When divorce seems to be the only option....

[for_our_experience]

On 14/01/2018 at 6:00 AM, seashmore said:

Couples or marriage therapy may benefit you @for_our_experience.

After only reading the original post, I'm wondering if she experienced some sort of sexual abuse at a young age. It may explain why she feels sex is an intrusion, why she finds male genitalia disgusting, and perhaps why she is more aggressive towards your son than daughter. If this is the case, it should be something she discusses with a therapist before making any life changing decisions.

Her depression may also explain her housekeeping habits, and her medication may also be cause for her recent erratic behavior, especially if she's combing it in her system with alcohol.

For the record, I highly discourage anyone becoming romantically involved with a work superior. Regardless of sexual preferences. That's just asking for an all-around messy life.

See if you can have an audience with your RS President. Suggest your wife may need some adult social interaction outside of play dates, whether that be evening activities or just ice cream dates with her visiting teachers. This may be why she enjoys working part time.

Also, check out http://www.joshweed.com/ According to his bio, he's a gay Mormon family/marriage therapist married to a woman. 

She has never mentioned any child abuse and I would be very surprised if this were the case. She speaks very fondly of her father who I never met and had a good relationship with her mother. I totally get your thinking though, as many people have asked the same thing and it is what I would ask also if I didn't know her so well.

Her housekeeping habits have always been quite poor, long before she got depression. If she comes off the medication, her mood us more erratic though as stated previously. 

I have had regular conversations with the RS president who is great. She is well supported by the sisters in the ward who really want to help her.

[for_our_experience]

Just to update everyone regarding the situation. Last Saturday night my wife and I had a big discussion and she has decided that she absolutely cannot carry on with our marriage. She feels she needs to explore a relationship with this other woman and cannot commit to me. Though this is not what I wanted we ended on good terms. 

However, the next morning I received a facebook message from an angry woman accusing my wife of having a relationship with her partner for the last 3 months , sending filthy pictures and wrecking her family. She could not provide me with any evidence of such but of course it made sense. I questioned my wife about this and she conceded that she has been flirting with her boss for the last 3 weeks over text/Snapchat etc. She said she was going to drip feed this information to me over the next week so it was easier for me to swallow, but I doubt this is true. I will probably never know the whole truth but i dont need to, i know enough. So my feelings towards her are now more sour since I know she hid this from me and it had to come from someone else.

A new light is shed on the situation knowing that her boss was in on it all as well and I now wonder who instigated it all, though it was likely 2 way. It's a messed up situation but it has just made me more determined not to be shortchanged financially etc. It also confirmed that she could not stop herself whilst in her current mindset regarding this woman and their was nothing I could have done. I am actually relieved that I don't have to trust her as my wife anymore as we know we are ending it, and we can both just get on with our lives.

[Jane_Doe]

I'm sorry, @for_our_experience.  You and your family will be in my prayers.  

[NightSG]

3 hours ago, for_our_experience said:

I am actually relieved that I don't have to trust her as my wife anymore as we know we are ending it, and we can both just get on with our lives.

I'm glad, but also concerned; be fully aware that sometimes these feelings are the mind's way of putting more bad stuff than you can handle at once aside, to be dealt with over time.  If at some point you do feel the need to grieve, don't suppress it thinking it's all in the past.  Make sure you always have a friend on speed dial who will understand that as well.

[for_our_experience]

11 hours ago, NightSG said:

I'm glad, but also concerned; be fully aware that sometimes these feelings are the mind's way of putting more bad stuff than you can handle at once aside, to be dealt with over time.  If at some point you do feel the need to grieve, don't suppress it thinking it's all in the past.  Make sure you always have a friend on speed dial who will understand that as well.

I'm fortunate to be well supported by friends and family. I have 'grieving moments' where i struggle with painful feelings, usually depending on what is going on around me. I realise that these are normal even though it is difficult. 

[seashmore]

@for_our_experience I'm sorry about your recent heartache and hope you find healing in your time and on your terms. 

In the meantime, here is a video the Mormon Channel posted to YouTube the other day about divorce. It may help you in some way.

(Also, in general, sexual abuse can come from anyone: cousin, uncle, neighbor, friend, random kid in the bathroom at a campground. Very few report it to someone right away. @NightSG touched on how our brains can supress painful memories, and sexual abuse ranks high on that scale.)

