Wife left the Church wants to take kids with her.

[Matthias7]

Hi and thank you in advance for your advice. I'll try to keep this short. 

My wife and I have been married for 8 years. For most of our marriage, my wife has been a member with one foot out the door. She finally officially left the Church 3 weeks ago.  I was expecting this for some time but it has been about 1000 times harder than I thought it would be. Mainly because of our kids. We have 4, the two older ones are my step kids. When she left, we agreed to alternate  each Sunday taking the kids to our respective churches. We also agreed to be respectful and not bad-mouth the others' beliefs with the kids, but to focus on the things we have in common. I should mention that she is now evangelical and is VERY fundamental in her view of the Bible. 

Our marriage has been full of struggle other than our religious differences. She had a very traumatic past, and this has had an impact on our marriage. I won't go into the details, but in addition to all the other issues, I now see her trying to lead our children away from the Church.  Our oldest expressed an interest in getting his Patriarchal blessing and twice mentioned he thought the LDS Church was true just in the last few weeks.  He has now completely changed his tune and even got baptized in my wife's church (he is 18 btw).  I didn't meet him until he was 10, and him being my step-son he tends to lean more toward his mom with personal issues.  We agreed not to try to bad mouth the others' beliefs but she has not held up to her end of the bargain. She has come behind me, contradicting what I try and teach him about the LDS Church. I am starting to seriously consider divorce. We already had a separation for about 6 months a year ago but decided to try again. We were sealed 4 years ago, although she has never worn her garments since and I don't believe she takes that covenant seriously. 

Her leading our kids away was the final straw. I'm so confused as to my next move. Please offer any thoughts. 

For what it's worth my testimony is rock-solid and trying to help my wife find answers to all her many questions over the years has only helped strengthen it. It makes it that much harder to see my kids being slowly turned away. I do my best to help their testimonies but I don't want to get in a tug-of-war situation with them. I feel helpless. I can offer more details if necessary, but like I said I'm trying to keep this short. 

[JohnsonJones]

This is a tough situation.  I am not a marriage counselor and my thoughts on this should not be taken in anything like that. 

My first thought is if she is evangelical, then you should talk to her and establish the evangelical line of thought.  First...recognize that both of you still believe in the Lord and the Bible.  Second, In that, recognize that divorce is NOT an option unless adultery or abuse is actually involved.

IF YOUR WIFE IS TRULY evangelical (and you can show her this) then your support in her beliefs is important.  If you are supportive of her beliefs, as per the Bible, evangelicals are STRONGLY against divorce.  Yes, it still happens, and yes, it occurs, but the strong evangelicals are probably far more against divorce than Mormons (believe it or not).  If she is looking at a divorce while you support her religious desires and church, I may question whether she is actually an evangelical, or if she is instead a mainstream or moderate.  Evangelicals are typically VERY strongly based upon the Bible and taking it as the authority of the Lord (as opposed to the LDS church which takes it that the authority must be granted by someone with the priesthood authority and keys). 

Once you establish that, talk about how you can each support each other in your respective opinions and thoughts.  It sounds like you have already done this, but it sounds as if both of you need to consider this again.

Show unconditional love for her.  She may not be able to show unconditional love to you at this time, or respect your religion.  She has had something that transformed her thoughts and in doing so has started going to another church.  This is hard, both for you and for her.  In this, show unconditional love for her and for the children.  She may try to change the children to her beliefs...and that is her right.  However, in the end, it is unconditional love that truly matters in this.  If she knows that you love her, and your children know you love them...that is important.  It may not change their opinion or their beliefs, but it may make an impact.  It MIGHT change them...over time. What is important though, is that you uphold your marriage and continue to love your wife and children.

At this point, whether you stay married or not, your children are going to be in a tug-of-war situation.  If you love your wife, then don't make it over more than just a choice of religious belief.  They need both a loving mother and father, and to see that each loves the other is also important. 

On one end this may mean that they will end up going with their Mother's beliefs and religion.  On the otherhand, if they decide to stay in the LDS church, they may have a much stronger testimony, having it tested far earlier and in other ways, than most other individuals of their age.  They will have had to actually make a choice in regards to belief.

We know that we all have our free agency in this life, to choose one way or the other.  Whether it is when they are younger or when they are older, this choice will eventually come about.  If you show unconditional love, and are always present as a father who loves his wife, this will help with this choice.

