Looking for advice, not judgement

[In Idaho]

1 hour ago, Dillon said:

pat them on the back and tell them its ok and they did nothing wrong and your husband should understand and forgive you, this after you had several "passionate petting and make out sessions" with another man, no biggie right?  and this after you find excuses to justify your lack of passion for your husband.

This is assuming way too much. Several makeout sessions?? Where did you get that idea? I have stated many times in this post what I am here for so if you choose to not believe me, that's on you

[BeccaKirstyn]

16 hours ago, Grunt said:

So, what steps have you taken?  Repented?  Spoken to the Bishop?  Your husband?

@In Idaho Many here have given you great advice concerning your situation. So is there any follow up to that advice? Have you heeded anything that you found worthwhile? Or are you still looking for something? 

[In Idaho]

3 minutes ago, BeccaKirstyn said:

Many here have given you great advice concerning your situation. So is there any follow up to that advice? Have you heeded anything that you found worthwhile? Or are you still looking for something? 

I have gotten what I needed. Not looking for anything else. If there was a way to turn off the comments I totally would. Thanks for asking ? 

[Vort]

16 minutes ago, In Idaho said:

I have gotten what I needed. Not looking for anything else. If there was a way to turn off the comments I totally would. Thanks for asking ? 

Of course, there is no way to "turn off the comments." And the subject of your thread -- "Looking for advice, not judgment" -- is kind of silly. Giving advice involves passing judgment.

It sounds to me like you're looking for people to say "Poor In Idaho!" I understand the desire for sympathy; it's often comforting and sometimes useful. But it should not override truth. False (including wrongful) sympathy is worse than no sympathy.

Based on your OP, the following appears to be the case:

• Your husband had a pre-existing issue with pornography, which he told you about before you married him.
• Six months into your marriage, he confessed to you that he was still struggling with it.
• He is "doing well" with the pornography problems, according to you.
• After six years, your marriage is passionless. You claim you "do not feel attractive to him"; I wonder if you're really saying that you "do not feel attracted to him."
• By your own account, you are "angry at him all the time".
• Your husband treats you like a queen.
• Your husband is an amazing father.
• Your husband is unbelievably kind and giving.
• Nevertheless, you have separated from him so that you "can just heal". You also thought it would be a great opportunity to test your husband.

You also provide the following:

• You flirted with an old flame.
• You invited the old flame over to your house.
• You "made out" with your old flame, and "there was petting involved". Presumably this involved less than outright fornication but much more than an affectionate hug. You spare us the nitty gritty of what exactly was involved, but the term "petting" suggests some significant distance down the road of marital sexual infidelity.

Now you tell us you want nothing beyond having your questions answered. Those questions are:

On 9/17/2017 at 11:36 PM, In Idaho said:

Obviously I'm going to talk to the bishop and I've already decided to tell my husband...but I want to know what I can expect maybe? What's the punishment for that? And... Is having a super kind husband who treats me like a queen enough to stay in a marriage where I'm constantly living in fear of the next time he'll choose the internet over me?

• You can expect the bishop to try to help you back onto the path of righteousness.
• Punishment? The punishment is the loss of the Spirit and being left to your own devices. That is always the punishment of sin, and the only punishment. The wage of sin is death. God is not about punishment. Now, if you're asking what discipline you might face, that depends on what you have done and how the Spirit guides your bishop. It could range from no action taken to informal discipline to surrendering your temple recommend for a time to excommunication.
• I do not know whether having a super kind husband who treats you like a queen is worth him staying in the marriage with you, who makes out with old flames while worrying that he might look at pictures of naked women. But if I were your brother, I would counsel you to quit worrying so much about yourself and recognize the man you are married to for what he is.

The way to get unbroken is not to "find yourself". It is to forget yourself and start serving others. Start with your children and their father.

[anatess2]

1 hour ago, In Idaho said:

This is assuming way too much. Several makeout sessions?? Where did you get that idea? I have stated many times in this post what I am here for so if you choose to not believe me, that's on you

 

1 hour ago, In Idaho said:

I have gotten what I needed. Not looking for anything else. If there was a way to turn off the comments I totally would. Thanks for asking ? 

