My Journey with the Church

[clbent04]

I grew up in the church and have been a member my whole life.  Active and inactive.  Mostly active.  That is until 2 years ago when I stopped going to church altogether.  I'll rewind from there and give you the full story.

I grew up in Texas in a Mormon household with 3 siblings, and we had a great upbringing.  My Mom was definitely more into the church than my Dad.  My Dad mainly converted to make my Mom happy before they got married.  Nonetheless, he took us to church regularly and served in various callings in the church.  He saw the church as a good structure for us kids and supported our involvement even though he would never say the LDS church is the one and only true church or anything to that nature.

I believed in the church growing up even though I never considered myself a very spiritual person.  And I didn’t really pay much attention to the various lessons and talks all those years.  I found church to be very boring as a kid/teenager.  They were the longest three hours of the week.  But I believed nonetheless because of the occasional positive feelings I would receive.  I participated in the youth programs, went to seminary, went home teaching with my Dad for a period of time, prayed to God on my own initiative and read the scriptures occasionally.  Although I didn’t prepare myself sufficiently growing up to receive a solid confirmation of the truthfulness of the gospel, I always felt a strong connection to my Savior and His atonement for us, and I always strived to maintain that positive relationship.

I always had it in my mind growing up that I would serve a mission and not just because I knew it would make my Mom happy.  I wanted to.  Even though I wasn’t the most dedicated member, I felt it was the right thing to do.  And I thought of how much more I would learn about the gospel and develop my own testimony. So I put in my papers and was called to serve in a stateside Spanish-speaking mission.

2006

I was excited as a fresh missionary. I felt grateful to be serving.  I also enjoyed learning a new language. And then, early on in my mission, maybe 2-3 months, I started wondering how converted I was to the gospel. What spiritual confirmations did I have leading up to that point?  I did have positive feelings of the church before, but I realized I had never taken it upon myself to follow the very advice we teach as missionaries: If you have questions, ask God, and the Holy Spirit will bear witness to you of truth through positive feelings. 

So I prayed asking if Joseph Smith was a true prophet.  I prayed for quite some time.  I would ask the Lord to please let me know if Joseph was a true prophet, then pause and repeat.  I did this over and over again until I said “Joseph Smith was a prophet of God.”  I stopped and thought to myself, did I just make a statement rather than a question?  That seemed to me to be an answer in itself.  I thought I had a good feeling from the prayer, but nothing amazing.  I questioned if it was an answer or if I had just said it myself without receiving revelation since I had been praying for so long asking the same question.  But it was good enough to keep me going as a missionary for a period of time. 

At the 5-6 month mark, I really began questioning what I was doing serving a mission.  I had to be honest with myself at that point that I really didn’t know if the church was true.  The only time in my life I had undoubtedly experienced the Holy Spirit was when I prayed to God for forgiveness of my sins and felt the merciful forgiveness made possible through Jesus Christ the Redeemer.  After evaluating what I knew to be true, and what I didn’t, I made the decision to meet with my mission president. 

At the 9-10 month mark, I told the mission president I was ready to go home.  How could I continue preaching the gospel when I hadn’t fully accepted it myself?  I was miserable with the feeling of being a hypocrite.  I didn’t want to be at conflict with myself anymore.  I told the mission president all of this, and how I initially thought I would find my testimony after I came out to serve a mission, albeit I know that’s not the way you’re supposed to do it.  I told him of my attempts to find the truth, and that I had decided I needed to call it quits.  After almost a year of no improvement in terms of receiving a confirmation of the church, I thought that was a fair enough time to give it a shot.  He asked if I would give it another 3 months to see if anything changed, and I agreed.  Nothing did change and a little after I hit my 1-year mark I returned home to Texas.

2007

Once I got home I started wondering which church was the true church of God.  I attended services of other faiths, studied other religions, and even took a world’s religion class in college.  I decided I was a non-denominational Christian at that point, and continued looking for answers over the next 2 years.

2009

Funny enough, it was only after I had served my 1-year mission and after the vain attempts I had made at finding the truth that I discovered the Mormon Church was the answer all along!  What wasn’t funny was how it happened.  At age 23, both my parents died in a tragic way that left me and my siblings in complete shock.  My youngest sibling was 14 at the time.  Shortly after receiving the news, I received several blessings of comfort from Church leaders.  On four separate occasions over the course of four days I met with different Church leaders and received the same experience each time.  The Church leader would lay his hands upon my head and spoke through the inspiration of the Holy Ghost.  Almost instantly I felt the power of Holy Ghost fall upon me as if I was on fire.  I felt the warmth of the love of God within me.  It was as if I was completely enveloped by this warm, radiating presence.  It never left me, not once, for four days straight.  I was able to physically and spiritually feel the warm radiance of the Spirit of God.

