Wife working after kids grown?

[NeuroTypical]

So, our homeschooling extravaganza is coming to a close.  Youngest kid heads off to high school this coming school year.

I've floated the notion to my wife that she get a job.  I think it's a good idea that could be a good thing for our situation.

Wife has done some petsitting/grooming/dog training/etc, but hasn't worked for anyone in nigh unto 17 years now.  Anyone been in this situation?  How is it going/how did it turn out?

Edited March 21, 2018 by NeuroTypical

[zil]

3 minutes ago, NeuroTypical said:

17 years now

Well, I've been working for the same someone for over 17 years now and I'm kinda sick of it.  (Does that help?)

[NeuroTypical]

No takers here?  Nobody has been in this situation?

[Fether]

4 minutes ago, NeuroTypical said:

No takers here?  Nobody has been in this situation?

I’ll respond in 25ish years when all my kids are in highschool  

[anatess2]

20 hours ago, NeuroTypical said:

So, our homeschooling extravaganza is coming to a close.  Youngest kid heads off to high school this coming school year.

I've floated the notion to my wife that she get a job.  I think it's a good idea that could be a good thing for our situation.

Wife has done some petsitting/grooming/dog training/etc, but hasn't worked for anyone in nigh unto 17 years now.  Anyone been in this situation?  How is it going/how did it turn out?

I'll tell you a great story from my mother.

So, a bit of background, my mother was a well-established midwife before she met my father.  My father was a fresh Chemical Engineering graduate working as a lowly penniless salesman for Procter and Gamble.  My father told my mother that no wife of his will be "working outside of the home".  He believes it is a personal insult to his manhood and his ability to support the family.  So, they got married and my mother quit her job to live on the substantially smaller paycheck my father took home. 

Fast forward 40 years later and my mother celebrates her 65th birthday.  She invited all of us to her birthday luncheon.  My mom blew out her candles, sliced the cake, donned on a red Kmart apron and walked out of the house for her very first job after getting married - folding clothes at KMart.  My dad was sulking in their room the whole time.  My mother walked to KMart because my dad refused to drive her over.  And she refused to have us drive her over.  They didn't speak to each other for weeks after that.  We would all be at the dinner table and my dad would say, "Anatess2, tell your mother...".  My mother is sitting right next to him!  I asked my mother, what is so attractive about folding clothes at KMart that you would go through weeks of not talking to your husband of 40 years for it?  My mom's reply, "you don't need me anymore, your dad doesn't need me, the people at KMart need me.  Besides, it gives me a reason to put make-up on."  

My mom quit that job after a few months.  She didn't like that they tell her when to work.  She wanted to work when she wants to and not work when she doesn't want to.  For her, her priority hasn't changed - when the family is doing something like a piano recital or the grandkids coming home from school (she prepares snacks and talks about what happened in school), she doesn't want to miss it because KMart tells her to work. 

My friend's mom, after becoming an empty nester, started making jewelry to sell on Etsy.  That would have been better for my mom so she has the flexibility she needed.

In any case... my suggestion is - let your wife handle it and just be supportive of whatever she decides.  Unless of course she decides to turn your house into a full fledged farm with cows and goats and horses and thousands of chickens... I mean, you're gonna end up working on that farm so you better be ready for it.  Hah hah.

 

 

 

Edited March 22, 2018 by anatess2

[classylady]

Since being married (going on 37 years now), I have worked off and on.  I haven’t worked for the past 8 years and I’ve been thinking of getting another job.  But, I’m so used to being able to babysit my grandkids whenever I want, and travel when I want, that I can’t imagine being tied down right now.  I just need to find something where I can set my own hours and it isn’t multi-level marketing.

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

Well, most importantly what does your wife think about it?  

After being a stay at home mom for 13 yrs, I returned to work.  It felt really awkward at first, but I soon got over it.  My concern for the future is similar to what Anatess2 shared about her mom. Will I be able to get time off of work to go visit my children (if they'll have me) when their babies are born?  Will I have time to babysit/spoil the grandkids?   We haven't reached that milestone yet, but it looms....   If you wife has a full-time job, would she be able to get away for things like that?  Things to consider. 

[The Folk Prophet]

I'll share my ultra conservative view, but I expect I'll tick someone off....

First: "off to high school" is not "kids grown".

Second: Stay at home mothering is a matter of faith to me. I don't believe it's exactly the same thing as, say, tithing, for example, but there are similarities. I pay my tithing despite the fact that it would be a good thing for our situation to not pay it ("good thing for our situation" being a relative term depending on perspective -- a principle which applies to stay-at-home mothering as well). It's a matter of faith. As I said, not exactly the same in that tithing is a straight-up commandment and a bigger deal (sort of**), consequence-wise. But the principle of acting on faith is very similar in my mind.

