NightSG Posted January 18, 2018 Report Share Posted January 18, 2018 3 hours ago, Fether said: 1) What calling “requires” you to use your own money??? What calling doesn't require you to provide your own transportation? When the only way to do anything more with the calling than sit alone in a room talking to myself is to travel 120 miles round trip to the stake center, often 180 miles round trip to the next stake over, and do that 2-4 times a month, walking isn't an option, and gas isn't free. The other singles wouldn't go at all unless I took them, and wouldn't show up for anything I scheduled locally. Stake activities were intentionally scheduled when nobody else would be using the stake center, so nobody was going that way for something else, either. Even combining with the YSAs for an all-ages singles Home Evening had a record attendance of three people. (Four, if you count the second counselor who dropped in to make a few very unhelpful comments on how poor attendance was.) According to the list, (after copious corrections for dead members and those married to nonmembers) we had 24 SAs; all but six were completely inactive and refused to take calls or come to the door for anyone from the Church. Of those six, one was in a long term relationship with a nonmember already, and one was doing the "I've only been divorced for four years, so I'm not ready for singles stuff yet." (And she's still telling the stake rep the same thing, at nine years now.) Of the remaining four, (including myself) with some luck I could get one other to show up for anything we tried to do locally for the first 3-4 months, then they gave up on that. 3 hours ago, Fether said: 2) big mistake here, you had faith that God would keep you from being caught by the law with your illegal car. When instead you should have had faith that because you couldn’t get a car, you would find a way to the church to fulfill your calling. That's exactly what I did for the first year. Sitting in a room alone isn't really fulfilling anything, and since all the other singles had been to the stake "night out at the nursing home" inactivities, they weren't falling for any attempt to get them up there until we finally got a stake SA rep who was single and under 70, and the average stake activity attendance went from 6-7 people all older than my parents to 12-20 ranging from 34 on up. Even then, the locals only went if I either drove them or paid for their gas to carpool. Even then, it wasn't a particularly meaningful singles group in terms of finding other singles, so the new stake rep got us involved in a series of multi-stake efforts; meaning we were often taking responsibility for some portion of activities up to 220 miles round trip for me, and coordinating to carpool even part of that wasn't always possible due to the geographic layout of the stake and the absolute determination of some people to plan on showing up 1-4 hours late so they can dodge the service parts of the activity. So, in order to do anything at all with the calling other than buy some stuffed animals to have no-tea parties with on Monday nights, I had to travel. For most of that time, the bishop was making sure to remind me of every activity in the stake, then the multi-stake area, and that we needed to have someone there even if it was just me. (And I know he was reminding any other singles who didn't yet have his number blocked, just to make sure I wasn't ignoring them.) Thus, after taxes, I had 25% of any given paycheck going to child support, 10% to tithing, and 15-30% to fuel and maintenance on the car and the cheapest available lodging for multi-day activities. (Or the ever popular "we're separately having a Friday night dance, a Saturday afternoon service project, and a Sunday evening potluck/fireside within a 20 mile radius, 110 miles from you, and we want your ward (meaning me, because nothing guaranteed the others would vanish as quickly as giving them something to do) to help decorate for the dance and then coordinate part of the fireside." Then I get to deal with two nights and all the other downtime in an area where I can't get anyone to offer so much as a couch and shower, so I can hang some cardboard letters Friday, paint a house (Really? Is house paint the only thing anyone besides me ever needs?) Saturday and arrange chairs Sunday.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NightSG Posted January 18, 2018 Report Share Posted January 18, 2018 (edited) 1 hour ago, Traveler said: One time he mentioned that they should lose some weight. He said the responses were turned against him quickly for “body shaming” and not being interested in an otherwise spiritual person. He said he was all but banned from the website. Yeah, if you want to guarantee nobody will ever again ask you what classes a singles conference should include, suggest some weight management, how-to-apply-makeup-without-a-trowel (or for the men, how to bathe in water instead of body spray) and general interpersonal communications (How can a group with so many people in some kind of sales have so few who can have a conversation that isn't flat out creepy?) classes. Instead, they have "cooking efficiently for one," "being a successful