So it was through the power of the Priesthood that my spiritual understanding was opened up and I was converted as a believer of the gospel.  As for why I hadn’t received a testimony of the church previous to this experience, the truth is, I could have received an answer, but I had not prepared sufficiently, and my heart wasn’t broken enough for the Lord to reach me.  But that experience alone established deep convictions within me of the church.  And I have had many spiritual experiences since then reaffirming the same knowledge.  

I went back to church on a regular basis, attended the temple fairly regularly, testified of the power of the Priesthood often, did my home teaching, held various callings including serving as 2^nd counselor in the Elder’s Quorum presidency, and really enjoyed all of it.  I even dated a non-member who ended up becoming a convert, and we are currently happily married with a 9-month old baby.

2015

So to throw a wrench in the story, the reason why I stopped going to church two years ago is because I haven’t been able to break my addiction to pornography (sorry to kill the upbeat tempo).  Not that quitting is hard.  It’s like Mark Twain said about smoking, “Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.”  I think I might have even read a version of that quote on this site somewhere the other day.

I was first exposed to pornography when I was 11 years old.  20 years later and I still haven’t been able to get away from it.  I was always open and honest with church leaders about the issue, followed through with all their advice (that is, of course, everything but the forsaking the sin part), but I could never find the resolve to stay away for very long.  Besides when I had served my 1-year mission, the longest time I was able to stay away from it was for a 4-month stretch.

There is nothing more I would like to accomplish in this world than to break this habit once and for all.  I just don’t know how to do it.  I’ve met with numerous bishops, went to a church psychologist on my own initiative, and made I don’t know how many promises to myself and the Lord to put it all behind me.  Some people say pride is the greatest tool of the Devil.  I would say that is definitely not true in my case.  Despair has been far more effective.

It was two years ago that I made some conclusions that really got me down.  I’m 29 years old at the time realizing I haven’t been able to kick a habit that’s been affecting me since adolescence, and I think, if I haven’t been able to break this habit by now, I’m never going to change.  I came to the despairing conclusion I don’t have enough resolve. 

On top of that, the Church tells us how monumentally important it is to obey the Law of Chasity. Think of how uniquely often the Law of Chasity is commanded of us to obey.  I believe the Lord puts so much emphasis on the Law of Chasity because the sacredness of the power of procreation goes well beyond this life.  Do you truly think God would entrust someone with the powers of divine and eternal procreation who does not does not end up mastering the Law of Chasity in this life?  I understand the Lord is merciful and grace makes up the difference for what we fall short of, but I also understand the Law of Chasity is held to a much stricter and less lenient standard than most commandments.

That said, I firmly believe the Law of Chasity is the main defining test the Lord will use in sifting the wheat from the tares, i.e, those who will receive Celestial glory versus those who don’t.  I have conceded that it is very unlikely, to the point of hopeless despair, that I will ever make it to the Celestial Kingdom.  Two years ago was the first time in my life I had ever conceded to anything less than the aspirations of wanting to return to live in the presence of God. 

The final conclusion I made was, if I can’t make it to the Celestial Kingdom based on my inability to quit looking at porn, why should I even go to church?  What’s the point?  If I’ve already pegged myself as ending up in the Terrestrial Kingdom (see post on Few Will Find Celestial Glory), everyone who ends up there isn’t required to do all tasks expected of a Mormon, so why should I?  And there it is.  Despair ultimately destroyed my optimism of obtaining Eternal Life, and has left me with my sad, pathetic acceptance of mediocrity.

2017

So here I am, two years later, and although I still know the Church and the gospel to be true, I’m at a loss feeling I’m just not good enough to make the cut.  I know the gospel works, but I’ve proven to myself I’m not determined enough to allow the gospel to work for me.  I’m left with admitting I’m not good enough for the Celestial Kingdom because I lack character and resolve.  I know it’s not impossible to obey the Law of Chasity.  I personally know maybe 10 to 15 men who strictly follow the Law of Chasity.  I look up to and respect these men in the highest regard.  One was a former stake president of mine.  Counseling me one time, he said when he was called to his position as stake president, the general authority looked at him right in the eyes and said, “brother, do you have any involvement in any shape or form with the viewing of pornography?”, to which he confidently responded, “No, I am clean.”  What I would give to be able to say that. 

I’ve been so down about this that I’ve had zero interaction with the church the past two years.  But now, for the first time in a long time, I’ve started to feel bits of hope come back to me just from joining this website a week or so ago.  I’ve received some really great feedback to questions I’ve had a very long time, questions I’ve never fully vetted with anyone before.  I think the members on here who are truly trying to help those in need are really great missionaries and friends to this community, and just great people in general.  So thanks to the creators of this website and its contributors.

