Advice / Comfort needed


turtle12
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Hey everyone! I'm new here and could use some input/comfort/advice. Simply put, I am completely wrecked with guilt and I want to feel better and I feel so stuck! 

This may be a bit long, please bare with me! 

So for starters, I got married at a young age during a period of inactivity. I decided I wanted to go back to church after getting married. My husband was extremely upset about it and it caused a lot of tension in our marriage. I tried like heck to make it work for years, but every year that went by, the further we drifted apart. My husband wouldn't allow me to go to the temple, pay tithing, etc. I was barely able to go to church on Sundays without him pouting at me for it. He drank often and would often make fun of me / degrade me for my beliefs. We didn't spend time together, I would go home for holidays without him, the only time we really saw each other was passing each other in the hallway on the way to our separate lives. My husband also struggled with mental illness and porn addiction. 

Deep down, I knew the marriage couldn't/wouldn't last. I wanted kids so bad and I knew that bringing kids into a marriage like that would be a disaster. I spent nearly two years trying to work up the courage to leave him, but fear of the unknown and trying to make it on my own kept me around. 

Here's where things got messy. I had a guy friend who had started to investigate the church. I developed feelings for this other guy and him for me. These feelings and knowing what kind of life I could have with someone who didn't drag me down on a constant basis, gave me the push I needed to ask for a divorce. 

So I requested a divorce from my husband, at first he was all for it but later decided he wanted to make it work between us. I was no longer interested in trying to make it work. I had tried so hard for so long and I didn't want to waste more of my life hoping he'd grow up and get the help he needed. 

Anyway, my ex and I are now divorced and I am now married to the guy mentioned above. He joined the church and everything with us is wonderful. I had no idea how great a healthy marriage could be. 

The messy part? My (now) husband and I lost control and were intimate before we were married, and unfortunately, before my divorce was final. 

The guilt and shame I have felt has been intense. 

We are hoping to be sealed in the temple, but neither of us are worthy anymore. I want so badly to come clean, as does he. 

I would have gone to the bishop immediately and the only reason I haven't yet is because I know people (my parents especially) will want to know why we arent going to the temple anymore. If they knew that we had premarital sex it will be a huge blow up. My sister had previously done the same thing and when my parents found out, they told her they hated her and pretty much disowned her and her boyfriend for a time. Eventually they got over it, but at the time it was a huge mess. I can't stomach the idea of getting a reaction like that from them. 

I feel so much pressure to still go to the temple, but I don't want to go unworthy. I'm also afraid I'd be excommunicated since I was technically still married when this happened (please no judgement guys, I already feel sick to my stomach for it). 

Is there any type of reason or excuse I could give my parents to postpone going to the temple for however long without telling them the real reason? 

Any advice/support/comfort at all? This is seriously keeping me up at night worrying about. 

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Welcome to the Forums.

My first bit of advice is both you and your spouse need to get the bishop and confess ASAP.  You know this and you are lucky in the sense that your spouse is right there with you because he is the only one (besides the bishop) that might have needed to know.  And he already does.

You are worried about your family's reaction and that is understandable.  But the Lord has very strong words about those that put family before him.  Don't do that.

So what do you do about family...  They have no "right" to know.  You do not have to tell them anything. If they ask about the temple simply say that you are not going at this time.  They are entitled to no more answer then that.

Of course they might want and even demand more details but you giving that is totally up to you.

Parents are still learning and growing even when their kids are adults.  Maybe they learned from your sisters experience and are different people now, maybe they did not.  That is something no one here can tell you.

Bottom line is even if you parents find out all the details and responded just as poorly (or worse) as they did with your sister... it is still the best path for you and I think you know that even if you are afraid of it.  Put your faith in God and doing his will and let everything else fall out as it may.

 

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First of all, everything is going to be okay. There are some steps to work through to get to where you want to be, but as long as you and your husband have the same goal in mind, and have a willing/contrite heart, you can make it to the temple worthily with time. 