single parent" and "dealing with loneliness." Any effort to address the root causes was grounds for shunning. Edited January 18, 2018 by NightSG Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vort Posted January 18, 2018 Report Share Posted January 18, 2018 19 hours ago, zil said: When only numbers are allowed, the only logical format is in decreasing increasing order of specificity: YYYY-MM-DD (separator is optional and can be any of a variety of characters, but be consistent), which has the added bonus of easily sorting in chronological order. E.g. 2018-01-31. Increasing Decreasing order of specificity is a distant second: 31-01-2018. But mixed order is just wrong: 01-31-2018 - ick. FTFY. Otherwise, good post. zil 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vort Posted January 18, 2018 Report Share Posted January 18, 2018 1 hour ago, Traveler said: I met the love of my wife at college (BYU). Did you deck him? Traveler, Jane_Doe and zil 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zil Posted January 18, 2018 Report Share Posted January 18, 2018 14 minutes ago, Vort said: FTFY. Otherwise, good post. I was thinking along the lines of 2013 is very specific all by itself - I know exactly what it means. 31 could be in any number of months, and 01 could be in any number of years. But yes, I see your approach too - the more you add, the more specific you get. Vort 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 18, 2018 Report Share Posted January 18, 2018 15 hours ago, NightSG said: I find it cruel to build false hopes, especially after having to apologize to the casket of a very dear friend for having told her those same lines over and over. "Eventually" is a bit of a problem; I trusted the bishop, and burned through thousands of savings into thousands in debt trying to fulfill the calling I was put into. Ended up spending a few nights in jail because I trusted that paying tithing before fines (because I couldn't afford to keep the car entirely legal, but still had to get to the stake center when nobody else from the ward was going in order to even try to do anything with the calling) would somehow work out for the best. Then lost the job, which pretty well settled that question, since what I make now doesn't even pay the bills, much less the remaining fines or anything toward the other debt. Been there, done that. Can't afford to do it again. Yup, I'm sure that was all God's fault and none of it was yours. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NightSG Posted January 18, 2018 Report Share Posted January 18, 2018 56 minutes ago, Carborendum said: Yup, I'm sure that was all God's fault and none of it was yours. Well, the only thing I can do about it is not do what got me into that situation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnsonJones Posted January 19, 2018 Report Share Posted January 19, 2018 @NightSG How did you get this calling, I was under the impression from various other posts you have made over the past few months that you were protestant, but definitely not LDS. In your instance, I would have probably cut back on what I was doing. You could tell the leadership that you would be happy to help, you would never turn down a calling, but these are the challenges you are facing. I cannot relate to your situation you have described, but I can talk about something similar that I have experienced in my short life in regards to stake and regional travel. When you are a high counselor, you have a ward which you are assigned to in many stakes. In this, at times, if you are in many areas of the world, can be rather far away. There are two different occasions which I can speak about in this. In one occasion, the ward was around 2 hours away, so roughly a 240 mile round trip. With the ward you were assigned, it was hoped that you would be there at least two to three weeks out of the month. I can understand gas being expensive and needing car maintenance. If this was an extraordinary burden, the idea is that they would express this to the Stake President or his counselors. This is the important part of any calling, that if one has something that is being an overly excessive burden, they need to tell someone to see if there is a solution. Sometimes that solution is to be released. I can understand how it can cost gas and create wear and tear on a vehicle, but one needs to express these things to someone rather than just taking it up the nose. In this same light you also have Regional/Area presidencies and those who are part of that group. They also are expected to travel great distances, in some instances with destinations being 6 to 10 hours away. Whether they utilize flights, or drive vehicles, this costs money as well. If one is not able to afford this in time or expense, it is expected that they will express this to their leaders. This should not be a burden that they cannot deal with or manage. If it is, then they need to express this concern and the Leadership can either find solutions to help negate these difficulties, or release them from the calling. That said, it sounds as if you have been made bitter in regards to the Single Adult experiences. I am sorry that you have had