Please help! Delicate situation

[Allons_y]

My husband and I have been married for 15+ years. We have 4 children. We have struggled our whole marriage. Not with each other but with life. Jobs, school, money etc. I think all this struggle is my fault. 

10 years ago we had 3 kids, the youngest was 6 months old. My husband had just graduated and gone to the other side of the country for a job. I was left alone with the kids for a month to pack up and get ready to follow him. I was lonely. I met man online and met him a few times in person. There was very inappropriate conversation and touching. When we moved, I told my husband about the man but not about the things we did. I never talked to a bishop about it. 2 years after that I told my therapist about it and asked him if I should tell my husband. He said no because that would only hurt him. To this day, I have not said a word about it to anyone else. I am disgusted with myself for my actions and can't even comprehend why I did it. 

Now here we are. Things keep happening. Nothing ever goes our way. I think it's my fault. Am I being punished. Do I need to tell him? Or the Bishop about something that happened so long ago? I know it will change everything if I tell him. He already struggles with me because of my mental illnesses. I don't know what to do.

[Guest MormonGator]

First thing I want you to do is take a deep breath. Remember that God loves you no matter what happens or has happened. We all make mistakes. Please, please, please don't be overly hard on yourself-forgiving others is easy and forgiving ourselves can be much harder. 

I probably wouldn't tell your husband the details, but I would tell your bishop about it. I can't tell you what he'll (bishop) say, but you need to tell him. 

Prayers for you. 

Edited July 27, 2017 by MormonGator

[prisonchaplain]

You say you told your husband about the man, but not about the things you did. Your therapist counseled you that going into details is not necessary. The only potential issue in your situation is whether or not your husband understood that you and this other man had begun to be inappropriate, before you cut it off. If so, then it would seem you've done what you need to. You repented before Heavenly Father, confessed to your husband, and sought out therapy to help you cope. If there is residual guilt, that is a lie of the Enemy. Rebuke the guilt, in Jesus name. Especially rebuke the lie that any tough times are a result of this ancient and forgiven sin. If Heavenly Father has promised to forget our confessed sins--to cast them as far away as the east is from the west--then why should we believe He would allow misfortune to befall us BECAUSE of that forgiven sin? Especially all these years later? If you have not done so, perhaps it's time to ask the therapist to help you with self-forgiveness.

[Guest]

1 hour ago, Allons_y said:

My husband and I have been married for 15+ years. We have 4 children. We have struggled our whole marriage. Not with each other but with life. Jobs, school, money etc. I think all this struggle is my fault. 

10 years ago we had 3 kids, the youngest was 6 months old. My husband had just graduated and gone to the other side of the country for a job. I was left alone with the kids for a month to pack up and get ready to follow him. I was lonely. I met man online and met him a few times in person. There was very inappropriate conversation and touching. When we moved, I told my husband about the man but not about the things we did. I never talked to a bishop about it. 2 years after that I told my therapist about it and asked him if I should tell my husband. He said no because that would only hurt him. To this day, I have not said a word about it to anyone else. I am disgusted with myself for my actions and can't even comprehend why I did it. 

Now here we are. Things keep happening. Nothing ever goes our way. I think it's my fault. Am I being punished. Do I need to tell him? Or the Bishop about something that happened so long ago? I know it will change everything if I tell him. He already struggles with me because of my mental illnesses. I don't know what to do.

I think you need to sit down and have a long chat with Heavenly Father about this.  

When we are in trouble, through sin or otherwise, the best first step is to have a long, honest prayer about what is going on.  Ask for the Spirit to help guide you as to what to do next, and take it from there.

Have faith and know the Lord loves you!

[Bad Karma]

2 hours ago, Allons_y said:

I was lonely. I met man online and met him a few times in person. There was very inappropriate conversation and touching. When we moved, I told my husband about the man but not about the things we did. I never talked to a bishop about it. 2 years after that I told my therapist about it and asked him if I should tell my husband. He said no because that would only hurt him. To this day, I have not said a word about it to anyone else. I am disgusted with myself for my actions and can't even comprehend why I did it. 