Marriage can be difficult, especially when someone changes over time into something that you did not anticipate.  However, when we marry, we do not marry simply for what they are the instant we marry them...but for all of this life, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health and all that other jazz.  People say it at times with vows in some religions, and even if many Mormons do not, that same idea still applies to our marriages...and perhaps even moreso.  One's ideas and thoughts may change in this life, but even those just married for time are still making that vow to stick with their spouse in these changes.  Those who make this vow for eternity have a much weightier obligation.

I won't hold back on this, I will admit, this can be a very difficult situation.  As per your agreement with your spouse, continue to teach your children your beliefs, and take them on your weeks to church.  Let them go with her to her church.  As a mother, it is very likely she wants to take them EVERY week with her.  It is a motherly instinct.  She wants to teach her kids as she thinks best.  Be grateful that she still has the agreement to let you take them to LDS services. 

In the end, know that Paul had advice for the Saints, even in his day, regarding marriages where you had believers and unbelievers in Corinthians 7.

Quote

But to the rest speak I, not the Lord: If any brother hath a wife that believeth not, and she be pleased to dwell with him, let him not put her away.

¹³ And the woman which hath an husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him.

¹⁴ For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy.

¹⁵ But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases: but God hath called us to peace.

¹⁶ For what knowest thou, O wife, whether thou shalt save thy husband? or how knowest thou, O man, whether thou shalt save thy wife?

¹⁷ But as God hath distributed to every man, as the Lord hath called every one, so let him walk. And so ordain I in all churches.

However, if you are both believers, that is, both believe in the Lord and his teachings in the Bible, you have an extraordinary amount of things in common on which to build your marriage upon.  Rather than fight about what you do not have in common, build upon these common building blocks.  Ask your wife if you can have family home evenings.  You may have them just to have fun and games, but if you do incorporate religion, talk it over with your wife over the common elements that you both have.  Some Evangelicals do not want to believe that there is a LOT in common between their beliefs and the LDS beliefs, but in truth, there is a LOT more in common then differences when compared to many other religions, including some of the more liberal Christian religions.  Use this to build the basic foundations of a belief in the Lord in your home. 

Evangelicals have a STRONG belief in the Bible.  They truly LOVE the New Testament.  Many even take to heart the instructions to teach their children in their homes about the Teachings in the New Testament and the Lord's sacrifice on the cross.  This is what you should probably focus on if you do incorporate this into your family home evening.  The Lord holds a very special place, in those who are evangelicals, hearts.  Whether they are Mormon teachings or that of an evangelical Christian, your children at least should have the fundamental building blocks to love the lord and his teachings found in the New Testament.  An evening each week to build this as agreed upon by you and your wife...is a great opportunity.  Don't ARGUE with her over the specifics, but rather agree quickly with her and then focus on the general principles we ALL believe in that are found in the New Testament.  Support your wife.

Once again, I would strongly say to LOVE your wife.  I know that you already probably love her, but do all you can to love her even more in this time of struggle.  Put her first in your thoughts and endeavors, and let her see this.  It may end with divorce depending on her, but I think that from what you expressed, that your marriage is worth trying to make stronger and the bonds between you better.  This will help you to understand and support her more.  Your children will already have to make choices in regards to religion no matter what you do at this point, short of your wife doing an about face.  Overall, the best course of action, as far as I can see it, is to avoid divorce, and to show unconditional love to them and your wife. 

Support her righteously, and respect that she is a mother that loves her children.  If she is teaching them her beliefs, it is probably not to antagonize you, but because she loves them and wants to teach them the same things she believes.  She does this because she feels this is the best way for her and for them.  It can be hard, but if you are not there showing your love for her and for them, I think it will be an even further handicap to you, your children, and your family. 

Hence, I've said it probably to the point you are sick of hearing it.  Love and support your wife.  As I said, once again show unconditional love for her and for your children. 

Edited January 23, 2018 by JohnsonJones

[Blossom76]

I'm so sorry this is happening to your family.  It can work though, I'm living proof!

My husband and I were both raised catholic and agreed to raise a catholic family.  Then I started investigating the LDS church and now I have a strong belief in the Book Of Mormon.  