I’m someone who knows that "the Church is true” (I’m using this phrase sincerely and also in honor of @Vort and @Carborendum).  This is based on me receiving the witness I did of the power of the Priesthood, and also other experiences I had within the Church from 2009 – 2015.  I have a long ways to go if I can ever dig myself out of the hole I’m in, and I also have a few kinks in my testimony, but it was nice the other day to feel a bit of hope again.

I wanted to write all this to clear the air on who I really am and where I come from for the benefit of people like @Grunt.  I know I have a lot of questions that are phrased differently than what a typical member might ask, but they’re not intended to come across as negative, and they especially aren’t meant to come across as attacking the church. The only thing I’ve attacked is a small piece of the culture that has grown around the church.  For the most part (like 95 percent) the church has a great culture.  And also understand that I know a lot of my posts might not have answers others can provide.  I’m mostly seeking perspective in a lot of cases.  And I don’t need to find answers to every single question in order for me to have a testimony of the church.  I already do have a testimony of the church regardless.  Your answers and perspective only help strengthen my testimony of the church (at least from most of you, okay maybe half haha).

Edited August 12, 2017 by clbent04

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

Thanks for sharing this.  I'm so sorry about your parents, I realize that was not recent, recent enough . . .  

Keep remembering the peace and comfort that you were given after your parents died...that experience is a witness of the Lord's love for you.  And that love is why you need to return to the church.  Don't worry for now about what kingdom you will end up in.  Focus on the Savior's love, and strive to follow His way because He loves you and you want to reciprocate that love.  Then see the miracles He can work in your life.  I don't promise it will be immediate...like getting your testimony it may take years, but it will happen if you don't give up.  My mom was less active, and she always told me that she knew the church was true and would return when she was ready....she never made it.  She could have used that peace and comfort in her life.  So don't wait!  

[Sunday21]

Thank you for sharing. You have had a troubled road. I don't envy you.

There are quite a few here that have experienced problems with prnography. Perhaps, they have some suggestions?

[askandanswer]

On my phone, in my gospel library app under the family tab, there is something called the Addiction Recovery Porgram: A Guide to Addiction Recovery and Healing. I look forward to hearing your views tomorrow on how helpful you think it will be and how you will use it in your ongoing efforts at recovery

[Grunt]

Your posts are confusing to me.  In one post you say you're looking for the true church and don't have a testimony, but in this post, you say you know this to be true and do have a testimony. Which is it?

I'm not a Mormon, so you should probably only listen to half of what I say.

It would seem you DO know the truth, so you will be judged more harshly than a fool such as myself.  It almost appears you are trying to convince yourself that you don't know the truth so you can avoid accountability.  It's too late for that.  

You can kick this, though.  Have you spoken to your wife about this?  Gone to a counselor?  Attended a group?  The bad news is you'll likely struggle with this for the rest of your life.  The good news is this is a constant reminder of your commitment to God and He notices your struggle.  You are a man.  You aren't expected to be perfect.  I don't believe God only rewards those who are 100% successful in following His law.  If he did there would be nobody in the Celestial Kingdom as you understand it.  Nobody.  I believe he rewards us for our belief, commitment, and sincere struggle.  After all, isn't that part of the experience?

This is not insurmountable.  Most addiction recoveries involve a declaration of intent, family support, and outside intervention.  If you're sincere this time, you can accomplish it.

Edited August 10, 2017 by Grunt

[Sunday21]

@Grunt,

You are awesome. 

[pam]

3 minutes ago, Sunday21 said:

@Grunt,

You are awesome. 

I think so too.

 

[Midwest LDS]

I feel for you brother. There are a lot of us who have struggled with this very same addiction. I myself once asked if I would ever be truly clean from this addiction. I served a full time mission, was completely honest with my wife, went to see Bishops and Stake presidents, and did everything they asked including addiction recovery meetings and was still unsuccessful. But I just could not quit. I knew the Gospel of Jesus Christ was true and so after every single failure I dragged myself back up again. I was determined to overcome this and I knew Christ had promised he could save me and that he was not a liar. I finally had a miraculous response to prayer that led me to a piece of software called Accountable2You. It allowed me to link my wife into all of my internet accounts including my phone. It was like having her with me strengthening me 24/7. This combined with my Bishop's inspired council finally got me off the endless cycle of confession, repentance, and relapse. I don't know if my answer is your answer brother, but I want you to know you can do it. If the Lord saved me, and he did, he can save you too. But you won't be able to save yourself so come back with the Saints. Even if you can't have a calling or partake of the Sacrament it's better to be trying to get yourself right than to quit. I understand where you are coming from and I wish you the best☺