Claws.

And @Vort''s response above goes with my "reading" of the situation to dig down deep within yourself and take out the reason for those claws coming out so you can solve the problem in your marriage.

But what do I know.  I'm just some random person on the internet.

Edited September 27, 2017 by anatess2

[In Idaho]

42 minutes ago, Vort said:

Of course, there is no way to "turn off the comments." And the subject of your thread -- "Looking for advice, not judgment" -- is kind of silly. Giving advice involves passing judgment.

It sounds to me like you're looking for people to say "Poor In Idaho!" I understand the desire for sympathy; it's often comforting and sometimes useful. But it should not override truth. False (including wrongful) sympathy is worse than no sympathy.

Based on your OP, the following appears to be the case:

• Your husband had a pre-existing issue with pornography, which he told you about before you married him.
• Six months into your marriage, he confessed to you that he was still struggling with it.
• He is "doing well" with the pornography problems, according to you.
• After six years, your marriage is passionless. You claim you "do not feel attractive to him"; I wonder if you're really saying that you "do not feel attracted to him."
• By your own account, you are "angry at him all the time".
• Your husband treats you like a queen.
• Your husband is an amazing father.
• Your husband is unbelievably kind and giving.
• Nevertheless, you have separated from him so that you "can just heal". You also thought it would be a great opportunity to test your husband.

You also provide the following:

• You flirted with an old flame.
• You invited the old flame over to your house.
• You "made out" with your old flame, and "there was petting involved". Presumably this involved less than outright fornication but much more than an affectionate hug. You spare us the nitty gritty of what exactly was involved, but the term "petting" suggests some significant distance down the road of marital sexual infidelity.

Now you tell us you want nothing beyond having your questions answered. Those questions are:

• You can expect the bishop to try to help you back onto the path of righteousness.
• Punishment? The punishment is the loss of the Spirit and being left to your own devices. That is always the punishment of sin, and the only punishment. The wage of sin is death. God is not about punishment. Now, if you're asking what discipline you might face, that depends on what you have done and how the Spirit guides your bishop. It could range from no action taken to informal discipline to surrendering your temple recommend for a time to excommunication.
• I do not know whether having a super kind husband who treats you like a queen is worth him staying in the marriage with you, who makes out with old flames while worrying that he might look at pictures of naked women. But if I were your brother, I would counsel you to quit worrying so much about yourself and recognize the man you are married to for what he is.

The way to get unbroken is not to "find yourself". It is to forget yourself and start serving others. Start with your children and their father.

As I previously stated, I already found what I was looking for. And if you read all the comments you would also know what I meant by judgment. You are also assuming a lot of things that you know nothing about. I already got my answers so I'm not looking for anything further. Should I say it again? I already got my questions answered, so I don't need anything else.

[In Idaho]

44 minutes ago, Vort said:

Of course, there is no way to "turn off the comments." And the subject of your thread -- "Looking for advice, not judgment" -- is kind of silly. Giving advice involves passing judgment.

It sounds to me like you're looking for people to say "Poor In Idaho!" I understand the desire for sympathy; it's often comforting and sometimes useful. But it should not override truth. False (including wrongful) sympathy is worse than no sympathy.

Based on your OP, the following appears to be the case:

• Your husband had a pre-existing issue with pornography, which he told you about before you married him.
• Six months into your marriage, he confessed to you that he was still struggling with it.
• He is "doing well" with the pornography problems, according to you.
• After six years, your marriage is passionless. You claim you "do not feel attractive to him"; I wonder if you're really saying that you "do not feel attracted to him."
• By your own account, you are "angry at him all the time".
• Your husband treats you like a queen.
• Your husband is an amazing father.
• Your husband is unbelievably kind and giving.
• Nevertheless, you have separated from him so that you "can just heal". You also thought it would be a great opportunity to test your husband.