Hubby, while he doesn't like it, has agreed that for the next 18 months BOTH of us study BOTH faiths in detail and with an open mind and heart.  Its been really good so far, and at the end of the 18 months we will both be able to make an educated informed choice as to what faith we want to belong to and why.

Maybe you could come to the same sort of agreement with your wife? 

 

[person0]

8 hours ago, Matthias7 said:

she is now evangelical and is VERY fundamental in her view of the Bible.

3 hours ago, Blossom76 said:

Maybe you could come to the same sort of agreement with your wife? 

I have never really understood how someone could go from the LDS faith to another faith, unless they never actually believed in the LDS faith to begin with.  Even if I became convinced that the LDS Church is not true, at best I would just quit going to any church all together.  The logic of your wife's actions just does not compute for me, so I assume something far beyond the bounds of logic and reason are at play, which is often the case with these things.  Emotional decisions are the worst and most foolish.  That is why many people who leave the Church become anti, rather than just leaving, because it is based on emotion and not logic, nor the spirit.  Based on your wife's actions, there seems to be some emotion going on there, probably some resentment and lashing out.  Perhaps marriage counseling could help, or at least real discussions trying to get to the bottom of her decision for leaving.  Does she really thing she found the bombshell evidence that magically proves its all a lie?  Possible, but doubtful.

I am sorry for what you are going through, but the best advice I have is to simply be the best example of a real man that you can be for your children.  By being the best possible husband and father, you will create someone they can trust.  By remaining firm in your faith, regardless of your wife's decision, they will come to see that you are legit and what you believe could quite possibly be legit as well.  Be the bigger person.  Ultimately, if your wife is poisoning your children's minds by intentionally disregarding your agreement, it will be answered upon her head.

From a logistical standpoint, your wife should be excommunicated for apostasy.  Obviously, she won't care if she doesn't believe it anymore, but it will be better for her, unless she already requested to have her name removed, she could go that route too.  I don't think I could do what you are attempting.  If my wife left the Church I can't imagine us staying together for long.  Like Blossom's husband, I would make her prove it to me, which ultimately she would be unsuccessful at, because no other faith even makes the claim that the Spirit will testify that their specific religion/doctrine is true over all others.

I don't know your children.  However, while they may not serve missions, etc, If you and your wife make it work, I can imagine many of the children gradually finding their way back so long as you remain faithful and set a good example.

[Guest MormonGator]

9 hours ago, Matthias7 said:

Hi and thank you in advance for your advice. I'll try to keep this short. 

My wife and I have been married for 8 years. For most of our marriage, my wife has been a member with one foot out the door. She finally officially left the Church 3 weeks ago.  I was expecting this for some time but it has been about 1000 times harder than I thought it would be. Mainly because of our kids. We have 4, the two older ones are my step kids. When she left, we agreed to alternate  each Sunday taking the kids to our respective churches. We also agreed to be respectful and not bad-mouth the others' beliefs with the kids, but to focus on the things we have in common. I should mention that she is now evangelical and is VERY fundamental in her view of the Bible. 

Our marriage has been full of struggle other than our religious differences. She had a very traumatic past, and this has had an impact on our marriage. I won't go into the details, but in addition to all the other issues, I now see her trying to lead our children away from the Church.  Our oldest expressed an interest in getting his Patriarchal blessing and twice mentioned he thought the LDS Church was true just in the last few weeks.  He has now completely changed his tune and even got baptized in my wife's church (he is 18 btw).  I didn't meet him until he was 10, and him being my step-son he tends to lean more toward his mom with personal issues.  We agreed not to try to bad mouth the others' beliefs but she has not held up to her end of the bargain. She has come behind me, contradicting what I try and teach him about the LDS Church. I am starting to seriously consider divorce. We already had a separation for about 6 months a year ago but decided to try again. We were sealed 4 years ago, although she has never worn her garments since and I don't believe she takes that covenant seriously. 

Her leading our kids away was the final straw. I'm so confused as to my next move. Please offer any thoughts. 

For what it's worth my testimony is rock-solid and trying to help my wife find answers to all her many questions over the years has only helped strengthen it. It makes it that much harder to see my kids being slowly turned away. I do my best to help their testimonies but I don't want to get in a tug-of-war situation with them. I feel helpless. I can offer more details if necessary, but like I said I'm trying to keep this short. 