such terrible experiences. I am lucky to never have had to go through such things myself, but I can imagine that it could be a terrible thing to go through. When one has no money, and is trying to deal with things like you did, it can be incredibly hard to see the benefits or good in a given situation. Perhaps in that situation it would have been better to worry about one's personal needs first, and then put forth about what they could in their calling. We see this in the church many times. The church actually puts family first. I recognize that when someone has family needs that these needs can take away their time from the calling. That should be respected. Many times people feel they are so important in their position, or that their calling is so important that they put that calling first, and their family second. Invariably the family might suffer for this. This is not how I understand the church. One should put their family first, as well as their own personal sanity. That does not mean that one suddenly stops all scout activities if they are the scout master so they can play with their kids on Wednesday night, but it may mean that if they ONLY have Wednesday night off to spend time with their family, perhaps they should be released so they actually have time to spend with their family (much less have a family home evening). It does not mean that one who is a Bishop should suddenly supersede any duties in lieu of family time, but it does mean that if their daughter is in a championship soccer match, or their son's football team has gone to state and it's the same night as the youth temple trip, then the Bishop can spend that time with their family (and trust their counselors and youth leaders can handle whatever comes up...I have some interesting stories in that regards though...where actually somehow the youth didn't bring all their recommends somehow on that same time the Bishop was involved with the family and only the youth leaders went on the temple trip...but that's for another time). In that same light, tackle the things you need individually first, and if it interferes with your calling, tell your church leaders before having such a terrible experience as it seems you had. It sounds as if others in your Single Adults had similar difficulties in this avenue, and as such, it could be a symptom of the area you were in and the difficulties represented in the unit. In this, I would probably guess, you were not alone. You had things that you could probably relate to those few (5 or 6) Single Adults that were in your area and associated with. I am sorry that you had such a terrible experience in the past dealing with Single Adults. I cannot change the past, nor your experiences with it. I can however say, the LDS church is about people and families. It is also about forgiveness because leaders are NOT PERFECT. They are also not mind readers. In such, I would hope that you would study the scriptures and focus on the main points of the gospel of the Lord and the atonement, and then once you have a good foundation there, start to stretch out...you could have a better experience with the LDS church. It may not be that you are able to do the Single Adults in the stake, in which case it sounds like people in this thread have provided ample other arenas which you can explore in regards to dating or finding a spouse if you so desire. However, it is always important to make oneself secure financially and temporally before trying to stretch out in other avenues...even if one feels a church calling requires it. No church calling is ever important enough to sabotage your well being, and no one should ever expect you to do so. I am lucky to be in a good marriage. I cannot relate to what many Single Adults go through today. I can say that if I were single, I probably would look first for someone with a strong testimony and faith in the LDS church. Second, I would look to find someone who was already happy with their life and themselves. I would look to see one who was secure in their own ability. If that meant that they never went to Stake functions because they didn't have the money...but were secure in their own life otherwise...that would be a bonus over someone being arrested for having a car that didn't meet state qualifications but was driving it nonetheless to stake activities. On the otherhand, at my age, I might just decide I'm done with the entire marriage thing and enjoy the family I have (until they got sick of me and shuffled me off to a nursing home or something like that). However, if I were younger, I think the important thing is to be happy where one is at, and to not go beyond one's means, whether it is in the church, or otherwise. Once again, I am sorry for your experiences in Single Adults. I would hope that this is not a sticking point you hold against the LDS church itself, but rather something that you can recognize perhaps mistakes were made from your leaders (and all leaders make mistakes, none are perfect) either from lack of information or other reasons on their part. I hope you can forgive those you hold responsible for the difficulties imposed and find peace in the future. Finally I hope that you would read the Book