[Grunt]

5 minutes ago, Midwest LDS said:

I feel for you brother. There are a lot of us who have struggled with this very same addiction. I myself once asked if I would ever be truly clean from this addiction. I served a full time mission, was completely honest with my wife, went to see Bishops and Stake presidents, and did everything they asked including addiction recovery meetings and was still unsuccessful. But I just could not quit. I knew the Gospel of Jesus Christ was true and so after every single failure I dragged myself back up again. I was determined to overcome this and I knew Christ had promised he could save me and that he was not a liar. I finally had a miraculous response to prayer that led me to a piece of software called Accountable2You. It allowed me to link my wife into all of my internet accounts including my phone. It was like having her with me strengthening me 24/7. This combined with my Bishop's inspired council finally got me off the endless cycle of confession, repentance, and relapse. I don't know if my answer is your answer brother, but I want you to know you can do it. If the Lord saved me, and he did, he can save you too. But you won't be able to save yourself so come back with the Saints. Even if you can't have a calling or partake of the Sacrament it's better to be trying to get yourself right than to quit. I understand where you are coming from and I wish you the best☺

Kudos to you, @Midwest LDS .  THAT is commitment.  It must have been very difficult to take that step.  Seriously, that is pretty admirable in my opinion.

[Midwest LDS]

Thank you @Grunt. I wish I'd figured it out faster, but I'm glad the Lord has brought me where I'm at now.

[clbent04]

On 8/10/2017 at 4:18 AM, Grunt said:

Your posts are confusing to me.  In one post you say you're looking for the true church and don't have a testimony, but in this post, you say you know this to be true and do have a testimony. Which is it?

I may be mistaken, but I never flatly said I don't have a testimony of the church.  If I did, I was speaking in a hypothetical scenario so I could get a point across.  What I have posted is a question on how we know for sure the church is the one and only true church of God based on the test of using the Holy Spirit, and the relative influence of the Holy Spirit in this church among others.

One thing I have said that could be interpreted that I don't believe in the church is I don't know if the Book of Mormon is true.  I've read it a lot.  Maybe 3x cover to cover.  I mostly feel positive from reading its passages, but as far as receiving and answer from the Lord when I've asked "Is the Book of Mormon true?", I never have.  But prayer has never been my strong suit, so I attribute this to my own lack of faith and spirituality.  And I don't necessarily need a specific answer on the Book of Mormon to know this church is true.  In the church's own logic, if you know the Priesthood to be true, then you can accept the Book of Mormon and the prophet Joseph Smith to be true.  Not saying that I'm satisfied with my current testimony, that's just what it is for now.

On 8/10/2017 at 4:18 AM, Grunt said:

It would seem you DO know the truth, so you will be judged more harshly than a fool such as myself.  It almost appears you are trying to convince yourself that you don't know the truth so you can avoid accountability.  It's too late for that.  

Very mistaken.  My questioning of certain topics has nothing to do with wanting to avoid accountability, or questioning if the church is true.  My motive is only to strengthen my own testimony and knowledge of the gospel.

On 8/10/2017 at 4:18 AM, Grunt said:

You can kick this, though.  Have you spoken to your wife about this?  Gone to a counselor?  Attended a group?  The bad news is you'll likely struggle with this for the rest of your life.  The good news is this is a constant reminder of your commitment to God and He notices your struggle.  You are a man.  You aren't expected to be perfect.  I don't believe God only rewards those who are 100% successful in following His law.  If he did there would be nobody in the Celestial Kingdom as you understand it.  Nobody.  I believe he rewards us for our belief, commitment, and sincere struggle.  After all, isn't that part of the experience?

This is not insurmountable.  Most addiction recoveries involve a declaration of intent, family support, and outside intervention.  If you're sincere this time, you can accomplish it.

Thanks. Yes, I'm very open with my wife about this, she's supportive, I've met with numerous counselors in the church, I've never been to a group. Are there any groups that someone is are aware of inside or outside the church?  I know the church has some kind of AA group.  

Edited August 12, 2017 by clbent04

[Guest]

8 hours ago, clbent04 said:

I grew up in the church and have been a member my whole life.  Active and inactive.  Mostly active.  That is until 2 years ago when I stopped going to church altogether.  I'll rewind from there and give you the full story.

I grew up in Texas in a Mormon household with 3 siblings, and we had a great upbringing.  My Mom was definitely more into the church than my Dad.  My Dad mainly converted to make my Mom happy before they got married.  Nonetheless, he took us to church regularly and served in various callings in the church.  He saw the church as a good structure for us kids and supported our involvement even though he would never say the LDS church is the one and only true church or anything to that nature.