You also provide the following:

• You flirted with an old flame.
• You invited the old flame over to your house.
• You "made out" with your old flame, and "there was petting involved". Presumably this involved less than outright fornication but much more than an affectionate hug. You spare us the nitty gritty of what exactly was involved, but the term "petting" suggests some significant distance down the road of marital sexual infidelity.

Now you tell us you want nothing beyond having your questions answered. Those questions are:

• You can expect the bishop to try to help you back onto the path of righteousness.
• Punishment? The punishment is the loss of the Spirit and being left to your own devices. That is always the punishment of sin, and the only punishment. The wage of sin is death. God is not about punishment. Now, if you're asking what discipline you might face, that depends on what you have done and how the Spirit guides your bishop. It could range from no action taken to informal discipline to surrendering your temple recommend for a time to excommunication.
• I do not know whether having a super kind husband who treats you like a queen is worth him staying in the marriage with you, who makes out with old flames while worrying that he might look at pictures of naked women. But if I were your brother, I would counsel you to quit worrying so much about yourself and recognize the man you are married to for what he is.

The way to get unbroken is not to "find yourself". It is to forget yourself and start serving others. Start with your children and their father.

Ps. This was not an "old flame" again assuming you know way more about the situation than I gave you information on. 

[In Idaho]

7 minutes ago, anatess2 said:

 

Claws.

And @Vort''s response above goes with my "reading" of the situation to dig down deep within yourself and take out the reason for those claws coming out so you can solve the problem in your marriage.

But what do I know.  I'm just some random person on the internet.

Again, I have gotten what I needed. I'm sorry you read my comment wrong. I was  stating a fact. And I'm moving forward and don't need anything else answered. I don't know why that is coming across as claws. I'm literally just letting people know

[anatess2]

3 minutes ago, In Idaho said:

As I previously stated, I already found what I was looking for. And if you read all the comments you would also know what I meant by judgment. You are also assuming a lot of things that you know nothing about. I already got my answers so I'm not looking for anything further. Should I say it again? I already got my questions answered, so I don't need anything else.

 

2 minutes ago, In Idaho said:

Ps. This was not an "old flame" again assuming you know way more about the situation than I gave you information on. 

 

Just now, In Idaho said:

Again, I have gotten what I needed. I'm sorry you read my comment wrong. I was  stating a fact. And I'm moving forward and don't need anything else answered. I don't know why that is coming across as claws. I'm literally just letting people know

More claws.  All unncecessary.

It is claws.  Who cares if it is old flame or new flame or ancient flame.  Why make an issue about it.  It is irrelevant to the situation you presented.  So the only reason you would bother to make an issue of it is... claws.

A regular person who is not in defensive mode would say something to the effect of... "I appreciate all the responses.  I'm going to think about all of them and use the ones that apply to my situation.  Thank you very much."   Or something else equally positive.  I mean, these people went out of their way to give you their time and attention in the hopes they can serve you.

Anyway... if your attitude towards people in this thread has any resemblance to your real life character, it's going to make it difficult for you to fix your marital issues.

And that's all I have to say about that.  Hope you and your husband find peace.

[Dillon]

2 hours ago, In Idaho said:

This is assuming way too much. Several makeout sessions?? Where did you get that idea? I have stated many times in this post what I am here for so if you choose to not believe me, that's on you

I apologize,  you said came over several times or something to that affect and one make out session.  You want no other advice thats great but I will say this,  you said       " But I felt passion and chemistry, something I haven't felt with my husband for almost our entire marriage"    How is your husband supposed to take that?  If my wife told me that it would probably sting a minute.  I would have to end the marriage i suppose , dont know how i could trust her after that, not to mention the hurt it would cause.  If a woman doesn't have chemistry and passion with the person she is with, she is gona find it some place else, same with a man.

[NeuroTypical]

13 minutes ago, Dillon said:

If a woman doesn't have chemistry and passion with the person she is with, she is gona find it some place else, same with a man.

I disagree.  Here's how I would put it:

If a person doesn't have chemistry and passion with the person they are with, they may choose to seek it some place else, or they may choose to remain faithful to their vows and work on their marriage.