of Mormon and see that times where many of those in the Book of Mormon also suffered, sometimes apparently due to the choices of their leaders, but found the faith to endure in the Lord. Sunday21 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mike Posted January 19, 2018 Report Share Posted January 19, 2018 (edited) On 1/17/2018 at 2:18 PM, walkwithgrace said: ... How did you all meet your spouses? I am a convert and converted two years ago. I've joined some singles Facebook group, but really they don't seem to be going anywhere. Should I talk to my bishop? Me being single is really making me feel out of place and uncomfortable. I desperately want to be married and have children in this life. How do I go about meeting other single people? What should I do? Can anyone give me some advice? My wife and I met when we were both missionaries. To me this was an example of how people often meet simply doing the things they want to devote a given amount of time and energy to doing. Moreover, it illustrates how meeting a person often happens unintentionally. The point is similar passions, interests, devotions, etc. Edited January 19, 2018 by Mike Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 21, 2018 Report Share Posted January 21, 2018 On 1/18/2018 at 12:56 PM, NightSG said: What calling doesn't require you to provide your own transportation? When the only way to do anything more with the calling than sit alone in a room talking to myself is to travel 120 miles round trip to the stake center, often 180 miles round trip to the next stake over, and do that 2-4 times a month, walking isn't an option, and gas isn't free. ... Thus, after taxes, I had 25% of any given paycheck going to child support, 10% to tithing, and 15-30% to fuel and maintenance on the car and the cheapest available lodging for multi-day activities. (Or the ever popular "we're separately having a Friday night dance, a Saturday afternoon service project, and a Sunday evening potluck/fireside within a 20 mile radius, 110 miles from you, and we want your ward ... I remember a Stake President who spoke about balance and priorities. He told the story of a particular bishop he had called once. When the bishop was called, he told the Stake President,"I want you to know that I'm going to make this calling my main priority." Considering this to be a simple statement of commitment rather than a literal statement, the SP smiled and thanked him. Then they went their ways that evening. After some time the bishop found that he'd taken so much time to perform that calling that he was about to lose his job and his wife was thinking about divorcing him. He had neglected both his family and his job. The SP finally heard about this and told him. "Your first priority is to be the father and husband in your home. You need to give them your time. You need to support them financially. These are always supposed to be higher priorities than your calling. But you have to strike a balance. If your job and your family require so much of your time that you cannot faithfully execute your calling, you need to either turn it down to begin with or you need to ask to be released as you discover that you cannot meet the time constraints." If we extrapolate this to your situation, you did something along the same vein as this bishop. Did you understand your priorities properly? I'm not trying to lay all the blame on you. But the fact is that you can't lay all the blame on the bishop or the Lord either. You had some responsibility in this situation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest MormonGator Posted January 22, 2018 Report Share Posted January 22, 2018 (edited) 10 hours ago, Carborendum said: I remember a Stake President who spoke about balance and priorities. He told the story of a particular bishop he had called once. When the bishop was called, he told the Stake President,"I want you to know that I'm going to make this calling my main priority." Considering this to be a simple statement of commitment rather than a literal statement, the SP smiled and thanked him. Then they went their ways that evening. After some time the bishop found that he'd taken so much time to perform that calling that he was about to lose his job and his wife was thinking about divorcing him. He had neglected both his family and his job. The SP finally heard about this and told him. "Your first priority is to be the father and husband in your home. You need to give them your time. You need to support them financially. These are always supposed to be higher priorities than your calling. But you have to strike a balance. If your job and your family require so much of your time that you cannot faithfully execute your calling, you need to either turn it down to begin with or you need to ask to be released as you discover that you cannot meet the time constraints." If we extrapolate this to your situation, you did something along the same vein as this bishop. Did you understand your priorities properly? I'm not trying to lay all the blame on you. But the fact is that you can't lay all the blame on the bishop or the Lord either. You had some responsibility in this situation. I'm not one to talk (I don't even know what calling I have), but you have to walk the line between "I'm going to ignore my family for the church" and "Eh, I don't want to show up today." And I agree with you @Carborendum. The blame is rarely on the church/it's leadership 100% and/or the member 100%. It's usually a breakdown of communication on both sides. Both sides have some blame. That said, @NightSG has a point too. His story is very tragic. My heart goes out to him. Edited January 22, 2018 by MormonGator Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