OUCH! Well, you've learned first hand just how deadly to your soul it can be to have an extramarital affair. I know this, if my wife came and told me she had an affair after all we have been through together, it would hurt me so deep, I think I would totally be a crying mess, close off my heart and just try to survive the knife in my chest, I don't think I would ever divorce her, but she would be dealing with a very crushed and broken man. So, In time, I know heavenly father would tell me to take my wife back into my arms and love her, although I already have trust issues as it is. 

 

2 hours ago, Allons_y said:

Now here we are. Things keep happening. Nothing ever goes our way. I think it's my fault. Am I being punished. Do I need to tell him? Or the Bishop about something that happened so long ago? I know it will change everything if I tell him. He already struggles with me because of my mental illnesses. I don't know what to do.

The deceiver WANTS bad things to happen in marriages, bad things in marriages destroy families, often turning the other spouse away to find themselves in the devil's playground to be further destroyed. Are you being punished? Not by heavenly father, he doesn't work that way. Mental illness in you is not a punishment, but an affliction. I can't tell you what to do as far as telling him or not, I don't see any good coming from that when your marriage is already having strife, pray, pray, pray some more, go see your bishop quietly about this, having someone to help you with spiritual battle is a great asset, which is clearly in evidence, that is spiritual battle. 

 

You are very repentant and do not come off as flippant at all, I'd say your heart is screaming out to our lord with all it's might.  

In the mean time, pray, cry, tell your husband you love him, several times a day. You'll teach him to do the same.  Those little words in a man's ears do so much.

Welcome here. 

[Just_A_Guy]

3 hours ago, Allons_y said:

 2 years after that I told my therapist about it and asked him if I should tell my husband. He said no because that would only hurt him.

Welcome!  I just want to take a moment to respond to the above:

I am not a therapist.  But my work brings me in contact with a lot of 'em, and they always tell me that they are *not* supposed to give answers to questions that begin with "should I?".  Rather, they are supposed to give patients the tools they need to reach their own answers in harmony with their own ethical codes.

If your therapist is in the habit of spoon-feeding you answers to all of life's major quandaries, then I would respectfully suggest that either you're misunderstanding your therapist--or you may need to find a better one.

Edited July 27, 2017 by Just_A_Guy

[eddified]

I've followed the following advice and it has served me very, very well: when in doubt about whether to speak to the bishop, just speak to the bishop. 

Reasons:

a) it can't hurt -- (well I suppose in extremely rare cases , it can , but.....)

b) he wants to help you

c) it will help to get if off your chest. 

If it's something you've really repented of, a good bishop will sense that and help you get work through any residual guilt... (not from a therapy side of things, but rather by reading scriptures regarding the washing away of repented sins) 

If it's something you don't know if you've fully repented of, I'm sure a good bishop will help you with that too. 

There really aren't any good reasons to not speak with the bishop when there is any doubt as to whether it's necessary. I think you'll come out alright if you follow this counsel. 

I know I always, always, feel better after speaking with the bishop, regardless of what I went to him for. 

Note: when I said "a good bishop" I meant any worthy bishop following the spiritual promptings that are sure to come to him as a steward over the congregation. By far most of the bishops I've spoken with privately were good bishops. .. I'm definitely not grading them on a curve. 

[Guest]

@Allons_y,

First, welcome to the forum. And remember that your Heavenly Father loves you.  And we'll be praying for you.

To answer your question, I think you already know what you need to do.  But you're afraid of the consequences.  Regardless of whether he knows or not, you know.  And the fact that you know and he doesn't is what is hurting you inside.

It seems counter-intuitive, but for a person with a conscience such as yourself, it hurts worse to have to live with getting away with something than it is to face the music and get punished.  That pain is exactly what you're feeling.

As for the bad things always happening, I've got news for you.  Bad things keep happening to everyone.  It is how well we can deal with it that makes life a joy or pain.  While carrying this weight around with you, you're less able to handle the things life throws at you.  You need to get rid of the weight to save strength to handle life.

Now some wisdom from The Doctor:

Quote

The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and... bad things. The good things don't always soften the bad things, but vice versa, the bad things don't necessarily spoil the good things or make them unimportant.