First off, I'm praying for you my brother. Understand that. 

Second, I'm not a parent so take this with a huge grain of salt. Divorce takes a bad situation and makes it 10,000 times worse. What will it help? What if you wife comes back to the church? What if your kids hate you for it for years? One of my closest friends is 33, and his parents divorce 20 years ago still bothers him and affects his relationship with both parents. Is it worth it? 

 If a spouse leaves a faith, you should do everything possible to make the marriage work. Everything. Kids need stability, and life isn't linear from point a-b. Men and women do struggle with faith. We leave churches, we come back, we are agnostic. I can easily understand what your wife is going though. There are marriages that survive the ultimate betrayal-infidelity. A marriage can survive a faith crisis. 

 

Edited January 23, 2018 by MormonGator

[Matthias7]

Thank you all who offered their insights. It means so much to me to have this community of like-minded brothers and sisters to lean on. I especially appreciate scriptural reference from JohnsonJones.   There were many other thoughts from everyone ( too many to mention ) that are all making a difference.  

I should note that had we had a good or even "normal" marriage up to this point her leaving would be much more easy to deal with. The fact is, she has been diagnosed with PTSD and Bordeline Personality Disorder due to her traumatic childhood and first marriage. We have been to several marriage counselors, with little progress. She refuses to seek treatment for it. Rationality and common sense are not really present when it comes to major issues.   Without getting into details, I've been on the cusp of filing for divorce even before she officially left the Church. If it does happen, her leaving the church situation will only be a final straw, not the main reason. 

I will talk with her again about our boundaries with regards to sharing our beliefs. She never truly agreed to not bad-mouth the LDS Church. Her response when I asked about it was " I'll respect your beliefs, but I won't hold back anything new I learn" in other words, I see that as meaning " no guarantees". 

I guees I’m just wondering, given how difficult our marriage has been to this point, am I over-reacting?  When is divorce justified?  I know for adultery, but what about abuse?  Physical abuse? Emotional?  If yes, is there a scriptural or Church reference you know about? 

 

I will I'll hold off on divorce and continue to pray and seek guidance   Thank you again for your thoughts. 

Edited January 23, 2018 by Matthias7

[Jane_Doe]

Speaking at a person whose been through PTSD / BPD from childhood trauma, I can get the appeal of a hard-core fundamentalist once-saved-always-saved mentality.  It has the illusion of being a blanket of guaranteed safety with no strings attached.  Unfortunately, it is an illusion and that pain a PTSD person feels isn't going to go away without major treatment- treatment which is absolutely terrifying because it involves the only "you" you've ever known dying--- to be remade/reborn whole, of course, but still... dying is scary.  

Being married to such a person who refuses to seek/follow through with treatment... that's a HARD boat.  I'm sorry.  I cannot give advice in this regard- that's something with more training / knowledge of the situation should do.  The Lord is not ok with a spouse abusing the other.  

As to the church issue " I'll respect your beliefs, but I won't hold back anything new I learn" sounds to me like "it's fine for me to dig up anti stuff and through it in the kids faces because that's 'truth' ".  (Granted, I could be totally off in that impression).   For this I do have advice: rather than trying to silence her, fortify your kids' faith.  Teach them Truth, focusing on the big points, and not hiding from 'ugly' things.   Read the scriptures together, ponder, and read the Gospel Topics essays.  Let them know your door is open to talk about things.  That way, *when* the adversary's fiery darts come, they have that sure foundation and are not moved.  (Note: I'm NOT saying that the the adversary's fiery are going to come from your wife.   But they will eventually come from somewhere).  

[person0]

40 minutes ago, Matthias7 said:

I know for adultery, but what about abuse?

I would argue that abuse is adultery of a non-sexual form.  It is committing 'adultery' with her pride and desire for power and other things.  It is placing those things above your spouse, when only God should be placed above your spouse.  I see no issue in divorce resulting from abuse.

13 minutes ago, Jane_Doe said:

As to the church issue " I'll respect your beliefs, but I won't hold back anything new I learn" sounds to me like "it's fine for me to dig up anti stuff and through it in the kids faces because that's 'truth' ".

This is the same impression I get as well.

[Sunday21]

Dear @Matthias7, I am really sorry about what you are going through. I worry about your wife being alone with the kids given her mental stability issues. If you remain married, you can act as a shield. Praying for you!