I believed in the church growing up even though I never considered myself a very spiritual person.  And I didn’t really pay much attention to the various lessons and talks all those years.  I found church to be very boring as a kid/teenager.  They were the longest three hours of the week.  But I believed nonetheless because of the occasional positive feelings I would receive.  I participated with the youth programs, went to seminary, went home teaching with my Dad for a period of time, prayed to God on my own initiative and read the scriptures occasionally.  Although I didn’t prepare myself sufficiently growing up to receive a solid confirmation of the truthfulness of the gospel, I always felt a strong connection to my Savior and His atonement for us, and I always strived to maintain that positive relationship.

I always had it in my mind growing up that I would serve a mission and not just because I knew it would make my Mom happy.  I wanted to.  Even though I wasn’t the most dedicated member, I felt it was the right thing to do.  And I thought of how much more I would learn about the gospel and develop my own testimony. So I put in my papers and was called to serve in a stateside Spanish-speaking mission.

2006

I was excited as a fresh missionary. I felt grateful to be serving.  I also enjoyed learning a new language. And then, early on in my mission, maybe 2-3 months, I started wondering how converted I was to the gospel. What spiritual confirmations did I have leading up to that point?  I did have positive feelings of the church before, but I realized I had never taken it upon myself to follow the very advice we teach as missionaries: If you have questions, ask God, and the Holy Spirit will bear witness to you of truth through positive feelings. 

So I prayed asking if Joseph Smith was a true prophet.  I prayed for quite some time.  I would ask the Lord to please let me know if Joseph was a true prophet, then pause and repeat.  I did this over and over again until I said “Joseph Smith was a prophet of God.”  I stopped and thought to myself, did I just make a statement rather than a question?  That seemed to me to be an answer in itself.  I thought I had a good feeling from the prayer, but nothing amazing.  I questioned if it was an answer or if I had just said it myself without receiving revelation since I had been praying for so long asking the same question.  But it was good enough to keep me going as a missionary for a period of time. 

At the 5-6 month mark, I really began questioning what I was doing serving a mission.  I had to be honest with myself at that point that I really didn’t know if the church was true.  The only time in my life I had undoubtedly experienced the Holy Spirit was when I prayed to God for forgiveness of my sins and felt the merciful forgiveness made possible through Jesus Christ the Redeemer.  After evaluating what I knew to be true, and what I didn’t, I made the decision to meet with my mission president. 

At the 9-10 month mark, I told the mission president I was ready to go home.  How could I continue preaching the gospel when I hadn’t fully accepted it myself?  I was miserable with the feeling of being a hypocrite.  I didn’t want to be at conflict with myself anymore.  I told the mission president all of this, and how I initially thought I would find my testimony after I came out to serve a mission, albeit I know that’s not the way you’re supposed to do it.  I told him of my attempts to find the truth, and that I had decided I needed to call it quits.  After almost a year of no improvement in terms of receiving a confirmation of the gospel, I thought that was a fair enough time to give it a shot.  He asked if I would give it another 3 months to see if anything changed, and I agreed.  Nothing did change and a little after I hit my 1-year mark I returned home to Texas.

2007

Once I got home I started wondering which church was the true church of God.  I attended services of other faiths, studied other religions, and even took a world’s religion class in college.  I decided I was a non-denominational Christian at that point, and continued looking for answers over the next 2 years.

2009

Funny enough, it was only after I had served my 1-year mission and after the vain attempts I had made at finding the truth that I discovered the Mormon Church was the answer all along!  What wasn’t funny was how it happened.  At age 23, both my parents died in a tragic way that left me and my siblings in complete shock.  My youngest sibling was 14 at the time.  Shortly after receiving the news, I received several blessings of comfort from Church leaders.  On four separate occasions over the course of four days I met with different Church leaders and received the same experience each time.  The Church leader would lay his hands upon my head and spoke through the inspiration of the Holy Ghost.  Almost instantly I felt the power of Holy Ghost fall upon me as if I was on fire.  I felt the warmth of the love of God within me.  It was as if I was completely enveloped by this warm, radiating presence.  It never left me, not once, for four days straight.  I was able to physically and spiritually feel the warm radiance of the Spirit of God.

So it was through the power of the Priesthood that my spiritual understanding was opened up and I was converted as a believer of the gospel.  As for why I hadn’t received a testimony of the church previous to this experience, the truth is, I could have received an answer, but I had not prepared sufficiently, and my heart wasn’t broken enough for the Lord to reach me.  But that experience alone established deep convictions within me of the church.  And I have had many spiritual experiences since then reaffirming the same knowledge.  