Sometimes, we need to go through the bad stuff to get to the good.  If you never march through the bad, you'll never know the good on the other side.

Edited July 27, 2017 by Guest

[Allons_y]

53 minutes ago, Just_A_Guy said:

Welcome!  I just want to take a moment to respond to the above:

I am not a therapist.  But my work brings me in contact with a lot of 'em, and they always tell me that they are *not* supposed to give answers to questions that begin with "should I?".  Rather, they are supposed to give patients the tools they need to reach their own answers in harmony with their own ethical codes.

If your therapist is in the habit of spoon-feeding you answers to all of life's major quandaries, then I would respectfully suggest that either you're misunderstanding your therapist--or you may need to find a better one.

I haven't seen that therapist in 7 years. We moved shortly after this conversation. 

Note: when I said "a good bishop" I meant any worthy bishop following the spiritual promptings that are sure to come to him as a steward over the congregation. By far most of the bishops I've spoken with privately were good bishops. .. I'm definitely not grading them on a curve. 

One of the biggest things that has kept me from talking to my Bishop; the man I met, was a Bishop ?. I have had a LOT of bishops since then, some of them have been amazing but I'm not sure I can ever trust one with my own emotional and spiritual health ever again. 

Edited July 27, 2017 by Allons_y

[Sunday21]

Dear @Allons_y,

Big hugs. I have been sorely disappointed with bishops in my time. Bishops are imperfect! Shrug!

imagine how happy Satan was to snare that bishop! Are you going to allow Satan to undermine your faith? Don't let him win!

How about a trip to the temple and a prayer in the celestial room?

Good luck with everything!

[Guest]

9 hours ago, Allons_y said:

I haven't seen that therapist in 7 years. We moved shortly after this conversation. 

Note: when I said "a good bishop" I meant any worthy bishop following the spiritual promptings that are sure to come to him as a steward over the congregation. By far most of the bishops I've spoken with privately were good bishops. .. I'm definitely not grading them on a curve. 

One of the biggest things that has kept me from talking to my Bishop; the man I met, was a Bishop ?. I have had a LOT of bishops since then, some of them have been amazing but I'm not sure I can ever trust one with my own emotional and spiritual health ever again. 

There is a saying in the military:  We don't respect the man.  We respect the office or the rank.  That is how I'd approach a bishop.  It is only by the grace of God that most bishops I've known are also men whom I can respect.

[MrShorty]

A few thoughts, if I may:

1) I will second what PrisonChaplain says -- thoughts that "God is just punishing me for past sin" are not helpful and, in my opinion, almost certainly not true. You must embrace the atonement and let Christ take your past sins and mistakes.

2) I don't know whether you "should" confess to your husband. I see mixed messages around that issue out there. If you need someone to try to talk you into making the confession (as a counter opinion to your prior therapist's view), you might read through Dr. Harley's "Policy of Radical Honesty" (http://marriagebuilders.com//graphic/mbi3900_honesty.html ) and see if he can talk you into making the confession. I don't know that it is always the right thing to do, but there can be an argument made that it is potentially a good thing to do.

3) As much as this is eating at you, confessing your past indiscretion may be valuable for your own well being -- even if it is not necessary for the sake of your marriage or other difficulties. Only you can make this choice, but it might be worth pondering if you need to make the confession (and to whom to you need to make the confession: husband, bishop, both, or someone else) just to be able to move forward yourself.

I don't know that I have further insights into those thoughts, but there they are to maybe give you some things to think about.

[seashmore]

13 hours ago, Allons_y said:

I haven't seen that therapist in 7 years. We moved shortly after this conversation. 

Note: when I said "a good bishop" I meant any worthy bishop following the spiritual promptings that are sure to come to him as a steward over the congregation. By far most of the bishops I've spoken with privately were good bishops. .. I'm definitely not grading them on a curve. 

One of the biggest things that has kept me from talking to my Bishop; the man I met, was a Bishop ?. I have had a LOT of bishops since then, some of them have been amazing but I'm not sure I can ever trust one with my own emotional and spiritual health ever again. 