I tend to think of mothers working out of the home as a big no-no for myself. Are there exceptions to the rule? Yes. But the rule is a serious one, and the choice, in my mind, should always strongly favor the rule whenever possible. STRONGLY. If a mother "has to" work then she'd better "have to" work. And I mean literally "has to" - as in "must" or else death, prison, homelessness (literally...not just having to get a smaller place or something), etc.

**The immediate consequence of not paying tithing is plain. Loss of temple-recommend, etc. However, I believe quite strongly that the general trend of mothers leaving the home for employment is one of the key factors in the destruction of morality in our society. It is a BIG deal to me.

Edited March 24, 2018 by The Folk Prophet

[lostinwater]

5 hours ago, LiterateParakeet said:

Well, most importantly what does your wife think about it?  

+1 to this.  

Also, if there is no financial need to do so, volunteering may be an option.  You have much more freedom to write your own ticket in terms of how much responsibility you take on, and the opportunity to make a difference are boundless.

[NeuroTypical]

6 hours ago, LiterateParakeet said:

Well, most importantly what does your wife think about it?  

She did not react positively when I floated the notion.  As we've been discussing it for the last month, one of the things she asked me to do was look for other's examples, hence this thread.

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

I agree with @The Folk Prophet that high school doesn't mean grown.  I remember Pred. Benson talking about how mothers need to  be there at "the crossroads" i.e. when kids are coming and going from school and various activities.  He was talking about teens specifically if I remember right. 

Being a working mom...even of teens....is hard. I would quit and be a stay at home mom in a New York minute, if I could. 

If you have a choice, I vote no. 

Edited March 24, 2018 by LiterateParakeet

[An Investigator]

I work and have young kids, I enjoy it.  My husband is very supportive and helps out with Chores.  I could afford to stay at home but I was miserable and I am a much better mother working.   I am also going back to uni in September to train to be a secondary school teacher, being at home made me quite depressed tbh, but its very common in the UK for women to work so it can be quite lonely being at home.  So I would say, just support your wife in what she wants to do, Job/ Schooling etc

Edited March 24, 2018 by An Investigator

[lostinwater]

29 minutes ago, NeuroTypical said:

As we've been discussing it for the last month, one of the things she asked me to do was look for other's examples, hence this thread.

Ugh - Well, i judged that one wrong.  Sounds like you've been very concerned about her from the beginning - which is no surprise.  Apology needed, and offered.

[Blossom76]

On 23/03/2018 at 1:30 AM, NeuroTypical said:

No takers here?  Nobody has been in this situation?

Me! I am in it right now!  My son just finished high school and started his apprenticeship, I did work a little bit in school hours while he was in primary school but nothing serious and nothing for the past five years (my husband was more worried about high school, making sure I was home and doing volunteer work for my sons school, keeping a close eye on our child) so know how your wife feels - terrified and out of touch with the working world!

We brought a financial business for me to do from home and I'm just starting now, I LOVE IT, the hardest thing is working out the division of labour in the house now (meaning my boys have to actually help me now lol the poor buggers have no idea what they are doing), we are getting there!  I will need my own premises in about 6 months but can start out at home (I will just rent serviced office space, its quite affordable)

I think your wife should go for it.  I liked buying my own business because it took all the possible rejection out of job search, my resume was looking a bit sparse!

Edited March 24, 2018 by Blossom76

[NightSG]

6 hours ago, NeuroTypical said:

one of the things she asked me to do was look for other's examples,

Quit.  Lay around the house, and tell her you found plenty of examples of men who don't work, and do just fine on welfare.

[seashmore]

@NeuroTypical my grandmothers didn't take jobs outside of the home until after their children were graduated.  Even then, I suspect one worked at the dimestore because it offered her a bit of opportunity to spread her social butterfly wings now that she didn't have any more track meets to attend.  The other took jobs as a crossing guard near her home and a playground supervisor at the Catholic school one of my cousins attended (even though I'm pretty sure Grandma was Lutheran if anything). 

I have a mom friend who, when the Hobby Lobby opened here a few years ago, mentioned she considered going to work there part time.  Just something to do during the day since her youngest would be starting full day school in the fall.  She ended up not doing it and staying home.  This allowed her to become a caretaker when one of our families was unexpectedly blessed with an infant.  Both parents need to work full time outside of the home, and it is a rare form of torture trying to find infant daycare.  (I don't know the particular details of their arrangement, but I see it going along with what was mentioned earlier about volunteering.  There may be an elderly person or 80 in your area who needs a bit of companionship or help tidying up or rides to the eye doctor.)

