years and things are fairly boring.

I know that's no excuse but I don't know what to do. 

I know we're supposed to be very understanding and try to say things that are uplifting and helpful.  But these statements above are indicators of serious danger.  I CANNOT STRESS STRONGLY ENOUGH THAT YOU ARE ON DANGEROUS GROUND!!!  STOP IT!!!

There is no such thing as removing temptation.  What you can do is replace it with something else.

1. Start having sexual thoughts about your wife.
2. Look forward to coming home to your wife everyday.  If there is something wrong with your relationship, fix it.  Go see a marriage counselor.
3. Fantasize about your wife.
4. Make things exciting.
5. You don't know what to do?  Do the above.

These feelings don't come out of nowhere.  You can choose to have feelings.  Choose, decide, what feelings you're going to have.  You can shape your feelings.  Shape them into the feelings that are appropriate because those feelings will shape your eternal destiny.  The inability to control your feelings and emotions is a childish trait.  While we all have that weakness to some degree, you're about to let that childishness ruin your entire life and your eternal destiny.

I'll emphasize again  STOP IT!!!

Edited June 21, 2017 by Guest

[Guest MormonGator]

52 minutes ago, Carborendum said:

Gator, from what the OP said, this is not the same tenor.

@Pricemormonguy,

While some teasing and fun are just that, I believe you yourself have stated some things that indicate that your case is at an inappropriate level.

I know we're supposed to be very understanding and try to say things that are uplifting and helpful.  But these statements above are indicators of serious danger.  I CANNOT STRESS STRONGLY ENOUGH THAT YOU ARE ON DANGEROUS GROUND!!!  STOP IT!!!

There is no such thing as removing temptation.  What you can do is replace it with something else.

1. Start having sexual thoughts about your wife.
2. Look forward to coming home to your wife everyday.  If there is something wrong with your relationship, fix it.  Go see a marriage counselor.
3. Fantasize about your wife.
4. Make things exciting.
5. You don't know what to do?  Do the above.

These feelings don't come out of nowhere.  You can choose to have feelings.  Choose, decide, what feelings you're going to have.  You can shape your feelings.  Shape them into the feelings that are appropriate because those feelings will shape your eternal destiny.  The inability to control your feelings and emotions is a childish trait.  While we all have that weakness to some degree, you're about to let that childishness ruin your entire life and your eternal destiny.

I'll emphasize again  STOP IT!!!

I understand completely @Carborendum.You are correct and raise some very good points 

[Guest]

I would just like to add, don't fool yourself into thinking it is OK just because "nothing has happened yet".

If you are flirting, or otherwise encouraging inappropriate feelings, this is already very disrespectful towards your wife, the woman's husband, the Lord, and the priesthood.  You are already in inappropriate territory, and things can get a lot worse very quickly and unexpectedly if you don't get out.  Far too often, people flirt, thinking they would never break the law of chastity... until they break the law of chastity.

While I do think it is OK to be "normal" and "friendly" to members of the opposite sex you are not married to, going beyond that is a problem.  Anything that encourages inappropriate feelings is also a problem.  Stop flirting, limit contact, and stop encouraging the inappropriate feelings so that they can and will die down.  For future friendships with members of the opposite sex, remember, friendly . . . but not too friendly.  It helps to socialize as a couple with your wife, and keeping friendships with members of the opposite sex largely confined to that framework.

And do work on your marriage, like @Carborendum suggested.  You will be a lot happier and less susceptible to temptation if you are actively working on your marriage.

Edited June 21, 2017 by DoctorLemon

[mdfxdb]

8 hours ago, person0 said:

 Also, feel free to explain to your wife that you are being plagued with sexual thoughts about other women and are working to rid them from your mind (you don't have to tell her the specific person/people).  

All of the advice here is pretty good except for the above.  Whatever you do, never ever tell your wife about this.  Just stop it.  

 

You're a grown man, act like one.  You know what to do, don't pretend you don't.  

[Suzie]

14 hours ago, MormonGator said:

There is nothing wrong with teasing and making jokes-after all, I do it all the time, but there are boundaries and rules. When I'm joking around about polygamy or multiple wives, my real life wife is right there, knows what is going on, and is making jokes too. All parties involved know about what is going on and are "stable" enough to joke around without it escalating.  The genders need to be able to interact together-that's how it works in the real world. 

I think you need to chill on this or get your wife involved some way so you can still joke around without it being awkward.  

But this isn't just innocent teasing/joking...the OP is sexually fantasizing with this sister in question therefore, having his wife involved is well..a little...disturbing IMHO.

[Vort]

Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery: but I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.

Don't fool yourself that, just because committing adultery in your heart is not as depraved as committing adultery in her bed, that makes it okay. It is not okay. It destroys your (and her) ability to feel the Spirit and leads you onto a very dark path.

This needs to stop today, right now, and needs not to happen ever again, under any circumstance. Smile briefly at the sister in question, maintain eye contact for no more than one second, then turn your head and think about your wife. Do this for the rest of your life.

[Latter-Day Marriage]

By all means, STOP IT like others have said, but don't leave it at that.  Nature abhors a vacuum.  You need to refocus your mind on your marriage.  You describe it as 'fairly boring' so I think you have some idea on where there could be some improvement.  Fantasize about your wife instead,  focus on flirting and being playful and loving with her, and if she is not responsive have a real conversation about making the marriage happy and fulfilling for both of you, emotionally and sexually.

[person0]

15 hours ago, mdfxdb said:

Whatever you do, never ever tell your wife about this.