I went back to church on a regular basis, attended the temple fairly regularly, testified of the power of the Priesthood often, did my home teaching, held various callings including serving as 2^nd counselor in the Elder’s Quorum presidency, and really enjoyed all of it.  I even dated a non-member who ended up becoming a convert, and we are currently happily married with a 9-month old baby.

2015

So to throw a wrench in the story, the reason why I stopped going to church two years ago is because I haven’t been able to break my addiction to pornography (sorry to kill the upbeat tempo).  Not that quitting is hard.  It’s like Mark Twain said about smoking, “Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.”  I think I might have even read a version of that quote on this site somewhere the other day.

For me I was first exposed to pornography when I was 11 years old.  20 years later and I still haven’t been able to get away from it.  I was always open and honest with church leaders about the issue, followed through with all their advice (that is, of course, everything but the forsaking the sin part), but I could never find the resolve to stay away for very long.  Besides when I had served my 1-year mission, the longest time I was able to stay away from it was for a 4-month stretch.

There is nothing more I would like to accomplish in this world than to break this habit once and for all.  I just don’t know how to do it.  I’ve met with numerous bishops, went to a church psychologist on my own initiative, and made I don’t know how many promises to myself and the Lord to put it all behind me.  Some people say pride is the greatest tool of the Devil.  I would say that is definitely not true in my case.  Despair has been far more effective.

It was two years ago that I made some conclusions that really got me down.  I’m 29 years old at the time realizing I haven’t been able to kick a habit that’s been affecting me since adolescence, and I think, if I haven’t been able to break this habit by now, I’m never going to change.  I came to the despairing conclusion I don’t have enough resolve. 

On top of that, the Church tells us how monumentally important it is to obey the Law of Chasity. Think of how uniquely often the Law of Chasity is commanded of us to obey.  I believe the Lord puts so much emphasis on the Law of Chasity because the sacredness of the power of procreation goes well beyond this life.  Do you truly think God would entrust someone with the powers of divine and eternal procreation who does not does not end up mastering the Law of Chasity in this life?  I understand the Lord is merciful and grace makes up the difference for what we fall short of, but I also understand the Law of Chasity is held to a much stricter and less lenient standard than most commandments.

That said, I firmly believe the Law of Chasity is the main defining test the Lord will use in sifting the wheat from the tares, i.e, those who will receive Celestial glory versus those who don’t.  I have conceded that it is very unlikely, to the point of hopeless despair, that I will ever make it to the Celestial Kingdom.  Two years ago was the first time in my life I had ever conceded to anything less than the aspirations of wanting to return to live in the presence of God. 

The final conclusion I made was, if I can’t make it to the Celestial Kingdom based on my inability to quit looking at porn, why should I even go to church?  What’s the point?  If I’ve already pegged myself as ending up in the Terrestrial Kingdom (see post on Few Will Find Celestial Glory), everyone who ends up there isn’t required to do all tasks expected of a Mormon, so why should I?  And there it is.  Despair ultimately destroyed my optimism of obtaining Eternal Life, and has left me with my sad, pathetic acceptance of mediocrity.

2017

So here I am, two years later, and although I still know the Church and the gospel to be true, I’m at a loss feeling I’m just not good enough to make the cut.  I know the gospel works, but I’ve proven to myself I’m not determined enough to allow the gospel to work for me.  I’m left with admitting I’m not good enough for the Celestial Kingdom because I lack character and resolve.  I know it’s not impossible to obey the Law of Chasity.  I personally know maybe 10 to 15 men who strictly follow the Law of Chasity.  I look up to and respect these men in the highest regard.  One was a former stake president of mine.  Counseling me one time, he said when he was called to his position as stake president, the general authority looked at him right in the eyes and said, “brother, do you have any involvement in any shape or form with the viewing of pornography?”, to which he confidently responded, “No, I am clean.”  What I would give to be able to say that. 

I’ve been so down about this that I’ve had zero interaction with the church the past two years.  But now, for the first time in a long time, I’ve started to feel bits of hope come back to me just from joining this website a week or so ago.  I’ve received some really great feedback to questions I’ve had a very long time, questions I’ve never fully vetted with anyone before.  I think the members on here who are truly trying to help those in need are really great missionaries and friends to this community, and just great people in general.  So thanks to the creators of this website and its contributors.

I’m someone who knows that "the Church is true” (I’m using this phrase sincerely and also in honor of @Vort and @Carborendum).  This is based on me receiving the witness I did of the power of the Priesthood, and also other experiences I had within the Church from 2009 – 2015.  I have a long ways to go if I can ever dig myself out of the hole I’m in, and I also have a few kinks in my testimony, but it was nice the other day to feel a bit of hope again.