[for_our_experience]

It's been a few weeks since I posted on this thread, but I'm struggling a bit and feel a return may help. 

We have steadily been working through the separation and have mostly been friendly, with some hiccups along the way. We have come to an agreement on childcare split and it's as even as we can get it with work schedules/school holidays. As I said before, I would very much like to have the kids all the time as i dont fully trust my wife or her new partner, but she does not agree and I don't have enough of a case against her. I do struggle with the thought that my innocent children will be spending half the time with a gay couple, neither of whom I like or trust due to the hurt they've caused me, and one of whom has pretty much chosen to leave the church. My kids are inevitably going to get some conflicting messages from my side and theirs and obviously this concerns me. They are only very young though, and who knows how long their relationship will last, and indeed what is to come. Their are so many variables, and that's probably why I shouldn't over think it too much. I know I am a good dad and will be a steady example for them, I just have to hope and pray with heavenly fathers help they will make wise choices. 

Any experiences/advice would be most welcome ☺

 

[Jane_Doe]

*hugs*

Keep strong.  Get the separation agreement stuff signed in writing.  Stand up for your kids, and don't bad mouth mom or her partner in front of them.  Yes, the two of them have made some major mistakes, and the Lord will hold them accountable for it.  However, she is still their mom.

[NeuroTypical]

On 1/21/2018 at 12:47 PM, for_our_experience said:

However, the next morning I received a facebook message from an angry woman accusing my wife of having a relationship with her partner for the last 3 months , sending filthy pictures and wrecking her family.

"Sounds like something she'd do.  She's pretty much doing the same thing to me, her husband.  I'm sorry."

It stinks that such a sentence is an appropriate response, but from what you're telling us, it is.

I'm sorry.  God bless and stay healthy!

[Sunday21]

@for_our_experience I am really sorry. It seems that you have earned your way out of this marriage. ?

[JoCa]

3 hours ago, for_our_experience said:

I do struggle with the thought that my innocent children will be spending half the time with a gay couple, neither of whom I like or trust due to the hurt they've caused me, and one of whom has pretty much chosen to leave the church. My kids are inevitably going to get some conflicting messages from my side and theirs and obviously this concerns me. They are only very young though, and who knows how long their relationship will last, and indeed what is to come. 

What a horrible thing to happen to you. This has got to be so incredible rough for you; I have no idea how rough.  Only God and The Savior of the World know your pain, suffering and problems.  Rely on Christ and His Infinite Atonement.

Saying that, I'm going to give some tough medicine.  Your kids will have issues from this, that is absolutely a given. They are innocent, they don't deserve to be put in this situation, they don't deserve be raised by some wicked, evil, screwed up woman who is an immature child, can't grow up and has never learned to rely upon God. They don't deserve to be put into an environment were they see one of the most wicked sins acted out-Sodomy.

The best thing for children is for them to be raised by a father and a mother who love each other-nothing else can compare.

This world is sick, it's evil, petruid, disgusting, filth. And one day brother, one day The Master of this World will return and He will cleanse the evilness. He will come in Righteousness, Power, Glory and absolutely throw down all this evilness.

Oh My God! How can any Saint, any follower of Christ, read this brother's story and not feel such heartache and pain. How can any Saint, any one who believes in God and His Majesty not hear this story and cry with the loudness voice. God, oh God, please send your Son! We need Him!!!

@MormonGator This story is why I have such a hatred, vitriol, visceral reaction to homosexuality. It is sick, twisted, wicked, evil, it turns everything about God's plan on it's head.  It leads to pain, suffering, heartache, it screws up innocent children, it is abuse, it is child abuse-even to the 3rd and 4th generation.  And that we accept this in today's society!!! My God, we are sick and ripening for utter destruction.

To your specific point.  I bet dollars to donuts @for_our_experience that your wife was sexually abused during some point.  Instead of learning to rely upon Christ, the Savior of our souls for true Healing-she turned to evil and wickedness. She has made that choice and the only thing that will bring her back is to Hear the sharp sword of the Word of God.

It is my brother, a sign of the times, and if we don't wake up as a people when God sends His Son, it will be terrible.  If you allow it, this experience will allow you to come closer to Christ, to see who He is, to come to know Him in ways that now you can't possibly imagine.  Trust God, have Faith in Jesus Christ and His Atonement and follow His Holy Spirit.

