I fell in love with my missionary and now I'm confused:(

[Mormonjennymissouri]

I'll start from the beginning.  I went out of state for school and was feeling extremely homesick and lonely.  I came from a town that was predominately Mormon even though I wasn't a member of the church.  I decided I wanted to start going to church since this was kind of a fresh start and reached out to the LDS church since it was what I was familiar with growing up.  I was actually planning to investigate a few different churches but never got that far. 

Missionaries got in contact with me and we started having lessons.  Everything was going well.  They were so great and seemed to really care about me.  Eventually I decided I didn't need to investigate anymore and went forward and got baptized by the missionary that I really bonded with.  After baptism they continued to teach me for about 6 months.  The missionary that baptized me was there for all 6 of them but with different companions.  He became my mentor and best friend.

Eventually he got transferred to a new area and he sent me an email confessing his feelings for me.  He still had 7 months left on his mission, and we decided to keep in touch.

We wrote to one a other every single week.  I would tell him about church that week, he'd send me stuff to read. We'd send pictures and videos back and forth and talk about how we couldn't wait to finally be together.  A few other guys in the ward asked me out but I prayed about it and felt I should wait for him. So I waited for him the remainder of his mission, and he knew I was waiting.

Fast forward to the end of his mission.  He flew out to see me 2 weeks after he got home (I paid for him to come out since he didn't have a job yet) and it was the best time ever.  We took a road trip to see LDS temples and were all over each other the whole time, although things went a lot further than I had wanted/anticipated.  I felt a but sad about it afterwards (because I'd been following the word of wisdom since I joined) but thought it didn't matter because he loved me.

Near the end of the trip, he said that he was so happy he finally got to make out and be with me, and that it was all he thought about since he met me that first lesson. 

I asked him what was next and he said it probably had to be goodbye.  That his family probably wouldn't accept me (because I'm a couple years older and recent convert) and he had to finish school and he wants to experience other women before he settles down.

i was devastated.  After he left I was so depressed.  He wanted to keep in touch but I couldn't.  Not after he rejected me.  I also stopped going to church.  I just couldn't go and face everyone.  Plus he was with me the whole journey and i feel lost now without him.  We had talked about my endowment, getting married and the future and now it all seems so pointless alone.

i ended up talking to him on the phone last night and now I'm feeling even worse:(. He wanted to make sure I was going to church. He apologized for using me to fulfill his 'fantasies' and said that he still cared about me and we could still maybe work out.  He lives only 3 hours from my hometown, but he's saying his family thinks it's weird that he's dating the girl he baptized and they think he's just infactuated.  They think he should focus on more "appropriate" women and be serious about his future.

i'm just feeling so hurt, confused and depressed.  I know I'm not feeling like going to church anymore because it reminds me of him and I'm trying to heal.  I just cant separate my thoughts of him from the church.  

I'm sorry this is so long. But I would be so grateful for any advice anyone has for me. 

Edited August 9, 2017 by Mormonjennymissouri

[Jane_Doe]

For starters, I'm sorry this happened to you.  This missionary sinned and treated you very wrongly.  He should never have entertained a crush on you, nor wrote you about it, nor treated the way he did afterwards (that was despicable).  There is a reason missionaries are STRICTLY forbidden to date and to "lock their heart away" to romantic relationships.   His behavior is nothing short of sinful.  

46 minutes ago, Mormonjennymissouri said:

Near the end of the trip, he said that he was so happy he finally got to make out and be with me, and that it was all he thought about since he met me that first lesson. 

I asked him what was next and he said it probably had to be goodbye.  That his family probably wouldn't accept me (because I'm a couple years older and recent convert) and he had to finish school and he wants to experience other women before he settles down.

Completely despicable and deceitful behavior all around (on his part).  And the family thing he said is nothing more than an excuse and probably completely false.  Not that it matters- this dude is clearly someone who needs to be shown the door.

46 minutes ago, Mormonjennymissouri said:

i was devastated.  After he left I was so depressed. 

Completely understandable. 

46 minutes ago, Mormonjennymissouri said:

i ended up talking to him on the phone last night and now I'm feeling even worse:(. He wanted to make sure I was going to church. He apologized for using me to fulfill his 'fantasies' and said that he still cared about me and we could still maybe work out.  He lives only 3 hours from my hometown, but he's saying his family thinks it's weird that he's dating the girl he baptized and they think he's just infactuated.  They think he should focus on more "appropriate" women and be serious about his future.

His excuse is probably bunk, but it doesn't matter.  Don't let this player back into your life- and yes, he is a player.