I'll echo the advice to confess your mistake to your judge in Israel. You are understandably hesitant to confess to a bishop; would you perhaps be more comfortable speaking to a stake president? You, for yourself, need to know and feel that you are forgiven, and I get the impression that won't happen until you speak to someone you know has the authority to forgive grievous sins.

[Sunday21]

I don't want to be weird but..what if Satan is trying to undermine your marriage by having you give a full and open discussion with your husband? So maybe you should go the temple and pray about this full and frank disclosure thing?

[omegaseamaster75]

21 hours ago, Allons_y said:

My husband and I have been married for 15+ years. We have 4 children. We have struggled our whole marriage. Not with each other but with life. Jobs, school, money etc. I think all this struggle is my fault. 

10 years ago we had 3 kids, the youngest was 6 months old. My husband had just graduated and gone to the other side of the country for a job. I was left alone with the kids for a month to pack up and get ready to follow him. I was lonely. I met man online and met him a few times in person. There was very inappropriate conversation and touching. When we moved, I told my husband about the man but not about the things we did. I never talked to a bishop about it. 2 years after that I told my therapist about it and asked him if I should tell my husband. He said no because that would only hurt him. To this day, I have not said a word about it to anyone else. I am disgusted with myself for my actions and can't even comprehend why I did it. 

So a couple of things, we are discussing a 10 year old sin.  I'm no judge in Israel but you sound like you have punished yourself plenty for this lapse in judgement.  By your description of events it sounds like no fornication took place.  Let this sleeping dog lay, cease to carry this guilt around with you. To what benefit will it be to your relationship if you unload this on your husband?  What's the positive outlook?  You now have 4 kids think about them and their desire to be with both their mother and father.  No one likes to hear it but for the greater good you need to choke this down and live with it until the day you die.  God will sort it out.    

 

21 hours ago, Allons_y said:

Now here we are. Things keep happening. Nothing ever goes our way. I think it's my fault. Am I being punished. Do I need to tell him? Or the Bishop about something that happened so long ago? I know it will change everything if I tell him. He already struggles with me because of my mental illnesses. I don't know what to do.

If things aren't going your way it's not your fault, this is called life. Dooty or is it Dootie happens, you are not being punished. I highlighted the important part. Continue to work on yourself, be a better wife and mother do not let your past define you. I tell people who are struggling in life that they need to work harder at it.  Put your nose to the grindstone until there is nothing left.  You define your future.   

[Bad Karma]

6 hours ago, Sunday21 said:

I don't want to be weird but..what if Satan is trying to undermine your marriage by having you give a full and open discussion with your husband? So maybe you should go the temple and pray about this full and frank disclosure thing?

In agreement with Sunday21, I find this scenario to stand as more to truth, What does Satan gain by such full disclosure? A very considerable weapon in which to force your husband into Satan's playground by not just destroying you, or him, but to destroy a whole family, families being food for the deceiver, such is a feast joyful in Satan's eyes. 

"What God hath joined together"..... Make sure you find your way to your  husband's protective loving arms each night, pray together before you lay your heads upon your pillow.  It's such a small thing to be asked of either of you,lead him to it if you must, until he girds himself in his priesthood and leads. 

Blessings

Edited July 28, 2017 by Bad Karma

[Jojo Bags]

I'm gonna go against the flow of most of the advice here.  In the church,  confession to your bishop and to the person you offended is required when you  commit sin of a grievous nature.   Cheating on your husband certainly qualifies, because that is what you did. You may not have had sex with the other man, but you cheated, nonetheless.  Not only that,  you were deceptive and dishonest when you "told" your husband about the other man. It makes no difference that it happened 10 years ago. The scriptures are replete with instances in which God withholds blessing because of sin.  

Quote

I, the Lord, am bound when ye do what I say; but when ye do not what I say, ye have no promise. D&C 82:10

You made a choice to see another man, but you didn't consider the consequences.  One way or another,  the consequences will come home to roost, either in this life or the next. You can put off your confession, but that will only make it worse in the long run. The best thing you can do is suck it up and accept the consequences,  whatever they may be and get on with your life.   At least your conscience will be clear.