I agree that he should not tell his wife the complete specific nature of what is happening, nor at this point should he bring up the specific person that is bothering him.  However, I strongly disagree that confiding in his wife that he is being plagued with sexual thoughts/temptations in general is an incorrect course of action.  If his wife is so spiritually or emotionally feeble that she can't be there as a help meet for him through general temptations that affect men everywhere all the time, then I'm not sure I have much hope that he would have the personal motivation to stop what he's doing at all (except for personal worthiness).

If he can't lean to or rely on his wife to want to be there as a support to help keep him a strong and worthy priesthood holder, and can't trust her to be capable of handling a simple truth of life (that guys are attacked with temptations of women all of the time), then he has some serious relationship issues that need to be addressed in addition to stopping what he's doing.  He said things in his marriage are boring, not that they are bad.  If his attraction to this other women becomes problematic enough and he cant stop thinking about her, his wife may eventually have to know all the details so they can get special permission to attend a different ward, that would be so much worse than her knowing a tiny piece of it right now and being there to help him focus.  Discussing a generic concept with his wife should not cause a problem, unless there is a worse problem already there.

This is something so common that once he has a plan he should be able to tell his wife nonchalantly, "Honey, I've been having a lot of bad thoughts bothering me from time to time recently.  I'm so grateful that the Lord has blessed me with you in my life; I can just put you right into all those bad thoughts and make them real good!"   A nice follow up could be,"You want to know what I've thought about doing with you today?"    If he actually does something like this, not only is it open and honest with his spouse, but it also opens the door for an easier transference of those fantasies to his wife, and her possibly even coming home expecting him to talk to her about his fantastical thoughts.  Sorry for the rant, but I'm a big believer in as much spousal communication as can be reasonably achieved.

[Jojo Bags]

On 6/21/2017 at 1:08 AM, Pricemormonguy said:

There is a sister in my ward that I can't stop having sexual thoughts about. Let me just say that we have never done anything. Sometimes we do flirt with each other and it started innocently enough. Sometimes she fills in leading the music in Sacrament meeting. I usually lead for opening exercises of priesthood meeting and she walked by and saw me leading one time and teased me for messing up. It started to be a game, if she was leading I would make a face or something to try and get her to mess up. She will peek in the door at the back of the room where only I can see her and make silly faces at me. It's became our little game but the problem is now I look forward to those few moments more then I should. I catch myself fantasizing about her. Me and my wife have been married for almost 20 years and things are fairly boring. I know that's no excuse but I don't know what to do. 

Have you ever played Russian roulette?  What you're doing is much worse than that.  Unless you stop thinking these thoughts right now, you will fall so hard on your face that it will take a decade to heal.  Every time these thoughts come into your mind and you dwell on them, you are cheating on your wife.  Now that I've spanked you, I'm willing to be that you don't know the source of these thoughts since this is something the church leaders don't talk much about anymore.  I worded the previous sentence in a deliberate way and I'm willing to bet you didn't pick up on it.  "Every time these thoughts come into you mind...."  There is only one source of evil thoughts and that is Satan.  He and his minions have the ability to project  thoughts, feelings and images into your mind.  Consider the following quotes.

Quote

[Satan] has power to place thoughts in our minds and to whisper to us in unspoken impressions to entice us to satisfy our appetites or desires and in various other ways he plays upon our weaknesses and desires.

Joseph Fielding Smith (Answers to Gospel Questions, Pg. 81

)

But while Satan can convey thoughts, he does not know whether these thoughts have taken root unless they are reflected either in words or in actions.  Elder Francis M. Gibbons (Conference Report, Oct 1991, Pg.109)

Those evil spirits, … invisible to our eyes, yet palpable to our senses, are constantly seeking to instill into our minds evil thoughts and wrong desires, to prompt us to commit sin and thereby grieve the Spirit of God and to lead us, as Cain was led, to perpetrate crime which resulted in his becoming Perdition.  George Q. Cannon (Gospel Truth, Pg. 66)

While your original thoughts about the woman were initially projected into your mind by an evil spirit, you made them your own by dwelling on them.  By your words and actions, you let those evil spirits know they were successful, so they continue to tempt you to keep thinking about her.  How does it feel to know you actions are being influenced by evil spirits?  It won't end with adulterous thoughts about the woman.  You'll be influenced further to look at all women that way.  You'll even be influenced to look at pornography.  It is a very slippery slope you are traversing.  I'm assuming you've been to the temple.  Do you remember how in the ceremony we are taught how to cast out Satan?  When those thoughts come into your mind, cast away the evil spirit and then don't dwell on the thoughts.  Remember that all our actions are preceded by our thoughts.  You won't commit adultery if you don't entertain the thoughts.

[Fire_Guy]

I was in similar situation with an attractive woman many years ago at my work.  My mind was very attracted to another woman and we were both married.  We would talk a lot and I would flirt with her.  We never got physical with each other or saw each other outside work. The Holy Ghost told me I needed to severely cut back on my interactions with her and I did.  

Now I pray for deliverance from temptation and work on my marriage and try to have my wife be my only sexual outlet.  I am amazed at what the Lord can do if we have patience and submit to Him.  One thing I try to do now is never be alone with a woman I am attracted to that is not my wife.  If I am attracted to a woman I try to limit my interactions with her.  Do everything you can to avoid  being alone with this woman and STOP thinking about her.  These fantasies will only bring shame, regret and misery to you if you pursue this course.  The Lord can heal your marriage if you will turn to Him.