46 minutes ago, Mormonjennymissouri said:

i'm just feeling so hurt, confused and depressed.  I know I'm not feeling like going to church anymore because it reminds me of him and I'm trying to heal.  I just cant separate my thoughts of him from the church.  

I'm sorry this is so long. But I would be so grateful for any advice anyone has for me. 

Did you join the Church of Elder Jones?  Or the Church of Jesus Christ?  You are NOT alone- you have Christ- you committed yourself to Christ and He to you.  Don't forget that commitment, that flame, that Truth.  Don't let Elder Jones-the-sinful-idiot stand between you and Christ.  

[Guest]

I am sorry this happened to you.  This missionary sounds like a real creep who has disgraced everything missionaries are supposed to represent.  I agree, you should cut this missionary out of your life now, and not let him back in.  He is not good for you, your emotions, or your testimony.  He will not make a good, loving, faithful husband.  Frankly, he is not worthy of you.  (I do suspect that this missionary may have some kind of personality disorder from the sound of things).  I would not accept any more letters, phone calls, or visits from this missionary.  Instead, once you feel up to it, go to the singles ward and find a real man, who will love, cherish, and stand by you and help you live the gospel.

The Lord sometimes sends us trials, to help us grow, to teach us, and to prepare us to return to Him.  Everyone goes through at least one very difficult trial at some point in their lives.  The Lord wants to see if we will follow Him, even when things have completely gone wrong.  Unfortunately, it looks like this missionary may be a very difficult early trial for you.

I know it is hard (and I know how I would feel if I were in your shoes), but please try to keep your feelings regarding the Church separate from your feelings regarding this missionary.  There is no doubt, this missionary is a horrible person who hurt you deeply.  But please remember, even though this missionary was a horrible person, the Church is true!  The Church has lots of wonderful things to offer you, including the peace that comes through a personal relationship with Christ and the promise of eternal life.  Please don't let this horrible experience with this horrible missionary get in the way of your relationship with the Church.  (And no, this horrible missionary is in no way representative of the rest of us!)

If you are having trouble splitting your feelings for the Church and your feelings for this missionary apart, may I suggest getting on your knees and having an honest, frank conversation with God?  Prayer can be a powerful tool in helping us sort out our feelings, even in very difficult and complex situations like this one.

 

Edited August 9, 2017 by DoctorLemon

[Vort]

2 hours ago, Mormonjennymissouri said:

I asked him what was next and he said it probably had to be goodbye.  That his family probably wouldn't accept me (because I'm a couple years older and recent convert) and he had to finish school and he wants to experience other women before he settles down.

This missionary suffers from some combination of extreme emotional immaturity and sociopathy. Please strive not to let his dishonesty and appalling treatment of you sour your attitude toward the Church you joined. The Church is true, even when a member acts like a scoundrel.

And please, for your own sake, try to get over any feelings of affection for him that might remain. He will always have been an important part of your life due to your conversion, but let it end there.

Edited August 9, 2017 by Vort

[askandanswer]

Pretty much nobody gets a free ride when they join the church. The trials always come, either before baptism, in which case some decide not to proceed to baptism, or shortly after baptism, in which case some decide to fall away. There is enormous variety in the trials people have, but there is no variety in the fact that they come. There is also very little variety in how people respond to the trials: it's usually either growth or failure, with the decision as to which it will be being made by the person experiencing the trial. I recommend you choose faith, happiness, progression, repentance and righteousness rather than bitterness, failure, regret, loneliness and despair.

[Sunday21]

I am so sorry. This man used you. 

The church is still true. I would go to church and make friends.

Try pouring your heart out to God.

Despicable man.

[Midwest LDS]

I'm sorry this happened to you. Your missionary was supposed to be a servant of our Savior and he abused that trust. He is, quite frankly, a jerk. But please don't let his behavior sour you to the Restored Gospel of Christ. There have always been, and always will be, members who fail to live up to the standards they should, but the message is still true. I'll be praying for you.

[Latter-Day Marriage]

You deserve better than this guy.  He was breaking mission rules carrying on a long distance relationship with you while on his mission, and it was selfish and cruel of him to use you like that and toss you aside. 

Just because he is a flawed person doesn't mean the church isn't true and I think you know that.  Go back to church and make memories there that don't involve him.  Live the gospel and serve others, meet other members, let go of him and move on to find guy worthy of you who will take you to the temple and be with you forever.  Somewhere in some ward out there is a guy who will make you feel glad that you didn't wind up with that one.  Go find him. 

[estradling75]

I realize that its going to go against the grain here... because it is common to bash and villain-ize the man whenever he does something wrong (and he did do something wrong).