Have you given an exact date to your parents for the temple sealing? If not, then start moving forward with the repentance process with your husband and your bishop, and if they ask when the sealing will happen just let them know you guys are working towards getting there and will let them know when that will happen. They don't need to know specifics. If they ask for specifics, tell them that it's between you and your husband and will look forward to giving them an exact temple date when the time comes. If they start trying to guess what is going on, just reiterate that this is between you and your husband and details are not important. 

Definitely do not go to the temple unworthily. You have the mindset of wanting to repent, and that is great. But you do need the bishop in this scenario, and you guys can work through this until you can get to the temple worthily. All you have to tell people is that you're working towards that temple sealing with your church leaders, and are looking forward to the day you can get sealed together. But I would make that appointment with the bishop now, so that Satan can't keep putting worries and fears in your head to stop you from starting that repentance process. You can also find counsel with your bishop about how to approach your family's questions about this as well.

Everything will work out as it is supposed to, just with time and healing with the Lord's help! 

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A messy complicated situation with a simple solution: call your bishop right now.

Don't let worrying about what your parents think stand between you and reconciling with the Lord.  Don't let worrying about what your parents think stand between your husband and reconciling with the Lord.   Don't stand around any longer with these chains of guilt on you.  

Also: your parents have zero entitled "right" to know what's going on between you and the Lord (/ the bishop as the Lord's servant).  If you want to tell them, you can.  But if you don't want to tell them what's going on, then you in no way need to tell them.  

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53 minutes ago, turtle12 said:

Hey everyone! I'm new here and could use some input/comfort/advice. Simply put, I am completely wrecked with guilt and I want to feel better and I feel so stuck! 

This may be a bit long, please bare with me! 

So for starters, I got married at a young age during a period of inactivity. I decided I wanted to go back to church after getting married. My husband was extremely upset about it and it caused a lot of tension in our marriage. I tried like heck to make it work for years, but every year that went by, the further we drifted apart. My husband wouldn't allow me to go to the temple, pay tithing, etc. I was barely able to go to church on Sundays without him pouting at me for it. He drank often and would often make fun of me / degrade me for my beliefs. We didn't spend time together, I would go home for holidays without him, the only time we really saw each other was passing each other in the hallway on the way to our separate lives. My husband also struggled with mental illness and porn addiction. 

Deep down, I knew the marriage couldn't/wouldn't last. I wanted kids so bad and I knew that bringing kids into a marriage like that would be a disaster. I spent nearly two years trying to work up the courage to leave him, but fear of the unknown and trying to make it on my own kept me around. 

Here's where things got messy. I had a guy friend who had started to investigate the church. I developed feelings for this other guy and him for me. These feelings and knowing what kind of life I could have with someone who didn't drag me down on a constant basis, gave me the push I needed to ask for a divorce. 

So I requested a divorce from my husband, at first he was all for it but later decided he wanted to make it work between us. I was no longer interested in trying to make it work. I had tried so hard for so long and I didn't want to waste more of my life hoping he'd grow up and get the help he needed. 

Anyway, my ex and I are now divorced and I am now married to the guy mentioned above. He joined the church and everything with us is wonderful. I had no idea how great a healthy marriage could be. 

The messy part? My (now) husband and I lost control and were intimate before we were married, and unfortunately, before my divorce was final. 

The guilt and shame I have felt has been intense. 

We are hoping to be sealed in the temple, but neither of us are worthy anymore. I want so badly to come clean, as does he. 

I would have gone to the bishop immediately and the only reason I haven't yet is because I know people (my parents especially) will want to know why we arent going to the temple anymore. If they knew that we had premarital sex it will be a huge blow up. My sister had previously done the same thing and when my parents found out, they told her they hated her and pretty much disowned her and her boyfriend for a time. Eventually they got over it, but at the time it was a huge mess. I can't stomach the idea of getting a reaction like that from them. 

I feel so much pressure to still go to the temple, but I don't want to go unworthy. I'm also afraid I'd be excommunicated since I was technically still married when this happened (please no judgement guys, I already feel sick to my stomach for it). 