[Vort]

1 hour ago, In Idaho said:

Ps. This was not an "old flame" again assuming you know way more about the situation than I gave you information on. 

Let's test this assertion.

On 9/17/2017 at 11:36 PM, In Idaho said:

I let myself flirt with a guy from years ago that I made out with once.

How is that not "an old flame"?

[Dillon]

1 hour ago, NeuroTypical said:

I disagree.  Here's how I would put it:

If a person doesn't have chemistry and passion with the person they are with, they may choose to seek it some place else, or they may choose to remain faithful to their vows and work on their marriage.

Ok I can go with that,   but is chemistry something a couple can work on?   I suppose a couple could rekindle passion that was once there and that could bring back chemistry between the two. So maybe I guess, I dont know.

[Grunt]

3 hours ago, Dillon said:

 If a woman doesn't have chemistry and passion with the person she is with, she is gona find it some place else, same with a man.

2

Untrue.  My vows and my commitment to my family mean something.  There are times when I have felt less chemistry and passion with my wife.  She's still my wife.  It was my job to rebuild what was lost and I took that job seriously.  I accomplished that goal the few times my passion has waned.  That was my promise to my wife and my responsibility to the children I chose to bring into this world is to provide them with a safe home governed by loving parents.  We are both committed to that and to each other.

[anatess2]

17 hours ago, Dillon said:

Ok I can go with that,   but is chemistry something a couple can work on?   I suppose a couple could rekindle passion that was once there and that could bring back chemistry between the two. So maybe I guess, I dont know.

Who are you and what did you do with Dillon?  

Another very well-expressed post.

[Dillon]

13 minutes ago, anatess2 said:

Who are you and what did you do with Dillon?  

Another very well-expressed post.

Ha,, this is the new and improved Dillon.  I realized I wasnt being fair and upsetting everyone, women mostly, with my remarks judging a few women's actions on all women, it wasnt fair. I dont do that in my everyday life so I dont want to do it here. I think there are some good LDS women in here like yourself and I can appreciate that and I do, nothing better than a loyal, humble, faithful LDS woman, the world needs more of you guys. 

[anatess2]

24 minutes ago, Dillon said:

Ha,, this is the new and improved Dillon.  I realized I wasnt being fair and upsetting everyone, women mostly, with my remarks judging a few women's actions on all women, it wasnt fair. I dont do that in my everyday life so I dont want to do it here. I think there are some good LDS women in here like yourself and I can appreciate that and I do, nothing better than a loyal, humble, faithful LDS woman, the world needs more of you guys. 

[Vort]

1 hour ago, Dillon said:

nothing better than a loyal, humble, faithful LDS woman, the world needs more of you guys

...is someone going to tell him, or should I?

[anatess2]

27 minutes ago, Vort said:

...is someone going to tell him, or should I?

Get on with the program, Vort.  Gender is nothing but a social structure.

[zil]

I think in modern usage, "guys" has become synonymous with "folks", "people", "you" (plural).

[Dillon]

6 minutes ago, zil said:

I think in modern usage, "guys" has become synonymous with "folks", "people", "you" (plural).

ahhh yeah,  I hear more women using the word "guys" when describing their girl friends than I do men.  "you guys are sweet",    "you guys shouldnt have"   "you guys"    have you ever heard a female talk this way?  I have many many times.  

[zil]

2 minutes ago, Dillon said:

ahhh yeah,  I hear more women using the word "guys" when describing their girl friends than I do men.  "you guys are sweet",    "you guys shouldnt have"   "you guys"    have you ever heard a female talk this way?  I have many many times.  

I do it myself.  The alternative is "you gals" and unless you're from Alabama, that just sounds weird.  We don't have a slang term for "women" that isn't age-specific (e.g. "girls" - IMO, calling a woman a "girl" is an insult - and a common one at that), isn't derogatory, and is commonly used (that I can think of).

I know a couple of women at church who use "ladies", but it also sounds weird to me.  But then, I'm alien.  When I'm specifically referring to women of the church, I call them "sisters".  When "of the church" isn't the emphasis, I use other terms ("you guys", "them", "women", whatever).