But I just don't think a callous user of women would reach out to the women in question after he got what he wanted.  To me that strikes as the actions of a conflicted young man.  A young man whose mind and family is saying one thing but heart and hormones are saying another and he has not resolved the conflict.

Sadly you got caught in his conflict, and unless you cut him off you are at risk of being pulled in and hurt again.

You can't control or resolve this conflict for him.  (Only he can do that)  The only options you have is to control you.  You can choose to continue and risk further hurt and sin or you can cut him off and out of your life.  Sadly I doubt either of your choice are appealing to you, but life does not always give us what we want.

 

 

 

[Guest]

4 hours ago, estradling75 said:

a callous user of women would reach out to the women in question after he got what he wanted. 

While I agree with most of your sentiment, I don't believe this ^^ statement is necessarily true.  I had a roommate who did exactly that.  Some have called him a rapist for the way he manipulated women.  I don't know if I can call it that from what I saw.  I never saw any evidence of force.  But he was a user and a manipulator.  The only reason he stayed "nice" to the women in question was that he figured he could get "more" later just by saying the right words.

[Mormonjennymissouri]

Thank you so much for your feedback. It's true that i joined the church for Jesus and not for the missionary.  My mind is just clouded right now.  He had such a huge impact on my life. I don't believe he's a bad person.  I just wish he hadn't acted on his feelings when they were so fleeting.  He really made me believe I was the one for him.  I just really miss him, but talking to him now doesn't feel the same:(

Edited August 11, 2017 by Mormonjennymissouri

[Midwest LDS]

I completely understand heartache and betrayel are awful feelings especially from someone who should know better and, who you reasonably thought, loved you. But hold tight to your testimony sister, and Christ can bring you through this trial and help lift you up again☺

[Jane_Doe]

7 hours ago, Mormonjennymissouri said:

Thank you so much for your feedback. It's true that i joined the church for Jesus and not for the missionary.  My mind is just clouded right now.  He had such a huge impact on my life. I don't believe he's a bad person.  I just wish he hadn't acted on his feelings when they were so fleeting.  He really made me believe I was the one for him.  I just really miss him, but talking to him now doesn't feel the same:(

By introducing you to a better relationship with Christ, he's always going to have had a big impact on your life.  That's a huge transformation.

But that doesn't mean he's going to be romantically involved in your future, or even friendship wise involved.  It sounds like taking some space/time to have a breather could be really good for both of you.  Note: breathers don't have to be permeant by any stretch.  Just some time for both of you to strengthen your individual anchors in Christ.

[NeuroTypical]

On 8/8/2017 at 10:37 PM, Mormonjennymissouri said:

We took a road trip to see LDS temples and were all over each other the whole time, although things went a lot further than I had wanted/anticipated.  I felt a but sad about it afterwards (because I'd been following the word of wisdom since I joined) but thought it didn't matter because he loved me.
...
I asked him what was next and he said it probably had to be goodbye.
...
i was devastated.  After he left I was so depressed.  He wanted to keep in touch but I couldn't.  Not after he rejected me.
...
i'm just feeling so hurt, confused and depressed.  

Lust sucks before you're married.  After you're married, lust is great.  But before then, it makes you do dumb things and hurts you, especially when you confuse lust for love.

There never was any love here.  Just your infatuation and his lust.

My advice, learn from this.  Give your feelings time to recede.  They will.  Stay active, and think about the difference between lust, infatuation, and love.  You'll be ok, just not today.  Just give it time.

[Latter-Day Marriage]

On 2017-08-11 at 10:58 AM, NeuroTypical said:

After you're married, lust is great.

 

There is a difference between desire and lust.  We are made to feel sexual desire for someone, and God gave us that to draw us into marriage, it is not a bad thing.  Lust is when you put satisfying that desire above keeping the commandments of God.  So after you are married you can't lust for your spouse, it is a righteous desire.

 

Edited August 14, 2017 by Latter-Day Marriage

[anatess2]

15 hours ago, Latter-Day Marriage said:

There is a difference between desire and lust.  We are made to feel sexual desire for someone, and God gave us that to draw us into marriage, it is not a bad thing.  Lust is when you put satisfying that desire above keeping the commandments of God.  So after you are married you can't lust for your spouse, it is a righteous desire.

 

The way I understand it.  Lust is a form of desire.  Lust is carnal desire.  Carnal desire - before or after marriage - is a Natural Man thing and is the enemy of God.  I believe that you can still have unrighteous desire if you let your carnality rule your marriage.  That's why marital relations are supposed to be a give and not merely a take - the spiritual desire of giving joy rather than carnal desire of taking joy.