Is there any type of reason or excuse I could give my parents to postpone going to the temple for however long without telling them the real reason? 

Any advice/support/comfort at all? This is seriously keeping me up at night worrying about. 

I am going to tell you something you may not realize.  You are in a great position to get your life back on track!

Most of the time, when there is immorality, the hard part is telling your husband.  In your case, he already knows!  You can work on repenting together, and in the process get closer than you ever thought imaginable.

As for excommunication, who cares?  Excommunication is just a name for a stage in the repentance process.  If it happens, power through it with your husband and your bishop.  It really is not something you should fear, but something you should embrace!  You are far better off, spiritually and emotionally, excommunicated but working your way back to the temple then you would be carrying around some dark secret.  Most importantly, excommunications are in strict confidence and ward members aren't going to know what is going on!

As far as your family is concerned, who cares?  If you don't want to tell them, don't!  You are not a little girl anymore, you don't have to tell your mom and dad when you are going through a repentance process.  If they press about why you are not going to the temple, don't discuss - just say, "I am not going right now and my reasons are my own."  If they press, say, "none of your business!" and limit contact for awhile.  If there was ever a time to draw boundaries, now is the time!

I suggest you and your husband make an appointment with the bishop and tell him together.  The second you confess, you become worthy to go to the Celestial Kingdom and live with your husband for eternity, no matter if you end up being excommunicated or not, because the second you confess, you have started on the road through repentance.  You are going to feel so good after confessing!  You are going to feel more peace than you have felt in years.  It is going to be awesome.  You and your husband should go confess, then go on a nice date afterward at a restaurant and celebrate getting eternity back.  Nothing else matters but being able to enjoy going to the Celestial Kingdom forever with your husband!

I am actually kind of excited for you and your husband.  You have a perfect chance right now to make everything wrong right again.  It is going to be OK!  Good luck!

Edited by DoctorLemon
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I'm not sure if I understand.

1 hour ago, turtle12 said:

Anyway, my ex and I are now divorced and I am now married to the guy mentioned above. He joined the church and everything with us is wonderful. I had no idea how great a healthy marriage could be. 

The messy part? My (now) husband and I lost control and were intimate before we were married, and unfortunately, before my divorce was final. 

The guilt and shame I have felt has been intense. 

We are hoping to be sealed in the temple, but neither of us are worthy anymore. I want so badly to come clean, as does he. 

I would have gone to the bishop immediately and the only reason I haven't yet is because I know people (my parents especially) will want to know why we arent going to the temple anymore. If they knew that we had premarital sex it will be a huge blow up. My sister had previously done the same thing and when my parents found out, they told her they hated her and pretty much disowned her and her boyfriend for a time. Eventually they got over it, but at the time it was a huge mess. I can't stomach the idea of getting a reaction like that from them. 

First,

I'm not sure if it will be a problem.  I'm assuming you've been married for a year?  It shouldn't be a problem.  Talk to your bishop.

At worst, he'll postpone it a few months.  But I'm not sure even that will happen.

Even if it does, is "embarrassment" sufficient cause for disrespecting the temple?

BTW, your parents were totally out of line for reacting the way they did.  If they want to behave like children, then let them.  That doesn't mean you should act like one.  Take the heat. Remind yourself that if your parents behave that way they're being childish, and you're being the adult willing to accept responsibility.  And they don't even need to know any details.  Just tell them you decided it would be best to move the date.

Really, please just talk to the bishop.  You'll feel a lot better about it if you do.

Excommunication?  I don't know if it is considered adultery if you were in the process of a divorce and were simply waiting for the paperwork to be finalized.  I honestly don't know.  It's something to give you hope.  And even if it is, I highly doubt you would get excommunicated over it especially considering all the circumstances and you show genuine remorse over it.

I think you're actually in a very good position to repent and get that monkey off your back.