I wanted to write all this to clear the air on who I really am and where I come from for the benefit of people like @Grunt.  I know I have a lot of questions that are phrased differently than what a typical member might ask, but they’re not intended to come across as negative, and they especially aren’t meant to come across as attacking the church. The only thing I’ve attacked is a small piece of the culture that has grown around the church.  For the most part (like 95 percent) the church has a great culture.  And also understand that I know a lot of my posts might not have answers others can provide.  I’m mostly seeking perspective in a lot of cases.  And I don’t need to find answers to every single question in order for me to have a testimony of the church.  I already do have a testimony of the church regardless.  Your answers and perspective only help strengthen my testimony of the church (at least from most of you, okay maybe half haha).

You know, if you are making a good faith effort at fighting a pornography addiction, and are coming to Church, working with the bishop regularly, confessing when you relapse, etc., don't you think you are headed for the Celestial Kingdom, even if you haven't quite managed to kick it 100% of the time just yet?  

The point is not to give up!  (And to keep on making an honest, good-faith effort to quit the pornography).

We all have weaknesses.  That is what the grace of Christ is for.  What Christ asks us to do is to keep on fighting, keep on working, keep on trying.  (And that does mean going to Church).

Edited August 10, 2017 by DoctorLemon

[my two cents]

I appreciate your honesty and I'm truly sorry about your parents as well your struggles.

Besides the church arp that a&a mentioned above, I know there are others. One site that might be helpful is this http://rowboatandmarbles.org/how-a-rowboat-and-a-handful-of-marbles-can-help-mormons-overcome-porn-addiction.html

Avoidance is only part of the solution, you need things to fill the void. Maybe you already know that.

Anyway, I don't see how not going to church is going to help and that's pretty easy to change so start there. 

[my two cents]

Another thing, apostles have promised great blessings for those who work on family history (including indexing). Here's just one quote: 
Elder Bednar testified: “A yearning for connection to our past can prepare an individual to receive the virtue of the word of God and fortify his or her faith. A heart turning to the fathers uniquely helps an individual withstand the influence of the adversary and strengthen conversion.”

 

[Sunday21]

@Midwest LDS. Way to go!

[Grunt]

2 hours ago, clbent04 said:

I may be mistaken, but I never flatly said I don't have a testimony of the church.  If I did, I was speaking in a hypothetical scenario so I could get a point across.  What I have posted is a question on how we know for sure the church is the one and only true church of God based on the test of using the Holy Spirit, and the relative influence of the Holy Spirit in this church among others.

 

 

This was the post I was referring to.  It certainly led me to believe you weren't LDS.  

 

Quote

"@Grunt Thanks for clarifying. I see your point, but for someone who has yet to gain a testimony of the truth of the LDS scriptures, I can't fall back on the what the LDS scriptures say to help guide me.  I'm still at the early phase of letting the Holy Spirit guide me to whichever religion God would have me be a part of.  Therefore the Holy Spirit seems to be my best bet to start with for receiving confirmation for a set of given beliefs.  If I was more advanced in my own testimony of the LDS church, and had already accepted the LDS scriptures as gospel canon, I would be able to accept your advice.  But I'm in the early stages of finding God's one and only true religion if any one religion exists"

 

Edited August 10, 2017 by Grunt

[askandanswer]

3 hours ago, clbent04 said:

 

Thanks. Yes, I'm very open with my wife about this, she's supportive, I've met with numerous counselors in the church, I've never been to a group. Are there any groups that someone is are aware of inside or outside the church?  I know the church has some kind of AA group.  

They must be out there somewhere because this exists - https://www.mormonchannel.org/listen/collection/addiction-recovery-program-audio. Try your local LDS Social Services, they are likely to know.

[clbent04]

2 hours ago, Grunt said:

This was the post I was referring to.  It certainly led me to believe you weren't LDS.  

Rightfully so. Partly written in a hypothetical scenario, and partly reflective of my own testimony.  Most converted Mormons would say they've received a witness from God that the Book of Mormon is true, and they also wouldn't question as much in detail how powerfully the Holy Spirit is felt among those of other faiths

Edited August 10, 2017 by clbent04

[clbent04]

11 hours ago, LiterateParakeet said:

she always told me that she knew the church was true and would return when she was ready....she never made it.  She could have used that peace and comfort in her life.  So don't wait!  