Edited January 23, 2018 by Sunday21

[Latter-Day Marriage]

If you aren't already talking with your Bishop about  this you certainly need to start that.  The only advice I can give is think of what is best for the kids, both for now and for long term, and take your plans to the Lord for confirmation before acting on them.  I've had kids go off the path,  don't make it a point of contention in your relationship and love them even when you disagree with their choices.  Don't create obstacles of pride or hurt feelings that would block them from coming back later on.  In a lot of ways this is a gospel of relationships, our relationship with God and with family.  Your relationship with your kids will be what later on will help restore their relationship with God.

[Matthias7]

Yeah, I worry about her mental stability if we get divorced.  I will definitely take this into consideration with a lawyer if need be. 

As to her statement about no holding back things she's learned.  It's safe to assume anti-mormon info will be forthcoming to my kids.  She already has a whole drawer full of anti-mormon DVDs and book in our bedroom. 

Thank you Jane_Doe for your unique insight.  You hit the nail on the head.  

Thanks again to everyone for all their prayers and thoughts.  Your comments and feedback have helped me more than you realize.  

 

[omegaseamaster75]

See an attorney, 

I go by the three A's as being acceptable for divorce. While not all inclusive and not absolutes they can be followed in a general sense.

Abuse

Adultry

Addiction

You don't need a scriptural reference to make you feel good about getting out of a bad situation. If it is that toxic deal with it.

Edited January 23, 2018 by omegaseamaster75

[NightSG]

2 hours ago, Latter-Day Marriage said:

If you aren't already talking with your Bishop about  this you certainly need to start that.

And for that matter, talk with her new pastor; at least to find out where they stand on breaking up a family over religious differences.  It could go either way, but at the very least you'll know the battlefield a bit better.

[Matthias7]

NightSG,

I didn't think of that. I'm going to her church this Sunday because I think it would be good to see where my kids are going when they're not with me.  Plus I'm hoping it will help ease some of my anxiety  

I want to reiterate that I would never divorce someone over religious differences. It's our past (she has a history of being abusive) together adding up combined with her disrespectful approach with our kids regarding my beliefs that is pushing me to consider ending it. 

[Latter-Day Marriage]

9 hours ago, Matthias7 said:

It's safe to assume anti-mormon info will be forthcoming to my kids.  She already has a whole drawer full of anti-mormon DVDs and book in our bedroom.

I've crossed verbal swords many times with anti-mormons, online and in person.  The lies they have bought into are very artfully crafted but I can tell you from experience that there is no smoking gun and we have nothing to fear being asked or exposed.  In most cases the information presented is outright false, misleadingly incomplete or twisted.  In a few cases there are things that can be interpreted one way or the other, but that's about it. 

It would not do well to get into a 'bible bash' over anything, but information is helpful to get people to realize that perhaps the sources they are trusting are not so trustworthy, or at least to show that we have an answer whether they accept it or not.  A very good site for information refuting pretty much all anti-mormon accusations is:
https://www.fairmormon.org/answers/Topical_Guide

If your kids bring up something anti-mormon, perhaps invite them to go online with you there and look up what it says, and point out that what they were told was inaccurate/incomplete so perhaps that isn't a good source to listen to.

[NightSG]

8 hours ago, Matthias7 said:

I didn't think of that. I'm going to her church this Sunday because I think it would be good to see where my kids are going when they're not with me.  Plus I'm hoping it will help ease some of my anxiety  

Just don't be surprised if your ward insists on decontaminating you with a firehose before letting you back in the building after having a chat with not just an infidel, but one of their leaders.

[BeccaKirstyn]

BPD is a very tricky thing to deal with, especially in a relationship. If her emotional instability is turning into emotional/physical/sexual abuse, I would highly consider your own safety and the safety of your children when weighing the issue of divorce. How did she react/respond to the 6 month period you two were separated? 

[Bad Karma]

On 1/22/2018 at 10:04 PM, Matthias7 said:

Hi and thank you in advance for your advice. I'll try to keep this short. 