Edited February 17, 2018 by JoCa

[JoCa]

3 hours ago, Jane_Doe said:

*hugs*

Keep strong.  Get the separation agreement stuff signed in writing.  Stand up for your kids, and don't bad mouth mom or her partner in front of them.  Yes, the two of them have made some major mistakes, and the Lord will hold them accountable for it.  However, she is still their mom.

I disagree with this; children need to know and deserve to know the facts. At the appropriate age, absolutely yes they need to know; they need to know that the lifestyle their mother is living is a wicked, evil, lifestyle. To do otherwise, would be a sin upon the father.  A parent is all about teaching, mentoring in the path that leads to God.  How can the children ever know the path to God, if the father never teaches them . .. what do they just learn by osmosis-they aren't plants!

I do agree there is a difference between teaching in a matter-of-fact way right and wrong and being angry and spouting off. There is a difference in teaching the child how to reason think, to teach them how to think based upon good principles vs. just telling them. 

This idea that oh my heaven forbid a divorced couple "bad-mouth" the other, that is so "damaging" for the child is utter crap. A divorce is already damaging! If the other parent is doing something that is wrong by example, the child needs to know!

Edited February 17, 2018 by JoCa

[Jane_Doe]

1 hour ago, JoCa said:

I disagree with this; children need to know and deserve to know the facts. At the appropriate age, absolutely yes they need to know; they need to know that the lifestyle their mother is living is a wicked, evil, lifestyle. To do otherwise, would be a sin upon the father.  A parent is all about teaching, mentoring in the path that leads to God.  How can the children ever know the path to God, if the father never teaches them . .. what do they just learn by osmosis-they aren't plants!

I do agree there is a difference between teaching in a matter-of-fact way right and wrong and being angry and spouting off. There is a difference in teaching the child how to reason think, to teach them how to think based upon good principles vs. just telling them. 

A person can teach without demonizing.  There is a HUGE difference between the two.  

1 hour ago, JoCa said:

I This idea that oh my heaven forbid a divorced couple "bad-mouth" the other, that is so "damaging" for the child is utter crap.

I respectfully disagree. 

 

[Blossom76]

I think that @for_our_experience needs to be very careful what he says to his children about gay couples raising children or their lifestyle in general (no matter what their age is), it wouldn't go down very well for him from a legal standpoint and may cost him future time with his children, it could also put them off the church too by making them feel that they have to choose between their mother and their father and the church.

I was divorced (annulled) and my ex-husband had some very questionable (illegal) habits and just immoral ways about him, he was also very violent towards me, he never put my son first in anything.  I never said a bad word about him to my son, I never discouraged him from spending time with him (or his revolving door of wives and girlfriends! ARhhhhh). It was really hard, I just didn't want him around any of that, he would drink every night, smoked, smoked things other than cigarettes as well.

My son is 18 now and choses not to spend time with his father, he sees him for what he is now, but that was his path to work out, not mine.  I kept him regularly attending church and encouraged a strong faith in him (we are presently Catholic, investigating LDS) which I think really helped him. I tried to focus on giving him positive role models (saints, his karate teacher, his step father and other strong family men at church).  

He's old enough to ask me questions now, which I answer truthfully when he does.

And if bad mouthing the other parent damages the child or not, the greater point is that it will damage your relationship with them, no kid wants to hear their father speak badly about their mother or her lifestyle choices or the other way around, its just going to turn your own child against you.

 

Edited February 17, 2018 by Blossom76

[for_our_experience]

Again, everyone's respouses have been very useful and informative am grateful for them.

I will be careful not to bad mouth my wife as such, that wouldn't teach my kids respect. But when they are old enough I will need to explain to them that engaging in certain types of relationships is not healthy, it's my duty to do so. Who knows if my wife will still be in a same sex relationship by then? Perhaps her infatuation will diminish before this becomes a massive issue. Of course, she could get involved with other people I know.

I am struggling particularly right now as my kids are obsessed with the other woman. They would rather spend time with her than me, or anyone else for that matter. So for now, she has taken my wife AND my kids affections away from me. This is heartwrenching emotionally. Of course I realise this is a novelty for both my kids and her, and she will be wanting to make a good impression so hence will put in the extra effort. But right now, in this particular battle, I am coming off badly and it is hurting. 