priesthoodpower Posted January 22, 2018 Report Share Posted January 22, 2018 On 1/18/2018 at 8:56 AM, NightSG said: Thus, after taxes, I had 25% of any given paycheck going to child support... Respects bro, I didnt know you are a father, let alone paying child support. If you follow some of my posts in other threads you would know that my relationship is rocky with many recent ups and downs. She submitted for divorce 5 months ago which we are still waiting for the final court date, we have since reconciled and I assume she will dismiss it. It has been a humbling experience for me filled with so many life lessons. In theory I really want my relationship to last but Im not sure I can keep up with her change in lifestyle, if somehow I end up being single soon I have often thought that I will NEVER marry again! lol, so in some regards I admire you single people. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NightSG Posted January 22, 2018 Report Share Posted January 22, 2018 5 minutes ago, priesthoodpower said: She submitted for divorce 5 months ago which we are still waiting for the final court date, we have since reconciled and I assume she will dismiss it. Don't assume; bring it up and try to get her to dismiss it. If she changes her mind, one thing you're not going to want is for her to be able to rush the process by having the biggest part of the waiting period already run out. Not sure where you are, but in TX, that situation could quickly turn into "you have a final decree hearing in 7 days" out of the blue rather than the full 60 day waiting period. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
anatess2 Posted January 22, 2018 Report Share Posted January 22, 2018 (edited) On 1/17/2018 at 4:18 PM, walkwithgrace said: How did you all meet your spouses? Whoa, how did I miss this one! Can't pass up that fun question! I met my husband at a club. Yep! A club where there's a bar, a dance floor, dim lights with those black lights that make your teeth and the whites of your eyeballs pop out like dracula. I was dancing with a group of friends when this 6'2" super blonde guy walked in with his 6'2" black-haired friend. They were like Jedi and Sith walking into the club and the black lights caused the blonde's hair to look like it's a halo around his head. I told my friend - I just saw the guy I'm going to marry. Well, the dark-haired guy came up to me on the dance floor wanting to get me a drink and I told him I'm not interested in him I'm interested in his friend. The blonde was drinking beer out there on the corner not paying us any attention. So we left and they chased me down the freeway wanting my number. That blonde dude was waiting for me to go to him! Hah. I don't go to guys who don't man up. LOL. Anyway... we ended up being friends, found out he was inactive LDS and was only 19 years old and was a runway model so he spends most of his time out of town chasing after gigs. When he's in town he helps me with my work with the Bosnian refugees or hangs out with our mutual friends. 2 years later he took me to his church (I was Catholic) and then asked me to marry him out of the blue. That was his first time back to Church after he went inactive when he was 17. And 2 weeks after that day, we were married in city hall. So yeah, we didn't really have a "dating period". That was 20-some years ago. So yeah, there's not much of an example you can pick from my story. So the only thing really that you can take out of this is that it's possible to meet your eternal spouse in the strangest of places. The thing that makes my story a good story is that both my husband and I, regardless of our vast differences, have one important thing in common - our mutual love of God and our mutual desire to honestly and diligently seek the path to Him. And of course, we both believe divorce is not an option so we give each other the freedom to fail spectacularly and still be loved completely. Edited January 22, 2018 by anatess2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zil Posted January 22, 2018 Report Share Posted January 22, 2018 On 1/17/2018 at 2:18 PM, walkwithgrace said: How did you all meet your spouses? Not to be confused with the slightly more disturbing, "How did you meet all your spouses?" anatess2 and seashmore 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
anatess2 Posted January 22, 2018 Report Share Posted January 22, 2018 2 minutes ago, zil said: Not to be confused with the slightly more disturbing, "How did you meet all your spouses?" Well, you did express your desire for boy toys... zil 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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