Edited August 14, 2017 by anatess2

[Latter-Day Marriage]

4 hours ago, anatess2 said:

The way I understand it.  Lust is a form of desire.  Lust is carnal desire.  Carnal desire - before or after marriage - is a Natural Man thing and is the enemy of God.  I believe that you can still have unrighteous desire if you let your carnality rule your marriage.  That's why marital relations are supposed to be a give and not merely a take - the spiritual desire of giving joy rather than carnal desire of taking joy.

And what you define as a 'carnal' desire as opposed to an appropriate desire?  The desire to be sexually intimate is not wrong, even before marriage, God made us to feel those feelings and they are intended to serve his purpose of having men and women pair up, get married and have families.  The desire itself is not evil and not a sin, it is what we do with it that is right or wrong.  If you harness (bridle) it to keep yourself within the commandments of God and use it to create joy and pleasure in marriage then that is not lust no matter how intense that desire is.  If you let it run wild and sweep you away into breaking commandments or treating your spouse in an unchristlike way, that is wrong.

[anatess2]

6 hours ago, Latter-Day Marriage said:

And what you define as a 'carnal' desire as opposed to an appropriate desire?  The desire to be sexually intimate is not wrong, even before marriage, God made us to feel those feelings and they are intended to serve his purpose of having men and women pair up, get married and have families.  The desire itself is not evil and not a sin, it is what we do with it that is right or wrong.  If you harness (bridle) it to keep yourself within the commandments of God and use it to create joy and pleasure in marriage then that is not lust no matter how intense that desire is.  If you let it run wild and sweep you away into breaking commandments or treating your spouse in an unchristlike way, that is wrong.

You're saying the same thing I'm saying.  Natural man.  Enemy to God.  That's pretty straightforward.  Right?  I was simply pointing out that Lust CAN exist (as in, acted upon) after marriage... and it would still be wrong unless tempered by the spirit (in which case it is not lust anymore).

Edited August 15, 2017 by anatess2

[Bad Karma]

Wow, what a train wreck in and of itself. That RM is **NOT** the church. The Church DOES have some really jerky people in it, but jerky people are everywhere, including our church. Never the less, you have so much left to experience in the church, and over time, THE TEMPLE! TADA!!!!! Your LDS  husband is out there somewhere, and in the fullness of time, you'll find one another. You won't have to drag him off, he'll come along at a pace parallel to you. For now, go to church, focus on your classes and such, get yourself in a good place in your mind for your temple prep class if it is not that far off. (I don't know much about you) 

[Latter-Day Marriage]

11 hours ago, Bad Karma said:

Wow, what a train wreck in and of itself. That RM is **NOT** the church. The Church DOES have some really jerky people in it, but jerky people are everywhere, including our church. Never the less, you have so much left to experience in the church, and over time, THE TEMPLE! TADA!!!!! Your LDS  husband is out there somewhere, and in the fullness of time, you'll find one another. You won't have to drag him off, he'll come along at a pace parallel to you. For now, go to church, focus on your classes and such, get yourself in a good place in your mind for your temple prep class if it is not that far off. (I don't know much about you) 

We tell out kids to don't go out looking for 'the one' be the one somebody else is looking for.

[seashmore]

On 8/15/2017 at 5:54 PM, Latter-Day Marriage said:

We tell out kids to don't go out looking for 'the one' be the one somebody else is looking for.

I teach my Young Women (mostly by example...haha) to be the kind of person you wish to marry. That way, if your knight in shining armor gets attacked by dragons or Vikings before he can reach you, you can still find satisfaction in your life choices.

[Dillon]

You cant go to church because your "fling" missionary guy dumped you? Are you serious?  I dont want to sound mean, but you need to hear this,  Get over it!

[Jane_Doe]

6 minutes ago, Dillon said:

You cant go to church because your "fling" missionary guy dumped you? Are you serious?  I dont want to sound mean, but you need to hear this,  Get over it!

Dillon, let us be KIND to those who are hurting.  

[eddified]

People who are hurting due to being dumped/being used must go through the stages of grief. There are no shortcuts. But she will get over it, it just takes time. 

Edited August 18, 2017 by eddified

[Suzie]

He is a jerk (that's NOT the word I want to use).

He used you.

He is probably making false excuses to make you feel sorry for him.

Even though you miss him, you need to stop communicating with him and focus on healing. Stop watching his pictures or FB or anything that reminds you of him. This is the ONLY way you will get over him. Give it some time. And if you think you still want him, think again...do you really want a future with someone who used you? I doubt it.