[lostinwater]

1 hour ago, for_our_experience said:

I am struggling particularly right now as my kids are obsessed with the other woman. They would rather spend time with her than me, or anyone else for that matter. So for now, she has taken my wife AND my kids affections away from me. This is heartwrenching emotionally. Of course I realise this is a novelty for both my kids and her, and she will be wanting to make a good impression so hence will put in the extra effort. But right now, in this particular battle, I am coming off badly and it is hurting. 

My sister is going through a divorce after ~15 years of marriage and 6 kids.  It's still ongoing and is awful.

Three things she/our family has noticed:

- Nobody stays conveniently 'popular' for very long with a child.

- Her Kids seem exceptionally skilled at testing and then perceiving a person's motives.  

- Her Kids don't see the 'bad' parent the same way the 'good' parent/family sees the 'bad' parent - and at least in her case, it did a lot of harm to push our perceptions on them.  

Our perceptions could be wrong, or her kids could be different, of course.  

Regardless, what you are going through is dreadful.  You have my sympathies, such as they are.

Edited February 17, 2018 by lostinwater

[for_our_experience]

2 hours ago, lostinwater said:

My sister is going through a divorce after ~15 years of marriage and 6 kids.  It's still ongoing and is awful.

Three things she/our family has noticed:

- Nobody stays conveniently 'popular' for very long with a child.

- Her Kids seem exceptionally skilled at testing and then perceiving a person's motives.  

- Her Kids don't see the 'bad' parent the same way the 'good' parent/family sees the 'bad' parent - and at least in her case, it did a lot of harm to push our perceptions on them.  

Our perceptions could be wrong, or her kids could be different, of course.  

Regardless, what you are going through is dreadful.  You have my sympathies, such as they are.

Thanks for this. Logic tells me that they will not be obsessed with the other partner forever. I have to remind myself to play the long game so to speak. This is a difficult and confusing time for me, and strange for the kids also. But they are enjoying the new face, almost at my expense.

[Sunday21]

1 hour ago, for_our_experience said:

Thanks for this. Logic tells me that they will not be obsessed with the other partner forever. I have to remind myself to play the long game so to speak. This is a difficult and confusing time for me, and strange for the kids also. But they are enjoying the new face, almost at my expense.

Hi! Some thoughts on the ‘bad’ parent. My older sister discovered that her husband, who travelled a great deal to Asia, and who had administrative power over young women in very vulnerable situations, was using his power to have sex with as many young and under age girls as possible. My sister never mentioned a word of this to her daughter. I personally felt that the bad parent should have been reported to numerous government authorities but was ignored by everyone,. I tried to report this person but found that there was a 6 month statute of limitations and that one of the vulnerable girls had to make the complaint themselves! Who came up with that rule? 

Anyway, my sister never said a word. She has a great relationship with the daughter. The daughter is saner, more stable and wiser than all of us and has a stable well paying job and a good relationship with both parents.

So..not explaining to the kids why the other parent is a bad person is probably the right choice!

[Bad Karma]

I've been following this thread for a while now, and all I can say is WOW! Man, I've got nothing. Sometimes, people are just so ugly selfish, that all they can do is be ugly to those that love them. In those events, the best you can do is keep breathing. 

I just keep thinking "Dear God, what did I just read"? 

[for_our_experience]

8 hours ago, Bad Karma said:

I've been following this thread for a while now, and all I can say is WOW! Man, I've got nothing. Sometimes, people are just so ugly selfish, that all they can do is be ugly to those that love them. In those events, the best you can do is keep breathing. 

I just keep thinking "Dear God, what did I just read"? 

It's true, the more I think about what has happened the more bizarre it seems. Their is actually more that makes it worse but I won't detail it all on here. One of the mistakes I made is that she got to filing for divorce before me, so at the moment the breakdown of the relationship is on me!! She made up some vague and unfair reasons to file. I will have to contest but this will take more time / money!  It is literally one thing after another with this woman.

[Guest MormonGator]

On 2/16/2018 at 8:34 PM, JoCa said:

@MormonGator This story is why I have such a hatred, vitriol, visceral reaction to homosexuality. It is sick, twisted, wicked, evil, it turns everything about God's plan on it's head.  It leads to pain, suffering, heartache, it screws up innocent children, it is abuse, it is child abuse-even to the 3rd and 4th generation.  And that we accept this in today's society!!! My God, we are sick and ripening for utter destruction.

 

See it's funny, all this time I thought you had mixed feelings on the issue.