My wife and I have been married for 8 years. For most of our marriage, my wife has been a member with one foot out the door. She finally officially left the Church 3 weeks ago.  I was expecting this for some time but it has been about 1000 times harder than I thought it would be. Mainly because of our kids. We have 4, the two older ones are my step kids. When she left, we agreed to alternate  each Sunday taking the kids to our respective churches. We also agreed to be respectful and not bad-mouth the others' beliefs with the kids, but to focus on the things we have in common. I should mention that she is now evangelical and is VERY fundamental in her view of the Bible. 

Our marriage has been full of struggle other than our religious differences. She had a very traumatic past, and this has had an impact on our marriage. I won't go into the details, but in addition to all the other issues, I now see her trying to lead our children away from the Church.  Our oldest expressed an interest in getting his Patriarchal blessing and twice mentioned he thought the LDS Church was true just in the last few weeks.  He has now completely changed his tune and even got baptized in my wife's church (he is 18 btw).  I didn't meet him until he was 10, and him being my step-son he tends to lean more toward his mom with personal issues.  We agreed not to try to bad mouth the others' beliefs but she has not held up to her end of the bargain. She has come behind me, contradicting what I try and teach him about the LDS Church. I am starting to seriously consider divorce. We already had a separation for about 6 months a year ago but decided to try again. We were sealed 4 years ago, although she has never worn her garments since and I don't believe she takes that covenant seriously. 

Her leading our kids away was the final straw. I'm so confused as to my next move. Please offer any thoughts. 

For what it's worth my testimony is rock-solid and trying to help my wife find answers to all her many questions over the years has only helped strengthen it. It makes it that much harder to see my kids being slowly turned away. I do my best to help their testimonies but I don't want to get in a tug-of-war situation with them. I feel helpless. I can offer more details if necessary, but like I said I'm trying to keep this short. 

Brother,

I'm sorry you are having to go through this. 

I offer you these thoughts and suggestions.

1. Keep the faith, when in church, also take the sacrament on her behalf. 

2. Pray for your wife, always. You are her husband, you have every bit of authority to pray for her and to ask Heavenly Father to intercede, under the proviso her free agency is intact. That does not mean Heavenly Father doesn't bring to mind thoughts and memories to show a wayward spouse the gravity of what is happening, ultimately, it is up to her.

3. Avoid a "last straw" or any ultimatums. If YOU quit, then you both have quit, then hope is truly lost.

4. Be patient, be kind, as husbands, we have only righteous dominion over our wives and children. Righteous requires the difficult, and that is to not engage when met with conflict from her, never react, only respond. Respond with love, patience and kindness, even though it hurts like a bullet to the gut. We're men, we are the priesthood holders, the burden is ours to bear. 

5. Endure to the very end, and then endure some more. That's the true nature of love. 

6. Absolutely do not bad mouth her belief, you will be the very best teacher to her by being loving, patient and kind. YOU keep going to church, doing your thing as it were, let her see God's love inside of you. She is a daughter of God, she has eyes, she can see if she wants to.

7. Do not get sucked into a fight, you may want to very much, you might be as mad as a hornet, but talk about your point only, talk, not yell. 

8. It's only too late if you give up. 

Make no mistake here, the war in your marriage is very spiritual, the deceiver is working very hard on destroying your family, once any of you are isolated, the greater the deceiver's chances are of succeeding in taking with him a soul. Not just hers, yours, but your kids, and maybe even further down in generations. Every event has ripples in time. Example, say good morning to someone, the effect travels, but say something hateful to someone, that effect also travels. 

Hang on, hold fast, remember, this is YOUR family, your battle is now in the spiritual realm.

[Matthias7]

BeccaKirtyn,  thanks for you concern. BPD is very difficult and from my experience clear boundaries are crucial. When we had our separation she had a few very emotional nights where she would beg me to come back to the house, then when I did she would change her mind and not want me there.  So there were a few strange things.  Otherwise things seemed like you’d expect them to in a separation. A lot of sadness and insecurity   

Bad Karma. Thank you for all your input. I will definitely follow your advice. I needed to come on this forum to get an objective viewpoint and the responses I’ve gotten, along with all the support, have opened my mind up to alternatives I hadn’t considered. I feel much more at peace. Thank you all. It’s made a huge difference. 

[Jane_Doe]

2 hours ago, Matthias7 said:

 BPD is very difficult and from my experience clear boundaries are crucial.

I will 100000000% agree with this, having been through BPD.