That's just it though.  I'm at the point now where the thought of going to church doesn't bring me peace.  It brings me despair.  Thinking about being involved in church now just reminds me how I can't achieve my number one goal.  A very deflating and defeating feeling for me that's compounded by the conclusions I've made about my own eternal welfare

[clbent04]

7 hours ago, Midwest LDS said:

I feel for you brother. There are a lot of us who have struggled with this very same addiction. I myself once asked if I would ever be truly clean from this addiction. I served a full time mission, was completely honest with my wife, went to see Bishops and Stake presidents, and did everything they asked including addiction recovery meetings and was still unsuccessful. But I just could not quit. I knew the Gospel of Jesus Christ was true and so after every single failure I dragged myself back up again. I was determined to overcome this and I knew Christ had promised he could save me and that he was not a liar. I finally had a miraculous response to prayer that led me to a piece of software called Accountable2You. It allowed me to link my wife into all of my internet accounts including my phone. It was like having her with me strengthening me 24/7. This combined with my Bishop's inspired council finally got me off the endless cycle of confession, repentance, and relapse. I don't know if my answer is your answer brother, but I want you to know you can do it. If the Lord saved me, and he did, he can save you too. But you won't be able to save yourself so come back with the Saints. Even if you can't have a calling or partake of the Sacrament it's better to be trying to get yourself right than to quit. I understand where you are coming from and I wish you the best☺

I like the idea of having the accountability of reporting to my wife.  She is really understanding and would be good at helping monitor my progress.  I'll look into Accountable2You. Thanks

[Midwest LDS]

No problem @clbent04 it was very helpful for me hopefully it will be for you too. 

[zil]

22 minutes ago, clbent04 said:

That's just it though.  I'm at the point now where the thought of going to church doesn't bring me peace.  It brings me despair.  Thinking about being involved in church now just reminds me how I can't achieve my number one goal.  A very deflating and defeating feeling for me that's compounded by the conclusions I've made about my own eternal welfare

Those thoughts are straight out of Hell if any thought ever was.  Reject them and their author and go hang with the Master Healer.  When those thoughts come, say, "Satan, I don't give a crap what you think. Get lost."

[Guest]

22 minutes ago, clbent04 said:

That's just it though.  I'm at the point now where the thought of going to church doesn't bring me peace.  It brings me despair.  Thinking about being involved in church now just reminds me how I can't achieve my number one goal.  A very deflating and defeating feeling for me that's compounded by the conclusions I've made about my own eternal welfare

It doesn't matter if you have achieved it yet!  It matters if you are trying.

Your conclusions about your eternal welfare are 1) wrong and 2) from Satan, to try and make you depressed.

Going to the Celestial Kingdom is a little like going to gym class.  You get the "A" for effort.  

If you go to church, keep working with the bishop, honestly try to keep the other commandments, and keep trying to beat pornography, you will go to the Celestial Kingdom, even if you never 100% kick pornography in your life.  What is important is, when you fall down, immediately go to the bishop and let him know.  The second you talk to the bishop, you become worthy again for the Celestial Kingdom.

[Midwest LDS]

Agreed with @ziland @DoctorLemon. The only one who doesn't want you at church is Satan. When it comes to the Celestial Kingdom, Christ really can bring you Salvation, his Grace is available to all and you can do this with his help and strentgh.

[clbent04]

6 hours ago, DoctorLemon said:

You know, if you are making a good faith effort at fighting a pornography addiction, and are coming to Church, working with the bishop regularly, confessing when you relapse, etc., don't you think you are headed for the Celestial Kingdom, even if you haven't quite managed to kick it 100% of the time just yet?

I think the Lord holds us accountable to the Law of Chastity at a higher standard than most other commandments when it comes to how closely we need to adhere to it in order to qualify for Eternal Life.  Take home teaching for comparison.  Are a couple missed months really going to set you back?  Of course not.  Honestly, considering all other things equal in terms of righteousness, I think an inactive member who didn't attend church for the last 10 years of his life, but who never had a problem with the Law of Chastity, is better off than someone who did go to church all those years but who is addicted to pornography.  I'm not saying the inactive member would qualify for Eternal Life, but I think his judgement would be more favorable whatever that may be.  That's one way to look at how serious I view the Law of Chastity.  

53 minutes ago, DoctorLemon said:

Going to the Celestial Kingdom is a little like going to gym class.  You get the "A" for effort.  

If you go to church, keep working with the bishop, honestly try to keep the other commandments, and keep trying to beat pornography, you will go to the Celestial Kingdom, even if you never 100% kick pornography in your life.  What is important is, when you fall down, immediately go to the bishop and let him know.  The second you talk to the bishop, you become worthy again for the Celestial Kingdom.

If it's true that I didn't have to overcome my problem with pornography 100 percent (assuming I made a faithful effort to the end), that would give me hope.  But the conclusions I've come to just don't allow me to believe it.  The powers of eternal procreation are too sacred to entrust to someone who hasn't mastered the skill of sexual self-control in this life.

Edited August 10, 2017 by clbent04