Edited by Guest
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Thank you so much for your responses everyone! My husband and I talked and we both agreed to talk to our bishop ASAP. I've waited for years to go to the temple and I don't want to lie to get there. When we go, I want it to be a truly wonderful and joyous experience and I know it won't feel that way if we are feeling bad for being there unworthy. This is hard, but I'm really glad to know I won't need to carry this heavy burden much longer. 

My husband has only been a member for a couple months and we've only been married a couple months. Would he have a higher risk of being excommunicated being such a new member? 

And if I were excommunicated, would my parents somehow find out since I'm sealed to them? 

I'm really hoping and praying we don't get excommunicated, I can't imagine having something so precious taken from us both because of our foolish mistakes. I wish so bad we could go back in time :(

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2 minutes ago, turtle12 said:

Thank you so much for your responses everyone! My husband and I talked and we both agreed to talk to our bishop ASAP. I've waited for years to go to the temple and I don't want to lie to get there. When we go, I want it to be a truly wonderful and joyous experience and I know it won't feel that way if we are feeling bad for being there unworthy. This is hard, but I'm really glad to know I won't need to carry this heavy burden much longer. 

My husband has only been a member for a couple months and we've only been married a couple months. Would he have a higher risk of being excommunicated being such a new member? 

And if I were excommunicated, would my parents somehow find out since I'm sealed to them? 

I'm really hoping and praying we don't get excommunicated, I can't imagine having something so precious taken from us both because of our foolish mistakes. I wish so bad we could go back in time :(

Only the bishop can answer questions about excommunication because that is his role and responsibly and stewardship.

If it does happen.. look at is as a temporary timeout.  And do everything in your power to come back...  Because you most definitively can

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11 minutes ago, turtle12 said:

Thank you so much for your responses everyone! My husband and I talked and we both agreed to talk to our bishop ASAP. I've waited for years to go to the temple and I don't want to lie to get there. When we go, I want it to be a truly wonderful and joyous experience and I know it won't feel that way if we are feeling bad for being there unworthy. This is hard, but I'm really glad to know I won't need to carry this heavy burden much longer. 

My husband has only been a member for a couple months and we've only been married a couple months. Would he have a higher risk of being excommunicated being such a new member? 

And if I were excommunicated, would my parents somehow find out since I'm sealed to them? 

I'm really hoping and praying we don't get excommunicated, I can't imagine having something so precious taken from us both because of our foolish mistakes. I wish so bad we could go back in time :(

I don't think your parents will find out.  The Church is very good about maintaining confidentiality in these matters.

How close are you to your parents?  Are they in the same ward or city?  If they have a history of acting horribly and impeding their childrens' repentance process, perhaps you should limit contact with them while you are going through this.  If they ask, say you are "busy" with your new husband.  You are about to do something very honorable, so why give Satan a chance to try and impede you by acting through your parents?  (And yes, their reaction to your sister sounds like it was straight from Satan, frankly, and they need to repent).

Edited by DoctorLemon
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13 minutes ago, turtle12 said:

Thank you so much for your responses everyone! My husband and I talked and we both agreed to talk to our bishop ASAP. I've waited for years to go to the temple and I don't want to lie to get there. When we go, I want it to be a truly wonderful and joyous experience and I know it won't feel that way if we are feeling bad for being there unworthy. This is hard, but I'm really glad to know I won't need to carry this heavy burden much longer. 

Yeah!!!

13 minutes ago, turtle12 said:

My husband has only been a member for a couple months and we've only been married a couple months. Would he have a higher risk of being excommunicated being such a new member? 

Actually it's lower: he has not yet made temple commitments to keep the Law of Chasity.  If he was not baptized yet when the events occurred chances are extremely extremely low.  

**** Important: New members are generally required to wait a year to attend the temple (time for their foundational roots to grow).   So even if this had not occurred, you two could not get sealed in the temple tomorrow anyways. *****

13 minutes ago, turtle12 said:

And if I were excommunicated, would my parents somehow find out since I'm sealed to them? 

Quit worrying about your parents.  And give the Bishop a little credit for discretion. 