My own mother chose to work outside of the home, which I honestly think would have been okay, but she made her job a priority.  Our family became dependent on her income to pay for things like Girl Scouts, babysitters, and cable.  I honestly and intensely believe her obsession with her job was an underlying factor in my parent's divorce.  Because she managed a fast food restaurant near my high school, my mom would often talk to my locker neighbor before she had spoken to either of her children that day.  I had friends who, because they worked for her, would see her more than I did over the course of a week.  And I lived with her. 
This is probably why, if I were a wife/mother, I would fight tooth and nail to create a supportive and welcoming atmosphere for my husband and children.  Even if it meant giving up the employment I don't hate....most days.

[classylady]

12 hours ago, The Folk Prophet said:

I'll share my ultra conservative view, but I expect I'll tick someone off....

First: "off to high school" is not "kids grown".

Second: Stay at home mothering is a matter of faith to me. I don't believe it's exactly the same thing as, say, tithing, for example, but there are similarities. I pay my tithing despite the fact that it would be a good thing for our situation to not pay it ("good thing for our situation" being a relative term depending on perspective -- a principle which applies to stay-at-home mothering as well). It's a matter of faith. As I said, not exactly the same in that tithing is a straight-up commandment and a bigger deal (sort of**), consequence-wise. But the principle of acting on faith is very similar in my mind.

I tend to think of mothers working out of the home as a big no-no for myself. Are there exceptions to the rule? Yes. But the rule is a serious one, and the choice, in my mind, should always strongly favor the rule whenever possible. STRONGLY. If a mother "has to" work then she'd better "have to" work. And I mean literally "has to" - as in "must" or else death, prison, homelessness (literally...not just having to get a smaller place or something), etc.

**The immediate consequence of not paying tithing is plain. Loss of temple-recommend, etc. However, I believe quite strongly that the general trend of mothers leaving the home for employment is one of the key factors in the destruction of morality in our society. It is a BIG deal to me.

I agree.  There are consequences to every decision we make. I regret the need to work while my children were still in school.  The consequences in my case were not good.  My children suffered from having a mom who was worn out at the end of every day.  They did not get the same attention when I was working such as help with school work, emotional drama with friends, Halloween costumes, volunteering in their classroom, and even spiritual matters.  I think, in our case, anyway, it was a detriment to them.  And, then again, maybe it’s just “mom” guilt.  I tend to take the blame for the failures of my children.

[Backroads]

Um, I just put "not returning" on my school's intention survey without another job lined up for the next year. (I may rant about why in another post). My husband is supportive.

I think there are many benefits to a stay-at-home mom. I think faith, prayer, and good ol' fashioned making do can support this.

I'm also see a working mom as a sensible thing in quite a few situations. I'm actually a little bugged with families who live in the craziest, even most leeching situations, just so mom doesn't work. Not saying they're wrong, just that it personally bugs me (I am probably wrong).

I don't know how dire your financial  situation is.  I will say that one of the benefits of a SAHM is that wildcard where they always could go to work if that's how things need to be. 

That said, if you're surviving and she doesn't want to go to work...

[NeuroTypical]

I appreciate everyone's responses!   I've decided, of course, to go with the one that most reflects what my base natural man already thinks is more important:

"Quit.  Lay around the house, and tell her you found plenty of examples of men who don't work, and do just fine on welfare."

I'll let her know tomorrow after I quit.  I plan on busting through the front door half naked and three sheets to the wind.  I'm sure she'll be impressed.

Been nice knowing you all!

[anatess2]

19 hours ago, NeuroTypical said:

I appreciate everyone's responses!   I've decided, of course, to go with the one that most reflects what my base natural man already thinks is more important:

"Quit.  Lay around the house, and tell her you found plenty of examples of men who don't work, and do just fine on welfare."

I'll let her know tomorrow after I quit.  I plan on busting through the front door half naked and three sheets to the wind.  I'm sure she'll be impressed.

Been nice knowing you all!

True story.  I told my husband before we got married that since I make good money and he's moving into my house that he should quit his job, go to school and do the housework.  He tried it for a couple of months.  I've been asking him to quit his job for the past 20 years.  He just looks at me funny.  I should have married you instead!

[prisonchaplain]

We thought we were so noble, because my wife stayed home until all the kids were in full-day school. Once the youngest hit full-day kindergarten, she did her degree-completion, and became a Special Education teacher. She gains great meaning from her work, and considers it something of a calling. On the other hand, especially at first, she did miss always being there when the kids came home, and some of the freedom she had. Bottom line, though: If it's not of faith, it's sin.

[Fether]

1 hour ago, prisonchaplain said:

If it's not of faith, it's sin.

Translation:

You better be dang sure God wants you to do this... otherwise you will be reaping eternal damnation... sipping the fiery inferno from a straw... drug right to ol’ Hades doorstep and forced to knock, only this time the home owner don’t want to buy no alarm system, think again, no Vivint alarm system will keep this thief in the night out.