Edited by Jane_Doe
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19 minutes ago, turtle12 said:

Thank you so much for your responses everyone! My husband and I talked and we both agreed to talk to our bishop ASAP. I've waited for years to go to the temple and I don't want to lie to get there. When we go, I want it to be a truly wonderful and joyous experience and I know it won't feel that way if we are feeling bad for being there unworthy. This is hard, but I'm really glad to know I won't need to carry this heavy burden much longer. 

My husband has only been a member for a couple months and we've only been married a couple months. Would he have a higher risk of being excommunicated being such a new member? 

And if I were excommunicated, would my parents somehow find out since I'm sealed to them? 

I'm really hoping and praying we don't get excommunicated, I can't imagine having something so precious taken from us both because of our foolish mistakes. I wish so bad we could go back in time :(

I'd say that being a new member would give him a greater excuse since he's only begun on the path.  It is understood he'd probably stumble more than a person who was raised in the faith.  And similar for you who was coming out of inactivity.

That doesn't make it any more or less wrong.  But it does make it more forgivable (IMHO).

Now, I'm puzzled. You say he's only been a member a few months.  But he's ok to go to the temple?  He got clearance to go to the temple before the usual 1 year waiting period?

Well, there's your excuse to your parents if you're still worried about it.  Tell them that after further discussions with the bishop that you decided it would be better to wait the normal 1-year waiting period anyway.

Edited by Guest
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Just now, Carborendum said:

I'd say that being a new member would give him a greater excuse since he's only begun on the path.  It is understood he'd probably stumble more than a person who was raised in the faith.  But that doesn't change the punishment.

Now, I'm puzzled. You say he's only been a member a few months.  But he's ok to go to the temple?  He got clearance to go to the temple before the usual 1 year waiting period?

Well, there's your excuse to your parents if you're still worried about it.  Tell them that after further discussions with the bishop that you decided it would be better to wait the normal 1-year waiting period anyway.

New members can do baptisms for the dead at the temple.

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We were planning to go to the temple on our one year anniversary, (we were married two months after he joined) so we still have a few months until then. 

But I was thinking if we were disfellowshipped or excommunicated, it would take longer than a few months to complete the repentance process and get a temple recommend. From what I've read, something like disfellowshipment can last a year or so. I know it's a case by case thing, but that seems to be the common time frame from what I've read. 

Edited by turtle12
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3 minutes ago, turtle12 said:

We were planning to go to the temple on our one year anniversary, (we were married two months after he joined) so we still have a few months until then. 

But I was thinking if we were disfellowshipped or excommunicated, it would take longer than a few months to complete the repentance process and get a temple recommend. From what I've read, something like disfellowshipment can last a year or so. I know it's a case by case thing, but that seems to be the common time frame from what I've read. 

Talk to the Bishop.  Tell him the sorrow you feel right now, your desire to repent, your desire to be sealed, etc.  From the sound of it you're already walking strong down the repentance road.

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8 minutes ago, turtle12 said:

We were planning to go to the temple on our one year anniversary, (we were married two months after he joined) so we still have a few months until then. 

But I was thinking if we were disfellowshipped or excommunicated, it would take longer than a few months to complete the repentance process and get a temple recommend. From what I've read, something like disfellowshipment can last a year or so. I know it's a case by case thing, but that seems to be the common time frame from what I've read. 

Got it.

The biggest thing is going to be your remorse and your willingness/desire to repent.  I'm not your bishop.  And he's got the final say on that.  But it just doesn't seem reasonable that excommunication would be appropriate in you circumstance.  Maybe disfellowshipping for a while.  But whatever the case, keep your eye on the glory of God, not your own comfort.  That attitude will always carry you through.

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5 minutes ago, turtle12 said:

We were planning to go to the temple on our one year anniversary, (we were married two months after he joined) so we still have a few months until then. 

But I was thinking if we were disfellowshipped or excommunicated, it would take longer than a few months to complete the repentance process and get a temple recommend. From what I've read, something like disfellowshipment can last a year or so. I know it's a case by case thing, but that seems to be the common time frame from what I've read. 

Yes that is true.

Chances are whatever action is taken will extend beyond the year mark.  So if your parents are paying attention they will learn something is up when that happens.  This is unavoidable.  However the details of how much they know should totally be in the hands of you and your spouse, and there is no requirement that you share anything with them.

 

 

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First thing I would do, though difficult, would be to let go of any concern for what your parents might do or say. You and your husband are now one flesh, and if sealed, an Eternal family (assuming you honor the covenants.)  At this point your parents are backdrop, and their hyperbolic snowflake breakdowns are not helpful and are irrelevant to your purposes on this earth.

I think it's consensus here that you need to tell the bishop, because this kind of thing may require Church discipline. But simply telling the bishop is not repentance. If you're tired of the guilt you must have genuine godly sorrow and be truly penitent and humble before your Father. He understands that we often sin out of unmet emotional needs or otherwise (to paraphrase Spencer Kimball.)

 

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4 minutes ago, estradling75 said:

Yes that is true.

Chances are whatever action is taken will extend beyond the year mark.  So if your parents are paying attention they will learn something is up when that happens.  This is unavoidable.  However the details of how much they know should totally be in the hands of you and your spouse, and there is no requirement that you share anything with them.

IMO, all your parents need to know is that you are being diligent in preparing yourselves to make eternal covenants.  Entirely true regardless of how you're preparing and all they need to know.

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My cousin was in a similar situation that you are in now.  Although I think her first husband wasn't such a bad guy. Suffice it to say, She found someone else, wanted a divorce, she and her "boyfriend" got pregnant,  got a divorce from first husband and then married the boyfriend. She did not get excommunicated. But is going through the repentance process. They are working in being sealed in the temple. 

Even though you will have to repent, it doesn't  necessarily mean you are going to be excommunicated. Each person is different, each bishop is different.

I don't think your parents need to know. And they won't find out, unless you tell them  or you tell someone who will tell them. It's a private matter between, you, the Lord and the Bishop (and of course your husband).

Edited by miav
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4 hours ago, turtle12 said:

My sister had previously done the same thing and when my parents found out, they told her they hated her and pretty much disowned her and her boyfriend for a time. Eventually they got over it, but at the time it was a huge mess. I can't stomach the idea of getting a reaction like that from them.

This is what my father did to me and my wife. . . and that was just when I told him we were getting married (we did not fornicate).  Granted, my father is Muslim and desperately did not want me to marry a member of the Church.  Also, I did not see it coming, often the anticipation of pain has a much worse effect than the pain itself.

My advice is to rip the band-aid off and fast.  You need to talk to the bishop ASAP!  This is the only way to do it right!  Also, a couple married outside the temple usually can't get married in the temple for one whole year after their civil marriage.  Have you already postponed repenting for that long?  If so, I am sincerely sorry for the painful burden you have born.  I plead with you, just go repent, and let what happens happen.

After speaking with the bishop and getting advice on the time frame for your repentance process, you could set a temple marriage 'goal date'.  You can tell your parents that you want to make sure you are both fully prepared to enter into the covenants you will make in the temple and that you are studying and praying together and anticipate being able to be married on [insert goal date].  This is both truthful and not revealing of the information you are concerned about, it also gives yourself ad parents something to plan for.  From there you work with your bishop to truly repent and be ready to be married that day!

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3 hours ago, turtle12 said:

We were planning to go to the temple on our one year anniversary, (we were married two months after he joined) so we still have a few months until then. 

But I was thinking if we were disfellowshipped or excommunicated, it would take longer than a few months to complete the repentance process and get a temple recommend. From what I've read, something like disfellowshipment can last a year or so. I know it's a case by case thing, but that seems to be the common time frame from what I've read. 

If I were a betting man, I would say you had little to no chance of being excommunicated.Did you goof up yes, but not being previously endowed is in your favor in this instance.

Since your husband has only been a member for a few months he is in no danger.

Go see your Bishop, quite worrying about the what ifs.

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